My Wife Isn't Home

My Wife Isn’t Home

Thankfully this post is NOT about my wife, she may not be home currently but she will be after she gets of work. This is an interesting story about a customer I dealt with today. Honestly it’s not really funny, and it’s more of a documentation of what just happened to me a few hours ago. I sometimes forget Dundalk will never cease to amaze me because just when I think I’ve seen/heard it all, someone walks thru the door to make me go ‘W-T-F just happened’? For example, here’s what happened today;

It was a quiet Wednesday. My shift was coming to a close in just a little over an hour when a young African American man walked into the store. He was wearing a red and black checkered hoodie that had spades on it. I stood up from sitting and said, “Hi how are you today?”

“Terrible” He said flatly.

This response momentarily blocked my usual answer of, “Good, if I can help you find something just let me know”. I was not used to people being honest with me about how they really were. Upon further inspection I noticed this guy was dead serious. His pug like eyes (the only humorous thing about this encounter) swept the floor as he said, “My wife left me. She didn’t come home last night.” Again, I was left speechless and I really couldn’t think of what to say to him so I fidgeted with things behind the counter. He walked up to the fish bowl and asked, “Where are your women’s panties?”

Trying to not think about how pug like his eyes were and how I knew this was going to be a tense experience I said calmly, “What size is she?”

“Small” He said miserably.

“Over there,” I pointed to the biggest wall of ladies panties we had, “They’re all priced and sized on the tags.” I was NOT leaving the fish bowl to help him search for a small size because he didn’t look like he was stable.

“Why does a woman leave her husband?” He said loudly. I blinked, again not sure if I should try to respond or just leave him be. Before I could decide anything he started to say in a raised voice, “She just won’t come home! WHY does a WIFE not come home to her husband?! She’s MY WIFE!” He repeated this over and over to the panties in front of him before he picked a black thong with tiny hearts all over it. He shuffled to the counter and put the panties in the turn style. I was kind of curious as to why he was buying a thong when the woman in question clearly was not at home and probably would never wear them from the sounds of it. But, it’s not my place to judge so I turned the style and rang up the panties. I read him his total and he said loudly to me or no one, “I don’t know why I’m buying this; it’s like buying underwear for no one anyway”

“Do you still want it….?” I wasn’t going to force him to buy it but he said nothing and just stared at me so I eventually rang him up. As I rang him up he continued to ask over and over why his wife wouldn’t come home and what would possess a wife to not come home to her husband. As he ranted as I put the thong and his receipt into the bag before I twirled the turn style back to him.  As he turned to leave I said hopefully, “I hope your night gets better and I hope things work out for you.”

He turned very slowly around to face me with a look of pure disgust and anger, “How?”

I blinked, shrugged, and said, “Sometimes you just got to make the best of a horrible situation”

“No. You can’t ‘make’ anything better when your wife has LEFT you! She is my WORLD, without her I’m NOTHING. I should be dead right now. Dead.” I was now VERY uncomfortable and looked down because I could see no matter how positive I was trying to be he was always going to find a way to make the situation worse. “She’s my LIFE and she’s LEFT me….there’s no fixing that…..I should’ve DIED a long time ago…a long time ago….” With that haunting message he left the store blinking back tears.

I was left feeling a menagerie of feelings; 1) Thankful, that he didn’t get physical with the plexi-glass cage. Cuz for a moment in there he looked like he was going to start throwing stuff with how disgusted he was with me telling him to try to have a good night. 2) Grateful, that he didn’t physically hurt himself in front of me. Also, I am very grateful no one else came into the store while he was here because that would’ve been SUPER awkward for another customer to be exposed to that without the protective cage. 3) Hope, that he DOESN’T do anything stupid now that he’s gone to do whatever he was headed to do.

So, I apologize that this entry was intense but I haven’t posted anything in a long time and I thought it was worthy of a post. Cuz let’s face it; it’s not something you get every day at a retail store, let alone a porn store! Let’s hope someone fun comes in soon to wash away this one, yeah? Oi to the vey!

CPCF- Mumbles the Creeper

CPCF-Mumbles the Creeper

 

I told you I would be back for another Crazy Phone Call Friday, and I kept my promise! So, from the title you can see I had a creeper encounter, though I think that’s a moot point because most of these entries are about one form of a creeper or another. But this guy totally wins the title as a creeper. Thankfully this creeper was just on the phone and not in person. I think if I had seen him in real life and had to have this conversation while looking at him I might have vomited in the trashcan that has a hole at the bottom of it. But now I’m just rambling….So here’s the story, fresh off the press;

I was working on an image in Photoshop to pass the time here at Love Lips when the phone rang. It had been a quiet morning, so as I hit the green ‘Talk’ button I tried to muster as much pep into my voice as I could, and failed horribly, “Love Lips, how can I help you?” I said in neutral voice.

