Short and Not so Sweet: Part 1 Tattoo Pain

Short and Not so Sweet Stories: Part I

Lately I’ve had interesting encounters but they’ve been very short and not full length story worthy so I figured since the Chronicles of (M) have slowly stopped I would supply something just as good for the time being that is short and humorous.

Tattoo Pain

It was a short day for me when this happened and I was getting antsy to leave because after the busy weekend between a wedding and a festival I was participating in it was my last work day at Love Lips. A real vacation for me! I really just wanted to run screaming from the store because I’m going to have a FULL WEEK without crazy Dundalk being involved!!! Anyway! It was around 11 am when I realized I was probably not going to have many customers when the Love Lips jingle surprised me. I looked up and saw a man in his early 50’s in a blood red T-shirt with black writing on it came in. He looked at me with crooked eyes and said, “Good morning”

“Morning” I said as brightly as I could.

He kept looking at me and before I could ask him my usual “if I can help you with anything” schpeal he said, “Ohhh that had to hurt”

“I’m sorry?” I blinked.

“Your tattoo’s- that hurt didn’t it?”

“It was uncomfortable but I have a high pain tolerance so only certain places really, really hurt” It was true, I never cried and kept very still whenever I got any done, I wasn’t one of those screaming and sobbing tattoo type of women, and I was damned proud of that fact.

“Did it feel electric?”

Blink. You don’t get electrocuted when you get a tattoo, buddy. “No, it felt hot and it vibrated from the needle moving fast” I said helpfully.

“My buddy has tattoos all over his body, he does”

“Wow, that must’ve—“

“He wishes he never got any of them…” He nodded seriously with his crooked eyed stare.

I smiled, I didn’t want to say it but that’s why all of my tattoos have some deep meaning, you don’t want to get tattoos if you don’t love them. It is sad how many people get tattoos just for the heck of it without any real thought.

“Yeah…sad really” He said slowly as he continued to stare at me with an equally crooked smile. He then moved on into the store and ended our weird conversation.

California Bullet

California Bullet

 I was digging deep into my Face Book the other day when I stumbled upon this gem of a day from way back in 2010. I remember this was shortly after we had the viewing booths put into our store and it was still slow business wise for us. I was amusing myself with a book when the Love Lips jingle sounded and I looked up to see a younger guy come in, “Can I see your ID?”

“Yeah…” He said in a dazed tone.

Great, my day jut started and I’m already dealing with a high as a kite guy. I checked his ID and he was 21. “If I can help you find anything, let me know, alright?”

“Sure” He said in a tongue-tied voice. I watched him closely because he looked like he may have sticky fingers. He kinda slid down the counter and then stopped hypnotized at the Power Bullet’s on the counter. “What are these?”

“They’re power bullets, they are for women to use on the clit” It still amazes me how many people don’t know what a “clit” is.

“Why does it say ‘tester’?” He said as he examined the Tester bullet so close he was going cross-eyed.

“It’s so people can see how fast it goes, but it’s only for people to hold, not to actually use sexually in the store” I only added this fact because his stoned eyes got wide as he looked like it was going to bite his nose. But it got so much worse. He started to SNIFF the bullet. I blinked and looked down, not knowing if I should laugh or cry. I busied myself with straightening things on the counter and every time I looked up to see what he was doing he was rolling the vibrating bullet in his hand, he played with the button that controlled the speed and kept sniffing it periodically.

“I think I’m going to get one for my girlfriend…” He said and handed me an un-opened one.

I tested to make sure it functioned properly but couldn’t get rid of the image in my head of him sniffing the bullet. I was glad to be rid of the bullet sniffer when the Love Lips jingle signaled another customer. I smiled at the older woman who had walked into the store, she looked to be in her 50’s and had the crazy-cat lady kinda look, wrapped under many layers of clothes. It was still cold out and she was a petite woman so I didn’t really think too much of it. “Good afternoon” I said.

