Friday, September 30, 2011

Play Boy Bunny?

Sadly, I had no good Crazy Phone Calls this week but I do have a story for you from last week.


Play Boy Bunny?

Sometimes I post stories on Face Book and forget to elaborate on them here on this blog. This story was one of them. It was last week sometime when I had just opened, last week seemed to be back-to-back people and I loved that I was finally having a decent work day full of customers. He was one of my first customers and I actually wasn’t expecting him to be blog worthy. But people in Dundalk like to keep you guessing whose nuts and who’s not. I was getting the paper work for the day together when the Love Lips jingle chimed and in walked a man in his late 20’s, bald, fit and muscular. I at least thought he looked buff but upon further inspection something was little off. His upper chest muscles were super puffy and the lower part of his torso was kind of flabby, I couldn’t quite figure out why he looked so disproportionate. I caught myself staring at him as he walked over to the men’s lingerie and later I realized trying to figure out what was wrong ended up being a mistake. Shaking off the fact I couldn’t figure out what was wrong I said, “If I can help you with anything, let me know” Staring to figure out what was wrong with his body was mistake # 1.
“Yeah, do you have this in an XL?” He pulled a Play Boy Bunny long sleeved shirt out to show me.
“Sadly that’s all we have, we don’t have a stock room so everything that is out is what we have” I said with an apologetic smile.
“Aww, OK....what size is the mannequin’s shirt?” We have an upper body mannequin that sits low on the floor. He’s a headless mannequin I have named Chuck. My heart sank, I found out the hard way getting clothes off Chuck is difficult because his arms only move straight upwards and the body is sculpted to be buff looking so getting a shirt off is hard. Chuck’s arms also don’t move correctly, one arm doesn’t like to stay up in the air and he copped a feel that one day. We had words. So I got up and walked round to check the tag on Chuck’s shirt. “It’s a Large, too. Sorry” I was happy I didn’t have to disrobe Chuck again, I’m sure he was sad he wouldn’t have an excuse to touch my boob again but he’ll live.
“Well, let me try on the Large and I’ll see if it fits. What colors do you like better?”
Ugh, I don’t care…I looked at the black and red Play Boy Bunny shirt he had in one hand and in the other he held a grey and blue Play Boy Bunny shirt. “Red? I’ve always liked red” Mistake # 2.
He gave me a funny look and said, “Ok, red. Should I just try it on here?”
“Um...we have a dressing room in the back?” I wasn’t sure if he was going to keep his shirt on to try it on. Besides it looked like it was going to be too small, the poor people outside didn’t need to see that.
He took the red and black one in the back to try it on. I moved into the toy section to rearrange some things as he walked back into the dressing rooms. I realized after moving a few items he was looking at me half like he thought I was spying on him or going to walk back with him. I busied myself to make sure I was clearly stating silently I was NOT looking at him. He then came out a few seconds later stuffed into the Play Boy Bunny shirt. “It’s too tight, isn’t it?”
I couldn’t lie, it was way too tight. It just accented how disproportionate his upper body was. “Yeah, it is. I’ll E-Mail the warehouse to see if we can get bigger sizes” Without warning he whipped the shirt off and I quickly faced the toys again so I thankfully didn’t see anything. I really didn’t want to see him shirtless but I apparently had given the impression I wanted to. I felt him linger for a few heart beats before he went back into the dressing room. I’m glad he didn’t touch me or move closer to me because then I’d be blogging from jail.
He came back out a few minutes later dressed, “So you’ll know if you can get bigger sizes in, when?”

“If you call us tomorrow I can have an answer for you” I said as I typed the E-Mail to the person in charge of the lingerie section.
“Nah, thanks though” He kept looking at me waiting to see if I was going to say anything else but then after a pause he said, “Alright, have a great night”
“You too” I was very glad to be free of his sweet smelling cologne.
Why do men think if you’re nice to them you’re hitting on them? I really don’t get it. Have a great weekend everyone!!!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Buy Something Special for Your Man

Buy Something Special for Your Man

This happened around Valentine’s Day earlier this year and I still remember it like it was the other day because of the ridiculousness of it all. It was a cold day and the snow was still melting outside (we had some insane snow this past winter in Baltimore) when the Love Lips jingle sounded I was surprised we had a customer. Due to bad weather that never seemed to end I was glad to see two younger women walk into the store. But my happiness to see another human being quickly faded. The feminine African American woman who was extremely petite and was wrapped in a wool coat, mittens, and scarf smiled over at me with a big white smile. My expression hardened. Despite every sign on every door and even bigger signs hanging on the pillars outside that say NO SOLICITERS, we managed to have them everywhere from Christmas time until now. People who want to sell their stolen merchandise or sell product from whatever cooperation they worked for.
“Hi there” She said cheerfully, unfazed by my stony look.
“Hello, if you have any questions about anything in the store let me know”
“Well maybe I can help you” She said in a sing-song voice. The other African American woman with her was equally as petite but dressed more butch and seemed to be with her for the ride, she wasn’t the seller by any means.
“No thank you.” I said tartly.
“Aww come on! I’m selling perfume and cologne kits for 19% off the original marked price and I also have 100% Egyptian cotton sheets in every size you can think of, perfect for the Valentine season coming up!” She wiggled her eyebrows at me.
I really wanted to do nothing more than to smack the smug smile off her face, she was making it very clear she was going to be pushy and I hate pushy sellers. “No thank you” Besides why would I buy something from her? I work in a Sex Toy Store!
“You know you want to buy your man the top selling cologne, it smells very yummy”
“No-Thank-You”
“Aww come on, you gotta buy him something, dontcha?”
“Not anything you’re selling” I usually don’t correct people when they assume I’m straight because I don’t want to be harassed.
“It’s only 19.95! It really is a steal! I promise you he’ll love it”
If glares could burn holes in souls, my glare was it and I didn’t hold back and finally her smile wavered, “Oook…We’re just going to look around a minute”
Thank you for FINALLY getting my point, you idiot! I watched them carefully as the two of them walked close to one another and I saw a few quick touches that really screamed “Lesbians!” But being a lesbian myself I wasn’t going to say anything. I let them look and finally after a couple of minutes the feminine girl brought up hand cuffs and a blind fold. “Is that gonna be all for you?”
“Yeah unless you wanna buy your boyfriend a perfume kit in exchange for this stuff” She winked at me.
I glared at her again and finally said, “I don’t have a boyfriend, I’m a lesbian so stop asking me to buy something for a man” I rang her up and told her the total. I was happy to see she was gaping at me like I had 4 heads that did circus tricks from my response, her partner snorted in the background. Sadly though, that didn’t stop her next comment as she paid me.
“Well we do have lovely smelling perfume for your special lady”
AAUGGHH!! “No. I’m not interested. My girlfriend isn’t into smelly-girly things like that”
“What about the bed—“
“NO!” I finally said in a raised voice, “Thank you, have a nice afternoon, ladies!”
Thankfully they got the hint and left but not after getting a scathing look from the seller as she left.

