Candy?

Candy?

Screaming O Rings is the topic of today’s blog post. So when you first here this name, what do you immediately picture? Well let me try describing it to you; it’s a little device that is made of silicone in the shape of an O and has a small vibrating bullet on top on it. The silicone around the vibrating bullet has little nubby pieces on it for stimulation. So if you haven’t guessed now by my description, it is a vibrating cock ring. It’s quite simple really and this device in particular is made to last for 40 minutes as a kind of “tester” to see if you and your significant other like using them. The vibrating cock rings give both parties stimulation and pleasure from the vibration. Most cock rings are meant to be a little smaller than the man’s junk so it keeps the blood in the penis so the hard-on last longer and it also makes reaching an orgasm a little more work so the end result is good for the both of you. The bullet inside of the ring is made to hit the woman’s clit so it helps get her somewhere faster. So all in all it’s a good little device. Now this story is about this device in particular and I had to share the special-ness that came with this encounter. But before I start I like to always remind the Reader I am in no way racist, homophobic (cuz I’m a lesbian that’d be kinda dumb), or seriously judgmental of peoples size, appearance, or dress. The way I describe everyone is for entertainment purposes and to give you the reader a better idea of what I saw with my own eyes. With that said let’s get to the good parts!

This happened on a particularly special day and actually happened after I wrote Sexy is as Sexy Does and I had already shut the computer off, but it was so worth re-telling the story. So this was a couple of hours after the Grandma Sexy Party *shiver* Lady and just a little bit before my shift ended. I saw a younger African American couple walk by a few times and then finally they came inside. All this was alright until the overly large woman the young man was with used her largeness to catch the door he had opened for her and in the process of removing herself from the door almost ripped the turning “Open”/”Closed” sign down with her unusual entrance into the store. I have nothing against bigger people, I am actually bigger myself but she was shaped rather oddly and was wearing a VERY tight dress. She was one of those heavier people that everything from the middle up was very wide and then from the middle down was very thin. The human body is amazing in how it handles being overweight. But anyway! She waddled in the store and the boyfriend walked beside her and they joked around and pointed out things they thought were funny, nothing unusual. On their way back around the store she stopped at the counter and looked at the Screaming O Rings.

“What are these?” She picked one up to look at it closer.

“They’re a vibrating cock ring”

“Is it candy?”

*blink* “Um...no it’s a vibrating cock ring” It really doesn’t look like candy but Ok…

“What’s that? Candy?” She said as she eyeballed it closer.

I hate to stereotype but seriously?!Not everything is food!  “No I’m sorry, it’s a cock ring and it’s not edible.” She kept looking at it like she still wanted to test to make sure I was telling the truth so I continued,  “it’s a sex toy that goes on the penis and vibrates” Granted as I tried to explain this the boyfriend finally chimes in that it isn’t candy to her as well.

“Oh! A cock ring! Gotcha…” Her boyfriend picked one up and showed her before I could how it works. She then started to yell at him wondering why he let her think that for so long and make a fool of herself. I felt sort of bad for her but she was VERY determined to make that thing food. I mean I guess it kinda looks like a ring pop? …..Er…Maybe a long lost cousin of the Ring Pop that was thrice removed, but sure why not!

Always Ask, for YOUR Safety!!!

Always Ask, for YOUR Safety!

This next story was quite an interesting conversation worthy of going onto the blog. This happened a while back when the pink computer had fried and I was out of commission for a while. But I will never forget the scenario I’m about to explain to you.

It was a quiet morning and I was cleaning the inside of the cases to keep myself busy when the Love Lips jingle sounded me to stand up and greet the new comer. “Welcome to Love Lips! Let me know if I can help you with anything” I said politely. I noted that the woman was a well dressed medium built African American woman with very pretty smoky blue eyes (it was hard to miss because of how unusual the color was)

“Thanks” She said simply and started to look around then after a few seconds se said to me, “I’m going on vacation to visit my on line boyfriend down in Florida and want to know what you may have that could be fun to use while I’m down there” Easy! I showed her bullets, hand cuffs and silk blind folds, massage oils, and ticklers. But nothing seemed to catch her fancy and she said, “Alright, thanks. We’ve tried most of that stuff”

“Well, we also have the vibrating cock rings” I said hopefully.

“Hmm” I showed her the Screaming O and after a few minutes of playing with the device she set it back down and shook her head. “Alright, I’m gonna just look, thanks for your help”

It sometimes aggravates me that people come in looking for things to “spice” up their sex lives but anything they haven’t already tried is an automatic “no” or “my boyfriend/girlfriend won’t try that”. To try something new means to try something new. But back to the story! I went back to putting things back on the top shelf in the glass cases when I heard her say loudly, “I remember these!” She picked up a dildo looking at it like it was something disgusting yet intriguing

I smiled her way, not sure how to respond but I didn’t actually have to because she said suddenly, “I don’t know why men bring these things into the bed room, I mean they already have one!”

Eyebrow raised I just nodded. I am a firm believer in exploring all comfortable avenues of sex if you are comfortable with the partner you’re with, but to each their own.

“I remember there was one guy I was dating that didn’t tell me he was bringing toys to bed and he just whipped it out from under the pillow and just expected me to be OK with that! I mean what the hell?!”