“Good COLD afternoon” She said cheerfully.

“Yeah it is pretty cold out” I said.

“I’m from California and this is like Antarctic type weather. I’m literally wearing 3 shirts, one sweatshirt, and 4 jackets!”

Wow…that serious, huh? Of course she had to show me each layer. I just nodded and smiled and we talked more about the weather for a little bit.

“You guys sure are small” She said looking around judgmentally.

Ugh, seriously? “We’re one of the older sores so we’re a tad smaller, yes”

“The one I’m used to in California is three times this size” She said as she discovered the Tester Power Bullet and pushed the speeds. “Wow this sucker is powerful!”

“Yes it is- they’re great and discreet” I said helpfully.

“Do you have a back room so I can test it out?”

Everything came to a screeching halt, “I’m sorry??” I wanted to make sure I heard her right.

“A back room, so I can test to make sure I like it”

Flabbergasted I said, “No ma’am…We don’t have a room for that because that tester is only meant to be held in your hand, not actually used…”

“Oh…” She set it down and gave me a dirty look, “Well that store in California had a back room”

“I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of such of a thing” I said half apologetically and half indignantly. That is beyond unsanitary!!

She dropped her snooty attitude and replaced it with her crazy cat lady like attitude and said, “Yeah it was great, they had multiple rooms in the back and testers for most of their toys and you could take them in those rooms and whack off to make sure you really like it”

In theory that’d be ideal but realistically….EWWW!!!! You have no idea who might’ve used it last and… diseases! O-M-G!!! I thought I was going to be sick but I held it together and said, “Wow, that’s really different” Lame, yes…but what the hell do you say after something like that?! I mean those toys better be bleached before reusing or something! I CAN’T imagine using a tester I know someone else has used before. EW EW EW EW EW!!! I sadly don’t remember anymore of our conversation except that part because it was so disgusting.

But that wasn’t the last insane customer I would face that day. Oh no, I wasn’t meant to be lucky that day. The Love Lips jingled and in walked a man in his late 20’s and his girlfriend who looked a little younger than him.

“If I can help you two with anything let me know”

“Alright, thank you” They said. They looked around for a good half hour, talking together about what porn movie they wanted. Eventually they came up to the counter and I found the DVD and put it in its box.

I told the guy the total and as he paid he looked like he was practically bouncing in anticipation and said to me with a grin, “You got a boyfriend?”

“Nope” I said as I swiped his credit card after checking his ID.

“Well don’t you wish you had a guy that would tell you that you could pick out whatever porn you wanted because he was buyin’?” He said proudly like he was going to win Best Boyfriend of the Year Award.

I raised an eyebrow and smiled, “Sure...” I felt bad for the girlfriend because she looked embarrassed. All I could think was, he’s all yours hunnie…I don’t need porn OR a man to have mind blowing sex. Have fun!

Oh how I miss the crazier fun days, I hope the crazy-fun picks back up just a little because that’s what makes this job worth sticking around for!!

The Chronicles of (M): Part VIII

Thank you everyone who follows this blog for being patient as I was on vacation for a week. I missed writing for the blog and am glad to be back on line with you all. I wish the story for the first day back was a fun and laid back story but to be perfectly honest something happened to (M) while I was on vacation and I feel like his story should be posted before we get back to having fun. This just goes to show this is a real life blog with nothing made up. Thank you for your continued support!

~Sireana

The Chronicles of (M): Part VIII

This is unlike any of the other stories I’ve written. This customer has no sexual intensity or humor. A customer walks up to the register as his nervous body and quivering hands are holding a white plastic bag. He says to me, "I need you to fill this up".

I reply "Fill it up with what?" I ask.

He says "The money", that’s when he reveals a knife in his hand; it had a red handle with silver blade that reflected the light when I looked at it.

I take a big step back, and reply "I need to reach over and press the key to open the drawer." I have never been robbed before, but from what I do know is that you do what you have to do to make the robber feel comfy. I put the money in the bag and hand it over to him.

