Family Business

Family Business

This title sounds a little sketchy coming from a Porn Store Blog, it sounds like a dirty story about incest but never fear, it is NOT about that! For those of you who are disappointed by the last sentence, you obviously have the wrong blog…Anyway! This is the epic story that has been in the works of being written for a couple of days now and I apologize for keeping it a mystery for so long. I know I keep saying how epic this story is and today you’ll finally get to read WHY it’s so epic.

It was the early morning before Thanksgiving Day and the shopping center my little store resides in was quite empty. The night before it was hellish trying to get anywhere because of family rolling into Dundalk for the next day or rolling out to visit family outside of Dundalk. But I regardless I wasn’t expecting much customer flow because who thinks about having sex the day before Thanksgiving? I had just open 10 minutes before the Love Lips jingle sounded my first customer of the day. In walked a man probably in his early 40’s with a fresh hair cut and a family approved navy blue sweater and jeans. He must’ve been on his way to visit family because the hair cut had just happened this day; there was a patch of pale skin in the outline of his previous hair do, it was quite unfortunate looking. “Good morning! If I can help—“

“Is this up because you guys got robbed?” He tapped the plexi-glass 3 times and looked at me seriously…very seriously.

Annoyed from the tapping (it’s happening more often and is sooo uncalled for) I said a little curtly, “Yup…”

He looked at me and shook his head, “It’s a damn same…a damn shame. I read in the Dundalk Eagle about it, you guys were robbed back to back weren’t you?”

“Yup…” Also being asked that like I didn’t know was equally annoying as the tapping.

He kept shaking his head and then looked to the side of me like he was afraid of making eye contact, “I don’t know who the bastard was but if I did I would totally tell”

I raised an eyebrow, I knew this was about to get good and he did not disappoint me.

“You know I’ve been in jail for doing shit like that. It wasn’t worth a day I spent in that hell hole. But you know…if I knew who the bastard was I would totally go to the cops. I don’t care if they call that a snitch, squealer, or whatever but I’ll tell you, I’d tell the pigs in a heartbeat. I’d walk straight into the police office and tell them pigs exactly who the bastard was.” He looked at me for a second and then away and said, “it was a white guy with a hood wasn’t it?”

“That’s what the people who got robbed said” I said with a suppressed smile.

He looked at me with an incredulous face and shook his head, “Man that’s f-ed up…a white guy doin’ shit like that…man I can’t believe this shit!” He said in a ‘what’s this world coming to’ voice. Then after a small pause he looked at me with a wild stare, “You weren’t here were ya?”

“Nope, I wouldn’t have come back if I was. Though we’re thankful the two people who were here didn’t get hurt.”

He hung his head in shame and shook his head then looked to the side of me and said, “I told my girlfriend about the robberies, I mean it happened so close to my house! MY house! This is a good neighborhood. First you guys then another small place up the street get robbed. This is a good area; I used to live in a bad bad area before I moved here. I OWN that house, I don’t rent it…I BOUGHT it because this is a family community. I told my girl, I told her that if I knew who this mother f—I mean, excuse my language—If I knew who this m-fer was I’d tell them coppers everything, what he looked like down to that m-fers name! She looked at me like ‘whhaatt?’ cuz she knows I’ve been in jail. But you know, I want this place to stay safe. I mean I consider ya’ll a family business. You’ve been here for what…”

“9 years” I interjected in his long schpeal.

“9 years! You’re practically family, baby! Family! No one messes with family…’specially not nice establishments like your own…” He kept shaking his head.

At this moment with me trying to fight back a giant smile one of the weird homeless men shuffled into the store, he was wearing multiple hoodies and my new ‘friend’ looked at him and said loudly, “You’re not the hooded M-fer who robbed this place are you?!”

I am ashamed to say I almost laughed out loud and the frightened look on the homeless guys face, it was priceless! He shook his head violently and mumbled, “Nu-uh…” and he all but ran from the store.

“Where ya goin?! If you didn’t do it why ya runnin’?!” He took a step towards the door.

I said quickly so there wasn’t any un-necessary 911 calls, “He’s a regular homeless drunk we have around here.” I wasn’t going to admit that particular homeless guy did creep me out cuz he’d sometimes just walk into the store, stand at the door and stare out at the parking lot…then leave without a word but he never stole anything or made a scene so I didn’t want my new ‘friend’ to possibly harass him later.

