Saturday, March 19, 2011

Things About Your Friends

Good Afternoon my Porn Store Followers! I hope the time change isn’t affecting you guys as much as it’s affecting me. Boy am I sleepy! Yeesh! Anyway! As you know I’ve been going through old Face Book posts to find the posts that I wish I could have elaborated on and I found two charming little stories that happened around Christmas time. These are definitely stories with a moral; if you don’t want to know/see the real answers to your questions then don’t ask! The stories also teach this; you don’t know your friends as well as you thought you did. Let me explain….

It was a few weeks before Christmas and everyone and their brother was either buying joke gifts for family or sexual gifts for their husband/wife. This brought all sorts of questions and weird combinations of toys and games that people bought together. But I think the most puzzling question I’ve ever had happened sometime in those few weeks. I was moving things around in the store to take down empty pegs and rearranging the store when the door chime jingled and in walked a woman who looked like she just got off work at a toll booth on the highway, she was an older woman probably in her late 40’s early 50’s. She looked like she had a hard day and that she really wasn’t sure why she had come into a store like this but she was on a mission. She walked right past me with a gruff “hello” after I had greeted her with my usual schpeal. I assumed she knew what she was looking for because she went straight to the “bondage” section of the store and was looking over things. So I went back behind the counter to put away the pegs I had collected when she finally said “Oh hell, I don’t know what it would be called…let me get right to the point- do you have something like a dog muzzle for a man”

This was a curious way to describe it. I went back around the counter towards her saying; “We don’t have muzzles per-say but we have these” I showed her the various ball gags, bridal looking bits, fishhooks that open the mouth (but is hard to speak with in your mouth anyway), and the ball gag that has the big piece of leather that covers the entire mouth to keep the wearer from speaking period. I noticed that as I showed her these items her comfort level got more and more obviously uncomfortable.

Nose turned up she said, “I’m not looking for these, I’m looking for a dog muzzle for man!”

Now totally confused I looked at her with a careful expression because I could see she was becoming flustered. “I don’t understand” Hoping she would tell me something besides what she had been telling me.

Tisking her teeth with her tongue she said again like I wasn’t hearing her, “I want a muzzle made for a man” She said slower, like this was going to help.

I raised a skeptical eyebrow, not appreciating being treated like I was a slow person. “Well ma’am if you’re looking for a dog muzzle you’re going to need to look at Petsmart. As far as I know there is no such thing because a muzzle goes over an animal’s snout and humans don’t have snouts….The things I showed you are the only things to keep someone from speaking in an Adult Store.”

She sighed to herself seeing that I just wasn’t able to open her head and pull out the image she was looking for and said, “Ok…explain these to me one more time…”

Seeing she might just be confused and someone who can’t explain her thoughts easy I went over each item one more time, a little more slowly so she saw exactly how they fit into the mouth. During this she was covering up the woman in the image that was wearing a bra and granny looking panties and said something about how could someone pose for pictures like that? She kept trying to cover the women in other pictures as well and exclaiming that it was far too provocative! Not allowing her quiet comments hinder me in educating her in the difference of the products I continued and tried not to smile at her trying to not look at any boxes that had a scantily clad woman on it after seeing it was pointless trying to cover the boxes up, which I have to give her credit for trying but it is a pretty hard feat. I mean she WAS in a sex store…half naked women happen.

After I finished she said, “Ok…I wasn’t aware of how expensive some of these were…it was just supposed to be a joke for my sister’s husband….ya know? To quiet him from talking….he may never use it obviously” She was still flustered but now embarrassed. I kind of felt sorry for her despite her being rude to me.

Now understanding a little more I talked her into buying the $10.95 horse looking bridal bit because it was still animal oriented and could be looked at a joke in that sense, didn’t have a half naked woman on it, AND it wasn’t too much money. She left with what she was looking for (kind of) and mumbled more about not knowing why a sex store wouldn’t have a muzzle for dog only meant for a man. I’m now starting to wonder why too. That way I can put it on customers who annoy me.



The next story happened around the same time but for different reasons. It was a quieter day in the busy weeks we had been having and I was relaxing behind the counter reading a book when a younger woman walked into the store. She had to have been in her early 30’s and she walked straight up to the side of the counter. Upon seeing she was going to ask a question I tagged my book with a book mark and then smiled up at her. “Can I help you?”

“Maybe, I am looking for cheaper stuff for a friend who’s getting married. She is into that bondage stuff.”

Ha! That is an easy gift idea! I showed her all the bondage stuff we had like the hand cuffs, blind folds, whips, and kits for tying someone up. She was following my hand as I suggested these things and she said in a voice that was becoming more timid but confident “Um…I’m sure they have all these things”

Ok, well that kind of nicks any of the other ideas I had so I asked a rational question assuming with how confident she sounded with her last answer she might know, “What kind of bondage are they into?”

It was one of those “I wish I had a camera moments”. Her head snapped around violently I thought she might give herself whip-lash. Eyes bugged out she said; “Wha…What do you mean?”