 He tells me "Not to call anyone for 10min....10 min." Without another word he leaves...and is still yet to be found. The police took me on a few ID trips to see if I recognized him. That was a negative....  

After thinking about this, I’m glad no one got hurt. And from the looks of the man, with the complete oversized sweatshirt and clothes that looked as they didn’t belong to him. He probably needed the money more than the company does. Sounds kinda screwed up coming from the guy who had the knife pointed at him. He was obviously unintelligent or very high because he stole $270.00 cash. My laptop (Mac book pro laptop 13inch) is worth 1,200 and was sitting on the counter at the time........tho it’s a good thing he didn’t ask for the laptop. Then I would’ve grabbed that bat (by the way is at the complete opposite side of the counter out of reach of my need). Lesson to the wise; don’t even think about grabbing a man’s/women’s Mac book. They will fuck you up. =)

 Also, just so everyone who’s reading knows, there is absolutely no irony in this story....But seriously who the fuck robs a Porn Shop?! And yes, I’m still workin here......

~( M )

CPCF- Holes

Holes

HA! Look at that I have a CPCF story! I was very sad I didn’t have one last week and I still am very sorry my fellow followers. But on with the show!

“Love Lips, how can I help you?”

“Hi there, I was wondering if you had the rooms with the holes?”

At least he didn’t say glory hole… “You mean viewing booths?”

“Oh you have those too?”

They come separately? “No, we don’t have either”

“Really? Someone told me you have holes in that store”

“No sir we do not have ‘holes’ in this store”

“Oh..oh well!”

“Have a go—“

“So wait, you don’t know what holes are?”

“Yes, sir I understand that some places have booths with holes in them”

“Wait, what?!” He said loudly in a ‘no way’ tone like I had just said Jesus told me to tell him ‘Hi’.

I’m so confused. “That’s what I thought you were talking about”

“I think…maybe?” Long pause, “So they have holes in the viewing booths? Why?”

“I assume so people in the adjoining rooms can have some sort of sex through the hole”

“Ohhh!! Wow, people really do that?”

Seriously? Are you high? “From what I hear about other stores, sure.”

“Yeah..my girlfriend really likes the holes” He said in a dreamy dawn out voice.

Ugh…ok this conversation is over! “Do you have any other questions for me?”

“Nope! Thanks tho!”

I swear some people have holes in their brain, not in their walls…

Just so everyone knows I am on vacation next week from 10/10 thru 10/14 so I will not be updating my blog for a whole week! *gasp* It’ll be weird not updating things but I figure if I have a vacation from Love Lips, I should enjoy it to the fullest by not blogging every day. But I promise you come Monday 10/17 I’ll be back with more stories! Have a safe weekend and week everyone see you in a week!!

Would you like to...?

Would you like to…?

Oh how could I forget this story? As I was revolving slowly in circles at working during some serious dead time I was going through my mental archive of special stories and happened to remember a very special situation I was placed into last winter.

It was a little bit after the big blizzard of 2010 and Love Lips was suffering from people not wanting to drive and buy things like sex toys, not that I blamed them, it was a nasty winter. But that day the sun was peeking out from behind the clouds and I saw more cars in the parking lot than I had seen in a while. The Love Lips jingle to announce we finally had a customer. At first I was excite for a potential customer but then someone let the wind out of my sails because he looked like he was only 15 so I said in a mono-tone voice, “Can I see your ID, hon?”

“Sure” He said with a pleasant smile and showed me his ID, he was 22.

“Thanks, we have to card everyone who looks young” I always feel silly checking ID’s but know it’s necessary.

“It’s all good” He said with another smile as he started to look in the case at the lubes. “Are these all the lubes you have?”

“Yep. What were you looking for?” We have a glass case by the register that houses smaller items and lubes, the whole bottom shelf is dedicated to them yet people never can seem to find them.