The man on the other end was whisper-talking like he was either out of breath or trying not to be heard, “Yes, hello, do you have _______?”

I blinked, not having ANY clue what he just said, I don’t even know how to translate what I heard here on the computer for you because it was that inaudible. So, to bullshit my way through this creepy voice phone call, I said, “No we don’t carry that”

“You don’t have ________?” He repeated, again in an inaudible voice when he said the item in question.

“No” I said flatly, I was still deciding if this was the one guy that likes to call and ask prices of things for 15 minutes just to waste my time.

“Well then do you have ___________?” Again, his voice was clear enough, in his creepy whisper, until he said the name of what he was looking for.

Now I was getting frustrated so I said, “No we don’t have that either”, hoping he’d say ‘Oh ok’ and that would be the end of our creepy conversation. Of course I wouldn’t have that kind of luck the time I wished for it.

“Do you even know what I’m talking about?” He said in his raspy creepy whisper voice.

“Um not really, but I would think if I carried it I would’ve known what you were referring to”

“Ok…do you carry the Jesse Jane male masturbator?” His voice of course got more breathless as he said this.

“No we sadly don’t carry that one” I said, we get asked that often but they’re just too expensive.

“Do you carry the ________ porn star masturbator?” He said in another overly breathless voice.

“No we do not, we don’t carry any porn star masturbators we only have standard looking vagina masturbators.” I felt my patience wearing thin as my voice got very flat and matter-of-fact.

“Alright, where are you located?” Creepy asked. I REALLY didn’t want to tell him but we’re a business and I had to. So as I tried to pray he never find the location I said where we were located in Dundalk and he said, “Do you have any ________?”

I felt the last nerve I had for this creepy man fizz out with a loud crackle and said in a snappy tone, “Listen, you either need to speak up or speak more clearly cuz I can barely hear you!” I was done playing his little game and hoped if he was jacking off I just killed his buzz.

“Do you have glory holes?” He said more clearly, though sadly still with his creepy whisper voice.

“No we don’t have viewing booths” I said flatly, I could feel the anger staring to rise like a snake in the back of my mind.

“Well, do you still have glory holes?” Creepy insisted.

“If we don’t have viewing booths we’re not going to have glory holes, so no, we don’t” I said, the anger now bleeding into my tone of voice.

“Are you getting a tone with me young lady?” Creepy said in an extra creepy yet somehow annoyed voice.

“As a matter of fact I am, you’re now asking inappropriate questions and are being rather creepy about it. So do you have any other business questions?” I was DONE with this conversation. He mumbled something on the other line that I couldn’t here so I said very clearly, “Excuse me?”

“Shave your pussy” He said in his creepy voice.

I could feel my eye twitch as my voice slid through my teeth, “Excuse me, what did you just say?”

“Shave your pussy…..it’s hairy…..” He said in his super creepy voice, dead pan with no emotion.

“Alrighty, we’re done with this pointless conversation, good bye” I hung up.

Thankfully he did NOT call back and I am praying he DOESN’T come in. If he does, I don’t know what I would do. I feel like he would start licking the window or jerking off in front of me. A little extreme of me to think….but you didn’t hear his voice. I really wish I could’ve found a way to record it because he had a voice from a woman’s worst nightmare, no joke.

CPCF-Black Area

CPCF-Black Area

 

Hello my lovely SfaPS Followers! This is super exciting for me, I dunno about you guys but it feels like forever since I’ve written anything new. I was getting scared Love Lips was turning me too cynical to find anything humorous about some of the special encounters I have. But this week has proven to me that it’s not me, there just weren’t any good stories to write about. As I write this now I have to admit I am forming a theory; the crazies seem to come out of the wood work after summer. Why? They no longer can creep outside because it’s just too cold. Granted it’s not too cold yet here in Maryland but it’s almost Fall and I guess the weirdo’s are prepping me for all the crazies that are to come later on in the season.

