Thursday, March 7, 2013



This is literally the first story I have written for 2013, I felt almost hesitant to post because I feel bad about my lack of stories of the past few months. I can’t apologize enough to the people who have enjoyed this blog and still follow it and check back periodically to look for updates; if you are one of those people…you all are awesome! To be completely honest, I was feeling extremely burnt out over this job. I write about Love Lips as if it was my personal store but in reality it’s not actually mine. I’m just a store manager blogging about my awkward and hysterical encounters. At one point, writing about these stories kept this job fun and made me look forward into going in each day. I don’t remember when I stopped posting. I wanna say it was last Fall in 2012 but again, I am sorry for stopping without warning. What happened? Nothing amused me anymore; the people of Dundalk had officially tapped out all the funny I could find in situations, and instead of finding the humor in a situation it just made me blood-boiling angry. What provoked me to write today? A voice, a horse faced woman (worse than Sarah Jessica Parker), and something else I can’t place. I don’t know what about this woman that has sparked another entry but I am personally not complaining and I hope you enjoy this update of my amazingly awkward job at Love Lips, the porn store.

Love Lips had just opened for the day and I had finished my breakfast. I was staring outside at the bright sunny day after what was supposed to have been the worst snow storm since 2009 when I saw a big red SUV drive up. I was taken out of my nonsensical thoughts and focused on the big bug glasses the woman in the car wore. I thought that she was headed to the nail salon because they have customers from 9 am until close and most of them wear those huge bug-looking sunglasses. So I turned back to the inside of my fish bowl and fished out my lap top to start watching a movie. The Love Lips door jingled and I stood up with the computer in my hands. I was in the process of tucking it under the counter as I said, “Hi, let me know if I can help you with anything today”. I barely glanced at her because she was just a typical higher end Dundalk woman, dressed in a pink hoodie and pink sweat pants, bug sun glasses, and bottle blonde. But the words out of her mouth made me literally pause and I’m pretty sure I had a dumbfounded expression when she said, “I’m good, thanks” Simple words, yes? No. Have you ever met someone and the first instinct you have is to ask them if that’s they’re real voice or are they exaggerating a younger tone of voice? I had one of those moments today and it spurred me into writing about it. She had one of those voices that sounded like she was in a porn video where she was pretending to be a 13 year old school girl. To most men this might be sexy; to a woman it was like nails on a chalk board. If by some unfortunate coincidence it was her real voice I think I might have gone bat sh*t insane if I was the one dating her. It was extremely obnoxious! I put my glasses on and took a better look at her. I actually wondered if I had accidently let a minor into my store. Upon further inspection she was in her 20-30’s and as she took her bug sunglasses off I saw she was unfortunately horse-like. All of her facial features were elongated and she had bigger front teeth. I was surprised by her voice and now her face. I fiddled with the calendar and played ‘Let’s look at the important E-mail from the warehouse’ as she browsed. I was trying not to be rude and stare at her and find other odd things wrong with her. She couldn’t help she looked worse than Sarah Jessica Parker (who is pretty btw but her face is very long).

I was looking through old saved E-mails when she came up to the far end of my plexi-glass cage and said in her annoying 13 year old baby voice, “Um…I have a silly question”

I twitched from the words that came out of her mouth but said with a smile, “What kind of question?”

“Do you have porn videos that are for, like, couples that are just, like, boy girl?” She said.

Maybe I’m ignorant but from what I could tell from the box of the videos we carry it’s mostly all boy-girl unless specified as having lesbian, bi, gay, trans in it. “We unfortunately just have regular porn, nothing with a story line or parody and unless it says otherwise mostly everything we have is boy-girl porn”

“How would it, like, specify that it was otherwise?” She blinked at me with her head slightly cocked. I hate making stereotypes but she had a blank blonde joke worthy stare.

“We have signs to specify the categories.” She just continued to stare wide eyed and vacant at me so I added, “So if it says Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, or She Male--”

She started to laugh and swatted at my direction, “Ohmigod, like, ok I gotcha!” She then turned to look through the DVD’s we carried.