Feeling like I needed to respond I said, “Well a lot of couples try to bring sex toys in to spice things up. Maybe he just wanted to try something new with you?” When I saw her eyes look a little stormy I added, “But I agree, he should’ve talked to you first.” I dunno what her issue was but most women that visit my establishment complain about how their men won’t try anything toy wise with them and they have to beg. But like I said before, whatever floats your boat…

“I guess but let me tell you, no one brings toys into my bed without telling me”

Allrrigghhttyy then…Yes ma’am!

“I’ll tell you somethin’; I was SO MAD I beat him over the head with that damned dildo until he was cowering in the corner then I cut that stupid thing and threw the pieces at the dumb ass!”

W-T-F?!? I dunno about you but what the heck do you cut a dildo with?! Those things are solid all the way through and I can’t imagine finding something THAT sharp to cut it to pieces….That poor guy. I smiled gingerly at her and she continued the conversation like what she did was normal. “I mean now if I bring the toys to the bedroom that’s OK. Why men think it’s a good idea is beyond me…” She shook her head at the toys she was in front as she continued to look now through the bullet section. She started to talk to me about this new guy she was with and how big he was and how she couldn’t wait to get down to him but she was very unsure if he really loved her. This woman was quite crazy and I feared for this new guy’s sanity and face (he might just get a dildo in the eye). She stayed in the store for a long time talking to me so to cut this short so I don’t bore you to pieces, I had to play therapist and assure her that she was worthy of being treated like a woman and not an object and by the time she was done all she bought was a bullet and batteries and I kinda wanted to beat my head against the wall. So, the moral of this story is; ALWAYS tell your partner that you might want to bring sex toys into the bedroom because you never know who is going to beat you with a dildo then cut it up into pieces and throw them at you until you cry. You have been warned.

Do You Have Batteries and Pacifiers? Post- Irene Story

Do You Have Batteries and Pacifiers?-A Post Irene Story

Pre-Hurricane Irene was a fun and eventful day. From the moment I opened it was person after person with only a few intervals of down time. I guess sex toys and porn were also on everyone’s hurricane check list. LOL I mean what else are you going to do when your power goes out? But the reason I write this entry is because of Batteries and everything else that came after it. Everyone is panicking and everyone is looking for batteries and other assorted goods. Every time I look at Face Book I see another person commenting on how many things local stores are sold out of. Besides selling a bunch of sex toys and porn we only have had 3 people stop in looking for certain batteries. It’s amazing how many people forget that a store that sells things that run specifically on batteries….has batteries! But the first two ladies that came in were looking for D batteries and our tiny store doesn’t sell anything that takes that size battery. But the second lady to come in inquiring about batteries hit the jack pot with us.

“Excuse me do you have C Batteries?”

“Yes we do” I counted out supplies, “We have 6 of them”

“Great! My sister asked me to find batteries but EVERYONE is out of batteries and as I was driving by I thought ‘Hmm, I wonder if the Adult Store has batteries’!” She giggled.

“Yeah, so far there’s only be one other group of people looking for batteries but I’m sure by the end of the night we’ll be sold out”

“Oh I don’t doubt it! Give me one second to find out how many my sister needs”

I gave her a moment to call her sister as I took down a pack of C Batteries.

“Can you take 4 down for me, just in case someone else comes in!” She looked at the door waiting for a rush of people and then getting through to who she needed on the phone she started to direct the person on the other line for her sister, after a pause she said, “You’ll never guess where I am!”

I let her joke about being in the sex store and pretended to be interested in the computer for a second until I heard her say “Oh, ok! Bye” I looked back to her for the verdict, “She wants me to get 3. My sister was so shocked I thought of this and was SO surprised I came in because I’m a bit of a prude.” She chuckled as she paid. “I’ve never been into one of these stores before in my life!”

“Well there’s always a time for trying something different” I said with a smile.

“You know, I may just take a quick look around, I mean I know I’m a prude and all by why not? I’m here right?”

“Yup, why not?” I said helpfully.

She started to walk gingerly into the toy section and bee lined for the bachelorette section. “Oh my God that is too funny!” She pointed to the boobie slippers. “Oh I know someone who would love those, do you carry these all year ‘round?”

“Yes ma’am, unless they’re back ordered”

“Great, I’ll definitely be coming back for those sometime.” She continued to look at things and stopped in front of the dildos and her voice got kind of tiny and a little less excited. “You know, I’ve never been in one of these stores so I’m not sure what a lot of this is for…”

I always feel bad for the people who are scared of the sex toys..I mean what’s to be scared of? “Well if you have questions about anything I’d be happy to explain it for you”

“Yeah I guess you would. HA! Ok….Thanks” She stopped and looked up at the giant 10” long and 2.5” around dildo and said quickly, “Nope, not gonna ask, I do NOT want to know!” She sped up with looking around and quickly moved into the DVD section and then started to walk a little more slowly as she took in all the images. I left her alone to look in peace and then eventually she came back to the counter. “Wow…those DVD’s are kind of expensive”

“Yeah…they’re just like most DVD’s in price”

“Well thanks for the batteries! Stay safe!”

“You too hon”

*~*~* 15 minutes later*~*~*

“I’m back! My other sister said she needed C Batteries too!” She laughed.

“Welcome back! How many do ya need?” I smiled.

“Just two this time”

As I was ringing her up a very pretty African American woman walked through the door and stopped near the other lady. She laughed very loud and made me and the battery lady jump.

“A dick pacifier! That’s GREAT!”

We both laughed half heartedly but she didn’t act like she minded we weren’t as amused as she was. As I finished with the battery lady’s purchase the new woman said, “You know my sister just had a baby, would it be wrong for me to buy this as a joke? You think she’d get the joke?”