“So he’s cool?” He said then looked down, “I mean I’m a regular around here and I will admit, I’ve had a little to drink this morning”

Ya think? That explains a lot however… “Yeah, he doesn’t cause trouble.”

He nodded like he understood, “Well, I guess I should gets ta goin’ You stay safe now baby girl and you let me know if you ever need anything. I also promise to keep my ear to the ground and if I find that mother…m-fer I’ll turn him in, ok baby? I-I’m also pray for you, you know cuz we gotta stick together and God is that glue, ya know. Ima pray for your safety and know that I’ll be thinkin’ of you guys and pray for you all to stay safe, ok?”

I smiled as friendly as I could and tried hard not to laugh, “Thank you very much, you have a great Thanksgiving tomorrow”

“You too baby girl” He nodded and touched the glass for a second and left the store.

As soon as he left I cracked up laughing. I couldn’t believe what just happened and wished I had the computer because it was epic! Don’t you agree?

Short and Not so Sweet Stories Part IV: You Know too Much

I hope you all had a fun family filled Thanksgiving and are still recovering from too much turkey. I’m sorry I didn’t post anything last night but I worked at Love Lips until 6pm. Why were we opened so long on Thanksgiving? I’ll never know because in 9 hours I made a grand total of $53.80! I almost couldn’t handle the work! Whew! But seriously…I’ll never understand why my corporation thinks we’d get customers on a family geared holiday is beyond me. I mean who’s going to be thinking about sex with your spouse when you’re forced to share your food with relatives you are forced to see twice a year due to a national holiday. We all know those relatives really don’t like you equally as much as you don’t like them. Sex just isn’t gonna be your first thought on days like Thanksgiving and Christmas let alone driving to a Porn Store! But just in case you didn’t care your relatives might be sleeping in the next room Love Lips was open! I just didn’t see you…Anyway! By the time I got home I was done for the night of basically sitting and doing nothing for 9 hours I figured you could pardon my absence from this wonderful blog for one more night. However! It’s Friday and the show must go on! Sadly it wasn’t a Crazy Phone Call kinda week but I do have a Short Story for your reading pleasure tonight. I also promise next week I have a great story about a particularly funny encounter with a man I have never seen before confessing how our fine rubber establishment is considered part of the family businesses in “safe” Dundalk. Oh it was epic and I will not keep this story from you any longer and post it next Monday! But for now, enjoy your Turkey weekend and don’t go into too much of a Turkey coma! Be safe and I’ll see you on Monday <3

Short and Not so Sweet Stories: Part IV

You Know too Much

Oh the slow days of the week sure know how to drag so slow I feel like I’m sliding into a time warp…and not the fun kind like in Rocky Horror. Today was one of those days and I was running out of books to read. I was contemplating possibly looking into getting the Nook E-Reader when the Love Lips jingle brought me back to the present; I stood up in my plexi-glass fish bowl and smiled at the two women who walked in. One was a smaller well-kept looking older woman with bottle blonde hair who had the look of Botox around her pulled cheeks but she was dressed for the outside world. However her companion looked like she just rolled out of bed and wore a ratty old sweat shirt and terrible looking jeans, I couldn’t tell if they were an item or just friends but the un-kempt looking one had the classic neon sign above her that spelled the word “lesbian” but who am I to judge a couple? She could be straight; there are plenty of manly women in Dundalk that were straight. So I set my first thoughts aside and said, “If I can help you find anything please let me know”

“Alright, we’re just lookin’ hon” Botox said with a tight smile.

I left them alone to look around. Sadly the fish bowl doesn’t allow a lot of hushed conversation to travel through but I watched them carefully because sticky fingers is a contagious disease around holiday’s and I didn’t want anything walking out of the store without it being paid for. I saw that Botox was whispering harshly to her companion and all I heard out of their quiet conversation was “just ask her”. I pretended I was really interested in something behind the counter when Botox walked up to the plexi-glass and said with a friendly smile, “This is gonna sound like a stupid question, though I’m sure you get those all the time”

“There are no stupid questions because I have definitely heard just about everything” I said, it was true, I’ve had heard just about everything, hardly anything surprises me anymore.

“I looked but I might have over looked them, do you have any of the double sided dildo’s that vibrate?” She held her hands up showing me she meant one of the 12” to 16” double sided dildo’s meant for vaginal and anal at the same time or for two women using it at the same time. She didn’t actually have one in her hand but the length she was showing me with her hands I could tell she meant.