Seeing I may have assumed too soon she had a good knowledge of her friends “habits” I tried to quickly fix the frightened look on her face. I explained that there is softcore bondage which is sometimes just like typing up, tickled with feathers, and possibly lightly whipped to hardcore bondage where (from what I hear) there are nipple clamps, hot wax, and more heavy whipping tools. I didn’t get fully into all the hardcore stuff because her eyes were already threatening to pop out of her skull as it was. I went around the counter and showed her a candle that melts into hot massage oil. It was $14.95 and as a uni-sex gift idea.

She looked at me skeptically and with a sassy eyebrow raised she said; “It gets hot?”
Bemused I said smiling sweetly; “It’s a candle, so yes it will get kinda hot, I mean they could blow the candle out and let it cool if they wanted before using”

“But wouldn’t that burn them???” This was starting to make me think of that hot coffee story at McDonalds a while back…OI!

Holding my smile firmly in place I said, “If they poured it without letting it cool yes it would kinda burn, but the point of some bondage is pain can be transformed into pleasure and it goes with that form of love-making”

She stared at the candle like it was going to start doing a dance and possibly answer the questions she didn’t want to ask me but then threw her hands up and walked away from the counter. “Ya know if I knew this was the kinda sh*t she was into I would’ve agreed to get her the other things on her list….and honestly if I knew more about what she was into I don’t think I’d be friends with her anymore.” She picked out some metal handcuffs and a blind fold and tossed them at me on the counter. After paying for them she left in a mood suited for a diva.

I blinked after she left and am grateful that the friends I have either don’t speak to me about sexual things or if they do, they don’t judge that harshly enough to break a friendship over something that doesn’t involve them. It’s a funny world isn’t it? So the moral of this story: If you have issues with types of sex don’t ask your friends what they like or do, you’re definitely NOT going to get the answer you want apparently.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Crazy Phone Call Friday (Sorry it's very late!)