“Sure, if you tell her off hand it’s a joke” I guess?

“What do you think?” She turned to The Battery Lady.

Battery Lady’s eyes looked like they wanted to explode out of her head, “Don’t ask me I don’t have any children!”

“Aw but you know you got those nieces and nephews and you know they suck you dry”

Battery Lady calmed down a little, “True, they know I spoil them”

I let them talk about how if you don’t have kids you tend to spoil the family member’s kids as if they were your own. Then battery lady took her leave and left me alone with the very giggly and loud lady.

“So, do you have anything to help a man keep his erection? My honey is 65 and he has some problems”

She had to only be in her 30’s…Not that there is anything wrong about dating an older man but she looked like she needed someone who could keep up with her. “Well we have Stiff Nights and cock rings.”

“What does Stiff Nights do?” I explained they helped with men lasting longer and it would stay in his system so if they decided to have sex later it was easier to get it back up and the erection would last longer as well. “Hmm…See I don’t think he’d take it willingly. He’s funny, you think after 65 years of life you’d want to try adventurous things, ya know?”

Sure I guess? My girlfriend’s only a year older than me…so that really doesn’t count.

“Can you put it in a drink?”

“I sadly have no idea….”

She made a face and kept looking around; she picked up a Screaming O Ring and asked me what it was. After explaining to her what it was she pouted, “I really wish he’d be adventurous! I mean most men think we need toys cuz they don’t do a good job and I don’t want him to think that….But its true!” She made another face.

It doesn’t help he’s so old…But… “So how long have you two been together?” I asked, trying to make friendly conversation.

“4 years!” She said wide eyed with a ‘Can you believe it?!’ face then said, “I mean I got this young thing comin’ after me but I said no…” She said with a smirk that said she was still tempted. She continued to look around and saw the finger massage glove. “Oh! What’s that?”

“It’s a glove with 5 small vibrators for each finger tip for massage”

“Wow, lemme see it”

I pulled it out of the case and handed it to her. “It’s kind of expensive because there are small vibrators wired inside”

We talked for a while about how nice that would be for a massage until she figured out it was only one glove for $70. “You massage with TWO hands, that’s messed up!” Then she ranted about how stupid it was that they only sold them one glove each. Then she started to talk about other random things (I kind of lost track of what we talked about because she talked so fast and jumped from one subject to the next) but at some point when I had replied a simple “Yes” she said “Man, I’m sick of talkin’ to you” Which made me think internally, WTF?! But I think she used a bad choice of a word because that didn’t stop her from talking more about how her old 65 year old boyfriend didn’t satisfy her and how she needed to come back to the store with her girlfriend. Now when someone says “girlfriend” I don’t jump to conclusions of “Oh, you’re a lesbian” but she looked at me and said quickly. “My buddy, hey how ya doin, hang out to talk kinda girlfriend!” I nodded at her un-phased by the comment, “You know cuz people say ‘girlfriend’ nowadays and it can mean so many things, I mean wow!”

To make this long story shorter she continued to rattle on about how the term girlfriend has changed and anytime she mentioned her ‘girlfriend’ she had to clarify again that she didn’t like women. She bought the pacifier and I hope that the woman she got it for finds it funny. I’m not sure how I’d feel if someone gave me one of those for my child.

But that’s not the end to the whacky customers of Post-Irene Day. Not too long after Battery Lady and 65 yr old Lover Lady a younger couple came in the store.

“Wow you guys got rid of a lot of stuff” The bulky buff younger guy said.

“Nope, everything just got moved to the wall” I said as I finished ringing up a customer.

The two of them looked at one another and stated laughing. Great, “mature” customers. I don’t mind some people being silly but I could just tell they were going to be a pain in my ass on purpose. I watched them look at things and whisper and then eventually the guy said to his girlfriend “I dunno! Ask the lady!” Then they both came up to the counter.

“Did you guys have questions?”

“Naw, but does that guy still work here?”

“We have two guys, what did he look like?”

“Old gay guy, he used to keep his face real trimmed and clean”

Cuz normal guys are unclean? Ok, maybe most are. “Nope”

“No?!”

“Yup, he doesn’t work here anymore”

“Really? Wow! He used to let me in here when I was too young to be in here” He smirked at me like he was cool.

“Well that’s probably why he no longer works here” Rude I know but his smugness was plucking my nerves and he was being a meat head.

He continued to talk after a slight pause at my words and said, “I remember there used to be these little penis erasers and me and my friend brought them into school and I got suspended. It was his fault I got suspended” He said matter of factly. I really had to bite my tongue from saying ‘No, YOU got yourself expelled for being dumb’

When e saw I wasn’t going to feed into his moment he walked over to his girlfriend who was looking in the case at edible lotions.

“Pick one babe”

“I’m looking” She said in a whiny voice.

“What’s the difference between the Oralicious and the Dickilicous?”

“One is just flavored the other one is stimulating”

“Which one tastes better?” He looked at me with a ‘I know you’ve tried it’ face.

Bristling I said flatly, “I’m not sure I have never personally used it but I know people buy a lot of the Strawberry Swirl and the Peaches and Cream”

He glared at me and I could tell he wanted to fight with me saying I should know because I work here. I don’t know why people think just because I work here means I have to try everything out myself. If you work at Wal-Mart does that mean you have to try everything Wal-Mart sells? No, so why should I? Asshat!