“Yes we do, we only have one purple one above all the other ones you were looking at” I walked to the general direction of the double sided dildos in my tank. I pointed up to the top where the “U Send Me” double sided vibrating dildo was.

“Where?” She tried to follow my finger and touched everything but what I was pointing at.

“Up…keep going…over to your right…your other right…” It was like trying to direct a Chinese person in English. “It’s called U Send Me and it’s at the very top in a green box” It really wasn’t hard to miss but she kept looking very lost. I wasn’t comfortable leaving my fish bowl unless absolutely necessary because it only locks from the inside and anyone can walk into it if I have it open.

Thankfully her companion pointed to where it was and she took it down. “This is made for two people to use?”

“Yes, for double penetration for yourself or for two women” I put my hands in my pockets as she looked over the toy very carefully then turned and hung it back up.

She was looking at the other non-vibrating dildos and then walked near my tank and narrowed her eyes at me and said, “You really know your toys” She looked scandalized, “I wonder about you…” She waved her finger at me like I was a misbehaving child.

All I could do was blink and said under my breath, “Well I do work at a porn store?” I was thankful she didn’t hear my snide comment but seriously, if I didn’t know anything about toys I’d be worried.

“Thanks hon we were just pricing things today, we’ll be back” She waved happily at me even though she looked like I was hiding national secrets and her companion grunted at my tank and they left.

I mean seriously? It’s a porn store! If I didn’t know anything about the products I was selling I shouldn’t be working here! The only thing I can honestly say I don’t know much about is the ‘tobacco’ products because that is one thing I never have done or have any interest in using. But to each their own and apparently it is bad when you know too much about sex toys when you work at a sex toy store, who woulda thought?

Chronicles of (M): The Final Story

Here it is everyone! The moment you’ve been waiting for!!! This is the very last story from our beloved (M). We wish you well and will miss you (M) Thanks for the last and greatest story!

Chronicles of (M):

The Year Within 4 Rubber Dick Covered Walls.

The Final Story.

I want to remind all readers, all these stories are 100% true.

Going into this job I had no idea what to expect. Never did I expect the things I’ve seen and experienced. I hate to admit but I kind of enjoyed it. I smoked a lot of cigarettes, seen a lot of titties, before you think that’s a good thing there was just as much penis and cum shots all over the place.

Strangely we had quite a few regulars, - "Hal" he was sum sort of construction worker, always came in to buy magazines and they had to have the extra DVD. The magazines were all so old but he came in every few days to spend ten bucks on his porno. So working there for a year that’s a shit load of porn we accumulated a lot of strange regulars like- "Carter" older gentleman who looked like he was gonna touch little boys or would be "old-man-gay" but that wasn't the case. He came in to buy "features" so he called them. Once he came in and he was a smoker so when he showed up I was outside on my break. He pulls up and he gets out and smokes a cig with me. He shows me this spot on his car that had no mark but apparently he was driving and he hit the island in the middle of the road while driving home. He said "hey it could have been a black kid". (I’m sorry but I cracked up laughing, he’s old, I’m sorry. lol) I couldn't help but to laugh at the remark. He was creepy but he was ok. - "Kevin" This guy was pretty cool. He came in to look at the pipes and bongs we sold. He would always tell me about how great that K2 synthetic weed shit is and go on and on and on and on and on. Occasionally he would buy, but his focus was the liquor store next door.

Then we have the homeless guys. There were 2 of them mainly. "Poison the yell" - Steve (not his real name) He would come in and just start screaming and air guitar rocking out. When you looked into Steve’s eyes it was like he was looking through you. He took shots of anything he could get his hands on. He once told me "my life is great, I don’t need anything. I have everything I want. If I'm hungry and I walk everywhere, but when I’m hungry and I look in the trashcan I’ll find something to eat and keep going. If I want drugs they are everywhere here. Anything you want can be found in such a small town. Everyone is on something; it’s all about meeting up at the right time. By the way do you have a cig I can bum hahahaha" I have to admit I was a little envious of not the lifestyle but the feeling of feeling as free as this man does, I smile and of course went on with finding out more of this homeless man. Very interesting guy, my goal at one point was to find out where his life went wrong. Unfortunately Steve doesn’t have a very big attention span, so conversations were very short and hard to put together but it made sense. The other homeless guy was too quiet for comfort. He only asked to borrow cigs from me. Other than that he smelled awful.