Who knew that going back through Face Book Status’ would be such a pain in the arse? Well I guess it doesn’t help I am trying to re-find these stories via my phone which is proving to be harder than it should be. If I touch the screen wrong it sends me back to most recent which causes me to want to scream out loud! I had gotten all the way to February 14th and touched the wrong thing and it jumped back to the newest thing I did on my profile! Oh Face Book why must you be difficult for the phone user? I just keep reminding myself one day I’ll have internet I can carry with me and internet at home so I don’t need to sequester myself in a corner of Barnes and Nobles to post and write things all the while getting curious looks at the vibrant pink Gateway computer that belongs to my girlfriend who chose to stick Scooby Doo and SpongeBob Square Pants stickers all over it. So to the on looker it looks like I stole a teenager’s computer that got attacked by a particularly vicious 3 year old with a sticker fetish. ANYWAY! I am here to continue to update you with some older stories. My posts may be scarce here and there because I am still unearthing good stories when I have free wifi at cafĂ©’s to write about in between working and dealing with day-today life. I have a few in the works as I type this to you and I am remembering all the special things I have stored in an equally special corner of my mind. But never fear! I will be keeping my girlfriends lap top with me at the store so when something happens all I have to do is pull the lap top out and write the most recent story for you. Oh if every other day was a good story day, that would make this job that more awesome!
So as I went through some of my old entries on Face Book I noticed that for a while there I had one good (good as in crazy) phone call at least every two weeks in a month I thought I’d try to make this Friday’s post and possibly other Friday’s in the future…. Crazy Phone Call Friday!! I had almost forgotten just how crazy some of these phone conversations really are. I’m glad that my girlfriend was with me at Barnes and Nobles as I found them one by one (there are still more trust me!) because I was giggling to myself in a corner….If she wasn’t there I’d probably get stranger looks than I’m already getting for the lap top. But anyway! Since how a few of these conversations are short I’ll be sharing with you 3 conversations I found for the month of February and part of December….Let’s go back in time….
This story is about a woman who actually walked into the store, but it was such a short funny story I decided to add it to the Crazy Phone Call Friday segment just because it was entertaining. It was a quiet afternoon right after a particularly busy morning rush on various items despite our credit card machine being down for quite some time. This unfortunate headache was due to a combination of the weather and someone moving the cords around that connected to the phone line (I later found this out). It had been a crazy ordeal between me getting approval for tech work from the warehouse and Verizon but the worst part about this ordeal was getting both parties to understand how frustrating it was becoming for me, my employees, and customers. But despite the headache that month we had a giant flux of good sales regardless being only allowed to accept cash. I was pleased with how well we were doing that day for it only being the early afternoon so I was enjoying the quiet by reading a book when the Love Lips chime jingled and in strode a very confidant looking middle aged African American woman. I smiled at her in greeting and said “Hi how are you today? I just wanted to let you know our credit card machine is down so we can only take cash. I apologize.” I really hated to tell people this.
She froze mid step and looked at me with slightly wide eyes. I was a little taken aback by her dramatic reaction to my words. I was thinking “Great! I’m about to lose a customer due to not having a credit card machine…again!” Some people didn’t want to go next door to the liquor store to get cash; I didn’t blame them because it was downright inconvenient. But it was just always a little discouraging watching people turn right back out the door because we had no credit card machine. But her comment continued to throw me off.
“How did you know?” She said now with a big anxious smile on her face as she placed her hand on her hip. She looked like she had been caught red handed with her hand in the cookie jar. I blinked and smiled guessing she meant she only had a credit card on her and that meant she couldn’t buy anything, which sucked but was becoming a theme of the month.
“I’m just letting everyone know just in case they didn’t see the sign on the door” I smiled. It amazed me how many people neglected to see a bright orange neon sign that said our credit card machines were down so that meant we could only take cash. So I found it easier to tell them at the door so they didn’t pick out a bunch of things to buy only to find they have to put all the items back because they only had a credit card on them.
She considered my words and said flamboyantly as she swatted at what looked like an invisible gnat, “Oh well! I shouldn’t be in here anyway…..” She looked around the store at this point more wide eyed and curious than a cat considering a Christmas tree. She took a few steps forward from the door mat and with her eyes scanning everything she could possibly look at all at once she said half to herself and half to me as she moved through the lingerie, “I don’t know why I…came in here…I shouldn’t be in here…..I really shouldn’t be….in….here” She moved more into the store like a mystified snake to a snake handler flute song. I was curious to see what would happen when she reached the other side of our store. Just as I thought this she had reached the that point of getting close to passing the cage “wall” of lingerie and head straight into the part of the store with the toys and DVD’s. When her eyes fell on what laid beyond that little space she threw her hands up and exclaimed, “Ohhh no no no no no!!! God won’t forgive me if I go any further!!!” and with that she turned away from it and walk out the door as fast as possible saying over and over, “Oh God forgive me!” She managed to turn to me for a half a second before flying out the door to wish me a good day then proceeded to rush from the store saying some sort of prayer as she went. I am sorry to say I laughed at this afterwards not to mock her belief but because she was like a cat being told not to climb the Christmas tree but she tried to anyway and got caught by her owner and squirted with the corrective water bottle. Meow!
*~*~*
This next story is an actual phone conversation I had with a young man that I still can’t fathom. We’ve had all sorts of wrong phone calls. I’ve found no matter how long a pause after answering our phone before saying “Hello, Love Lips, Can I help you?” People still jump right into ordering a pizza, asking if we have baby/children’s clothes, or if we wanted their urine samples brought to the lab in the morning. When I have to politely explain to them who they actually reached they can hardly believe they reached Love Lips and stutter apologizes or just hang up after laughing. This can’t be helped, it happens at most businesses but this day was different and a very unnecessary long half-conversation because all he had to do was ask who he was speaking to. Let me elaborate…..
The phone rings and I turn the radio a bit lower just in case they person on the other end is a quiet talker. I pick up the phone and after pressing the “Talk” button I wait for half a heart beat before saying “Hello, Love Lips….Can I help you?”