If I could have, I would’ve face-palmed myself because I felt like I was being filmed in a movie spoof about ditzy blondes. I am NOT making any of this up either, all this happened the way I am typing it. I barely believe it happened this way because it’s all so cliché.

She continued to look through the porn and eventually picked a movie out. After that she picked up two other items in the toy section of the store and came to the register. It took her a second to realize where the turn style hole was and she gingerly placed the items she got into it and then said matter-of-fact as she placed the DVD down, “And this is for…..” She trailed off as if she realized she shouldn’t tell me what it was really for. It’s a porn DVD, it’s kind of self-explanatory. I didn’t say this however and I rang her up and that was the end of our encounter. She said goodbye before she left and the little hairs on my arm stood up because her voice would officially haunt me for the rest of today.

There are 2 morals of this story, folks. 1) If you’re blonde naturally or a bottle blonde…..You DO NOT have to act like the stereotype ditzy blonde, no one likes that….and if someone tells you they do, they’re really just making fun of you. 2) Save the baby voice for the bedroom of the lover who appreciates it. When in public use your big girl voice and sound like an adult. When you’re late 20’s + it’s creepy and not ok. If your voice naturally sounds like a 6 year old choir boy…..well then….I’m sorry….your voice is repugnant.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

My Wife Isn't Home

My Wife Isn’t Home

Thankfully this post is NOT about my wife, she may not be home currently but she will be after she gets of work. This is an interesting story about a customer I dealt with today. Honestly it’s not really funny, and it’s more of a documentation of what just happened to me a few hours ago. I sometimes forget Dundalk will never cease to amaze me because just when I think I’ve seen/heard it all, someone walks thru the door to make me go ‘W-T-F just happened’? For example, here’s what happened today;

It was a quiet Wednesday. My shift was coming to a close in just a little over an hour when a young African American man walked into the store. He was wearing a red and black checkered hoodie that had spades on it. I stood up from sitting and said, “Hi how are you today?”

“Terrible” He said flatly.

This response momentarily blocked my usual answer of, “Good, if I can help you find something just let me know”. I was not used to people being honest with me about how they really were. Upon further inspection I noticed this guy was dead serious. His pug like eyes (the only humorous thing about this encounter) swept the floor as he said, “My wife left me. She didn’t come home last night.” Again, I was left speechless and I really couldn’t think of what to say to him so I fidgeted with things behind the counter. He walked up to the fish bowl and asked, “Where are your women’s panties?”

Trying to not think about how pug like his eyes were and how I knew this was going to be a tense experience I said calmly, “What size is she?”

“Small” He said miserably.

“Over there,” I pointed to the biggest wall of ladies panties we had, “They’re all priced and sized on the tags.” I was NOT leaving the fish bowl to help him search for a small size because he didn’t look like he was stable.

“Why does a woman leave her husband?” He said loudly. I blinked, again not sure if I should try to respond or just leave him be. Before I could decide anything he started to say in a raised voice, “She just won’t come home! WHY does a WIFE not come home to her husband?! She’s MY WIFE!” He repeated this over and over to the panties in front of him before he picked a black thong with tiny hearts all over it. He shuffled to the counter and put the panties in the turn style. I was kind of curious as to why he was buying a thong when the woman in question clearly was not at home and probably would never wear them from the sounds of it. But, it’s not my place to judge so I turned the style and rang up the panties. I read him his total and he said loudly to me or no one, “I don’t know why I’m buying this; it’s like buying underwear for no one anyway”

“Do you still want it….?” I wasn’t going to force him to buy it but he said nothing and just stared at me so I eventually rang him up. As I rang him up he continued to ask over and over why his wife wouldn’t come home and what would possess a wife to not come home to her husband. As he ranted as I put the thong and his receipt into the bag before I twirled the turn style back to him.  As he turned to leave I said hopefully, “I hope your night gets better and I hope things work out for you.”

He turned very slowly around to face me with a look of pure disgust and anger, “How?”

I blinked, shrugged, and said, “Sometimes you just got to make the best of a horrible situation”

“No. You can’t ‘make’ anything better when your wife has LEFT you! She is my WORLD, without her I’m NOTHING. I should be dead right now. Dead.” I was now VERY uncomfortable and looked down because I could see no matter how positive I was trying to be he was always going to find a way to make the situation worse. “She’s my LIFE and she’s LEFT me….there’s no fixing that…..I should’ve DIED a long time ago…a long time ago….” With that haunting message he left the store blinking back tears.