Of course you have read my other stories including "Robb", "Holly and Frank", "Margaret", "Poison the yell", "Jeeper", "Franklin", "China shrink couple" , "Brittney and Rosa" . Trust me there was so many more. I got lazy towards the end. If you have read through these stories, a question that should come to mind is definitely how could I keep my composure during this. Not an easy task especially when 2 of those stories they were trying to defy my body one way or another.

I tended to get hit on quite often in this place, and I know that most men would be all about the fantasy bout fucking in a porn shop. I find something disturbing bout sex in that place. I mean all these beautiful women all over the walls with plugs in there asses and the damn poster is signed by the girl. All the stories I have written to you, and many visitations from many of my friends. All this sex and no one mentions STDs, so in my head I feel like STDs were smeared all over the walls and my only defense besides attempting not to catch anything is the cheap hand sanitizer that smells like old cake with bad frosting. I’m sorry but I’m not even thinking about sex due to that thought. Good luck future LC employees, ugh…uck.

The booths were the most horrendous idea ever invented. It was a 95-5 men to women ratio of using these booths. They paid $3.00 I sent these people on their way behind the magic badly put together swinging doors. These 5 booths just wildly smelled like cum. The 1990's videos we had to put in were like watching your grandmother do things you never want to see again. It became a hazard to me when one man "Jeeper" asked to suck me off back there. My comfort in the store was violated, raped and dragged to the hole in which it won’t be found till after the remains have deteriorated. Another man was just having himself a wildly fun time by screaming at the top of his lungs "THANK YOU!!!!! OH MY THANK YOU!!!!!!" My first thought is wow, I just fuckin got here and this is going on. He stayed back there having a good ole time, I even had other customers come in to buy things while this man in the back is huffing and puffing and groaning and moaning. So after about an hour of expressing his love for himself, it gets real quiet. He emerges from the offset swinging doors, and out comes this older white dirty man, very short Danny Devito like with a dirty white shirt very, and suspenders with khaki pants on. He walks towards the front of the store, looks at me and says...."nice day out today ain’t it?" I said with an awkward smirk and quick head shake in the affirmative "yea, it is ain’t it". He leaves the store and I never see him again.

Well it was a hell of a run and I’ll find more things to write about. I guess besides the freaks staring in from the window, all the cheesy unsafe updates. P.O.S Computer system and the robberies including me getting “Robb’ed”. I’ll miss the mutants that came in through one door, then when leaving attempted to walk out the next but ran into it because it doesn’t work, so they find the correct door and continue to leave only now they are embarrassed, because they fear they were just a character in porn shop stories.

I’ll also be on FAKING IT RADIO December 9th, talking more about "Porn Shop Stories" if you want to hear more of my stories!!!

The Chronicles of (M): The Final Chapters

The Chronicles of (M); The Final Chapters

Here it is guys, the final story... I’m not apologizing for anything said, but one year is gonna be cramped into one full true story, all the stories I didn’t write about, and being hard on the company I once gave 2 squirts of piss for. But here is a teaser story for the last and final Chronicles of me.

~(M)

Doped for Two and Katie

This story is a little different. We have a guest for this story being Bryan, one of my close friends and the two lovely ladies who decided that 10pm (our closing time) just wasn’t quite a good time for us to close. This day Bryan was here with me, when we got the pleasure of meeting "Katie and doped for two". Katie was an active member of Dundalk's finest and her buddy doped for two was a pregnant chick, who seemed to like methadone pills. Again, Dundalk's finest. Katie who had so many dumb questions I kinda forgot some of them, but there were a few that stood out. Question number 1 : "Have you ever seen a vagina big enough to take this in?" She at that point literally holds up the biggest dildo we had.

Unable to say what I was really thinking I replied with a simple, “No”. Bryan replied I’ve seen a "bear" once.

She asked "What?" with a classical Dundalk blank stare.

Bryan replied “Oh nevermind.” Sometimes there really isn’t a point trying to explain even the simplest things to people from Dundalk.