Monday, September 26, 2011

HELP ME!!!

HELP ME!!

Boy did I ever need help this afternoon. I swear I wish sometimes we were like a normal retail store with more than one person working. I mean I know we’re too slow for that but this afternoon I think I was allowed to day dream about working with someone else. It was a SLOW day, only 2 customers since 9AM and it was already about 1:40. Compared to last week, it was just plain depressing with how slow it was. I was actually typing up another story that will be posted tomorrow when I noticed the sun in the window was being blocked by a figure in the window. I looked up from my typing and there was a man staring at me in between two hanging mannequins in the window. I jumped a little from surprise. I sadly knew this man; he came into the store last week, briefly to ask me who I was because he had never seen me before. He always dressed like he might be homeless and his beard and his clothes screamed he was unkempt. After a few seconds of just looking at each other, me silently praying he didn’t come into the store, he waved lazily and walked away from the window quickly. I was musing on how I hadn’t seen my original staring guy for some months now when the door opened and the Love Lips jingle sounded. I closed the lap top and looked up. To my disappointment the man at the window had stumbled slightly through the door. “Hey” He said gruffly.
“Hello, how are you doin’ today?” I said, hoping this was going to be an equally as sort visit from him.
“Shitty” He said gruffly.
“I’m sorry” I said truthfully, I mean everyone’s had one of those days.
“Thank you, I found out two days ago my old lady was cheatin’ on me” He said as he settled himself in a comfortable standing position facing me while leaning on the glass counter.
“Oh…wow I’m sorry” I mean what do you say to something like that to someone you don’t really actually know?
“Well she’s not old, but she’s not a lady either…” He muttered to himself and stared off into space.
I smiled; I didn’t know what else to do.
He looked at me, “You have a beautiful smile”
“Thank you”
“You’re welcome” He smiled at me, “You got a boyfriend?”
I tried not to say ‘yes’ too quickly so I didn’t sound insincere. I mean I wasn’t being sincere because my ‘boyfriend’ is actually a woman but he didn’t need to know that. Even if I was straight and single there’d be NO WAY in Hell I would’ve been interested anyway. “Yes I do”
“Aww too bad…” He said with a crooked smile. “I mean that’s good but too bad”
I smiled again, it’s not the best defense but like I said before, what else would I say?
“I don’t know what I’m going to do. I mean I don’t need her but I need a girlfriend. I mean I don’t need a girlfriend but I want a girlfriend….you know what I mean? I just don’t know what I’m going to do now”
“You’ll be ok, you just gotta put one foot in front of the other. It’ll get better over time…”
“I know but I’m an alcoholic, you know that right? I’m already three sheets to the wind”
My insistent smile wavered. “Well that won’t help…”
“I know but I’m just so depressed I don’t know what else to do!” He cried in agony.
I looked down, I really had no idea what to say or do.
“You Ok?” He said curiously and with a worried tone.
“Yeah I’m fine!” I smiled brightly. I felt like Sookie Stackhouse with the smiling thing.
“You’re not depressed are you?”
“Nope” I wish you’d go home and sleep it off tho!
“That’s good. Really good. You know if you told me you’d have a great day it’d make my day better”
“Well, I’m sure I’m going to have a great day” My day will be better when you leave. SMILE!
He smiled back at me dreamily, “Good….real good. I promise I’m not trouble at all or nothin’ But do you mind?” He pulled a vodka bottle out and took a swig of it.
I was growing more uncomfortable and wondering if I should call someone, but he broke my train of thought.
“You OK?”
“Yes” I smiled again and made sure to look at him to show him I was OK, he looked like he was getting ready to leave by the way he kept staring at the door and taking slow steps towards it.
That’s when 98 Rock played Chevelle’s “Send the Pain Bellow” song and he held his hands out like he was catching his balance. “Oh after this song I’ll leave…” I LOVE the rock band Chevelle….but not today. He stood there swaying to the music and he would sing a few words here and there and that’s when he started to CRY. At first I thought he was fucking around with me, trying to get me to touch his hand or something. But no, he was really crying. I looked around helplessly, trying desperately not to laugh, not from being rude but because I had no idea what to do. It was also funny because I was thinking this morning I am running out of stories so I was going to have to brave the new Face Book and dig for old ones. But then I had this guy come in. The Universe works in strange ways and tends to have a sense of humor like this, I kind of felt like it was saying, “You asked for it” when I was wishing for something interesting to happen today. So while trying to keep a straight face I looked at him a few times I couldn’t tell if he was making himself cry or not because I could’ve sworn I saw him peek through squinted eyes to check to see if I was looking at him cry. But there were real tears and real snot as well (Yuck). That was the longest 4:12 minutes of my life and I was wondering if I could handle listening to that song again after this. I handed him a paper towel. “Sorry we don’t have tissues…”
“It’s OK, bless you…bless you” I blinked but continued to look down as he blew his nose.
I tried to gently hint it was time for him to go home now. “You be safe going home, OK?”
“You know, I believe in God, I pray every day and He still puts me through this shit”
Oh no were going onto religion now. I wasn’t going to say anything on this subject, this topic never ended well for anyone and he was drunker than a skunk.
“I know, I know” He nodded like I was chastising him silently, “I’ll just keep on prayin’ every day to Him and hopefully it’ll get better…”
“Prayer is good, it will get better, just give it time” I said softly, I really did feel bad for him but was very much done with his stay.
He crossed himself and closed his eyes and bowed his head like I was a statue of a Saint. He folded his hands in prayer and said solemnly to me, “Bless you…”
I nodded, “Be safe going home, ok?”
“Yeah yeah…” As he started to leave Nine Inch Nails “Closer” came on and he stopped mid-stride. “Is this NIN?”
“Yeah…” Ugh…
He walked back to the counter to lean and sing the new song disjointedly. I started to ignore him flat out so he’d get the idea; I was giving him a few more minutes before I called someone. Halfway through the song he said, “OK I gotta go or else I’m gonna pass out”
“Be safe!” I said happily.
“Thanks…you too hunnie….” He smiled sadly and left the store and started to sing the line “Help Me” from the song “Closer” and then once the door was closing he screamed “HELP ME!” and kept screaming that as he walked towards the auto shop nearby.
All I could do was laugh because that had to be one of the craziest things I have dealt with, and as you’ve read I’ve seen and heard a lot. I’m glad the day is over.