I was left feeling a menagerie of feelings; 1) Thankful, that he didn’t get physical with the plexi-glass cage. Cuz for a moment in there he looked like he was going to start throwing stuff with how disgusted he was with me telling him to try to have a good night. 2) Grateful, that he didn’t physically hurt himself in front of me. Also, I am very grateful no one else came into the store while he was here because that would’ve been SUPER awkward for another customer to be exposed to that without the protective cage. 3) Hope, that he DOESN’T do anything stupid now that he’s gone to do whatever he was headed to do.

So, I apologize that this entry was intense but I haven’t posted anything in a long time and I thought it was worthy of a post. Cuz let’s face it; it’s not something you get every day at a retail store, let alone a porn store! Let’s hope someone fun comes in soon to wash away this one, yeah? Oi to the vey!

Friday, September 21, 2012

CPCF- Mumbles the Creeper

CPCF-Mumbles the Creeper


I told you I would be back for another Crazy Phone Call Friday, and I kept my promise! So, from the title you can see I had a creeper encounter, though I think that’s a moot point because most of these entries are about one form of a creeper or another. But this guy totally wins the title as a creeper. Thankfully this creeper was just on the phone and not in person. I think if I had seen him in real life and had to have this conversation while looking at him I might have vomited in the trashcan that has a hole at the bottom of it. But now I’m just rambling….So here’s the story, fresh off the press;

I was working on an image in Photoshop to pass the time here at Love Lips when the phone rang. It had been a quiet morning, so as I hit the green ‘Talk’ button I tried to muster as much pep into my voice as I could, and failed horribly, “Love Lips, how can I help you?” I said in neutral voice.

The man on the other end was whisper-talking like he was either out of breath or trying not to be heard, “Yes, hello, do you have _______?”

I blinked, not having ANY clue what he just said, I don’t even know how to translate what I heard here on the computer for you because it was that inaudible. So, to bullshit my way through this creepy voice phone call, I said, “No we don’t carry that”

“You don’t have ________?” He repeated, again in an inaudible voice when he said the item in question.

“No” I said flatly, I was still deciding if this was the one guy that likes to call and ask prices of things for 15 minutes just to waste my time.

“Well then do you have ___________?” Again, his voice was clear enough, in his creepy whisper, until he said the name of what he was looking for.

Now I was getting frustrated so I said, “No we don’t have that either”, hoping he’d say ‘Oh ok’ and that would be the end of our creepy conversation. Of course I wouldn’t have that kind of luck the time I wished for it.

“Do you even know what I’m talking about?” He said in his raspy creepy whisper voice.

“Um not really, but I would think if I carried it I would’ve known what you were referring to”

“Ok…do you carry the Jesse Jane male masturbator?” His voice of course got more breathless as he said this.

“No we sadly don’t carry that one” I said, we get asked that often but they’re just too expensive.

“Do you carry the ________ porn star masturbator?” He said in another overly breathless voice.

“No we do not, we don’t carry any porn star masturbators we only have standard looking vagina masturbators.” I felt my patience wearing thin as my voice got very flat and matter-of-fact.

“Alright, where are you located?” Creepy asked. I REALLY didn’t want to tell him but we’re a business and I had to. So as I tried to pray he never find the location I said where we were located in Dundalk and he said, “Do you have any ________?”

I felt the last nerve I had for this creepy man fizz out with a loud crackle and said in a snappy tone, “Listen, you either need to speak up or speak more clearly cuz I can barely hear you!” I was done playing his little game and hoped if he was jacking off I just killed his buzz.

“Do you have glory holes?” He said more clearly, though sadly still with his creepy whisper voice.

“No we don’t have viewing booths” I said flatly, I could feel the anger staring to rise like a snake in the back of my mind.

“Well, do you still have glory holes?” Creepy insisted.

“If we don’t have viewing booths we’re not going to have glory holes, so no, we don’t” I said, the anger now bleeding into my tone of voice.