So as Katie walks around the store just picking everything her grimy un-virgin hands can pick up just cuz she can. It’s pushing past 10pm so I tell them both that our cash is down for the night as they did come in a minute before we closed. Katie goes on this huge trip about a penis pencil topper and how she only has cash to pay for it. I mean you woulda thought this penis pencil topper would have saved her life and doped for two from this mean evil world we call reality and drug addiction. As for doped for two I didn’t forget about her, while all this is going on, she was melting into the wall of dildos and masturbation tools that her doped up mind and sperm inside just couldn’t fathom to use. Normally I take it easy on the customer as I understand I’m catching them at an unusual time but this time I was pretty irritated considering I had somewhere to be that night. Katie is bouncing off the walls of dildos, and doped for two is face planting the wall of dildos. They really were two completely different drugs and two completely different types of people. These girls I can tell you right now wanted us, and wanted us to think about them in sexual ways. Possibly would have slept with us for a little bit of money or possibly another bottle of rum. Oh, I completely forgot to mention these girls were smashed, not just pills but they were "dranking it up" as well. I apologize for the late mentioning of this, I did say they were from Dundalk and the ones name is doped for two. Self explanatory. Doped for two btw who is a very quite character in this, is a prego chick who is all fucked up. I can only imagine little Kevin Jr is inside her belly just as high as Daddy sending his prego girlfriend to the liquor store. So after 15 min of walking around and into things, knocking things over and hoping their looks would save them from leaving without a penis pencil topper, which I can tell you did not work. They managed to slime out of the store before 10:30pm, and finally I could close the store. Who woulda thought these girls would have crossed our path and made it to "porn shop stories".

CPCF- Is This...?

CPCF- Is This…?

I’m not sure why 411 gives people Love Lips number to people but it’s quite amusing some people’s reaction.

The phone rang and I walked from outside of the fish bowl inside and hit the ‘Talk’ button and I said, “Hello, this is Love Lips, can I help you?”

“What is this?” the lady said in a thick Dundalk accent.

“Love Lips?”

“I-I’m sorry I really can’t understand you”

“Love-Lips” I said each syllable as clearly as I could.

“Nope….still can’t hear you; this is supposed to be Giant, the super market”

I sighed and said, “Ma’am you have the wrong number, this is L-o-v-e L-i-p-s, the Adult Novelty Store”

“Ooooohhhh!” She said like I had finally decided to speak English after speaking foreign language a few times. I shook my head. “I just called 411 and this is the number they gave me. I wonder why they gave me your number” She said confused and huffy.

“You’d be surprised at how many times we get phone calls from wrong 411 connections. Sorry about that”

“It’s all good, have a nice day” She said.

“You too” I said. I hung up the phone and waited for the call back. Usually we get 2-3 calls from the same person because the 411 people apparently don’t get the message that they are giving their customers the same number over again. But luckily I didn’t have to have another awkward conversation that day. Though let’s be honest, if you could buy your groceries AND dildo’s all at the same place, it would definitely be convenient!

Hash Anyone?

Hash Anyone?

Besides people thinking that the Weed Card Game we have in the glass case is real weed this was an interesting story that happened few months ago in the Summer time that I thought you guys would find equally amusing.

It was a very hot day and I was lucky to have AC in the little shop-o-toys. It was already climbing up to 80 degrees and it was only a little after 10 in the morning. I was looking outside at the bright day wondering how ungodly hot it was going to be when I got home when a young guy walked into the store. He had to be in his 20’s and was wearing a wife-beater tank with long shorts that really could have been considered pants but he looked like a normal looking guy even if he was dressed semi-wigger-ish. I said brightly, “Good morning, if I can help you with anything let me know, ok?”

“Thanks” He said very politely, “I’m just looking at your glass products” He walked over to the case and looked into the window at the ‘water pipes’ and ‘tobacco’ products.

I personally don’t find everyone’s fascination with getting high but it’s something that half the country does to cope with today’s stressful life-style. To each their own, right?

“Is this all you got in tobacco products?”

“Yup”

“Oh, well that’s alright, I stopped smokin’ a while ago, it just got old, ya know?”

I nodded, not really sure what to say because I couldn’t claim to understand because I had never smoked, not even cigarettes.

“It’s so hot out today, you don’t mind if I hang out here for a second do ya?”

“Nope, go ahead” I said casually, I couldn’t blame him for wanting to suck up some cold air before going back out into the heat. We made small talk, I’m sad to report that I don’t remember what we talked about but we talked for a good 10 minutes and eventually we ran out of things to talk about.

“Well, thanks for the air, have a great day, Ms.”