“I’m looking for a lube called ID, do you have any?”

“Hmm” I got out of the chair and bent down to look in the counter, I had no one else ever ask for that besides one other guy who came in on monthly bases for one type. “We only have Mint and Bubble Gum”

“You don’t have Banana or Strawberry?”

“No, I’m sorry.” Didn’t I just say what kind we had? Oi vey. “I can order those flavors for you if you want.”

“That’d be great” He smiled again.

“Alright check back with me in a week and I’ll get what I can, do you want it to be a bigger bottle or the same size as the Bubble Gum?”

“Same size if you can. Thank you, I’ll check back”

I was sad he didn’t buy anything but I was glad that a nice person came into the store as my first customer of the day.

*~~*Two Weeks Later*~~*

I want to say that if my memory serves me correctly he didn’t come back until two weeks later I told him to come back a week later. I was worried he wasn’t coming back for the things I ordered for him but people seemed to like the new additions. Luckily for him when he came back we had both in stock. The Love Lips jingle sounded and in walks the same nice African American man. “Good morning”

“Good morning to you” He said with another pleasant smile.

“I got those lubes you requested in.” I got out of my chair again and pulled out both of the lubes to show him.”

“Those are exactly what I’m looking for. I think though today I’ll take the banana one” Beggars can’t be choosers, I rang him up for the one lube and we made small talk. He was easy to talk to because he didn’t act all wigged out from being in a sex store and most of his jokes were kind of funny. I was happy to be able to have a civil conversation for once. But as I was putting  the money into my drawer he said, “I have a funny sort of question for you”

“I get lots of questions and most of them are legit, what’s up?” I said as I handed him back his change.

“My girlfriend and I have agreed to experiment more and we’re looking into swinging.” I waited for more of the story before I said anything, so I sat down and looked at him questioningly. “Are there any magazines with swingers clubs or date lines? We’re looking to add another woman into our relationship”

I picked up the Xtreme Magazine our store sometimes carries with local clubs and what-not. I personally could never imagine myself in a polyandrous relationship and I tip my hat at the people who can because it sounds like too much work and just doesn’t fit with who I am. “This is a local listening of clubs and such; they may have a club or two…” I smiled as I handed it to him.

“Thank you…” He said as he held the magazine and he looked lost in thought.

“You alright?” I said, he looked torn about something and thus far and been nothing but nice to me so I’d hate for him to not be OK from something I said.

“I really meant to ask you. You seem like a really nice woman, beautiful and caring. I wanted to know if you wanted to be our first girlfriend? I think my girlfriend would really like you.”

I was stunned and actually kind of flattered. I never thought 1) I’d be asked that and 2) be ok with being asked that. He said it in such a sincere tone and un-predatorily so I wasn’t worried saying how I really felt, “I’m flattered. But I’m in a monogamous relationship. But thank you. I hope you two find someone good for your relationship” I said with a genuine smile.

“Oh. Alright then. Have a good day” He smiled back and left totally unashamed of asking me.

Who would’ve thought you CAN be asked to be in a three-some in a nice way?

Dude Doesn't Look Like a Lady

Dude Doesn’t Look Like a Lady

So for those of you who don’t know me, I started working at Love Lips in 2010 and when I first started the store looked like crap. With a lot of TLC I had the store in some order and then to my horror they sent in a team of people to tear all my hard work down in order to put viewing booths into my quiet store. It didn’t have the effect they wanted, hardly anyone came to use them and we also lost our dressing room because of the ‘brilliant’ peep booths being put in. of course with this added ‘bonus’ to our store we started to attract special people. In one case of the booths being put in I met one man I really don’t miss. I actually met him before the booths but I ended up seeing more of him after. I’ll tell you both stories.