Friday, September 23, 2011

CPCF- Allergies?

CPCF- Allergies?

Its Friday once again and because of Face Book’s new set up I wasn’t sure I’d have a good Phone Call Story but low and behold I got a phone call this afternoon that is CPCF worthy! The Universe always provides, thank goodness! Sadly it was a shot conversation but annoying enough to be on this blog.
It has been raining all morning and afternoon in stinky Dundalk. I hadn’t slept well last night so my enthusiasm and stupid-tolerance was super low, but it had been a busy afternoon and I was glad that our little Dundalk store seemed to be picking up more traffic flow this week. During some of the down time the phone rang. I clicked the ‘Talk’ button and said, “Love Lips, how can I help you?” The voice that answered me sounded muffled and super quiet. So I said a little louder into the receiver, “Hello, Love Lips?”
“Hiya there, how are you?” His broken, soft, muffled voice said on the other end.
“I’m sorry I can barely hear you” I said, I hate that our phones suck.
“I said Hi, how are you?” He said a tiny bit louder.
“I’m OK, how are you?” I said a little confused.
“I said, Hi, how are YOU?” He said again.
“I said I was Ok, can I help you??” I’m now starting to think he’s one of the usual jerk-off-as-you-talk guys so my semi-cheerful voice drops to monotone.
“I have______allergy” he said, and the bad connection between our phones lost some of what he said.
“Sir, I really can’t hear you, what did you say??” I say much louder, I was now thinking maybe he thought he was calling a doctor’s office.
“I said I have a really bad allergy!” He said in a slightly louder (not really much louder) voice.
I blinked and the Love Lips jiggle signaled a customer. “Sir, did you have a question for me?”
“Oh…who’s this?” Oh not you!
“I said did you have a question for me?”
“I…just wanted to talk…sorry for…….” He hung up the phone slowly, so he apparently was using a non-cordless phone, I never thought I’d hear that noise again, everyone has cordless nowadays.

I don’t know why men think women who work at Porn Stores want to have phone sex. One day I’m going to ask one of these men why they call and why they think we’d be interested in it. Have a safe rainy night everyone!!

Chronicles of (M): Part VII

Chronicles of (M): Part VII

Spank Me Holly, Fuck Me Frank
LOL Sorry the title basically says it all and leaves nothing to the imagination but I feel like explaining the story to you anyway because it is definitely worth reading. So, this just happened last week, I had about 6 customers in the store while this happened, which just adds to the icing on the story. This guy and his girlfriend are looking into buying a whip, which is no big deal, until Frank starts spanking Holly with this whip. Now normally most of us that work at Love Lips are used to couples testing it out and then stop after one or two test whips. But Frank is whipping Holly hard and I mean hard.  I actually turned my music down for this to make sure no one was getting really hurt. But sadly it just got awkward after that because Holly and Frank are now basically performing clothed foreplay all throughout the store; the other customers were literally walking away when they came near. So, this awkward foreplay continues I begin to think they are drunk or high. Their eyes weren’t red but they were both very twitchy. After watching them for a while I saw that Holly is new to the stripping (“dancer”) world as she doesn’t know we give discount to strippers on clothing. I wasn’t completely sure that’s what she did so I didn’t wanna assume so I left that out when I rang them up. While she’s up at the front paying for the stuff they’re buying she keeps talking about her boss at work and that he’s gonna want her to wear these certain clothes and especially on Halloween. To me she already looks like a black crack-head ghost of Christmas, I wasn’t sure how much more scary she could make herself look. Thankfully they did buy tings and with real money because most awkward people like this make a scene then leave. Ultimately they bought a whip and 2 outfits. To everyone’s disgust they continue their sexually-on-slaught until they got to their car. I literally watched Frank and Holly on opposite sides of their car and trip on the parking curb in front of their car at the same time. Hopefully that trip jarred them enough to rattle some sense into them both.....but it’s doubtful
- (M) Out-

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Have You Ever Seen a Real Hooker?

Have You Ever Seen a Real Hooker?