Since it’s been so slow in the writing department I have been bringing the computer to work to work on the logo for the craft store I own with a few friends on Etsy. Today wasn’t any different; I was working hard to get our logo made in Photoshop. It was a relatively quiet day and as the afternoon rolled around the phone rang. Sighing as I released the mouse I picked up the receiver and hit the ‘talk’ button and said, “Love Lips, how can I help you?”

“Hi there, I was wondering if you had viewing booths?” A man’s voice said over the phone in a very pleasant tone.

This was a frequently asked question as of late and I was sad to say, “No, I’m sorry we don’t have viewing booths anymore.”

“Do you know of any other locations that do?” He said; it was a very common question once they realized we didn’t have them in our store anymore.

 “Our sister store on Rossville Blvd does, lemme give you their number” I read Rossville’s number to him and after a slight pause from his end I expected the conversation to be coming to an end. I was actually getting ready to say ‘have a nice day’ when he said, “Do you know if they have glory holes….?” He said timidly.

“I’m not sure” I said honestly, Rossville had been inspected a few months ago and usually when that happens the “glory holes” get covered up because it’s technically illegal to have sex in the booths because it’s borderline prostitution.

“Well, do you know if it’s a ‘black area’?” He said plainly.

If music was playing it would’ve ripped right here. Did he really just ask if it was a black area? My first thought was that he was racist and I do NOT tolerate such bigotry so I said in a heated tone, “I…um…wow…This is America, so I would assume there might possibly be black people that go to that store but I really don’t know if it’s considered a ‘black area’. I haven’t worked there in over 2 years so I’m not familiar with the cliental.”  Seriously, who did this guy think he was? I’m not black and I find that question offensive!

There was a decent pause on his end before he said, “Oh, ok….well I was just asking because I just recently had my first black man experience and would like to have it again so do you know if there are a lot of black men that go to that location?” His tone of voice was neutral as if I didn’t just kind of yell at him.

I had to bite my tongue. I felt silly for not realizing he meant he was looking for a black man to have sex with, he wasn’t racist. But, after working in Dundalk I had come across my fair share of racist people. On the flip side I was even more annoyed he didn’t listen to anything I just said, as I breathed in to answer him all I could think was; I swear to God, people don’t listen to what I say, I might as well be talking to a wall, But thankfully I tapped my inner bitch down enough to say, “Sir, as I said before; I haven’t worked there in over TWO years so I am NOT familiar with the cliental. You’ll have to call Rossville and ask because I do not know.”

“Do you think they’ll know if black guys go back there a lot?” He asked.

I felt my stress eye twitch kick in, “You will have to call Rossville, ok? I don’t work at that location.”

FINALLY it sunk in that I DIDN’T know if there was a hot black man waiting to screw him in the viewing booth area and he said, “Alright”

Before he could ask me again if I knew anything about the white to black ratio of the viewing booths in Rossville I said, “Have a good day” and hung up.

I feel like today’s story deserves a ‘moral of the story’ line but after writing this my eye is twitching so badly I am just going to say this; if you are asking a question that involves a person of a different color….if you can’t think of a respectful way to ask….DON’T ASK! I completely believe color doesn’t matter, we’re all human beings but that doesn’t mean some of the words that fall out of your mouth can be understood by everyone.

Short and Not so Sweet: Part V Rhinestones

Short and Not so Sweet Stories: Part V

Rhinestones

Wow it’s getting a little depressing with not having anything fun currently. I am hoping that the crazies pick up soon so I have more stories to write for you all. But, tonight, as promised I DO have a story for you!!!I wrote this back when the pink computer was still alive and things were fun. I don’t know how this one slipped and hasn’t been posted yet…Better late than never, right? I hope you enjoy this fun-filled entry starting right now……

I know I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again because it’s becoming true, every time I have the pink computer in my lap and I am working on a story for the blog something crazy happens and I have to start a new story all over again. Like today, I’ve written 3 stories back-to-back because each time I start one another good event happens. Whew! I’m just glad to have something to write about again, how about you guys? Anyway! I was writing when the Love Lips door jingled and I quickly folded up the computer and stood up to smile at the older woman who came into the store. She had to be in her late 50’s and had the coolest eye make-up ever. It was green with gold that blended nicely in the middle of her eye lid and then another completely different shade of color above. I LOVE layering my eye shadow so she was a welcomed eye shadow idea. “If I can help you with anything, let me know” I smiled at her.

“Thanks hon” She smiled and then focused her attention to the lingerie section and mainly looked through the panties that were hanging up. After a long pause in which she looked closely at a pair in undies with little rhinestone hearts on it she came up to the glass and said, “Hey hon—oh, can yo hear me?”