*~*Before Booths*~*

It was a quite early morning and I was clinging to my coffee for dear life. It had been a rough week and I was very tired, I was praying for a slow day so I wouldn’t have to think too hard about anything. But to my disappointment the Love Lips jingle sounded and I saw a mousey looking, thin, and short man walk into the store. I said sleepily, “Good morning, let me know if I can help you with anything….”

“Alright, thanks” He said with a sketchy sideways glance at me.

I kept an eye on him as he looked around the lingerie section. This was pretty normal because most men who look in the lingerie section are looking for an outfit for their wife so I said, “Were you looking for anything in specific?”

“Not really, but if I want to try anything on can I?”

Ughhh it is too early for this! “Yes we do” I was too tired to really think anything of a man wanting to try on women’s lingerie. Everyone has their weird thing, why bother calling him out on it?

“Great, will you tell me if it looks OK?”

The music ripped to a stop, I do NOT get paid enough for this shit! “Um…no, we have a mirror in the dressing room so you can judge if you think your spouse is going to like it or not”

“Why won’t you tell me if it’s Ok?”

“Because I don’t feel comfortable telling you what I think, and I really don’t want to see” Harsh, yes but 90% of our lingerie outfits are pure see through and I had a sinking feeling he was going to come parading out of the dressing room right up to the front windows so everyone and their brother could see his package hanging out of a thong made for a woman. No thanks!

He gave me a dirty look, “That’s bad business”

“Were not paid to tell men OR women if they look good in an outfit, the clothes are see-through and I personally am not OK with that”

He huffed and put an outfit down, “Well I’ve had other cashiers tell me what they thought”

“That’s fine but I am not OK with it, I apologize but I don’t find it appropriate.” I don’t know how many ways I have to say it I don’t want to see your ugly man body in a pretty piece of lingerie. It does nothing for me, dude and you’re not exactly handsome so I don’t think wearing women’s lingerie is gonna make you look any better, sorry.

He gave me another scathing look and left our little shop. Upon talking to other co-workers he always did this to them as well and NEVER bought anything, he just liked the idea of trying women’s clothes on. He was not an attractive man and I felt sorry for the women on shift who did bother to tell him he looked like a pretty princess hoping he’d buy something and leave.

*~*After the booths*~*

It was a short work day for me and my patience was wearing thin. I was having a special kind of morning. One of my first customers was a strange woman, who had 1984 stretched over her giant ass in yoga pants that were way too tight. How did I know they were too tight? I could tell she had no panties on. It was quite disgusting. It didn’t help she also talked to herself, and responded to herself as she looked through our lingerie. Needless to say I was quite happy when she left the store. I was recovering from the 1984 women who our little mousey friend came in the store. He put 3 dollars down on the counter and went back into the booth area without a word to me. I rang him up even though he had already walked through the swinging doors. He was back there for a good half hour before I saw him again. I had other people in the store and this apparently was his cue. He walked through the swinging doors with one hand cocked to the side and swayed his hips like he was on a drag show. It took me a second to realize he had taken his plaid shirt off and a black dress tucked into his jeans. He shimmied up to the counter and said as loudly as he could, “Can I have a Kleenex? It’s a little messy back there” He said with a sneer.

Seriously? No shit Sherlock, you were jacking off back there! I handed him a paper towel, “We only have paper towels” I glared at him for making a scene in front of paying customers who weren’t acting like an asshole. I knew he was doing this because of the first time we met.

“Thanks” He said with a lisp and walked back into the view booth area with many sideways looks and gawking glances from the customers I had in the store. I kinda wanted to shove the whole paper towel roll up his annoying ass but figured he might like that too much.

I later found out he made a scene like that on purpose to humiliate me and make me uncomfortable. I personally couldn’t give a rat’s ass about it; I was more upset he was being disrespectful to the other customers for the sole purpose to try to make me squeamish. I was totally fine with the dress, it was the see-through stuff I didn’t want to see on him. I also had confirmation from the same co-worker that he was a closet gay man, married with kids who went to the peep booths to give blow jobs and receive oral sex. He claimed doing it with men at booths meant he wasn’t cheating on his wife this way. Riiiiggghhhtttt. I swear people need reality checks. I thankfully have not seen him again.