“Are you getting a tone with me young lady?” Creepy said in an extra creepy yet somehow annoyed voice.

“As a matter of fact I am, you’re now asking inappropriate questions and are being rather creepy about it. So do you have any other business questions?” I was DONE with this conversation. He mumbled something on the other line that I couldn’t here so I said very clearly, “Excuse me?”

“Shave your pussy” He said in his creepy voice.

I could feel my eye twitch as my voice slid through my teeth, “Excuse me, what did you just say?”

“Shave your pussy…’s hairy…..” He said in his super creepy voice, dead pan with no emotion.

“Alrighty, we’re done with this pointless conversation, good bye” I hung up.

Thankfully he did NOT call back and I am praying he DOESN’T come in. If he does, I don’t know what I would do. I feel like he would start licking the window or jerking off in front of me. A little extreme of me to think….but you didn’t hear his voice. I really wish I could’ve found a way to record it because he had a voice from a woman’s worst nightmare, no joke.

Friday, September 14, 2012

CPCF-Black Area

CPCF-Black Area


Hello my lovely SfaPS Followers! This is super exciting for me, I dunno about you guys but it feels like forever since I’ve written anything new. I was getting scared Love Lips was turning me too cynical to find anything humorous about some of the special encounters I have. But this week has proven to me that it’s not me, there just weren’t any good stories to write about. As I write this now I have to admit I am forming a theory; the crazies seem to come out of the wood work after summer. Why? They no longer can creep outside because it’s just too cold. Granted it’s not too cold yet here in Maryland but it’s almost Fall and I guess the weirdo’s are prepping me for all the crazies that are to come later on in the season.

Since it’s been so slow in the writing department I have been bringing the computer to work to work on the logo for the craft store I own with a few friends on Etsy. Today wasn’t any different; I was working hard to get our logo made in Photoshop. It was a relatively quiet day and as the afternoon rolled around the phone rang. Sighing as I released the mouse I picked up the receiver and hit the ‘talk’ button and said, “Love Lips, how can I help you?”

“Hi there, I was wondering if you had viewing booths?” A man’s voice said over the phone in a very pleasant tone.

This was a frequently asked question as of late and I was sad to say, “No, I’m sorry we don’t have viewing booths anymore.”

“Do you know of any other locations that do?” He said; it was a very common question once they realized we didn’t have them in our store anymore.

 “Our sister store on Rossville Blvd does, lemme give you their number” I read Rossville’s number to him and after a slight pause from his end I expected the conversation to be coming to an end. I was actually getting ready to say ‘have a nice day’ when he said, “Do you know if they have glory holes….?” He said timidly.

“I’m not sure” I said honestly, Rossville had been inspected a few months ago and usually when that happens the “glory holes” get covered up because it’s technically illegal to have sex in the booths because it’s borderline prostitution.

“Well, do you know if it’s a ‘black area’?” He said plainly.

If music was playing it would’ve ripped right here. Did he really just ask if it was a black area? My first thought was that he was racist and I do NOT tolerate such bigotry so I said in a heated tone, “I…um…wow…This is America, so I would assume there might possibly be black people that go to that store but I really don’t know if it’s considered a ‘black area’. I haven’t worked there in over 2 years so I’m not familiar with the cliental.”  Seriously, who did this guy think he was? I’m not black and I find that question offensive!

There was a decent pause on his end before he said, “Oh, ok….well I was just asking because I just recently had my first black man experience and would like to have it again so do you know if there are a lot of black men that go to that location?” His tone of voice was neutral as if I didn’t just kind of yell at him.

I had to bite my tongue. I felt silly for not realizing he meant he was looking for a black man to have sex with, he wasn’t racist. But, after working in Dundalk I had come across my fair share of racist people. On the flip side I was even more annoyed he didn’t listen to anything I just said, as I breathed in to answer him all I could think was; I swear to God, people don’t listen to what I say, I might as well be talking to a wall, But thankfully I tapped my inner bitch down enough to say, “Sir, as I said before; I haven’t worked there in over TWO years so I am NOT familiar with the cliental. You’ll have to call Rossville and ask because I do not know.”