This is a common question and sometimes a good question. You don’t realize just how quite people talk until you’re behind glass. “Yes ma’am”

“Oh good.” She smiled and then said, “Are these all the panties you have?”

“Yes ma’am they are”

“Oh...” She said more to herself and then said a little louder, “Oh…well that’s not good”

“Ma’am?” I said confused.

“Ya see my husband came in here during Valentine’s Day and claims to have gotten me a pair of panties from this location. I’m sure you’ve seen him in here before”

I got scared thinking she was going to drill me into remembering one man of the MANY I rang up for thongs and lingerie during the Valentine’s week cuz there was NO WAY I was going to remember. But she said, “At least he swears he came to this very location and got me a thong with rhinestones on it.”

I just blinked and nodded, what else was I supposed to say?

“I know he’s lyin’ though because the thong is missing rhinestones on it and it had lint on it like it had been washed” She said in a suspicious tone. “So they must be used. It just means he’s runnin’ around on me again” She sighed.

“I’m sorry…” I felt really bad for her, no one should be lied to.

“Yeah I mean he thinks he’s gotten away with it this time. Cuz you know this isn’t the first time this has happened to me. But the lint just proves it” She said solemnly.

I kinda wanted to point out that it was probably a good idea he washed them but she seemed set in her thinking and said before I could speak, “Well, have a good day hon”

“You too……” I said a little at a loss for words.

I dunno about you guys but I would hope if my wife bought me panties that were hanging up and not packaged, she would wash them before I wore them because people touch everything and you dunno where those fingers have been…Also, if you’re wondering if your man is cheating on you, the lint proves everything! Who knew?

CPCF- Hours

CPCF-Hours

Hours? What about hours? Well every store has them, those pesky hours that certain establishments choose to force employees to drag themselves into work and start the day filled with grubby retail consumers. So naturally you get the occasional phone call for the person who doesn’t look on line for something as simple as your work hours. I understand not everyone in the world has internet or has access on their phone so calling to double check is perfectly fine. It’s usually the quickest and most painless phone call a retail person can have because it consists of; the customer calls and asks what your hours are and you tell them, and then they usually say thank you and hang up if they don’t have any other questions. This seems simple, yes? I used to think so but apparently here in the crack of Maryland called Dundalk it’s really NOT that simple. Let me explain…

It was an early morning and I was getting the paper work ready for the day when the phone rang. I put the pen down and reached for the phone. After taking in a collective breath just in case it was a difficult phone call I hit the green ‘Talk’ button and said, “Good morning, Love Lips, how can I help you?”

“What is this?” A man sounding in his early 30’s said.

I sighed…it never mattered how much of a delay I gave, or how slow and clear I talked, I ALWAYS was asked what the store was, “This is Love Lips the Adult Novelty Store” I said in as much of a neutral tone as I could.

“Oh good, I was just wondering what your hours were” He said in a chipper voice.

“Monday through Saturday we’re opened from 9:30 am to 10 pm. On Sunday we’re open from 11 am to 6 pm.”

“Oh great, I didn’t know you were open on Sunday’s! That’s great….” There was a pause before he said, “So what are your weekday hours?”

I blinked, I really thought saying Monday through Saturday included the weekday hours but apparently saying we were open the same hours on Saturday threw him off so I said in a clear, possibly irritated tone, “Monday through Friday” I made a point to emphasize on Friday because Friday ends a week and he apparently needed to hear that, “…we are open from 9:30 in the morning to 10 o’clock at night. On Saturday we’re open from 9:30 am to 10 at night. Sunday we’re open at 11am and close at 6pm” I said all this slowly and as clearly as I could.

“Oh…ok so on the weekdays you’re open at 9:30 and close at 10pm?” He made it sound like I was saying it wrong because his voice got crisp at the point he said ‘weekdays’.

I glared at the plexi-glass frame and said through pinched lips. “Yes sir…” Yay! You get a gold star, precious!

“Okay! Thanks” He hung up.

I stared at the phone after I hung up still not sure that really happened. I didn’t think the first way I said it was confusing but apparently in Dundalk even the most simple task requires a map and hand puppets….even if you’re just telling someone when you open and close.

Do Not Tap on the Glass!!!