The person on the other side is breathing kind of uneven. My face screws up in disgust because we HAVE had the “I’m going to call and jerk off to your voice” people so I say again, only this time a little more monotone and a sprinkle of annoyance, “Hello you’ve reached Love Lips?”
A young man answered finally through his weird breathing, “Hey...Can you talk?”
Now I haven’t posted the story about the “usual” we had for a while where he’d start the conversation off like this and it would just end badly so I said, “Did you have a question?” my voice no longer leaving the annoyance as a side effect.
“Yeah…Can you talk?”
My nose flared like an angry dragon and I continued to work on the payroll sheet I needed to as I ignored him. I hadn’t hung up the phone at this point because he kind of sounded familiar and I always worry about being tested by friends or even the warehouse to see what I’ll do in certain situations….Yeah I’m kinda paranoid sometimes…but it could happen!
“Hello, are you there?”
“Yes, who is this?!” I said angrily.
“It’s Jack, you OK?” He said kind of confused.
Now let me say this. I know two Jack’s, one being my brother and one being a co-worker. The person on the other line sounded like the Jack I work with so I sighed in relief. “Oh, hey Jack! I thought you were one of those creepy guys who call while jerking off, you scared me there for a minute” I laughed and then said, “What’s up?”
“Can you talk….or are you busy?” He said in a flat voice still breathing like he had just went for a jog.
My heart sank as I started to question this being the Jack I really knew. Thinking maybe Jack had gotten drunk the previous night and wanted to call out was crossing my mind but the intuition in me was saying this wasn’t my co-worker. But trying to play it safe just in case I said, “I’m workin’ Jack....is something wrong?”
“No, I just wanted to talk….Are you OK?”
Blinking I let the silence get awkward as I texted both Jack’s, my brother and my co-worker, now wondering if Jack might be drunk as we spoke and was pulling my leg.
“Hello? Are you there? Are you angry??”
I let another silence drag out before saying “Listen Jack I’m working, so I can’t talk right now.”
“Oh alright I’ll call back later then” After hanging up with him I got two texts from my brother Jack saying it wasn’t him who called. Well that was one possibility down.
Thankfully that awkward conversation ended and yes, he called back…….like 5 minutes later!
The phone rang and I answered, “Hello, Love Lips…Can I help you?”
“Can you talk….?”
My shoulders sagged in defeat as I said, “Jack I’m at work, and I can’t really talk!”
“Are you ok….you sound angry?”
Dude really wasn’t getting the whole “I’m working thing” so after a few more “Are you there? Hello’s? “Are you mad’s” I finally got so sick of trying to tell him I was busy or ignoring him I finally got a text from Jack the co-worker and he claimed the caller was definitely not him because he was working at his other job. Relieved it wasn’t anyone I knew I said in a voice that was filled with angry annoyance, “Who do you think you’re talking to?”
He stuttered and said in a tiny voice, “Excuse me?”
“Who-do-you-think-you-are-speaking-with?” I said it as clearly as I could.
“Melanie……..?” He squeaked.
PROBLEM SOLVED! You won the biggest idiot award!
“Dude, you got the wrong number I am not Melanie and this is a business called LOVE LIPS, not cell phone”
“Ohhhhhhh! ” He mumbled something else I didn’t catch before hanging up.
I really wanted to bang my head against the wall after that overly long conversation. I must’ve known unconsciously that I only kept that conversation going as long as I did because I’d be writing about it later on and it becoming part of the epic blog I am now writing.
*~*~*
This last story is another special phone call that I definitely can’t forget despite REALLY wanting to. This conversation also comes with a slight disclaimer; the conversation was sexual in nature but isn’t quite as bad as Numbing by #1 but I just wanted to throw that out there. So let me explain what I mean……..
It was probably around Christmas time this happened. We had been doing *awesome* sales and selling everything in the store like candy. I enjoyed when it got busy like this because there wasn’t ever a dull moment. I love being on my toes and talking with people. I never realized how many men want to do romantic things for their wives on Christmas, it warms the heart to know that there are still men out there that look to please their women after some of the clowns I talk to most of the time. But this was on a day that hadn’t quite kicked into high gear yet. I want to say it was pretty early in the morning because I was rearranging things, taking down empty pegs and moving the stock around so the store didn’t look as naked as it was becoming. I was lamenting about how wonderful it will be that our shipment was coming in only a day or two when the phone rang. I clicked on the green “Talk” button and said, “Hello, Love Lips….Can I help you?”
A gruff man’s voice answered, “Hi…yes you can, I have a kind of strange question”
As I’ve said many times, not much surprises me…I mean it’s a porn store so I said, “Don’t worry, I get all sorts of questions, what did ya need?”
“Do you sell ball gags?”
Really? That wasn’t weird; it’s a staple at every porn store! “Yes we do!” I said cheerfully.
“What kind do you have and how much?” He said in a more leveled tone seeing I didn’t think his question was obscene.
So I went over the various types we have. Everywhere from the “beginners” ball gag that isn’t as big as some I’ve seen to the one that is all leather and has a piece that covers the entire mouth. The prices ranged from $11.95 to $45.95. After I was finished I said, “If you want I can hold any you’re interested in if you want to come look at them for yourself”
“Which one would you use on someone?”
If there was music playing in the background it would have come to a ripping stop. My tolerance for the conversation lost all its pleasantness in the blink of an eye. All I could think was; Oh why….
“I’ve never used one so you’d have to come in and choose” I said in a dead monotone sounding voice, not wanting to sound upset or moved in anyway by his question.
“I’m not trying to be smart! I’m sorry, I just wanted to know”
“Ok, do you have any other questions today?” Thinking now I really wanted to get off the phone.
“One more question…Would you ever use one on someone and enjoy it….I’m not trying to be smart!”
Thinking; you’re failing miserably at that I said “No, do you have any professional questions left for me?”
“…Are you married?”
Now to the point of growling I said, “Not yet, but I am in a monogamous relationship, is there anything I can help you with, sir?”
“Well do you think you could pretend to not be in a monogamous relationship….I’m looking for someone to hire…..BUT I’m not trying to be smart!!”
If glaring could burn holes in souls I was accomplishing that task with flying colors. I’m glad no one was in the line of my laser eyes at this point. My voice was as crisp as lettuce as I said, “No I am NOT interested nor am I willing to consider anything else you’re going to ask or say”
Then he spoke like we had just had a normal civilized conversation and said, “Oh…alright, well thanks…” Click.
Have ya ever been so mad after a conversation you were shaking and teeth ere chattering? Yeah, that was one of those conversations. But thankfully they only happen now and then and they are not a daily occurrence.
Thanks all for bearing with my late update. I will try to update more often from now on and if I go missing for a day or two it’s because I have been having technical difficulties with the computer.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Numbed by #1