“Do you think they’ll know if black guys go back there a lot?” He asked.

I felt my stress eye twitch kick in, “You will have to call Rossville, ok? I don’t work at that location.”

FINALLY it sunk in that I DIDN’T know if there was a hot black man waiting to screw him in the viewing booth area and he said, “Alright”

Before he could ask me again if I knew anything about the white to black ratio of the viewing booths in Rossville I said, “Have a good day” and hung up.

I feel like today’s story deserves a ‘moral of the story’ line but after writing this my eye is twitching so badly I am just going to say this; if you are asking a question that involves a person of a different color….if you can’t think of a respectful way to ask….DON’T ASK! I completely believe color doesn’t matter, we’re all human beings but that doesn’t mean some of the words that fall out of your mouth can be understood by everyone.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Short and Not so Sweet: Part V Rhinestones

Short and Not so Sweet Stories: Part V


Wow it’s getting a little depressing with not having anything fun currently. I am hoping that the crazies pick up soon so I have more stories to write for you all. But, tonight, as promised I DO have a story for you!!!I wrote this back when the pink computer was still alive and things were fun. I don’t know how this one slipped and hasn’t been posted yet…Better late than never, right? I hope you enjoy this fun-filled entry starting right now……

I know I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again because it’s becoming true, every time I have the pink computer in my lap and I am working on a story for the blog something crazy happens and I have to start a new story all over again. Like today, I’ve written 3 stories back-to-back because each time I start one another good event happens. Whew! I’m just glad to have something to write about again, how about you guys? Anyway! I was writing when the Love Lips door jingled and I quickly folded up the computer and stood up to smile at the older woman who came into the store. She had to be in her late 50’s and had the coolest eye make-up ever. It was green with gold that blended nicely in the middle of her eye lid and then another completely different shade of color above. I LOVE layering my eye shadow so she was a welcomed eye shadow idea. “If I can help you with anything, let me know” I smiled at her.

“Thanks hon” She smiled and then focused her attention to the lingerie section and mainly looked through the panties that were hanging up. After a long pause in which she looked closely at a pair in undies with little rhinestone hearts on it she came up to the glass and said, “Hey hon—oh, can yo hear me?”

This is a common question and sometimes a good question. You don’t realize just how quite people talk until you’re behind glass. “Yes ma’am”

“Oh good.” She smiled and then said, “Are these all the panties you have?”

“Yes ma’am they are”

“Oh...” She said more to herself and then said a little louder, “Oh…well that’s not good”

“Ma’am?” I said confused.

“Ya see my husband came in here during Valentine’s Day and claims to have gotten me a pair of panties from this location. I’m sure you’ve seen him in here before”

I got scared thinking she was going to drill me into remembering one man of the MANY I rang up for thongs and lingerie during the Valentine’s week cuz there was NO WAY I was going to remember. But she said, “At least he swears he came to this very location and got me a thong with rhinestones on it.”

I just blinked and nodded, what else was I supposed to say?

“I know he’s lyin’ though because the thong is missing rhinestones on it and it had lint on it like it had been washed” She said in a suspicious tone. “So they must be used. It just means he’s runnin’ around on me again” She sighed.

“I’m sorry…” I felt really bad for her, no one should be lied to.

“Yeah I mean he thinks he’s gotten away with it this time. Cuz you know this isn’t the first time this has happened to me. But the lint just proves it” She said solemnly.

I kinda wanted to point out that it was probably a good idea he washed them but she seemed set in her thinking and said before I could speak, “Well, have a good day hon”

“You too……” I said a little at a loss for words.

I dunno about you guys but I would hope if my wife bought me panties that were hanging up and not packaged, she would wash them before I wore them because people touch everything and you dunno where those fingers have been…Also, if you’re wondering if your man is cheating on you, the lint proves everything! Who knew?