“So this one is stimulating?” He pointed to the Dickilicous again.

“Yes, meaning it tingles” I said.

The girl giggled and he stood up fast saying angrily at her, “What’s that suppose to mean?”

“You just punched me in the jaw when you stood up, stupid!”

Oh my goodness…I really wanted them to leave. “We also have smaller tester ones called Head Job”

“Pick two”

“But I want 4!! One in each flavor!!!” She whined.

They bickered and I kept changing the quantity from 3 to 4 to 3 to 4 and they eventually got 3 and he handed me his credit card. I ask everyone who hands me a card (even people with the fuzzy Bank of America pictured cards) “Can I see your ID?”

“He handed the ID over to me and said in a mocking tone, “It’s fake, you know”

*insert sarcastic tone*And so is your attitude, dude. I handed it back to him without comment and was glad to be rid of them as she whined about not being allowed to have the 4 testers she wanted in the first place.

            Since how this entry is about 7 pages long I will spare you from the rest of the afternoon where I had a guy who tried hard to flirt with me last time ask if I finally got married, I’m engaged but until Maryland legalizes gay marriage that sadly isn’t going to happen any time soon. But I don’t like to tell people I’m a lesbian at work unless they push me to the point of not caring. I am SO tired of the “Oh I can turn you straight, baby” bullshit. Then, while someone was shopping through the DVD’s a kid that had to be no older than 15 came in acting like he owned the place. I had a verbal fight with him and had to scream at him to GET OUT and then he proceeded to plaster himself to the glass door and STARE at me. Today was a draining and overly eventful day. But I love my job!

Chronicles of (M): Part III

Chronicles of (M): Part III

Mar-GARET

(This story has a HUGE Major Adult Content Warning! This woman I am about to write about was NASTY and very straight-forward with what she was talking about. DO NOT read if you have a weak stomach or find serious adult content disgusting. But this story could not be ignored)

I have had another nasty adventure in the little shop o' sex. Today’s story is about Margaret (keep in mind names have been changed). Margaret is not a female, but a transgendered female. She is a very sexual human being from the conversations we unfortunately had, yet she did not buy anything from the store se just felt the need to scar me beyond repair. But I’m getting ahead of myself so let’s start at the beginning: She didn’t bother with pleasantries she just jumped straight past the point of TMI and started to tell me about how her vagina is too big and her husband has to fuck her in the ass because of it. I don’t know why she felt I NEED to know these things but wtf?! She then continued her horrifying story and was telling me about how she can take a 10” dick, and she loves the ridges of the double sided dildo. Her husband apparently loves to lick her cum after sex; he loves it in fact and thinks it tastes like milkshake to him. But, just to make sure I had all the facts right, she doesn’t like his cum. I know most of you know I’m pretty fucking off set but this is all entirely true and even past my level of vulgarity. So a little past her telling me about her husband likes her "pussy cream", yes she actually said "pussy cream", she begins to tell me her and all her sisters and mother have big titties. Awesome, I need brain bleach. But to make sure I really hear her she grabs her breasts and lifts them to show me that they are big ole titties, and then for good measure she grabbed her ass which she informed me she got from her mother. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse and while I was trying to pretend I wasn’t actually listening to this conversation she continues to ramble. She would rather get the tongue that getting fucked any day. She really likes getting fucked in the ass while her husband or whatever male she’s fucking at the time rubs on her clit and of course she had to demonstrate just how it was done by standing up straighter and rubbing her clit area.  Mind you the whole time she’s talking she’s been grabbing at her vagina/area and hiking her skirt up and shit (I am now 100% un-comfy). She tells me about this guy she used to mess around with and how he was a skinny little guy with a monster 10'' cock, she tells me she’s recently been cheating with the mailman. Though she hasn’t fucked him yet but has sucked his dick and his ex girlfriend doesn’t like what’s going on so attempts to make their life harder. She also told me she has a drinking problem and when she drinks Jack or Hennessey she will just fuck anyone, in this case it was a drummer who was playing with his band at the River Watch Inn and she ended up fucking him in the back seat of his van. After she sees I’m not really responding to any of her stories she randomly tells me I am cute. I reply with a thank you, she tells me I’m cute about 3 more times within conversation of completely and unarguable mass of vulgarity (I really can’t share THOSE stories, they were WORSE than the ones I posted so far if you can believe that) she begins to leave the store and asks if I would give her a hug…I simply reply “No, I don’t touch people I do not know”. And she leaves the store. Oh and something else I forgot to mention was she was about 51 years old, completely overweight and her hands were monstrous. Now you may ask me, do I love working here?  Despite tonight’s ordeal that includes brain bleach I would still have to say; Yes, I definitely do. I also promise you this story is 100% true and accurate. I’d hate to have her as a Grandma. I’m just SO glad while she was grabbing her titties and vagina area I didn’t see anything!!!

-        ( M)

Crazy Phone Call Friday: Are You a Diner??

Are You a Diner??

It’s Crazy Phone Call Friday!!!! I love Crazy Phone Call Friday! Don’t you? This one actually happened this week.

I was reading my book like I do every afternoon while the store is quiet when the phone rang. After marking my spot and sliding the rolly chair over to the phone I pressed the “Talk” Button and said cheerfully into the receiver, “Hello, Love Lips?”

The woman’s thick Dundalk accent rang loudly into the earpiece making my ear drum protest, “WHO IS THIS??”