Good Rainey *Rainey* Evening my Stories from a Porn Store Followers!! So, this morning I went through some of my old Face Book entries looking for stories I wish I could have elaborated on. Now I have this wonderful blog spot to do so! Anyway, I stumbled upon a very unfortunate conversation I had that I have to share. Now, as unfortunate as the conversation turned out to be, it was highly entertaining afterwards. I must warn you this story is not for the faint of heart, it is sexual in content and I am not trying to offend or over step my blogging boundries. If you have an issue with sexual matters please read no further. But if you are comfortable with your sexuality and think you can handle it (because it is rather amusing) please read more.... 
Let me set the mood. It was Monday February 28th in the afternoon when I noticed a gentleman outside maybe in his late 30’s with dirty long hair, hillbilly looking, and kinda dirty looking in general pacing back and forth in front of one of the giant windows of Love Lips. He was on his phone yelling at someone and this being *classy* Dundalk I figured if he wasn’t blocking the doorway too much and didn’t seem to be scaring anyone he was OK with pacing around the giant brick pillar to the right of the store because it was far enough from the doors people could get in and out without problems. These pacing and random yelling phone calls went on for a good hour or so. Then after close to an hour he disappeared for about 10 minutes. I was thankful we only had a few people come in because he was a tad strange (obviously). But that was sadly my first mistake, thinking he had wandered back to whatever hole he crawled out of…..
The door chimes to Love Lips jingled and I looked up to greet the new comer only to see it was the greasy looking hillbilly that had been pacing like a caged tiger for over an hour walk through the door and right up to my counter. He looked around me anxiously like something shiny might pop out from behind me. So to fix this awkward silence I said, “Hi, can I help you?” I smiled a charming smile trying to get his wandering eyes away from the tattoos on my chest and thankfully it worked well. I got a semi-human awkward smile then he moved closer like he wanted to whisper something that only I could hear.
“Hey, I got a question for you….it’s kind of a weird question”
Hmm…A weird question for a sex store? Please! I’ve probably heard it all (I hope), so hoping this would be short and sweet so I decided to quiet the little hamster running over-drive in his brain by answering his request, “It’s ok, I’ve heard a lot in here, what’s your question?” Again I smiled, praying this wasn’t going to be a story that scarred me forever.
“Well I had a bad anal experience with that stuff Anal Ease….”
For those of you who do not know what Anal Ease is….Anal Ease is a numbing agent that is supposed to be applied on the outside of the anus and you are to let it sit for 10-15 minutes for it to kick in to the full effect, that way the recipient on the sexual advance wouldn’t feel as much pain during intercourse because let’s face it things are NOT suppose to go in that end only out. Ok enough bad visuals, back to the story……
“Ok….” I wasn’t quite sure where the question was to this comment so I continued to look at him with a questionable look on my face half hoping he’d elaborate half wishing it would end here.
“So I bought this stuff right. I put some on my girlfriend and was going to just slam it in there like a man should on a woman cuz you know it’s the man’s right to give it to a woman like that” He ws making unnecessary thrusting gestures at this point. I was also still waiting for a question but the agony continued, “Ya know? I was about to go to town BUT my mistake was I took a big handful of that stuff and put it all over my d*ck beforehand.”
Ding ding you won the prize, champ! Problem solved! Eyebrow raised I said gently (cuz we wouldn’t want to pop the masculine go), “Well it is a numbing agent and not a lubricant so that was probably not a good idea.” Not to mention real life isn’t like a porno so anal ease or not “slamming it in” would be a terrible idea and a painful one for anyone receiving it. A few choice words crossed my mind of what I thought of “what a man should do to a woman” but I kept those unsavory comments to myself because everyone in entitled to their own life styles. But as he looked at me kind of triumphantly for whatever reason I could see the hamster in his brain running full force causing smoke that I could see coming out of his ears.
“Well duh!” He said and I assumed he said that so he didn’t sound as idiotic as it actually sounded.
So I said again, hoping now there was a real question at this point because the way it was going I was just the “lucky” person to hear this unfortunate d*ck numbing story. “Was there a question?”
He ignored my question and continued to banter again about more things that happened, “But lemme tell you I couldn’t feel a da*m thing! Not a DA*M thing! I mean I was smackin’ it all around….HARD smacks…Smacks you could hear” Lucky me, he decided it was a good idea to demonstrate what it looked like smacking his peter as he made fake smacking skin on skin sounds. I wanted to scratch my eyes and ear drums out but I kept a stained smile of false humor as he looked at me for approval and then it went on, “I mean a smack that would bring any normal man to his knees but here I was just smackin it around feelin’ nothin’ at all!” I suddenly felt very sorry for his girlfriend and that this image would forever be burned into her brain cuz the idea was definitely now burned in mine.
“So was there a question?” I said in an equally strained voice that I had to clear my throat for before my voice cracked from wanting to just laugh and cry at the same time.
“So do you think Anal Ease would be a good idea to get again?” He said quietly as he leaned closer over the counter now anxious for my answer.
Studiously!? I smiled big and said, “Sure, just this time don’t use it as lube” He and I laughed together for a second before his phone rang.
He picked it up angrily and rolled his eyes at me and said “It’s my Mom again” He walked a few steps away and answered the phone.
I gratefully went back to looking over my phone and texted what just happened to my girlfriend and got to listen to him talk very rudely to his Mother.
“No Ma we’re not! So what?! Keep callin’ I’ll do it just to piss you off!” He hung up angrily and made a “tisk” noise with his teeth and tongue. “Crazy woman. My girlfriend and I aren’t married and she keeps calling hoping to stop us from having sex outside of marriage.”
My eyebrows shot up in disbelief and yet…relief. Really? Mommy was really desperate to keep you from breeding….She should get a medal….
He took my thoughtful raised eyebrow look as a look of sympathy for his situation because his next words were, “Yeah I know! Crazy b*tch!” He started to back towards the door as he ignored the phone call again from who I assumed was his Mother. “I mean if I wanna f**k my woman all night long I’m gonna f**k her good and if I have ta I’ll let her hear. Crazy bible thumper! I’m sure you understand those crazy religious people, huh?” I kind of just stared at him in disbelief and he nodded pretending I had agreed with him then without warning he waved his hand and said his goodbyes and left the store. My mouth slightly agape I watched him scurry away like a loose ferret away from the store. My head was spinning after he left and I realized there never was any question in his over elaborate story and demonstration….He just REALLY needed to share his unfortunate sexual experience with someone he hoped would understand and sympathize that he took a giant handful of a numbing gel and rubbed it on like lube. Oh well, I guess it’s a lesson everyone needs to learn at least once if you don’t believe the box warnings. Oh the joys of working at a Porn Store…..