Friday, July 6, 2012

CPCF- Hours


Hours? What about hours? Well every store has them, those pesky hours that certain establishments choose to force employees to drag themselves into work and start the day filled with grubby retail consumers. So naturally you get the occasional phone call for the person who doesn’t look on line for something as simple as your work hours. I understand not everyone in the world has internet or has access on their phone so calling to double check is perfectly fine. It’s usually the quickest and most painless phone call a retail person can have because it consists of; the customer calls and asks what your hours are and you tell them, and then they usually say thank you and hang up if they don’t have any other questions. This seems simple, yes? I used to think so but apparently here in the crack of Maryland called Dundalk it’s really NOT that simple. Let me explain…

It was an early morning and I was getting the paper work ready for the day when the phone rang. I put the pen down and reached for the phone. After taking in a collective breath just in case it was a difficult phone call I hit the green ‘Talk’ button and said, “Good morning, Love Lips, how can I help you?”

“What is this?” A man sounding in his early 30’s said.

I sighed…it never mattered how much of a delay I gave, or how slow and clear I talked, I ALWAYS was asked what the store was, “This is Love Lips the Adult Novelty Store” I said in as much of a neutral tone as I could.

“Oh good, I was just wondering what your hours were” He said in a chipper voice.

“Monday through Saturday we’re opened from 9:30 am to 10 pm. On Sunday we’re open from 11 am to 6 pm.”

“Oh great, I didn’t know you were open on Sunday’s! That’s great….” There was a pause before he said, “So what are your weekday hours?”

I blinked, I really thought saying Monday through Saturday included the weekday hours but apparently saying we were open the same hours on Saturday threw him off so I said in a clear, possibly irritated tone, “Monday through Friday” I made a point to emphasize on Friday because Friday ends a week and he apparently needed to hear that, “…we are open from 9:30 in the morning to 10 o’clock at night. On Saturday we’re open from 9:30 am to 10 at night. Sunday we’re open at 11am and close at 6pm” I said all this slowly and as clearly as I could.

“Oh…ok so on the weekdays you’re open at 9:30 and close at 10pm?” He made it sound like I was saying it wrong because his voice got crisp at the point he said ‘weekdays’.

I glared at the plexi-glass frame and said through pinched lips. “Yes sir…” Yay! You get a gold star, precious!

“Okay! Thanks” He hung up.

I stared at the phone after I hung up still not sure that really happened. I didn’t think the first way I said it was confusing but apparently in Dundalk even the most simple task requires a map and hand puppets….even if you’re just telling someone when you open and close.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Do Not Tap on the Glass!!!

Well lookie here, it’s another Do Not Tap on the Glass entry! It has made another appearance on this fine Blog! You might not remember this section of my blog but I started it shortly after the plexi-glass ‘cage’ aka the ‘fish bowl’ was erected *no pun intended* here at the fine establishment of Love Lips. For those of you who are wondering what it the purpose of this entry it’s quite simple; thanks to the dumber population I have a whole new section to create and write about what it’s like being that person behind one of these fine claustrophobic mechanisms. Tada! Alright then, without further ado here we go……

#1- Things That Make You Go ‘Wow, Really?’-Oh Dundalk you never fail to prove how dumb you make your people……

It was a Wednesday afternoon when I was putting stock away, my arms so full of product I was keeping it all contained with holding things with my chin. Why was I acting like I was in the circus? We have no shelf space so it’s all a balancing act, really. Anyway! The Love Lips jingle sounded a customer and I moved carefully to look at the door and the new person, “Hi, how are you?”

“Wow this is new” She ogled the plexi-glass cage and I grunted as I quickly put product on already full pegs so I could have a free hand to get new pegs for the product. “When did you guys put this up?”

“Sometime at the end of last year” I said flatly.

“Wow…” She tapped on the glass and thinking she needed something I turned to face her, hands finally free and she looked up at the signs Bethany posted that clearly say, “Please Do NOT Tap on Glass”. She threw her hands up in the air and whipped around to face me and said, Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I didn’t see the sign there! I’m sorry!”

It’s either no one apologizes or this happens, I can’t win!

#2- My Favorite Color is Clear!!! FYI; The Glass We Have IS Clear…

It was a slow day when a biker looking chick waltzed into Love Lips and said in a smoker voice, “Hey hon!”

“Hi, if you need any help let me know, ok?” I like when customers are casual, not too weird or too crazy, it always makes for a good day.