These stories are also from last year around the time I first started. Now to fill you in I have never lived in an area where it was full of white trash people with questionable occupations before. I’ve been bless fully sheltered in that department up until now. I have never talked or really ever seen a real hooker before except on TV and because it’s TV they’re attractive young women…real life is SO much scarier. But since I’ve started working here I’ve had my share fair of meeting hookers on a one-on-one basis. It’s kind of special and I really do feel bad for some of these women. But who am I to judge their choice when I know nothing about them? All I know is sometimes it makes a great story.
The first time I realized hookers would come into an Adult Store was an interesting one. It was early morning and I was still getting used to the flow of the Dundalk store, I had worked at one of the sister stores as an employee before I got moved here to Dundalk to manage the whole store. The Love Lips jingle sounded and I looked up to see a very rough around the edges looking late 20’s Latina woman with horribly dyed black hair, bright red lip stick and horribly drawn on black lip liner. She was wearing a too small leather jacket that came halfway up her pot belly that was over hanging on top of skin tight yoga pants. The jacket kinda hid most of the short frilly black top that sadly didn’t cover her ponch either. Her eyebrows were painted on with some kind of eye liner but it was crooked and uneven. I noticed something was wrong besides her outfit when she limped over to the panties on the wall. Before I could ask if she was OK I realized her high heel was broken and she was still walking on it. “If I can help you ma’am, let me know” I wasn’t sure if she was drunk or high or both.
She turned to look at me with her badly make-uped face and smiled a nasty toothed smile. “Thanks, hon” She then tottered around on her broken heel s she looked t all the outfits, explaining at how expensive they were. She kept muttering to herself as she made her way into the toy section and picked up a cheap bullet. She then went back to the lingerie section and got herself a skimpy thong and tossed them on the counter. “You got any of that anal ease stuff?”
“Yes ma’am” I was still unaware of what her occupation was because I’ve seen Dundalk’s finest looking this bad and that’s just normal. I rang her up and told her the total. She handed over a credit card and I saw that the name on the card was a man’s. “Sorry hon, I can’t take this without the owner of the card here”
“What? Are you serious?”
“Yeah, it’s not signed and I doubt you’re name is Walter, I need him to come in here to verify and also to sign for the purchase” I was sad I was going to lose a sale because by the looks of it she was very upset.
“Oh, for Christ sake! Hold on…” She tottered out of the store and I watched her go across the parking lot to an old beat up pick-up truck. I was debating if I should just put it away or actually wait when the Love Lips jingle sounded and Ms. America was back with the owner of the card who was a 90 year old man.
“Sorry, sir I need to see your ID and then I need you to sign this for me”
He muttered under his breath about this being ridiculous as he showed me his ID. I ran the credit card and waited for it to process when I saw Ms. America rubbing her hands all over his old wrinkly hillbilly-self and said, “Baby can I have something to make me horny?”
“No” He said gruffly.
“Aww but baby I need it, you know to get me goin’, baby….” She pet his face like he was a cat.
I thought I was going to vomit. I handed him the slip to sign.
“Come on baby, before we leave, please? I just need somethin’ to get me goin’, you know…baby” She cooed at him.
“That’s why I bought you all this stuff, woman. Besides I already signed. Now come on!” He said angrily as he stormed out of the store with the merchandise.
“Wait for me baby! Baby, come back!” She tottered quickly after him.
I have never felt so dirty in all my life, it finally clicked that I just witnessed my first hooker in 25 years.
The next time I was damned sure I knew I was dealing with hookers was when two women came in Love Lips together with an African American man. I remember I saw a very butch looking woman with long brown hair walk into the store followed by a blonde woman around the same age, both in the early 30’s/late 20’s range. I thought they were all friends who were just bored, that happens more often than you’d imagine. So I said, “Good Afternoon guys, let me know if I can help you with anything”
“Alright, thanks” The butcher looking woman said.
They all wandered the lingerie section together and I noticed the man kept touching them both intimately. I then started to wonder if they were a polyamorous group. But I left them alone and they picked out the cheapest outfits they could and then made their way to the toys. They ended up coming to the front with a double dildo and a few other toys and I rang them up and told them the total.
“Damn, you girls gotta put something back; I ain’t spending this much on you two”
I said noting as they put a few things back, and I overheard the African American man and the blonde chick whispering, “So you two are gonna fuck first and then I’m gonna choose who I want first.”
“For two of us, the price doubles”
That’s when I realized they were hookers. I also tried hard not to pay attention after that. The butcher looking woman has come in more times, always with a different man and a different woman. I don’t know why I ever thought I’d never see a hooker in a place like Love Lips, but I have been corrected!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Sometimes There Are No Words

Sometimes There Are No Words

That’s right; sometimes not even I know what to label a title because what just happened to me this afternoon really has no words. I was actually kinda worried I was going to run out of things to write about on here soon, but the Universe provides and never disappoints. This afternoon was a weird one and I sadly will never forget it either. We were kind of busy with waves of customers throughout the day. My shipment from the warehouse finally went back to being on Wednesday so I was happy to be moving more than I usually do while I work here at Love Lips. I had just finished up with the order and was taking a moment to myself while it was quiet when the Love Lips jingle signaled someone coming in. I saw a greasy looking man with brown/grey hair pulled into a ponytail peek his head in the doorway. He looked like he was wearing the tank top and pants he had on for a while now. Then behind him an equally unkempt woman looked around him into the store. She had a bob cut but had styled it so it puffed out at the sides and it looked like she might be a natural red head….with no teeth.
“Come on” She said clearly to him as she moved inside. I hate to be rude but I was surprised she spoke so clearly without top and bottom teeth.
“Hello guys, let me know if I can help you with anything” I said cheerfully.
“We’re just killin’ some time” She said with a toothless smile.
“We haven’t been in here in ages” He said as he itched under his shirt at his side.
“Well if you have questions let me know”
“Oh this stuff is great” She picked up a Wet (brand name) pillow that was flavored Tropical Fruit. “Have you ever used these?” She asked me.
“Nope” I really hate when people ask me that.
“Oh girl you don’t know what you’re missin’!” She said with a slight head bob.
“What?” He said as he sauntered over to her.
“These” She picked up the same pillow to show him, “I’ve used these and these” she said pointing to the head job pillow, “They’re so good”
“Hmm…” He walked back into the toy section.
“Ya know I’d have so many more toys if my Mom didn’t live at home. I mean I’m only 27, I should have a closet full of toys right?” She said with a weird laugh and toothless smile.
I smiled back not really sure how to respond, she did NOT look 27 she looked closer to 50. It’s scary how some people who are so young look so much older because of the things they must’ve gone through as young children.
“Come’re n look at these” The man said gruffly.
She walked over to the toy section and they both spent some time over there but when they went out of my line of vision I stood up and started to re-arrange things closer to where I could see them.
“We’re just lookin’” She said to me.
I smiled, I figured as much but that doesn’t mean I can trust anyone in this area.
She looked over at me, “We’re just lookin’, and you can come over here and look with us if you want”
I didn’t respond because I wasn’t sure if that was a polite insult or she meant it, but either way I really didn’t want to get too close to them just in case they may be contagious.
They walked back over to the counter still talking amongst themselves and then she picked up the tester power bullet, “Tester? What is it?”
“It’s a vibrator” I said in response.
“It’s so small” She looked at it questionably.
“It’s for the clitoris” You’d be surprised how many people are surprised that you can use something for that part of the female body.
She giggled and the guy she was with said, “We don’t really need any of this stuff anyway” He said matter-of-factly.
“Yup” She said with a giggle.
“Her vibrator is right here” I wish I could take it back now, but that’s when I looked up, hoping he wasn’t going to be whipping out a vibrator in his pocket but to my horror it was so much worse than that. He moved closer and lifted his shirt. The spot he had itched earlier on his side he revealed to be a small rectangular device UNDER his skin. I was silently horrified. At first I thought maybe he and a pacemaker but those are usually over the heart, right? I had no idea what the hell that was and if it was actually used as a vibrator why would they decide to put it under is skin and not to mention, why was it on his side?! O-M-G!!!! This had to be one of the GROSSEST things I have ever seen in my life!!!!!
“You wanna feel it?” He said with a weird look on his face, his shirt still lifted.
“No thanks” I said as evenly as I could. I really felt ill.
“It’s not gross” She said with a concerned face as she looked at me. I looked away not wanting to be a part of this conversation anymore. “Seriously, it’s not gross” She said a little more angrily.
“Come on let’s go” he said and they both left muttering to themselves.
I was thankful when they left and I now kind of wish I had asked what the hell it was but am also kind of glad I didn’t ask because I’m sure I really really didn’t want to know what it was……

Monday, September 19, 2011

Best Whipped too Much?

Best Whipped too Much?