P.S. As I wrote this story in the morning at Love Lips after my morning routine of making the store look pristine my STARING friend knocked on the window to make sure I saw him. We waved and smiled at one another like a good far away friend should. It’s so heartwarming and creeptastic because as he walked back from the liquor store I guess he forgot to STARE at me properly because I saw him walk back from passing the store to make a deliberate STARE, making sure I saw he was watching…..I can now officially continue with my day *sigh*

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

One More Story

This is a funny short story. I didn’t want my last post to be a frustrated/angry post because let’s face it; my goal is to make people laugh at the crazy things that happen at my job. I thought this would be a good one to end with for today. This one is about a man who thinks we have a sort of relationship I was unaware of. Dontcha hate when that happens?
On March 4rth I was minding my own business reading a story on Three Ring Blogs, a very amusing site full of funny things, when a man walked into my store. Upon looking away from the screen I realized it was the older hillbilly looking man that walks past my store everyday to get to the liquor store next to us. He is an older gentleman with a pot belly (probably from beer) a salt and pepper goatee and mustache with a mullet. He looks like he would fit into a bar gang or biker gang with no problem because of the way he dresses and is covered head to toe in tattoos. I usually see him walking by with another older woman (possibly his wife or girlfriend) but regardless if she’s with him or not he STARES at me as he passes. Now let me give you a visual. The front of Love Lips has a giant window to the right and two glass doors and then another giant window on the left before it ends and becomes another store. So there’s a lot of space he walks past as he stares at me with a blank expression every-single-day. I get STARED at when he walks TO the liquor store and FROM the liquor store. At first when I started working there I was a little creeped out and sometimes waved at him because he was looking at me so intently I wasn’t sure what to do. But eventually it was so often I just ignored him and went about my business. But today was different. He actually CAME INTO THE STORE! I was kind of surprised to say the least so I said;
“Helllloo, how are ya today?” Trying to acknowledge with my tone I knew who he was.
“Good, how about yourself, hunnie?” He looked at me in a curious way and moved closer to the counter I was behind.
“Pretty good, it’s been a quiet day” I smiled at him and he walked past where I was and moved down the counter.
“It’s really nice outside today, isn’t it?” He said a little thickly.
I really thought he was already drunk despite not being to the liquor store yet. But he was being nice so I answered him as I looked from my phone to him now and then. “Yeah, I wish it would stay nice”
“I’ve always wanted to tell ya, you have great ink. I’m a tattoo artist myself.”
I smiled, “Thank you” I didn’t know what to say about the tattoo artist part because he definitely wouldn’t be my first choice to put something so final on my skin no matter how nice he was. He just didn’t seem like he would have a steady hand after so much booze.
“Where did ya get it done?”
“American Tattoo. They have some talented men up there and Jim did the art on my hands”
“Yeah I know them” He stared off into the distance before saying, “I love the blue on the eyes on your hands…(I have the eye of Horus and the Eye of Ra on my hands) I really need that color blue for my tattoo work” He looked at my hands like he was WILLING the blue to leak out of my hands into a bottle just for him.
If I was cartoon my eyes would have been very tiny at this point being at a loss for words. “Um…well maybe the guys up there could help you find the color?” I looked at him with a hopeful smile. But to my bewilderment he was staring off into space again like someone had hit the “pause” button in his brain. I blinked and went back to looking at my phone and it was a good minute or two before the “play” button was hit and he said something else.
He was heading slowly to the door and before he left he said to me, “So what I really came in here for was to tell you that I’m gonna be goin’ away for a couple of days and I didn’t want you to think I got thrown in jail or nothin’” He smiled at me.
Totally thrown by the comment I smiled a pretty smile and nodded and after a seconds delay said, “Thank you, that’s good to know”
He seemed pleased with my response and left without a good-bye. I had no idea we were on that close that he thought I’d worry about him desperately if he was “missing for a few days”.  Who knows…..It’s a strange world out there….

March 09th
I was looking over the pick list (the inventory list to check in the items that were shipped to us from the warehouse) when I heard a loud knock on the window and low and behold my friend was back today! He nodded once and then STARED at me until the window ended….Ah….it’s good to know my STARING friend is back in my life, I didn’t know how to act without a creepy intense stare each and every day…