“Yeah you got any ‘tobacco’ products?” She used her fingers to make the quotations for the word ‘tobacco’ cuz let’s face it no one really uses any ‘tobacco’ product for tobacco. Well I’m sure some people do but you know what I mean!

The ironic part? She was standing right in front of it. “Yeah it’s in the glass case in front of you” Sadly there really was no other way to say it without sounding like a bitch, I felt bad…until…

“Oh! Duh!” She knocked her head with the palm of her hand to indicate she had a sense of humor and then promptly leaned over and SMASHED her head into the plexi-glass so hard the entire cage swayed a little.

“Oh my—Are you ok??” Let me tell you something, it was pretty damned hard not to laugh.

“Yeah…I should’ve remembered there was glass there”

Yeah…honest mistake, it is clear and all……

#3- I Saw the Sign…and It Didn’t Open Up My Eyes…

Ahhh, Ace of Base, the questionable 90’s band that produced, and really was only famous for its one catchy song called “I saw the sign”. I knew one day this song would work its way into my blog, I mean how could it not?

While I was silent for a good length of time I grew rapidly angrier each time a customer asked if we had been robbed because the glass was put up. Besides the obvious fact of; it was once not here and then was….and its main purpose is to protect the person behind it. It also was NOT designed to be aesthetically pleasing to the eye….so what else would it have been built for? My first thought would be that the store was robbed, but that’s just me. Apparently the imagination only stretches so far for the inbreed stock of Dundalk’s finest human beings, so  for almost half a year I would have to nod and explain that we were in fact robbed twice, no one was hurt, the robbers were not caught by the police, and that this all happened last year. So in a fit of rage after the 456434405235689865 person asked me if we were robbed, I hung a sign by the register for people to read as they waited for me to check their purchases out. The sign reads; YES, the glass cage you see in front of you IS new. It was put up sometime in late November last year. YES, we were robbed; this was not added because it looks charming. NO, no one was hurt. Thanks for your concern. ~Management.

Now some of you may think that the sign is a little harsh because it is human nature to ask questions and some people really don’t understand the purpose of the glass cage so why word it like that? Imagine if you will, that  literally, every single person who walked through the front door asked you about the glass cage…AND every single day you worked it was the same questions and reactions. It would get kind of obnoxious and no longer funny, right? Well, I got to a point where I wanted to scream obscenities and tell them they were ass-hats because why else would we have glass if it wasn’t a dangerous area?! So, I thought the sign was safer. Anywho, I promise there is a story behind this so without further ado here we go;

 I was thinking to myself that I needed to update the blog soon and the perfect couple walked through the Love Lips door just the other day. A very pasty pale man who looked like he was in his 30’s with acne that was almost classic nerd movie style came into my fine establishment arm in arm with a very curvy but good looking African American woman. I thought it was an odd pair only because he looked like he was missing his coke bottle glasses and suspenders while she was normal looking. So I chalked it up to he must be a great person and looks didn’t matter to her. As they looked around she kept pulling her yoga pants tighter around her butt so you could see her butt crack in the pants. I had to blink the crack out of my eyes a few times because she would walk around with her hand above her butt holding the fabric to accent the crack. She was an attractive woman but why she thought making the yoga pants show her crack was a good idea is still beyond me. But after a good 15 minutes they came to the register with a few things in hand. As we made polite conversation she looked at the sign on the glass and pointed it out to her boyfriend. He was giving me a hard time about asking for his ID to make sure the card name matched when she said to me after looking at the sign one more time, “You guys were robbed?” She had a very innocent and blank stare on her pretty face.

I was already feeling frustrated at his annoyance at being carded I looked up at her and smiled what I was sure a painful looking smile and said, “Yes…we were”

“Hunnie I don’t think the sign would be up if they weren’t robbed” He said gently.

“Well I had to check, cuz you never know if it’s true or not” she said matter-of-factly.

I kept the best forced smile I could on my face, “We were robbed twice”

“O-Ohhh…” She said in wonder as her boyfriend took his merchandise from the turn style.

“Have a great day guys” I said as they turned to leave. I heard her make the comment on it being weird that we were robbed and I still can’t figure out why someone would assume the sign was fake? Am I missing something? Oh well….It IS Dundalk after all….