Well lookie here, it’s another Do Not Tap on the Glass entry! It has made another appearance on this fine Blog! You might not remember this section of my blog but I started it shortly after the plexi-glass ‘cage’ aka the ‘fish bowl’ was erected *no pun intended* here at the fine establishment of Love Lips. For those of you who are wondering what it the purpose of this entry it’s quite simple; thanks to the dumber population I have a whole new section to create and write about what it’s like being that person behind one of these fine claustrophobic mechanisms. Tada! Alright then, without further ado here we go……

#1- Things That Make You Go ‘Wow, Really?’-Oh Dundalk you never fail to prove how dumb you make your people……

It was a Wednesday afternoon when I was putting stock away, my arms so full of product I was keeping it all contained with holding things with my chin. Why was I acting like I was in the circus? We have no shelf space so it’s all a balancing act, really. Anyway! The Love Lips jingle sounded a customer and I moved carefully to look at the door and the new person, “Hi, how are you?”

“Wow this is new” She ogled the plexi-glass cage and I grunted as I quickly put product on already full pegs so I could have a free hand to get new pegs for the product. “When did you guys put this up?”

“Sometime at the end of last year” I said flatly.

“Wow…” She tapped on the glass and thinking she needed something I turned to face her, hands finally free and she looked up at the signs Bethany posted that clearly say, “Please Do NOT Tap on Glass”. She threw her hands up in the air and whipped around to face me and said, Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I didn’t see the sign there! I’m sorry!”

It’s either no one apologizes or this happens, I can’t win!

#2- My Favorite Color is Clear!!! FYI; The Glass We Have IS Clear…

It was a slow day when a biker looking chick waltzed into Love Lips and said in a smoker voice, “Hey hon!”

“Hi, if you need any help let me know, ok?” I like when customers are casual, not too weird or too crazy, it always makes for a good day.

“Yeah you got any ‘tobacco’ products?” She used her fingers to make the quotations for the word ‘tobacco’ cuz let’s face it no one really uses any ‘tobacco’ product for tobacco. Well I’m sure some people do but you know what I mean!

The ironic part? She was standing right in front of it. “Yeah it’s in the glass case in front of you” Sadly there really was no other way to say it without sounding like a bitch, I felt bad…until…

“Oh! Duh!” She knocked her head with the palm of her hand to indicate she had a sense of humor and then promptly leaned over and SMASHED her head into the plexi-glass so hard the entire cage swayed a little.

“Oh my—Are you ok??” Let me tell you something, it was pretty damned hard not to laugh.

“Yeah…I should’ve remembered there was glass there”

Yeah…honest mistake, it is clear and all……

#3- I Saw the Sign…and It Didn’t Open Up My Eyes…

Ahhh, Ace of Base, the questionable 90’s band that produced, and really was only famous for its one catchy song called “I saw the sign”. I knew one day this song would work its way into my blog, I mean how could it not?

While I was silent for a good length of time I grew rapidly angrier each time a customer asked if we had been robbed because the glass was put up. Besides the obvious fact of; it was once not here and then was….and its main purpose is to protect the person behind it. It also was NOT designed to be aesthetically pleasing to the eye….so what else would it have been built for? My first thought would be that the store was robbed, but that’s just me. Apparently the imagination only stretches so far for the inbreed stock of Dundalk’s finest human beings, so  for almost half a year I would have to nod and explain that we were in fact robbed twice, no one was hurt, the robbers were not caught by the police, and that this all happened last year. So in a fit of rage after the 456434405235689865 person asked me if we were robbed, I hung a sign by the register for people to read as they waited for me to check their purchases out. The sign reads; YES, the glass cage you see in front of you IS new. It was put up sometime in late November last year. YES, we were robbed; this was not added because it looks charming. NO, no one was hurt. Thanks for your concern. ~Management.

Now some of you may think that the sign is a little harsh because it is human nature to ask questions and some people really don’t understand the purpose of the glass cage so why word it like that? Imagine if you will, that  literally, every single person who walked through the front door asked you about the glass cage…AND every single day you worked it was the same questions and reactions. It would get kind of obnoxious and no longer funny, right? Well, I got to a point where I wanted to scream obscenities and tell them they were ass-hats because why else would we have glass if it wasn’t a dangerous area?! So, I thought the sign was safer. Anywho, I promise there is a story behind this so without further ado here we go;