“You’ve reached Love Lips the Adult Store….Can I help you??” I said in a mildly irritated voice. There really was no reason to yell at me lady, YOU called ME!

She started talking to someone unknown in the background, “They gave me a sex store’s number, why would they give me THAT number?! I was trying to get a hold of the Boulevard Diner!”

How is this my fault? But to be nice I said, “I’m sorry ma’am we’re definitely not a diner”

“Why the fuck would they give me your number instead of the diner’s?! Is this 410-* * *- * * * *!? Cuz that’s the number they gave me!”

Wow…no need to get nasty, woman! “Yes that is our number for this store…I’m sorry ma’am that it’s wrong but it sadly happens often, I’m not sure why they sent you my number…”

“I still don’t understand!! Why would they give me an adult store’s number? I want the diner’s number!” I heard soft talking on the other side in response to her question; apparently she must’ve forgotten I was still on the phone? “Do YOU have the number for the diner?” She directed at me.

“No ma’am I do not, I’m sorry”

“What the fuck! This is ridiculous! Yeah OK, whatever” She hung up on me.

I’m sorry but I think I should’ve been the one to sat WTF to YOU because I was definitely not the issue. I posted this event in short hand on Facebook and a good friend of mine had a point, maybe they sent her my number because she needs to buy something to relax a little. LOL!

Illegal?

Illegal

This next story happened the same day and I’m still not quite sure what happened. All I know it was the Full Moon that night and I had noticed that certain Dunalkian’s only come out when the moon was full. As much as I love the different phases of the moon I really, really wish they’d just crawl back into whatever hole they choose to crawl out of each Full Moon. Why can’t it be like a fiction novel where on the full moon I have to deal with Werewolves and Vampires? Heck, I’d even take Zombies…Hmm…Well actually a random Zombie attack suck but sure why not! Just please no more creepy Dundalkian creatures that only come out when the moon is full.

It was probably closer to 12PM that afternoon and it had been a lazy sorta day. There were lots of fly by customers who walked around and looked and then left without buying anything. Those kinda customers are usually obnoxious with how they point and laugh at EVERYTHING but hey it was nice to see another body in the store other than mine. It gives the illusion we do a lot of business here. HA! Anyway, I was reading my book when the Love Lips jingle signaled someone had come inside. I marked my page and looked up and smiled at the young African American man that walked in with his girlfriend. “Good morning guys! Let me know if I can help—“

“Are you burnin’ incense?” he young man said and the look on his face was incredulous as he stared at me.

“Um…Yes, I am. Someone used to smoke in here and I like to cover that nasty smell with something that smells nice”

“Isn’t that illegal?” He moved close to the counter to stare at me like I was insane and his girlfriend looked around the lingerie section.

Um…? “No, it’s very legal….You can buy it at most stores and gas stations?” I said half as a statement and half as a question, why would incense be illegal??

“People ‘round my house used to only burn that stuff when they were smokin’ marijuana. They told me it was illegal….”

Seriously? “I think they meant the stuff they were smoking was illegal NOT the incense….” I smiled a thin smile; it was hard not to give him my own incredulous look.

“Oh wow! I thought it was the other way around cuz everyone around me had incense and marijuana and told me you should never burn incense without the other”

I think you may have sniffed too many fumes as a child but, sure! “Well I don’t use, sell, or have any marijuana because that is illegal to have. I only have incense cuz I like how it smells” I smiled as nicely as I could at him.

His girlfriend walked by into the toy section and said to him as she passed, “You stupid sometimes, I told you that a while ago” He followed her into the toy section and they bickered back and forth together and then eventually left after a few minutes of skimming through our products and looking over a few DVD’s. I was still completely floored by the idea that someone really actually thought incense was illegal.

Oh but it doesn’t end there, oh no. Not too long after the illegal incense guy the creepiest Dundalkian walked through the Love Lips door. I really have nothing against how people look especially when it’s a birth defect but no one can say that the first thought in your mind when you see someone who is slightly deformed isn’t “omg!” I felt sorry him but he at first startled me because he looked very similar to the Disney movie The Hunchback of Notre Dame’s Quasimodo. He had a hump on his back and the rest of him twisted slightly to the side his hump was on. His face was horizontally long and had buck teeth. After my initial rude thought I smiled at him and said, “Hi, let me know if I can help you with anything today”

He smiled crookedly back at me and hen his eyes fell on our store’s tiny blow up doll we named Sally. Sally was here way before I got here and at some point an old employee used confetti string we keep in the cases (to make the cases look pretty) and made Sally a sexy teddy lingerie outfit in blue and red colors. She was very patriotic looking and we hung her near the counter. I smiled at him and looked back at my open book not wanting to be rude and stare at him.

“You know this is illegal?”

Ah-what?? Not again! “What is?” I smiled at him curiously.

“Her clothes aren’t on….” He fixed the one string on Sally’s outfit so it covered his little cone shaped boob where the nipple would’ve been if she was alive.

“Yeah, an old employee made her that outfit, but I don’t think it’s illegal per say….” I mean how do you explain to someone that it’s not illegal or a blow up doll to show its little inflated chest? She didn’t even have nipples!

“Oh it’s illegal to show human body parts in public.” He said in a creepy ‘you should know better’ kind of voice.

It took a lot inside me not to argue the point it was a badly inflated bachelor party blow up doll and not a human being, not to mention this was a porn store! Naked boobs happen here! “Well if anyone else complains I’ll take her down” No one had complained about Sally, ever.