I smiled and said, “Thanks for keeping me company, have a great day”

“You too now” He opened the Love Lips door and then before he walked through it he turned to say, “Before I go, I wanted to ask you one more thing”

“Yes?” I was confused as to what he could possibly have left to ask, maybe our hours? Oh was I sadly wrong.

“Do you need any hash?”

Hash? Studiously? Ugh…So he was making nice talk so he could eventually ask the main question he had, did I want to buy marijuana…I smiled very tightly and said, “No I don’t smoke that…thank you.”

“Oh, alright, have a good day” And with that he swept from the Love Lips building looking as casual as could be. I would’ve never suspected someone like him to be a dealer but then again this is Dundalk, it takes all kinds, right?

Short and Not so Sweet Stories Part III: Yo Cheap Porn

Good Monday evening everyone! I am pleased to announce that (M) is working on one final blog post for you all and hopefully will be posted within the next two weeks, so keep an eye on the blog! Tonight however I have another addition to the Short and Not so Sweet series. Enjoy!

Short and Not so Sweet Stories Part III:

Yo Cheap Porn

This happened before the fish bowl and before (M) had left. It was the ending of my shift and I was very anxious to leave, it had been a long aggravating day and I was tired of being in the store and waiting for (M) to count out when a very large and tattooed boisterous wigger yo boy sauntered into the store and said very loudly to us, “Where yo cheap porn at?”

“Our cheapest porn is $19.95”

“No it’s not” He said in a very ‘woman puh-lease’ tone, “Last time I was in here yo all had $4.00 porno’s right here” He pointed at the counter like he was holding a gun, all wigger-like.

I glared at him, all my patience gone in one moment of the pure ridiculous-ness of it all, “We stopped carrying them about a month ago”

Apparently my tone was very terse because he looked me up and down slowly and raised a freshly manicured eyebrow, “Damn girl, you actin’ like I wronged you or some shit!” He walked away shaking his head as he sauntered over to the DVD racks still muttering to himself.

I said quietly to (M), “I can’t help that my idiot filter is broken today” and of course at that exact moment the man in question knocked over an entire row of DVD’s all over the floor.

I looked over at him and he raised his hands in the air and said angrily, “Damn! It wasn’t my fault, yo! Y-You got these stacked up all jacked, yo”

If I heard one more ‘yo’ out of his chubby mouth I was going to throw a vibrating power bullet at his forehead. I said, “Night (M), I hope you have a good night” I ignored Sir Wigger still muttering angrily about whatever as I left the store and all but ran to the freedom of my car. Some day’s are just more annoying than others, the only up side? They make good short and sometimes long stories!

CPCF- Are You Busy?

CPCF- Are You Busy?

That’s right! We have a CPCF Update!!!! The beginning of this month started off to a great start with fresh stories and has kept me busy after hours writing them for your enjoyment!

This was on a Thursday when my throat felt like it was on fire and I felt like crap. It was before we even opened. I had literally just disarmed the alarm and set my stuff down when the phone rang. I tested my voice and I still had one at this time but not much of one. So I pushed the ‘Talk’ button and said, “Hello, Love Lips?”

“What did you say?”

“I said, hello you’ve reached Love Lips?” I said a little more loudly which caused my throat to protest in pain.

“Oh! Now I hear you. How are you doing?” The man on the other line said with a small chuckle.

“I’m doing alright, you?” I said to be polite, my voice was starting to get hoarse from talking too loud.

“Oh I just got over a bad cold, it was terrible. I felt absolutely horrible.” He rattled on.

My patience was wearing thinner than usual because I was feeling ill and I also had a sinking feeling that this was one of my regular phone call freaks who jacked off when I talked to them. So I said as formally as I could, “Do you have a business question for me?”

“It sounds like you’re getting over a cold yourself too” He said in an overly friendly tone.

“Yup, can I help you with something?” I said in a tied tone.

I have a deal for ya…” He said with a faux sexy voice.

“Excuse me??” I said, all patience gone from my voice.

“You got a boyfriend?”

Now I was done, my idiot filter was gone so I said in a tone of ice without meaning to, “I don’t believe that’s any of your business”

“Oh......”

“Now do you have a real question for me?” My tone never left the Atlantic region.

“Um….yeah hon, how much are your rings?”

“They start at $7.95 and up, you ask me this at least once a week and the answer is never going to change”

“O-Oh…”

Before he had a chance to say anything else I hung up on him. I later felt bad for being so short on the phone but then realized; why should I? All he ever does is waste my time.