Sunday

Sunday

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! This day is my typical one day off a week that I spend quality face time with my partner that I only usually see for 3 hours after she gets home from work during the week. But sadly this past Sunday I was at Love Lips. Tired and wanting to be home I wasn’t as lively as usual. The store opens at 11am and from the moment I opened it was dead. I was worried that I wasn’t going to have anyone today because of the cold and over-cast Sunday. So when the Love Lip’s door jingled and a guy wrapped up in a red hoodie came in to look at DVD’s I was happy that I had at least one person looking around. I was keeping an eye on a guy looking at DVD’s when the Love Lips chime signaled another person. I turned to an older man with salt and pepper hair, tall but bent in a hump, and so much Ravens garb I was pretty sure he had Ravens undies too. “Good morning!” I said as cheerfully as I could with how tired I was.

“Good morning” He smiled as he moved to the men’s lingerie section, “Wow you have a lot more than the other Love Lips store”

Rossville? They’re such a big store, I don’t see how we have more but ok! This is a good topic keeper.  “The one on Pulaski?”

“No, the one on Eastern Avenue”

“Oh, I didn’t know we had one there” I really don’t think we do but I have a lot of people who swear up and down there is a Love Lips sister store in that area.

“Oohh look at the purple” He said softly as he moved closer to the counter and he picked up a purple mesh thong for men.

Men’s lingerie scares me, the idea of stuffing the male parts into a tiny basket looking thong has always sounded so very unattractive. But I know it does something for some people out there so I can’t say anything. But you can’t help remember this nauseating fact when an old man is looking for a thong for himself. So I left him to browse through the other colors. After a few more minutes he started to walk around the store, pausing to take time to look at everything we had individually. I made myself busy by straightening out some things on the counter. After 5 minutes or so he came up towards the counter again. “Are you looking for anything specific?” I was really hoping he’d buy something, even if it was something small so I wasn’t completely unproductive money wise.

“Nah, just came to look, all these stores are all so different” He said softly, half to himself and half to me.

“Yeah, we all carry similar items but we like to keep it different” I smiled as he walked hunched over towards the men’s thongs again.

He picked up a white thong and checked the tag. I was zoned out when I heard him say in a very old man-ish sounding voice, “Mmmm Canada” I looked at him wondering if the ‘Mmmm” noise was a dislike noise or a surprised noise. As if he heard my thoughts he looked at me and said, “It’s made in Canada. Everything’s usually made in China or Mexico” He set the white pair he had been reading from down and checking the purple thong’s tag and looked up at me with a triumphant look, “Made in the USA” He handed it to me and nodded, signaling it was now his once he paid for it. “I like purple…” He said softly again. I rang the thong up and he moved slowly over to where he could pay and as I was waiting for the receipt to print he said with a distasteful voice, “You sure have……interesting tattoos, girl.”

I bit back a sarcastic tone and said politely, “Yes I do, they all mean something special to me”

“Your shirt is almost Ravens colors” He said changing the topic onto something he could understand.

I was wearing a purple and green colored tank top (yes, I LOVE cold weather so I was not wearing a sweater) but not in honor of the Ravens. I have never been big into sports so I said, “Yeah, I’m not a big foot ball fan. But it’s always nice to hear when we win.” I said smiling as I handed him his receipt.

He fixed me with a hard look and leaned forward towards me. “Not your fault”

“Excuse me?” I’m confused.

“It’s your Daddy’s fault for not making you a football girl” He nodded with a solemn face like I was the only black kitten in a litter of white kittens. Like he wanted to help me but couldn’t.

I smiled politely and said, “Have a good day, sir” As he left I thought about my Father trying to make me like anything I didn’t want to. HAHAHA!!! Yeah right….