I don’t recall the rest of his visit as this story happened over a year ago. But I do remember that he stared at me a lot and I was trying not to be rude and stare back and also tried hard not to fidget from being looked at like I was a bug under a microscope. This gentleman came back every Full Moon (no joke) for 3 months and then just stopped coming around. He never said much to me after accusing me of pimping Sally’s goods to the world but that was one crazy full moon day full of many illegal things I should’ve known about apparently.

Crazy Phone Call Friday!!! Metal "Rings"

Metal “Rings”

Did you think I forgot what today is? It’s Crazy Phone Call Friday!!! I’m so happy that I’m back to updating this on a regular basis! *happy sigh* Alright, this story is about a man that used to call every single day asking the same question but I will tell you the first and longest conversation we had and it’s sad and gross end. What amazes me is he STILL calls occasionally, I guess hoping that someone else may answer the phone.

It was a normal Love Lips morning where I was enjoying my coffee and the quietness of the start of the day. As I was taking a sip of coffee the phone rang of course. So after swallowing my drink and cleared my throat I clicked the “Talk” button and held the phone to my ear and said as clearly and cheerfully as I could, “Hello, Love Lips?”

“H-Hi” The elderly sounding man on the other line said.

“What can I help you with?”

“Yeah, I wanted to know…how much are your rings?”

“As in rings for your fingers or cock rings?” I had never heard cock rings being called just “rings” before.

He annunciated and yelled into the phone, “PENIS rings”

No need to get diva-esque old guy! “Yes, we sell those, what kind were you looking for?”

“Do you have any metal rings?

“No, sadly we do not”

“Oh alright….What kind do you have?”

“We have silicone based on--“

“Those the stretchy ones?”

“Yes, we have silicone based ones ranging from $7.95 and up”

“Oh…Alright.”

“Do you have any other questions, sir?”

“Um…yeah…my friend wants a rabbit and I was thinking about getting her one, how much do those run?”

“Those range from $37.95 and up”

“Oh wow, that’s expensive”

“Yeah, they’re a bigger toy and do a lot more than normal toys”

~>This is the point I should’ve known what was going on but alas, this was before I was tainted with the knowledge of phone calls like this<~

“Can you explain what it does?”

“Sure, it’s a vibrator in the shape of a penis with a bullet attached to it for the clitoris so there is dual stimulation for the user. It’s a very popular toy with women”

“Wow, sounds like it. Hey hon, I do have another question.”

“Sure”

“I have a metal cock ring that I think is too small, is there anything I can do to help get it on?”

~> Now I got worried<~

“Um..I’d probably suggest using a slick lubrication but it sounds like you may just need a bigger one because you don’t want to hurt yourself.” Ick! Bad images, bad images!

“What about Vaseline would that be safe?”

“Um..I’m not sure, I’ve never heard anyone using it for that purpose so I’d read the container before you use it to make sure it’s safe for sexual organs”

“Oh ok…”

*~*Long Pause and a random person walks into the store at who I nod in acknowledgement*~*

“Sir? Was there anything else you needed?”

*There was a moan from his end*

“Excuse me, sir are you doin what I think you’re doing?”

*moan* “Ohh, I just slipped the ring on…”

I was shaking with rage at this point because now I understood why we had been talking for so long, “I don’t know who you think you’re talking to but this is a business and this phone call is inappropriate and disrespective to me DO NOT EVER CALL here again you pervert!”

I hung the phone up and apologized to the one lone person walking around looking nervous. The phone rang a few minutes after the person left and I was still in disbelief that phone call actually happened and I lost a customer because of it!

“Hello, Love Lips?”

The same older man’s voice said, “You hung up, are you upset?”

“Yes I hung up! How dare you disrespect me by masturbating over the phone! STOP CALLING!”

“I thought we were having a good time”

“Well you thought wrong! If you call back and harass me I will find a way to send the police after you!” I slammed the phone down.

What’s sad that he keeps calling asking about how much the “rings” are and how much rabbits are. Thankfully he hangs up after I give him the prices now but that phone call was beyond crazy.

Sexy is as Sexy Does & Pin-The-Tail-On-The--What??

I apologize once again for my blog going on ice as my girlfriend’s Dad fixed the computer. Being that I already have no internet access at home and to not having a computer that can connect to wifi at a local coffee shop, I must admit I was going quite insane. It has literally been ages since I updated this blog with one of my own stories and there is just so much to catch up on. So for the coming back story of the hour must be something that captivates and also charms you; the fellow reader back into checking this blog often for updates. So I hope my next story re-captivates you.

Sexy is as Sexy Does

Yesterday was a boring kinda day at Love Lips. Before 11:30 AM the only highlights of my morning was that one of my long-time customers came in and saved me from examining a weird residue on the glass door. He bought magazines and as I rang up his purchase we talked about the up-coming Comic-Con. We compared how Otakon and Comic-Con are kinda similar and spoke highly of the way people are able to duplicate costumes like the characters in the manga’s/comics. Then after he left I grudgingly went back outside to examine said residue. After trying to wipe it away with Windex and paper towels I realized whatever it was needed a blade taken to it because it was so stuck. So after walking back inside to retrieve the blade and seeing it had only been 15 minutes since I last looked at the clock I walked back outside and scraped what appeared to be glue from the shop door. I’m not sure why people think that just because we’re an Adult Store that means we deserve to be treated any less than the nail salon next to us. Grr! But back onto topic; it was slow. I was debating if I should open up my lap top and watch a movie when the stock came in. Hooray for something that will keep me occupied for at least 2 hours!! But stock only lasts so long before it’s all done. I was in the process of finishing up the last of the stock when the Love Lips jingle alerted me to someone coming in. YAY people!