Short and Not so Sweet Stories: Part II Shoes

Short and Not so Sweet Stories: Part II

Shoes?

Sadly every time I hear the word “shoes” I think of that scary you tube video of the guy dressed up as a girl named “Kelly” who sung a hauntingly weird song called “Shoes”. Just remembering it makes me sad inside. But this thankfully is not scary like that you tube video.

I was working late one night to cover (M) who was stuck at his other job when a young woman walked in, she was wearing a pound of make-up and had her hair up in that ugly top of the head messy bun that I see all the time in Dundalk, it really is not attractive. I didn’t have to guess she was a ‘dancer’ but I played ignorant just in case the off chance she wasn’t a ‘dancer’, “Good evening, can I help you find something?” Her eyes were sweeping the lingerie section expectantly.

“Do you guys have shoes?” As in stripper heels.

“No, sadly, we don’t have them anymore” I made an apologetic face.

“Nooooo!!!” She said in a drawn out tiny squeaky voice. She pouted a little as she said, “Alright, thanks”

“Sorry, have a good night”

“Night” She said to me and then threw open the door and yelled, very un-lady like, at the person waiting in the car, “THEY DON’T HAVE FUCKING SHOES!!!”

The person in the car said something I couldn’t hear and she replied, “I know, right!?” The door finally closed on the rudeness but I was laughing quietly to myself because the term “fucking shoes” could be taken more than one way. People really don’t think about what they say sometimes, oh well! It makes for good stories like these, right? LOL

Good-bye to our one and only (M)

I am sad to announce that our beloved (M) has left us due to family concerns and I may or may not have anything to update from his famous Chronicle chapters, keep in tune just in case he decides to write one last story for us. We love and will miss you (M)!!!

The Eyes of Horus

The Eyes of Horus

Remember how I asked what happened to the good ole’ days when crazy stuff happened day-to-day and I wished it was like that again so I had a story for you every day? My wish was granted!! This next story happened last week and I almost forgot to write about it until I re-read Face Book posts during the time I was sick. I was really too sick to think straight let alone write a coherent blog post. But this was a winner of a story.

I was starting to get super sick at this point, I was eating a lot of vitamin C and sucking on cough drops like it was my job when a younger gentleman who was definitely round in the middle reign came into the store. He looked like he pried himself away long enough from the computer RPG to throw on last week’s shorts and ratty T-Shirt to come into the store. He sauntered up to the register (before I was in a fish bowl) and said, “Hey how ya doin?”

“Pretty good, what can I help you with?”

“Yeah, can I get a 50 count of the Best Whip’s?”

Nitro must help play video games, hmm. “Ok, anything else?”

“Oh and a balloon”

“Color preference?”

“Nah, any color will due”

I picked up a blue one and a box of nitro without dropping them all over the floor, I’ve done that at least twice so far, it’s a pain in the ass. As I put them into a bag and told him his total. As he handed me the money he saw the tattoo’s on my hand.

“Oh wow did you really get your hands tattooed?”

“Yup” Nope, my two assistants draw them on every morning and are on call if I need touch-ups.

“Wow, I thought that tattoos on the hands get distorted and faded after a year or so because the hand moves so much” He looked at me like a wide-eyed three year old as he flexed his hand in a demonstration of what would cause my tattoo to fade.

“Well I’ve had mine for 3 years and they still look good. I think it depends on who does them and the design. I’ve seen some older hand tattoos that look great”

“Ah…cool. I was thinking about getting a tattoo but I have so many ideas”

I smiled at him and handed him his bag.

“Oh wow you have them on both hands! What is that symbol called the eye of…”

“The Eye of Horus. The left eye is the Eye of Horus and the right is the Eye of Ra. Together they can be called the Eyes of Ma’at, it just depends on the story teller”

“Wow so you know a lot about the mythology then?” He leaned to one side looking at me curiously.

“All of my tattoo’s are for a religious reason”

“Are you Egyptian?”

“No, I’m from South America, Chile and I’m Pagan”

“Oohh cool! So does that mean that when you put your fists together you get super powers and transform and stuff like Shhwwinngg Zzzuuup Poooof” He made obscure transformation noises on top of the already horrible ones he started making at first.

I was kind of glad I couldn’t see into his mind and see what kind of outfit and transformation pose he gave me. I laughed and said truthfully, “I wish, that’d be great!”