Now, before I type this I want you all to know I can’t vouch for much knowledge in this department so if I say anything that is inaccurate, don’t attack me with random comments please. It is common knowledge between people that really know me that I have never smoked anything but cigarettes, which was when I was in High School and I literally took one puff and then I coughed up my left lung. So I have never understood the type of people who enjoy being high or “buzzed”. However, the fact I don’t understand this concept doesn’t mean I judge someone’s freedom to be not in the present because you’d rather enjoy watching pink elephants dance in front of you naked, too each their own. But anyway, so after knowing this about me, the only department in my store I have no idea about anything is the “Tobacco” Pipes and other things of that nature. So, with that being said let me get to the story at hand.
It was a steady night of business for me at Love Lips. I was working the nightly 2pm to 10pm shift and I was already bored and it was only 3pm. I was starting t wonder if the traffic flow was ever going to pick up when I heard the roar of a very old muscle car pulling up to the parking lot. I looked out my window to see a very old and very beat up mustang with chunks of its black paint chipped off in various places. There were two younger people in the car talking and I noted the pinky fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view window. After I figured they were two women going to the liquor store or nail salon so I looked back at my book only to be surprised when the Love Lips jingle sounded as the door opened. Putting my book down I looked up and saw a very anorexic young woman with greasy blonde/brown hair pulled back haphazardly into a loose bun. She was wearing a tank top with green and white stripes and a jean mini skirt that was frayed around the edges. “Hi how are you?”
“Wonderful, yourself?” She said brightly.
“Doin’ pretty good today, can I get you anything specific, hon?”
“Yeah I’m actually here to get a box of Best Whip’s” Now for those of you who don’t know what “Best Whip” are…They are small 3”-4” bullet-looking canister filled with nitrogen made to go inside whipped cream bottles, it’s what helps push the cream out. But some people find other uses for them….like sniffing the nitro to get a high.
“Do you want to get two because you’ll get $5 off on top of the 10% you’ll get today because it’s Tuesday”
“Yeah, yeah I know you save money for getting two but you know I never get to use them too often. But I didn’t know it was 10% off every Tuesday” She said brightly still.
“Yeah Tuesday is good time to buy things that are more expensive” I pulled one box of 25 count Best Whip off the shelf and rang it up.
“You know I’m not afraid to admit that I love these things, I like getting high. I’m not ashamed! These things give you just the right amount of high and isn’t dangerous like ______ (I can’t remember what she called it, it was a weird word but it was something you sniffed apparently like the Best Whip) those things can kill you, no joke!”
“Wow, that’s not good” I said kind of lamely, I had no idea what she was talking about, so I busied myself getting her a bag and printing her receipt.
“Yeah it’s dangerous. You’d probably know what I was talking about if you were just a head shop. OMG did you know that if you call those”, she pointed to the water pipes in the case, “‘bongs’ you can get kicked out of a head shop? I totally forgot one time and they told me to leave! It was crazy”
“Wow, I didn’t know they were that strict, but it makes sense. It can’t be easy to have a shop like that when it’s so controversial.”
“Yeah….I don’t do that stuff but I love to get high!” She paused as I handed her the receipt. “So does that mean I get a free gift?”
Love Lips higher up’s came up with the idea that to get rid of unwanted ancient toys from back in the 60’s-80’s that are adult geared was to give them to the stores to give away as free gifts. Since how they are horribly dumb and not amusing at all I wrap them up in brown paper and write “Free Gift” on it so people actually take them away. I don’t know what people are expecting but I’ve had complaints and people wanting to give them back. Free doesn’t always mean awesome stuff. But anyway I said, “Yup, pick whatever you want”
“Ohh cool! I love the free gifts!”
That’s the first time I’ve heard that. I watched her pick through the boxes and shake a few of them.
“Do you know what they are?”
“Nope, they come packaged like that” I lie, it is the only lie I say on a regular basis so people don’t bug me to tell them what’s inside, if I did they’d never go anywhere.
“Oh look this one is kinda opened” I groan inside waiting for the usual WTF reaction to the gifts but, “Horny…Monkey…?” She opened the wrapping paper more and saw it’s a monkey key chain that if you poke it, it gets an erection. “OMG That’s so cute!”
I guess that line “someone’s junk is another man’s treasure” is true.
“This is great! SO cute! I remember I got a coffee mug last time, and a toy where if you push a button his pants fall down. All of them have been hysterical and awesome!”
I could almost hear the crickets chirping, no one has ever gotten this excited about Love Lips free gifts, ever.
“Alrighty-Thanks baby” She picked up her bag and left quickly.
“Have a good night hon” I smile as she waves and leaves the store.
*~*2 hours later*~*
I hear the same roar of a beat up mustang and I see the same anorexic girl step out and rush inside Love Lips, “You’re back! Welcome back” I smiled as I stood up.
“Shame on me! Shame, shame on me”
I just blinked at her reaction, that’s really all I had time to do before she spoke again. I did however notice she had a purple tint to her fingers and it looked like she had growing bruises around her collar bone. It was questionable but not my place to ask or think too much on it.
“I knew I should gotten more than one, can you get me two more Best Whips, please?”
“Alright” I said with a smile as I retrieved the two boxes of 25 count Best Whips and rang them up with her $5 off and the 10% off.
“Shame on me. Shame on me” She kept saying with her head bowed like she was praying to someone unseen. Then after she finished repeating the same thing a few times she unfolded wadded up money from her pocket. It looked like she had a party of people chip in money because various bills were crumpled apart from one another. She evened out the bills and handed me the change first. When I went to pick up the bills for the total she snatched the rest of the wadded up cash near by like I was thinking about stealing it. She gave me a funny look them broke into a weird smile and said, “Shame on me.”
I finished giving her the change back and her receipt, “Have a nice night”
She smiled dreamily at me and said, “Thanks again baby!” and she swept from the store her bag in hand again.
*~*~*Next day at 10 in the morning*~*~*
“Hey it’s me again!”
I noted she was still wearing the same clothes, I was wondering if she owned any other clothes. I was too early for my sleepy brain to really register more than that. The coffee hadn’t kicked in yet.
“I need another box” She giggled a little sheepishly.
“Ok” I said as I got down another box for her and rang it up.
“I didn’t go home like I thought I was going to last night, I hung out with friends all night and when I got home my boyfriend was like ‘where’s the Best Whips?’ and I had used the others with friends so I was sent out to get another box” She gave me a ‘you know how it is’ kinda look.
“Oh…yeah that’s not good” I really don’t know what to say to her, I’ve never had this problem before.
“I swear I’ve spent so much money on these things, I’ve never spent this much before” She said as she paid, “This is like box 4-5 isn’t it?”
I count in my head, “4 boxes”
She rolled her eyes and laughed still giving me that ‘knowing’ smile, like I have to have done this before too.
I was way to sleepy to really say anything but, “Well be safe getting home”, as I handed her another receipt.
“Thanks baby!” She left the store once again.
So the moral of this story is for all the Nitro-Sniffers, you never seem to ever have enough, just buy two 50 counts and call it a night. She’s not the only one who’s come back multiple times because she didn’t want to spend ‘too much’. If you come back 3-4 times for more, you still spend the same amount of money it just means you get to see my face more than you want.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

CPCF- 911 What's Your Emergancy? Ignorance.