 I was thinking to myself that I needed to update the blog soon and the perfect couple walked through the Love Lips door just the other day. A very pasty pale man who looked like he was in his 30’s with acne that was almost classic nerd movie style came into my fine establishment arm in arm with a very curvy but good looking African American woman. I thought it was an odd pair only because he looked like he was missing his coke bottle glasses and suspenders while she was normal looking. So I chalked it up to he must be a great person and looks didn’t matter to her. As they looked around she kept pulling her yoga pants tighter around her butt so you could see her butt crack in the pants. I had to blink the crack out of my eyes a few times because she would walk around with her hand above her butt holding the fabric to accent the crack. She was an attractive woman but why she thought making the yoga pants show her crack was a good idea is still beyond me. But after a good 15 minutes they came to the register with a few things in hand. As we made polite conversation she looked at the sign on the glass and pointed it out to her boyfriend. He was giving me a hard time about asking for his ID to make sure the card name matched when she said to me after looking at the sign one more time, “You guys were robbed?” She had a very innocent and blank stare on her pretty face.

I was already feeling frustrated at his annoyance at being carded I looked up at her and smiled what I was sure a painful looking smile and said, “Yes…we were”

“Hunnie I don’t think the sign would be up if they weren’t robbed” He said gently.

“Well I had to check, cuz you never know if it’s true or not” she said matter-of-factly.

I kept the best forced smile I could on my face, “We were robbed twice”

“O-Ohhh…” She said in wonder as her boyfriend took his merchandise from the turn style.

“Have a great day guys” I said as they turned to leave. I heard her make the comment on it being weird that we were robbed and I still can’t figure out why someone would assume the sign was fake? Am I missing something? Oh well….It IS Dundalk after all….

CPCF- 'How Much' Comes Back

CPCF-‘How Much’ Comes Back

I told ya he’d end up back on the blog, didn’t I? Well for those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, last week on Crazy Phone Call Friday, I posted an entry called How Much? and I lamented at the end that he’d probably earn another spot in this blog because his phone call was a prank to amuse his immature need to annoy the working class. I was right! He’s called back 4 times since but only one conversation deserved another entry. I think he’s finally caught on that I don’t have time to play games with him so I haven’t heard from him in a while. But for your enjoyment here is the conversation I had with him recently that should give you a good laugh, maybe even an eye roll or two. Happy Friday Everyone!

It was a slow day and it was the middle of my shift when the phone rang and I put my Nook down and answered the phone, glad to be doing something other than sitting. “Love Lips, how can I help you?”

“Hi, how muh are your dildo’s?” A younger man asked over the phone.

I thought briefly that this sounded like the jackass that called me a week ago but I wasn’t going to jump to the offensive just in case it was someone who actually wasn’t just calling to annoy me. “They start out at $15.95 and go up from there”

“What’s the biggest dildo you have?” He asked excitedly.

Ok…maybe this was the same jackass…So my voice became flat and bored, “10 inches long”

“That’s your biggest dildo??” He asked like it was an extremely important question he was asking.

“Yes.” What is the point of this conversation ass-hat?

“I want the BIGGEST dildo you have because I want to shove it up my ass” He said matter-of-factly.

“That sounds fantastic; do you have any other questions?” I said in a clean even tone, he really was plucking my nerves.

“Nope! Thanks!” He hung up.

Well at least that proved my theory from last time, he’s a closet gay. There are so many other toys in the store he could’ve made a joke about but chose the anal way. Hmm I guess my Gaydar isn’t that broken after all.

CPCF-Laundry Store

CPCF-Laundry Store

Hey now! Look who remembered to post a Crazy Phone Call Friday post!! Meeeee!!!! How about them apples? I know, I have no life and I should remember to post more frequently because this blog sometimes helps give me hope that my job isn’t one of the most pointless jobs in America. But anyway! I have another good one for ya on this wonderful Friday…Enjoy!

I was working on another story in Microsoft Word when the phone rang, I folded the computer up and answered the phone, “Love Lips how can I help you?”

“Yeah this is the _____ laundry store?” I’m usually good with accents but this man had a very thick and mumble-filled Indian accent and I have no idea which laundry store he was asking about.

“No sir this is Love Craft the Novelty Store…” This is when people go ‘Oh my they gave me the wrong number, sorry hon’, but today wasn’t going to be one of those days…

“No this is ______ laundry store. 410- * * *- * * * *” He said firmly.

“Yes, that’s our number but this is an Adult Sore, called Love Craft…” I said in an equally firm tone.

“410- * * *- * * * * is laundry store!” He said again in a tempered tone.