He smiled unsure if I was serious or not and said, “Whelp, thanks a lot!” and sauntered out of the store.

Come on let’s face it, if putting my fists together caused me to transform and kick ass really happened, that would be AWESOME!

Carpet Bag

Good Evening my Fellow Followers! Did you miss me? I missed you! I apologize for being AWOL for such a long time. If you haven’t checked in for a while, the first addition to the ‘Short but Not so Sweet’ story I explained that things at Love Lips have become hairy, and not in a vaginal kind of way. The story I explained before was that our very own (M) was robbed at knife point. Then, our other employee Katrina was robbed at knife point as well 2 hours after my shift ended on a Saturday. We were blessed that neither of them were hurt during either robbery and they are both still working for us. Due to two robberies back-to-back, our warehouse decided that we needed more protection. What kind of protection you ask? Sadly, it wasn’t a kick ass beef cake man with sun glasses acting as a bouncer at our front door named Hanz. Each cashier is now placed behind a giant plexi-glass barrier that I fondly call our “fish bowl”. All we need is an obelisk that explains the eating habits, mating habits, and place of natural origin for each employee that is working and we’d be like a zoo display! All joking aside, it really is ghastly and quite unbecoming for our newly painted and nice looking store, but safety is priority after two of the employees of our store were threatened, I just wish it didn’t mean we were now very impersonal to regular customers. But listen to me babbling on, lately I’ve had so many new stories to write so let me not keep you from reading the main story. Keep an eye on us because I’m back and will be updating the rest of the week and on! Thank you for sticking with me so far!

Carpet Bag

That’s right I said it, carpet bag. Who thought people still carried such a bag, I thought only Mary Poppins did, but today a scruffy-looking man walked into the store with one. It looked like a very old carpet bag stuffed with as much as it could possibly hold as it was bulging out the sides and poking into his stomach. I said through the giant ‘fish bowl’, “Hi, how are you?” He didn’t respond and continued to power walk towards the back door where the warehouse guys were power-sawing pieces to finish the ‘fish bowl’ out in the back, so I yelled, “Sir! There is nothing back there!” Even if there were booths back there you would’ve had to pay to go back there, dude. I thought to myself as I frowned at him.

“Oh! You guys really changed things!” He said very quickly as he spun around on his heel and stormed out of the store.

I was a little steamed because he was the second whacko we had that morning but that was only the beginning of my story with him.

*~*~*~*An hour later*~*~*~*

Carpet bag man comes storming back into the store and walks over to where I am behind my plexi-glass bowl and says flustered, “I need to use your phone, right now”

Blink.

“I’m serious; I need to use your phone! Someone at my house is threatening my life and I need to talk to the police right now!”

I was feeling rather rebellious to allowing him to use our phone but I begrudgingly walked over to the phone and then handed it to him while he got sassier by the minute as I took my time.

I wish I could’ve heard the dispatcher on the other line because the conversation that followed was quite interesting:

“Hello yes I would like to report a—My name? My name is Harold Jenkins and I am trying to tell you that there is a woman at my house threatening my life and will not let me into the house I pay for and live in. Her name is Lakesha Adams. Yes. No I’m not there, are you crazy?!”

Maybe…?

“No I will NOT go back there! The woman is threatening my life! Are you nuts?! Where am I calling from? I don’t know! I walked down to the department center near my house because it’s a safe distance from the house! What’s the store called? I don’t think it really matters, what matters is can you help me?”

Fair point…I wouldn’t want to call the police with a crazy woman threatening me at a stab-able distance.

“Aren’t you listening to me???? She is threatening-MY-LIFE!!! I will NOT go back to that house while she’s inside of it, can you please send someone to the house to meet me there so I can at least get my things out of there safely??” He paused as the person on the other end talked and his voice went up two octaves, “Are you serious?! You wouldn’t help me last night and now you won’t help me today? Don’t my tax payers dollars pay for you people to help us?!?! I am NOT going back to that house while my personal safety is being threatened by a crazy person!!!”

They argued a little bit more and I lost a little respect for our system, unless this poor man called often for spousal abuse and it posed to be false I don’t see why they couldn’t send someone out to make sure the guy could gather some clean underwear safely without having scissors jabbed into his neck. I didn’t hear the last few words he spat into our phone before turning it off and throwing it down on the counter and leaving my store without a “thank you”. Now the question is; did anyone hear about a stabbing or shooting of a man in Dundalk this evening?