CPCF- 911 What’s Your Emergency? Ignorance.

Good Afternoon My Fellow Followers! How is everyone doing this fine evening? Today is the beloved Crazy Phone Call Friday and do I have a good one for you.
It was one of those days I had to close the store due to a call out. If I have a good book and a steady flow of customers I don’t mind working a 13 hour shift. This night was an OK night. I want to say it was a pretty eventful night and I was looking forward to going home. My fiancée had stopped by with Chipotle for dinner and we ate together since how it was 9pm. I had only one customer after 9 and around 9:56 I heard yelling outside. Surprised anyone was outside making so much noise I looked out the window to see what looked to be 4 teenage boys on bikes and skate boards. I rolled my eyes at my fiancée and started my usual closing procedures until I heard banging on the front window. I looked up and saw a blond hair boy leering at us. He then said in the most annoying voice he could from outside the door, “Is that a BOY?!”
I looked at my partner’s face and knew she was trying to keep her calm. She is 6’1”
 tall and has smaller breasts and is often mistaken for her height and skinny frame for a boy. She was wearing her vet tech scrubs and they happened to be pink tonight. I said softly to her, “Ignore them, they’re just being obnoxious on purpose”
She nodded at me but we both could hear the blond kid outside say “OMG ITS A FAGGOT! HEY FAGGOT!”
I hate the word “faggot” it’s so degrading and I knew they were doing this on purpose but I was watching my partners face turn red from anger. “Just ignore it, lock the door baby”
She didn’t move for a couple of seconds and walked to the door and locked it with a scary look out the window at the boys who had retreated a bit. But once she walked back over to the counter and I started to count money we heard more perverse cat calls which I tried hard to ignore over my own growing anger. There were more thumps on the glass and I was starting to wonder if I would need to call the police because they started to jiggle the locked door. I yelled from the counter, “YOU ALL BETTER CLEAR OUT OR I WILL CALL THE POLICE!”
They made faces at me and while I wrapped up my nightly count of the drawer I heard a particularly loud banging and when I looked up I saw a pasty white ass on the front glass. I felt like a cauldron that had boiled over. I mean who raises these ingrates?! Hands shaking from rage I picked up the phone and dialed 911.
“Oh shit! She’s callin’ the cops!!” They cleared out real fast, like the rabid rodents they were so I hung up the phone after it rang once. Only when my partner looked at me and said, “Did you really call them?” did I figure we’d wait to make sure the police didn’t call back. But like the good police they are I got a phone call after 3 seconds.
“Hello, Love Lips?”
A gruff male voice responded, “This is 911, someone just dialed this number and hung up, is there an emergency?"
"No, I apologize. I called cuz there was a boy with his ass cheeks on my glass window, I was worried we were gonna have an issue"
*~*Silence*~*
The male voice sounded like he was quite confused and a little amused as he said, "Alllrrigghhty! Have a good night!"
“Thank you and good night”
My partner and I left a little bit later after checking to make sure the rabid rodents were really gone and after seeing no rodents we left and I locked up for the night. The sad part about these special individuals is that they really have no life. On the Monday after this happened I saw a weird residue on one of the glass doors. Upon trying to clean the butt print and sticky looking stuff off I realized it appeared to be glue on the door. It took a good 15 minutes with arm grease and a small blade to get it all off. What happened? Our friendly neighborhood rabid rodents put UPS stickers on our door and all over the Bills Carpet Fair windows. Oh Dundalk, you raise the “finest” pieces of work on this side of Maryland. Oy…to the vey…

Chronicles of (M): Part VI

Chronicles of (M): Part VI

Poison the YELL!
So in this wondrous city I halfway reside in, what keeps me interested is when the customers decide that of all random people they would like to vent and confide in, I am their confidant. This one is a 2 part story because it can only be told in two parts for you to fully follow what I’m trying to explain to you. So this customer, we will call him Sir Stanley who I’m pretty sure is homeless yet loves his Scream-o/Death Rock. Well he comes in, he never buys anything but he means absolutely no harm and just wants someone to talk to. Most of his stories are about how he’s looked down upon when it comes to normal society. So Sir Stanley’s drunk this day, but again he means no harm and as he talks about his usual gripe with society we somehow get to talking about music. Now me personally if you go by stereotypes, you would look at me and think I’m the Rocker type (only by stereotype). So he was talking about the band "Poison the Well", talking about how they were one of the first bands to get Scream-o/Emo/Death Metal that tends to be mainstream. Well he decides to sing to me "nerdy" by Poison the Well. Now yes, I know the song and I can definitely appreciate the song but only when it’s sung by someone who has a talent at singing. Sadly, Sir Stanley cannot sing for shit, but he starts this Scream-o growling type of thing. To anyone else you’d think he was having some sort of seizure. So I sit with an appreciative smile on my face for the 2min and 36 seconds he’s screaming lyrics to me. Afterwards, he gives me a life speech about the mistakes he’s made in life and telling me that at the age of 27 he should not have made the mistakes he’s made. This topic swiftly moves to the bands he’s met. This man jumps topic to topic so fast I could hardly keep up, not to mention he definitely was slurring his words, I could almost tell for sure that the gin was hitting him, now after all this I wonder...does he even remember this happening?
-         (M)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Bestiality?

Bestiality?

That’s right…bestiality. For those of you who don’t know what it is; bestiality is a type of porn where a human(s) are filmed having sex with any kind of animal. Why do I know this? I was informed by my perverted friends who were porn conasuors and pop up’s on web sites. You’d be surprised what you can find on the internet even when you’re NOT looking at porn. Why did I choose this topic you ask? I’ve had a few people in my span of 1 ½ years working at Love Lips ask me if we sold that type of porn or brought up the subject. Whenever it happens to be brought up however, those individuals talk about having sex with animals like it is totally normal and were affronted by my distaste. So I thought I’d share my stories with you. Yes it’s a weird topic but I promise you this doesn’t go into gory detail, thank God!