“Hi! Let me know if I can help you with anything” I said from behind the fixture of bachelorette supplies.

“Hi there, I have a question for you” She said to my general direction.

I walked back around and set my remaining stock items back on the counter and faced her. “Yes ma’am?” She had to have been in her late 60’s. Her hair was dyed an unnatural black color with her blonde/grey roots showing and her saggy shirt and messy jeans was very casual and unkempt but hey, it’s Dundalk.

“I’m looking for sexy long lingerie.” She said as her eyes swept the area I was standing in with all the toys like it might bit her.

I walked closer to her and pointed back into the room she was standing in. “Well, lingerie is back in here and we only have few things that could be considered ‘long’, I can—“

She looked at me funny and said, “Oh no, I said BIG not LONG. The woman is a little on the bigger size”

Raised eyebrow I nodded and showed her the blue signs we have posted and said, “All the signs that say ‘Queen Size’ are for bigger woman and we might have something you like in that area”

“Oh OK, thank you” She said as she started to sort through the Queen Sized area. I let her look through it in peace as I put a few things behind the counter away to make room for her if she found anything. But I saw her practically jump away after looking trough both racks.

“Oh no, no, no. This is all too sexy! This is for a Grandma type of lady!”

Oh so Scandalous! Before I could answer her she said, “Like this!” She showed me a night gown made of satin and a see through over coat.

“Anything like that is right in that section” I showed her.

“Oh, good! This is a sexy party where there are gonna be Grandma’s and Great-Grandma’s!” She looked happy, I could almost hear the music playing behind me do a classical “Riiippp” and stop playing so the crickets could chirp. This party sounds scary…

“Well I don’t see what I’m looking for. My daughter said I should bring her a dildo from here as a joke but I think that’s disrespectful because she’s a Grandma but because it’s suppose to be a sexy party she thought it would be ok”

I really had no idea what to say so I just nodded and smiled.

“Well have a good day, sweetie”

“You too ma’am!” I said as cheerfully as I could.

I was glad I still had merchandise to put away after that so I didn’t have to think of what a “sexy” Grandma and Great-Grandma party would be like.

Pin-The-Tail-On-The-- What??

This happened sometime last week and it was a pretty busy day, I had a decent customer flow from the moment I got back from the bank and opened the store around 9:30AM until about 12PM. When I had a chance to, I had cleaned the front windows and glass doors so it didn’t have as many finger prints all over it. I was reading when I happened to look up and saw a very LARGE black man with a very equally tiny head staring in the window at me and looking all around. I noted sourly that he was putting big finger prints all over the newly cleaned window like 5 seconds after I had just cleaned them. I smiled sweetly at him when he turned to stare at me again and he walked way and was followed by another LARGE white man. Hm..that was weird….So going back to reading over a document I was working on in Microsoft Word I forgot about the staring guy until10 minutes later when I caught something in the corner of my eye. Mr. Large was back and staring inside again. I really have no idea why people don’t think it’s just better to walk inside once and look around than stand like a noob outside of an establishment and gawk. So if you ever wanted to know how any animal feels behind glass; just come stand in an Adult Store long enough and you’ll get the idea. With how many idiots stand outside and bang on the glass at me or just stare like zombies each day I should start charging a fee for taking up space outside my store. So once again I smiled at him and he walked off. But before I could focus on my document again the Love Lips jingle sounded and saw it was the Large white man.

“Hi how are you today?”

“Ok…” He said awkwardly. He looked around like something may jump out at him.

I noted he was wearing a stained black T-Shirt and his hair was cropped badly and he had a tattoo armband with roses around it. Due this weight I really couldn’t tell just how old he was but if I had to guess he was probably in his 40’s. “Just let me know if you have any questions, I’d be happy t answer then for you”

“Thanks” He said simply.

I watched him look at all the lingerie at the front of the store and then he stopped right in front of the Bachelor Party supplies. I was behind the counter straightening up when he said, “What is this?” He pointed to the “Pin the Boobs on the Babe” game.

“It’s kinda like pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey only it’s a picture of a girl and you have to pin her boobs on right. It’s for bachelor parties”

“That’s strange…” Before I could think of anything to say he continued, “Why would you play that game naked?”

I just blinked at his back. Ah-what?! “Well I don—“

“It’s weird that you would play that game naked…….with other people…..” He said in a dazed voice

Um…”Well…”

Ignoring me he walked into the rest of the store to look still muttering about why you would play a game naked with friends and before I could wrap my head around what he was insinuating the Love Lips jingle sounded. I turned happy to be relieved of trying to talk sense into him when I saw that the Large black man had come in.

“Hi, let me know if you have any questions or I can help you find anything”

He nodded and walked through the store to his friend. They talked a while and after looking around and going through most of the movies they left. I still didn’t understand why he thought the game needed to be played naked but to each their own right?

            I wish that was the only crazy thing of the day but a half hour before I was about to leave my shift a very high construction worker stumbled into the store. His outfit was coated in random residue and his eyes blood shot he was giggling and laughing at everything before I could even say hello.