“Sir, someone gave you the wrong number, this is a SEX store, NOT a laundry store!” I said very clearly and pointedly.

“O-Oh…” He said kin of slowly, I thought I had won the argument until he said again in a heated tone, “But the phone book says 410- * * *- * * * * is laundry store”

“Well then it must be a misprint because it’s the wrong number” How many more ways could I say we didn’t have big washers and dryers where people wash their unmentionables for a certain amount of money??

“Well then it must be printed wrong” He said matter-of-factly.

Didn’t I just say that? “I’m sorry but it is printed wrong”

“Ok” He said huffily.

“Have a good day” He hung up on me without another word. All I could think was it was only 10am and that a great way to start the day…NOT!

Turned 'Lesbian'

Turned ‘Lesbian’

There are many levels of crazy that I deal with at Love Lips. Very rarely does one hit my WTF-o-meter so hard I think the entire thing may break. But occasionally one person hits it hard enough that the conversation makes me feel so uncomfortable I just dunno what to do. So, with all that being said let me tell you what happened cuz I can’t be the only one who has heard this nauseating tale.

It was a quiet-ish Thursday and I was on the computer adding bits and pieces to my fiction novel, when I heard shuffling. This Thursday was a spring-like day and I had the door open to let in the nice weather so every little noise I hear I would check the door for customers. The door doesn’t jingle if it’s being held open so I have to keep my eyes peeled for potential customers. So, I look up and see a very elderly person shuffling into the store. Now I’m still not sure to this day if this person was male or female. It was really hard to tell because this person was wearing a short bobbed wig, she/he had a big pot belly and tiny boobs, big hands, none of which can help me identify which sex the person really was. (Disclaimer: I have NO problem with transgendered people. I actually know a couple and they are like anyone else so please don’t think I am judging) But for the story’s sake I’ll call this person a woman because that’ll just be easier. “Hi, how are you today?” I said as I stood up.

“Oh hi there” She said in a signature old lady voice.

“If I can help you find anything, let me know ok?” I smiled.

“Well, is this your number?” She shuffled closer and then leaned into the turn style and showed me a hand written piece of paper that had our location’s number and the name and location of our store.

“Yes, ma’am that is our number”

“Oh good, I was out driving today so I figured I’d stop by verses calling you.”

“Well thank you” I smiled again.

“It’s so nice out! I’m not goin’ home until I have to”

I smiled, “I know! It’s great out today, I wish it would stay this way” I laughed a little, why? I dunno. Maybe cuz I knew this was going to get awkward deep down inside.

She leaned down so she almost had her face in the turn style, like it was a microphone or something and said, “I usually go down to the one of 40, near that Joppa town. They have a Love Lips down that-a-ways and I always go there.”

I continued to smile, what was I supposed to say? Oh and at this point I realized something else that was wrong with her appearance, she had something on her nose. I thought it was possibly a booger but with further staring I realized it was white nose hair curled and sticking out of her nose. Quite disturbing!

“They all have the same kinda stuff like you do, movies, toys, clothes, and those…peep booths”

Now this is when I started to question if this was a man in drag cuz the policy is we do not let women back in the booths. But I hear certain stores don’t care however. Whatever, I let it go and said, “We actually no longer have the peep booths”

“O-oh!” She looked at the purple door that used to have booths, “You all ever gonna get’em back?”

“No ma’am. They didn’t make any money” Sad but true.

“Oh…well I like to go to the peep booths in Joppa. I like to get $5 worth of those gold coins they sell and go into those tiny little booths. I usually pop in a coin and then get my dildo out of my purse and just stick it in!”

Right now, my mind is screaming OHHH MY GOD NOOOO!!!! I don’t wanna think of how a bigger old lady fit into the booths let alone that old lady shoving ANYTHING in her private region!!!! AHH!!!!! But because someone loves me in Heaven the phone rang. “Excuse me real quick, ma’am” I answered the phone singing praise to the Lord in my head. Thankfully it was my wife was on the other line and we held a short conversation and agreed we were both having a ‘special day’ and when I got off the phone with my wife I spotted the old woman looking at all the toys we had. I kept an eye on her just in case Granny decided her fingers had glue and items belonged in her medium sized hot pink purse.

When she realized I was watching she pointed to a Basix slim 7” dildo and said excitedly, ‘This is the one I always carry! It’s my favorite”

“It’s a good brand…” This was gonna get awkward fast, I could feel it.