It was back when I first started working or Love Lips and the store had just undergone a massive product movement and I was trying to pick up after the mess the warehouse “muscle” left behind for me when the Love Lips jingle signaled someone coming into the store. I walked around a box full of bullets and said cheerfully, “Hello, let me know if I can help you find anything, we’re re-modeling and I’d be happy to find something for you if you are looking for something specific.”
The man was dressed in Muslim style clothes and appeared to be Eastern. His accent also confirmed my guess he was Muslim, “I am looking for a specific type of movie”
“Alright, what are ya looking for?” I said as I set down a peg with a toy attached to it.
“I am looking for best-alty.”
“I’m sorry?” I’m usually good at deciphering thick accents of all kinds but his accent was a lot thicker when he used certain words and I had no idea at first with what he was trying to say to me.
He tried to repeat it a few more times then he said semi-angrily, “Do you have any videos where a woman is having sex with animals?”
Oohh that kind of best-ality…”No sir we don’t, I want to say that type of video is illegal to sell in a store”
“Why would it be illegal?!” He spat at me in a very aggressive tone. “You can find it all over the internet!”
“I’m sorry sir but I have never seen a movie like that come in and I know you can find anything on the internet but that doesn’t mean its legal”
“Can’t you order tings?”
“Yes, but I don’t get to choose what kind of movies I get in, I can ask but I can’t guarantee we sell any type of movies like that.”
“Call now”
“The warehouse is closed right now but I can E-mail them and they’ll get back to me in the morning” I said, my patience’s wearing thin.
“Fine” He said again like I was some sort of annoying gnat in his face.
“Can I have your number so I can call you with the answer, tomorrow?”
“Absolutely not! I’ll call you!” He swept from the room with an air of defiance and anger.
I did E-mail the warehouse and got a response in the morning that it IS illegal to sell porn DVD’s that show bestiality and that he’ll just have to keep finding that type on line, but he never called.

The next time it was brought up was actually part of a previous story that I forgot to add in. The African American woman who had the 65 year old boyfriend in  Do You Have Batteries and Pacifiers?-A Post-Irene Story was one of those types of women who jumped from one topic to the next and it was hard to follow her train of thought and it was also hard to remember everything she said because she was in the store for over an hour. But I remembered as I typed the beginning of the story that she too had seen and liked bestiality. This was sometime around when she was explaining how her 65 year old man was hard to keep up. BUT she had gone to a bachelorette party….
“I went to a bachelorette party with both men and woman and of course we were all naked”
That must’ve been some kind of party….I tried hard to keep my face neutral as she rambled on about this strange bachelorette party.
“The guy that was selling things had the BIGGEST dick I have EVER seen, I swear to you, no joke it came down halfway against his thigh and it was still soft! Brother had it goin’ on! I mean damn! We all were going up to him asking if it was real and grabbin’ at it to see if it was fake. It was totally real! I swear if I didn’t have a uterus I’d totally tap that! Cuz you know that when they’re that big it goes straight into your uterus and Nu-uh am I gonna get knocked up. So I told that brotha I’d call him when I get it removed! HA-HA!”
I really didn’t know what to say so I just smiled.
“After I saw that I guess I understand why women have sex with horses and stuff, it was niiiccceee”
I’m glad I wasn’t drinking anything, I might’ve choked.
“I mean I’ve seen the porn video’s on line where the women are home video taped having sex with their dogs. I mean some of these dogs are trained to know when their owner wants to have sex. Wouldn’t that be great? Makes me wanna get my own dog HAHA-HA!”
Yeah….she was a special cookie…You can see the rest of her special monologues in the Do You Have Batteries and Pacifiers?-A Post-Irene Story in my previous posts.

The only other time I was asked about bestiality was quite recent and it still boggles my mind with what some people find arousing. It was a slower day at Love Lips and I was putting merchandise away that came in when the Love Lips door jingled and I set what I was checking in down to smile up at the new comer, “Hello! If I can help you with anything, let me know!”
“Thanks” A short balding man said. His hair was thinning in that typical over comb and his hair was dyed black which never looks good on anyone. Besides wearing a smart sweater jacket and nice dress pants he had put so much cologne on I could smell him from a good distance. Thankfully for my poor nose it wasn’t completely unpleasant it was just over powering. Why do people think if they pour perfume or cologne on so heavily that means they’ll attract someone? I think it scares people away cuz it’s hard to breathe around them! But that could just be me. Anyway! He was looking through the “Kinky” section when he finally spoke, “Do you have any bestiality films?”
I blinked with my eyebrow raised, “No sir, those are illegal”
“Why can you find them on line then?”
“I’m sure you can find all sorts of porn on line but that doesn’t make it legal”
“Oh I guess you’re right…” He gave me a weird look and then made his way towards the front door, “Alright, have a nice day” He kept staring at me as he left and after walking out the door e stared for a couple more seconds before getting into his car.
Apparently I had said the wrong thing? I’m not sure about you but I love my animals like they are family but I do NOT love my animals inappropriately. I’m not sure why people think it is something normal and OK….but that could just be me!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Silly Lesbians