Story From Today 03/09/11

The story for what happened today is about a very special and frustrating conversation I had with a man. Before I continue I want to say: this story is NOT to insinuate a stereo-type on the African American culture and is NOT meant as a racist entry, I am merely blogging what happened and am not intending to offend anyone’s culture, habits, or views. This is strictly for entertainment purposes only based around an actual event I was a part of. With that said let me explain……
Wednesday….Oh, Lovely, lovely, Wednesday. Today was the day the warehouse shipped out the products I ordered on Monday to fill the store back up with the products we sold the previous week. I like Wednesday’s because that fills my morning/afternoon/early evening with something to do. Working at Love Lips is a very easy job and sadly a person could slowly lose IQ points from boredom when it is slow. There isn’t a lot they ask of us; Make the store look good and help customers is all we are required to do. But being hidden in the tiny corner of Dundalk we don’t get a whole lot of traffic flow so that gives me a lot of time to put the stock away and fill the store so it looks full again. It was a slow day today. I was having a good time with the few customers I had, the nice small talk and the idea I get to move things around. It was probably around 2-3 pm when I was stocking up the skinny girls lingerie section when the door chimed. I turned around to greet the customer when my ears were assaulted with a “mmmmMMmmm Hey baby. When’d they start hiring sexy chicks here?! MM!!” and with a look that would’ve blown my clothes off if I lived in a cartoon. Needless to say my feathers were ruffled by the un-necessary comment I said my hello kind of tartly and continued to put the boxed lingerie away. Now at my store the lingerie is separated from the toys and DVD’s by half a cage looking “wall” that holds Queen (Plus) Sized clothes. But I made sure I checked on him now and then to make sure I wasn’t giving him free reign over the store, which I would’ve done with anyone that was on the other side of where I was of course. He moved through the DVD and magazine section quickly and then came back towards me nodding his head and with a confident look like he was going to get somewhere other than out the door……without me. I smiled trying to hold my indignation back and then continued to work. I heard him move closer and this is when things went bad to worse.
“How you doin’ baby” He did that once over again which made me feel the need to hold onto my clothes tightly but I refrained from doing so.
“Alright” I said as I moved pegs around and added thigh-hi’s to the wall.
“What gotcha workin’ here? You must be into all this kinky stuff, huh?” He leaned on the counter as he watched me work.
“It’s a job” I said tersely hoping the convo wouldn’t go where I figured it was heading.
“Oh…a job…so what’s the craziest thing you’ve done?” He moved closer so he was in my peripheral line of sight.
I refused to answer that question and continued to work, now finding it hard to keep a bemused smile on my face.
He could see he wasn’t going to get an answer from me so he continued, “So do you have a boyfriend?”
“No.” I said curtly and walked away from him to get more pegs.
“Ahh…Alright then!” He seemed happy about this. “Cuz you know I get off at that bus stop…bus #4 all the time if you ever wanna…”
I cut him short as I picked up body stockings to hang up next, “Just because I don’t have a boyfriend does not mean I’m single” I was hoping this would end our nasty little conversation which I thought happened because there was a long pause until….
“I don’t understand what that means, can you explain, please?”
I looked at him for a brief moment seeing his brain might implode if I didn’t answer and who knew maybe if we talked long enough he’d buy something? (Wishful thinking gets you nowhere btw) “It means I’m gay.” I stabbed a body stocking on its peg with a little too much force.
“Oh…..” He paused.
Now, usually when I say I’m gay, which I am (sorry I forgot to mention), men back off respectfully and either leave or pay for whatever they are looking for and it ends peacefully because all they were looking for was a quick booty call. Not today!!
“So you don’t do anything with men?”
“Nope”
“ What’d a man do to you to make you gay?”
“Nothing, I’ve been with one good man but that doesn’t change the fact I’m gay.” How more honest can I get?
Still confused he pushed on. “You ever been with a black man before you were gay?”
“Nope”
“So can I take you to dinner, not to do anything just to talk?”
“No thank you.” My smile was becoming thin.
“No thank you??” He looked affronted.
I looked at him and nodded now smiling with more acidity than kindness, “Yes, I mean no thank you”. I turned around to finish putting things away.
“Well alright then…I mean I only come in these stores because I’m single and you know I wouldn’t need to if I wasn’t…..”
I ignored this jumble of words and moved to get more pegs realizing he was closer to the door…YAY!
“What God do you believe in?”
If I was a cartoon I would’ve fallen face first onto the floor. Really?? We’re going there?
“Many.” Was all I could think of to say…because let’s face it I’m pagan and in paganism we are allowed to worship multiple deities and I had been doing so since my early teens. (Again, sorry I forgot to mention this part about myself) This comment of course threw him for a loop. The look he got was priceless.
“What?” He said confused.
“I’m Pagan”
Just then the Universe granted me some sanity. A young Asian man and a pretty African American woman walked through the door. I was more than eager to move away from this conversation and wait on customers who would be buying things and wouldn’t be pestering me about personal things. Sadly neither of them spoke to me except to say hello back to my greeting. Though I moved my attention to the new comers to make sure they didn’t need help. But I realized the guy that had wasted 15 minutes of my time was still talking.
He stuttered, “Oh…we I guess that makes sense I mean….” I am sad to admit I drowned him out hoping against hope the two people that had walked in would need my attention. To my luck the Asian man DID need my help and as I went to help him I made sure my “friend” didn’t forget his lighter on his way out of the door. I am happy to report I don’t think I will ever see this guy again nor do I wish to.
Hopefully no one on here thinks I handled this situation too harshly but honestly I’m being told that I was too lenient and answered too many questions from my family LOL. But one thing I will say in my defense; every word that I said was true, none of it a lie. I don’t even like lying to strangers about who I am. I am a firm believer in being proud of who I am and what I believe in.