When there was a pause in his giggling I said, “Um…Hi, let me know if I can help you find anything”

“Oh” He said in a “hey how you doin’?” kinda voice, “Alright sweet cakes. Mmmhmm Mmmhmm”

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and started to tidy things up around the counter so I could watch him carefully to make sure nothing got “stuck” to his fingers and left the store. I was praying this would be a quick look through so he’d leave fast because how he was acting kind worried me.

“Hey sweetheart I got a question fo’ ya!” He stumbled up to the counter and almost leaned all the way over the glass counter top.

“Yes sir?” I said backing up a little.

“It’s muh girl and my anniversary tomorra an’ I need some advice on what to get. Whatchu like in ‘ere, sweetie?”

I picked up one of the cheap bullets on the counter and said, “Well bullets are always fun”

“Yeah..But you kno’ bein’ together wit someone is hard when it’s been so long, ya kno?”

Oh God please don’t ask me out…Eve if I was straight the answer would be HELL NO! “Well that’s good you’ve been together so long” I smiled as nicely as I could.

“Ya! Ya kno I ne’r cheated once. NOT ONCE!” He spat on the counter in his rush to talk louder.

That’s when I realized that as he talked, no matter loud or quiet he was raining spit onto the counter. Oh God…So I really didn’t follow the rest of his long rant about how much he loves her but they just never have enough sex even though his goal is to please his woman.

“So honey, you got anything you can suggest? Oh wait! I kno! A Sex swing! You got those?” He said as he wavered in one place.

“We only have the door swing”

“Door swing?” He cackled, “Honey my woman’s a BIG woman, bigger than you”

I bristled, “Well it holds up to 300 lbs”

“Oh dam! Lemme see!”

I walked around and showed him the box ad retreated fast behind the counter again.

“Ya! I like dis! Ok, Ima get dis an Ima keep lookin’” I nodded at let him look around.

I was staring at the spit all over the counter debating if it was worth cleaning up when he came back to the counter and said, “What’s  dis?” He picked up a pen holder of a woman that when you put the pen inside what is suppose to be her vagina she moans and makes noise. I explained what it does and he laughed loud, “Lemme see dis!” I got a pen and opened it and showed him how it worked. He cackled more and said, “Ima get dat too!”

Then blessfully ( M ) came in and saved me from having to talk to him further. We got our shift swap together and ( M ) got to share a couple special moments with him further and when it came time to pay he had “forgotten his money at the glass place” and ran from the store swearing he was coming back later for the stuff he wanted.

            Let’s just say I was one happy girl to be getting off work at that moment and thankfully for ( M ) he didn’t come back like he said he was going to.

The Chronicles of ( M )

I’m baaaccckkk!!! I apologize to the followers I have on this blog that I haven’t been updating but due to a melted mother board in my girlfriend’s computer I have been helplessly without a working computer let alone with internet for a while now. But thanks to my girlfriend’s *wonderful* Father the moody computer is now fixed and up and running again! So much has happened since the last time I was able to update and I plan to catch you all up on it ASAP! But I wanted to dedicate this post to a fellow Love Lips employee who wishes to be called ( M ). I had told ( M ) that I had been posting the crazy stories in full detail of the crazy people I’ve encountered and he thought it was a great idea and wanted to know if I could make him a weekly appearance on here. Why not? He has some great stories also! Sometimes we talk after our shifts and share these interesting and weird stories. So now his stories as well as mine can be archived here which will add to the fun! He has pre-written these stories on Facebook Notes so I have copied and pasted them onto this blog. For grammar and spelling sake I have cleaned it up just a tad but it is 99% all of ( M )’s stories as he wrote them the day of each encounter. So today I present to you, the first entry of; The Chronicles of ( M )

Chronicles of ( M ); Part I

So we will call these ladies Brittney and Rosa. Brittney was barely over 18, and Rosa was about the same only she looked to be about 35. As these ladies walk around the store, I’m playing some music that was upbeat and non-depressing and as they shopped I can see them feelin’ it, so I let the music play on. But as they are looking around I’m listening to their conversation and they are attempting to act like professionals. Good thing to know we have professional 18yr olds having sex these days! Well, Rosa comes up to me and asks if we have the "liberator". I had never heard of this item so I asked her what it was and she told me it is a chair that changes positions for sex. We definitely don’t have anything like that so I told her I’d look it up and see where she can find it. As I’m looking it up on my computer she tells me they are $1,000.00 in China. Upon finding a match on the internet I said, “Well, I found one on the Liberator website for $400.00”.

She responds by saying matter-of-factly, "Well I’d rather do that cuz I ain’t driving to no China for a chair!"  

I just smile and say, “Your total is $43.30” all the while thinking; In Dundalk we live, and ask dumb questions they shall.

~ ( M )

Chronicles of ( M ); Part II

So yesterday I had a couple come in to our little shop of fantasy and this couple was very immediate, they knew exactly what they were looking for. They didn’t even pass the cash register, which is located in the front of the store; they just came right up to me on the other side of the counter to ask me about the item they wanted. The couples in question were a black couple bout 30-35yr old range. It’s not often people come to the counter knowing what they’re looking for let alone making light conversation. So needless to say they had my full attention as they said this was their first time in our store and that they were looking for China Shrink Cream. Now for those of you who just have no clue what this is; it’s a cream that is inserted into the vagina and causes the muscles to fill with blood and give the sexual partner the feeling that the person “wearing” the shrink cream is a virgin or has a tighter vagina. Now this seemed to be an ordinary sale, except the woman in this couple had an Adam’s apple. So…it makes you wonder what is the shrink cream for? 

~ ( M )