Silly Lesbians

You may be wondering from the title what the hell I’m talking about, let me explain a little before I tell two stories about this subject. As I’ve stated a few times I am a Queen Sized lesbian woman. Now when you say ‘lesbian’ most people’s mind shoot to someone who looks like a feminine man aka a butch lesbian. I am in fact quite girly and not an “obvious” lesbian so many people that first meet me assume that I’m a straight woman. I never liked or understood why some gay women feel the need to get a rainbow tattoo that symbolizes to the world that they were lesbians- I mean who cares if you’re gay or straight? But after working in this lovely shop of toys I now understand that sometimes it’s a little frustrating to be categorized in a specific “type” due to how you dress and look, but that doesn’t mean this lesbian is running to the tattoo shop to get a rainbow bunny on my arm but I can now see why some might choose to have the tattoo. I want to be clear however; I have anything against heterosexuality it just is sometimes hard to be looked at like I’m just not getting “any” because I don’t know how a vibrating cock ring feels or certain gels that are used to give a man a blow jobs from personal experience. I just don’t know some of these answers because I’m not straight and I wish it was safe for me to just tell people that I’m not sure because I’m a lesbian but since how I work alone and work in Dundalk I choose who I say that to wisely because I don’t need to be harassed anymore than I already am. Now you understand where I’m coming from I can continue with the story. My lovely little store is not a big lesbian-gay store so when I do encounter lesbians (as a couple or just one) I am usually treated special by them. Why? I’m not sure, I have a feeling they think that I’m a straight girl who has never seen or interacted with a “real” lesbian and they try hard to scare me or make me feel squeamish. But in reality? I keep them guessing.
It was a late afternoon and it was one of those painfully slow type days where I had only 3-4 customers total from 9am to almost 4pm so when the Love Lips jingle sounded the arrival of someone knew I about flew out of my chair, starved for human interaction. I said in a very cheerful voice, “Welcome to Love Lips, let me know if I can help you find anything!”
The woman that had walked into the store was a butch lesbian (no question). It took me a second to realize she was a woman because her chest was pushed down to look semi-flat and her hair was cut in a short boy cut and she was in her late 40’s. She had the typical man walk to her step and smirked at me like I was going to be fun to mess with. Oh boy I thought I had a feeling I knew what she was going to do but I kept the friendly smile on my face.
“So sweetie, I have a question”
“Yes ma’am?” That got a small raised eyebrow; apparently she wasn’t used to being called ‘ma’am’.
“Do you have any straps?” The term ‘straps’ is a shortened version of “strap on” which is a harness that is either made for a woman wishing to wear the penis in the relationship (in a lesbian or even straight relationship) BUT it can also be for a man who has a small penis or as erectile dysfunction and need help via toys to give his partner the feeling of a real penis.
“For a man or woman?” I started to get the feeling that we were playing verbal chess.
“For a woman” She said with a touch of annoyance in her voice.
“Well I do have a lot of straight couples that explore the strap on avenue, I gotta check” I said to her as I walked around the counter to show her what we had available. Check.
She watched me closely as I walked around the counter towards her like she didn’t know if I was pulling her chain or if she was still in control of our non-existent chess game. “Well what do you suggest?” She said in a defiant tone.
“Well right here we have the well known, great product made my Doc Johnson called the Vac-U-Lock. It’s a strap on that has a little nub where the dildo is inserted so it doesn’t move as much while you have sex” I looked at her and she looked dumbfounded at my explanations, like I knew how these things worked, imagine! “We also have the Universal harness; it’s just as good as the Vac-U-Lock because it’s a comfortable leather harness with soft fabric on the back so it doesn’t cause chafing. The best thing about the Universal however is that you can use anything with a suction-cup on the end of it and you don’t have to buy specific brand of dildo.” I think her mouth hit the floor at this moment and I just smiled at her. But she quickly composed herself and our verbal dual began again.
“Can you show me which dildo’s you mean?”
“Sure!” I walked over to the part of the wall that held all the dildo’s and I pointed out every size from 6” to 10” dildo’s that had a suction-cup on the end where the balls would usually be (some of them do have balls with the suction-cup behind them) “These are going to work best”
“Damn that’s a lot to choose from” She said in a teasing tone. “I’m sure you don’t used them though but my girl said she wanted something with a reasonable size”
My eyebrow twitched, “Size tends to be a personal preference and because you know her best what size do you think she meant reasonable?”
 “I dunno, what size are you used to? I mean I’m sure you’re man isn’t as big as some of these but what would you want if you got to choose his size?” Check.
Check but not check mate, “Well considering that I don’t have a man, my girlfriend uses this one” I took down one that I had personally used before, “on me and I think it’s the best one because it’s a ‘real feel’ and not as plastic feeling..It’s also not too big but I always say the girth is what really matters, ya know?” Check mate!
After that the conversation was a little more solemn and I knew that I had just made my point and she had lost her original teasing tone and looked at me like I finally knew what I was talking about. The best part was she bought all my recommendations.

The next example of my usual encounters with lesbians is a couple I happened to have helped a few weeks ago. The day was coming to a close for me and I was waiting for my half hour to end when the Love Lips jingle sounded and I marked my page in the book I was reading and looked up and smiled, “If I can help you with anything, let me know” The two women were in their late 30’s and both had short black hair one however was more butch looking and the other more feminine and the more feminine woman was rounder and more shy looking.
“No thanks” The skinnier, shorter, and more butch looking woman said.
Well fine! Be that way! “Alrighty” I said in the nicest tone I could and went back to fixing things behind the counter as I watched them look around. I could see they were on a mission to find something and I really wanted to help them but the butch woman kept looking over at me like I was a nuisance for looking at them periodically. I left them alone to look and they both stopped in front of the harnesses made for men. The ones made for men have a small hole where the actual penis is suppose to lie comfortably. I didn’t know if they had a male friend they were getting this for, I mean who am I to jump to conclusions they were strictly into women? I heard them arguing quietly with one another about it and then they finally agreed and started to look at DVD’s. When they got to the “Kinky” section of the DVD’s which is closest to the counter I heard them still quietly arguing about the strap-on they chose. I moved a little closer and heard the more feminine woman say, “I’m not sure it’s for women”
“Why wouldn’t it be?” Her partner hissed.
“I think we should ask her about it” She said again.
Not needing them to quietly bicker about something easily answered I said, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to eavesdrop” I’m a terribly liar, “but the strap on you chose is for a man”
“A man?” The butch woman said with an incredulous look in my direction. “How so?”
“If you look on the back it has a ‘sleeve’ and a hole, it’s made for the penis to go inside of it so it give the illusion that what he’s wearing is his hard on”
“What do they mean by ‘sleeve’?”
“It’s a softer material for the actual penis to lie inside of while the top has a harder piece that adds extra length. It’s like an extension plus strap on for guys.”
They both nodded like they understood. “So it’s not good for woman to use even though it says ‘for women too’?”
“It can be but from personal experience it bends because of the hole and it’s a little awkward.” It was the truth, I had bought the same one with my partner thinking it was a cheap harness for women only to find the hole for where the man’s penis goes bent when you thrusted forward and it would bend at an awkward spot and just ruin the whole sexual experience.
The butch lesbian didn’t look satisfied with my answer. “Can you show me what you’re talking about?”
“Sure!” I opened the package and showed her the hole and bent it where it would bend without a penis inside of it and they finally understood. “Let me show you what we have that are good for women”
“You really know a lot for a straight girl” The butch woman said to my back.
I bristled, “Well working here I’ve learned a lot about all sorts of toys but I know things about strap-on’s from a personal level because I’m gay” I got horrified looks from them both as I then showed them the Universal harness and the dildo’s that would work best for them. They left with a bag full of goodies and better educated that just because I ‘look’ straight sure as hell doesn’t mean I’m straight.