This is literally the first story I have written for 2013, I felt almost hesitant to post because I feel bad about my lack of stories of the past few months. I can’t apologize enough to the people who have enjoyed this blog and still follow it and check back periodically to look for updates; if you are one of those people…you all are awesome! To be completely honest, I was feeling extremely burnt out over this job. I write about Love Lips as if it was my personal store but in reality it’s not actually mine. I’m just a store manager blogging about my awkward and hysterical encounters. At one point, writing about these stories kept this job fun and made me look forward into going in each day. I don’t remember when I stopped posting. I wanna say it was last Fall in 2012 but again, I am sorry for stopping without warning. What happened? Nothing amused me anymore; the people of Dundalk had officially tapped out all the funny I could find in situations, and instead of finding the humor in a situation it just made me blood-boiling angry. What provoked me to write today? A voice, a horse faced woman (worse than Sarah Jessica Parker), and something else I can’t place. I don’t know what about this woman that has sparked another entry but I am personally not complaining and I hope you enjoy this update of my amazingly awkward job at Love Lips, the porn store.
Love Lips had just opened for the day and I had finished my breakfast. I was staring outside at the bright sunny day after what was supposed to have been the worst snow storm since 2009 when I saw a big red SUV drive up. I was taken out of my nonsensical thoughts and focused on the big bug glasses the woman in the car wore. I thought that she was headed to the nail salon because they have customers from 9 am until close and most of them wear those huge bug-looking sunglasses. So I turned back to the inside of my fish bowl and fished out my lap top to start watching a movie. The Love Lips door jingled and I stood up with the computer in my hands. I was in the process of tucking it under the counter as I said, “Hi, let me know if I can help you with anything today”. I barely glanced at her because she was just a typical higher end Dundalk woman, dressed in a pink hoodie and pink sweat pants, bug sun glasses, and bottle blonde. But the words out of her mouth made me literally pause and I’m pretty sure I had a dumbfounded expression when she said, “I’m good, thanks” Simple words, yes? No. Have you ever met someone and the first instinct you have is to ask them if that’s they’re real voice or are they exaggerating a younger tone of voice? I had one of those moments today and it spurred me into writing about it. She had one of those voices that sounded like she was in a porn video where she was pretending to be a 13 year old school girl. To most men this might be sexy; to a woman it was like nails on a chalk board. If by some unfortunate coincidence it was her real voice I think I might have gone bat sh*t insane if I was the one dating her. It was extremely obnoxious! I put my glasses on and took a better look at her. I actually wondered if I had accidently let a minor into my store. Upon further inspection she was in her 20-30’s and as she took her bug sunglasses off I saw she was unfortunately horse-like. All of her facial features were elongated and she had bigger front teeth. I was surprised by her voice and now her face. I fiddled with the calendar and played ‘Let’s look at the important E-mail from the warehouse’ as she browsed. I was trying not to be rude and stare at her and find other odd things wrong with her. She couldn’t help she looked worse than Sarah Jessica Parker (who is pretty btw but her face is very long).
I was looking through old saved E-mails when she came up to the far end of my plexi-glass cage and said in her annoying 13 year old baby voice, “Um…I have a silly question”
I twitched from the words that came out of her mouth but said with a smile, “What kind of question?”
“Do you have porn videos that are for, like, couples that are just, like, boy girl?” She said.
Maybe I’m ignorant but from what I could tell from the box of the videos we carry it’s mostly all boy-girl unless specified as having lesbian, bi, gay, trans in it. “We unfortunately just have regular porn, nothing with a story line or parody and unless it says otherwise mostly everything we have is boy-girl porn”
“How would it, like, specify that it was otherwise?” She blinked at me with her head slightly cocked. I hate making stereotypes but she had a blank blonde joke worthy stare.
“We have signs to specify the categories.” She just continued to stare wide eyed and vacant at me so I added, “So if it says Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, or She Male--”
She started to laugh and swatted at my direction, “Ohmigod, like, ok I gotcha!” She then turned to look through the DVD’s we carried.
If I could have, I would’ve face-palmed myself because I felt like I was being filmed in a movie spoof about ditzy blondes. I am NOT making any of this up either, all this happened the way I am typing it. I barely believe it happened this way because it’s all so cliché.
She continued to look through the porn and eventually picked a movie out. After that she picked up two other items in the toy section of the store and came to the register. It took her a second to realize where the turn style hole was and she gingerly placed the items she got into it and then said matter-of-fact as she placed the DVD down, “And this is for…..” She trailed off as if she realized she shouldn’t tell me what it was really for. It’s a porn DVD, it’s kind of self-explanatory. I didn’t say this however and I rang her up and that was the end of our encounter. She said goodbye before she left and the little hairs on my arm stood up because her voice would officially haunt me for the rest of today.
There are 2 morals of this story, folks. 1) If you’re blonde naturally or a bottle blonde…..You DO NOT have to act like the stereotype ditzy blonde, no one likes that….and if someone tells you they do, they’re really just making fun of you. 2) Save the baby voice for the bedroom of the lover who appreciates it. When in public use your big girl voice and sound like an adult. When you’re late 20’s + it’s creepy and not ok. If your voice naturally sounds like a 6 year old choir boy…..well then….I’m sorry….your voice is repugnant.