A Good Story from 2010

Ok I think the best story to start with is The Chicken Box Man. Oh yes, I said Chicken Box Man. Before I explain; this story is NOT to insinuate a stereo-type on the African American culture and is NOT meant as a racist entry, I am merely blogging what happened and am not intending to offend anyone’s culture, habits, or views. This is strictly for entertainment purposes only based around an actual event I was a part of. With that said let me explain……
It was probably a Thursday or Friday afternoon. I remember thinking my shift was almost up and I could go home and relax when the Love Lips door chime jingled and a young African American couple came through the door. Upon saying hello and asked how their day was I noted that the young woman was probably in her early 30’s possibly late 20’s. The young man that was with her was around the same age. He was decked out in all kinds of bling and had the famed gold teeth. They looked painful to talk with as he said hello back to me. I watched their progress around the store as I checked things on my phone periodically, watching them but giving them some privacy as they looked around. I remember he got really excited with some of the porn selection we had and he made obscene jokes and teased the young woman he was with. This didn’t surprise me at all because it happened often. Bad jokes and puns I had become accustomed to hearing, I mean how can you not joke? It’s a porn store for goodness sake! So anyway, I continued to watch them periodically. Eventually after a short while the young man asked me if we had porno on VHS. I pointed to where the rather large selection at the time was and that they were $2.00 each. After I made sure he saw where the VHS tapes were I heard him dialing on his cell phone and this is how the conversation went:
“Hey man, you gotta come over here to the Porn Store” He paused listening to the person on the other line for a minute before continuing, “Yeah they got VHS tapes. Yeah really, like the VCR tapes.” Another long pause as he looked over one of the tapes, “$2.00. Ok.” He shut his cell phone.
I was lamenting in my head how amazed people are that our store sells VHS tapes. I wasn’t surprised because the corporation had started in the late ‘80’s and I was told that they were still trying to get rid of them after all this time. The warehouse was full of them still and was desperately trying to get rid of them. It also was amusing that a few still had the original prices on them and they were oober expensive. But before I could go further with that the train of thought the door chimed again and an older African American gentleman walked through the door. I said my hello’s but was ignored as the man passed the cash register. I noted that he was curious looking because his face was covered in giant cyst looking bumps all over his face. I felt kind of sorry for him until he opened his mouth and then I could hardly believe what was said and happened after.
“What are you talkin’ about?” He said gruffly as he walked up to the younger man.
“They have VHS tapes, look” The younger man held out a VHS tape to the older man.
“Man, I can’t believe you made me come in here just for this sh*t” He looked angry but nonetheless walked closer to look at the other VHS tapes.
“Sorry, I thought you’d want to see cuz I know how you like to watch those old tapes” The younger man looked amused despite his friend yelling at him.
The young woman was looking at toys with the young man while the older man looked through the tapes. He finally found 2 tapes and brought them to the front counter. I rang them through and it came to $4.00 all together. I told the older man the price and that’s when things hit the fan and it was hard to keep a straight face.
“FOUR dollars?!?!?” He yelled at me.
I blinked and looked at the screen to make sure I hadn’t made any errors then back over to him. “Yes, they’re $2 each….”
“Then why’s it FOUR dollars?!”
I raised my eyebrow and said again as calmly as I could, “They are $2 EACH and together they’re $4”
He looked at me angrily and then (thankfully) the young woman said in my defense. “Dad, they’re $2 a piece and added together they’re $4”
He looked at her as she spoke then looked down at the VHS tapes like they had called him a bad name. “Oh hell no! I ain’t pay’n no $4 for two VHS tapes! I can get a chicken box AND hooker for $4!!!!” He continued to rant as he put one of the VHS tapes away his back turned to us.
I could NOT believe he just said that! I mean seriously?! I looked at him trying not to jaw drop on the counter. But I kept my mouth shut as the young woman started to yell just as loudly back at him.
“Dad that’s nasty! No hooker is $4 and if she was she’d be da*n nasty and filled with STD’S! Besides where would you find a hooker for $4!?”
“Da city, don’t you act like you don’t know!” He said moodily as he put the VHS tape down.
He was walking back to the counter at this point as they bickered back and forth about whether or not the hooker for $4 would have STD’s or not as he paid for his 1 VHS tape. I was trying not to laugh at this point because the argument was heated and they both were dead serious with one another. They literally fought their sides of the argument right out of the store. No one heard my “Have a nice day!” nor did they care. Apparently fighting about a chicken box and a hooker for $4 was more important……who knew?

Welcome!

You may wonder what in the world is with the title of this blog....well it's just what it looks like. The things that will be posted from here after are TRUE stories from my job at Love Lips, an Adult "Novelty" Store. What kind of things will I be posting? Nothing boring if that's what you think! This will be every entertaining, infuriating, and priceless thing you could only hope for from someone working at a Porn Store. But be gentle with me and bear with me as I catch you up to date of all the insane stories I have! This is my first ever blog and I have been told by various friends on Face Book this blog NEEDED to happen because there just isn't enough room for details on that thing. For the safety of the corporation I work for and for the personal safety of me and the people I write about all names are changed for the protection of all. But everything I write here is what actually happened in the time I have been working for Love Lips. I hope you all enjoy all the stories as much as I have!! Let the games begin!!!
*~*Sireana*~*