“I love it; it’s just the right size for me. I have tons and tons of dildo’s but this one feels the best inside. Cuz I’m really tight down there.”

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God make it stop!!! My ears are bleeding!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!

“I’m a lesbian ya know” She said matter-of-factly, like I had asked the question.

“Oh…” Kay we’re slowly leaving the TMI conversation and onto a topic I…I can respect a little more. Baby steps….baby steps into neutral conversation…

“Yeah I’ve been with her for 7 years now” She said with an old lady smile.

“Well congratulations” 7 years is good! Yay for no more talk about your vagina!!

“I was married for 30 years before that. I had 4…” she held up 4 wrinkly fingers, “…kids with him too. My husband died in 2007”

Wait what? “I’m sorry for your loss”

“Yeah you think after 4 kids I wouldn’t be so tight down there but I am!” She said with a big smile.

WE’VE GONE BACK INTO THE DANGER ZONE!!! MAY DAY!!! MAY DAY!!! SOS!!! SOMETHING!! OH GOD!!!! STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR VAGINA FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!!!!

“Yeah I dunno why I didn’t date any men after he died…” She kinda stared off into space and then said, “She actually works at the hospital. I’m actually not quite sure why I like women now. I mean I was married for 30 years. I wasn’t like this before” She nodded at me with a wide-eyed look.

God she changes topics fast…My head was spinning from crawling up the walls in disgust (in my head) and standing there just smiling on the outside the whole time as she talked. But I was really thinking; Dontcha jut hate when that gayness just slips its evil little toe in? Just one day BAM! You’re a lesbian! Christian women beware!

“Well I better be goin’ cuz she’ll be wonderin’ where I am. She gets real jealous! God is she ever jealous!” Her eyes got wide, “I mean if I even look at a man or woman she says ‘ I saw you lookin’!’” She shook her head and looked down, “Well that’s really the only bad thing about her. Otherwise she makes me the happiest person in the world. Ya know?”

Yes I can relate to that…Now my mind took a temporary trip to my happy place where my wife was holding me after this terrible old lady vagina conversation.

“I dunno how to explain it- she just makes me so happy and I guess there really is no way to describe it is there?”

Huh? Oh yeah! I’m still supposed to be talking to you, “That’s good she makes you happy” I smiled.

“Yeah…” She muttered something I couldn’t hear and started for the door.

“Have a good day!” I said to her retreating back.

“You too hon” She said and waved as she left the store.

Moral of the story? When you’re old and wrinkly DO NOT talk about your vagina, no matter how tight it is for being 80-90 years old. Also, invest in a nose hair trimmer. White nose hair is just as unattractive as black nose hair……

Short and Not so Sweet Stories: Part VI- Buying DVD's

Short and Not so Sweet Stories: Part VI

Buying DVD’s

Ahhh Porn, it makes the world go ‘round and it keeps men’s attention for the 2 seconds it takes them to jerk off. I personally have never found porn stimulating enough to buy one that cost me more than $4. Yes, I’ve bought porn. Just once, to see what it was all about and was sadly disappointed with what I got. Sure, some may say buy porn that’s priced higher cuz you get better quality porn. This isn’t hand lotion or kitchen supplies, higher priced porn doesn’t guarantee anything better than a $4 porn. Trust me; I’ve also watched porn back-to-back at varying price ranges at Love Lips once. Why? Cuz I got chewed out once by a customer that I should know SOMETHING about porn because when I first started I had NEVER watched any porn in my life. So I watched porn and it didn’t do anything for me. I mainly just laughed at how ridiculous it all was. Why we're on the topic of porn, I would offically like to say to the male species, lesbian porn is all BULLSHIT. I’ma lesbian and I can vouch that 99% of what happens in lesbian porn does NOT happen in a REAL lesbian’s bedroom. Sorry to be a kill joy but don’t be so naive. Anyway, the point to this short rant is to set the stage for the short story that I’m about to tell you. Enjoy!

It was a good Monday morning and I had a decent flow of customers that kept me either really busy or really not busy. I was sitting in the fish bowl playing a game on my Nook when the Love Lips jingle sounded. I had just hit ‘pause’ on my game when a well groomed, overly powerful cologne smelling (yes I could smell it even from behind the glass), and greased back hair of a Latino man walked up to where I was behind the counter. I realize how cliché that description sounds but I’m 100% serious. "Can I help you?" I could tell by how he carried himself this wasn’t going to be a good conversation.

"Yeah, I bought 2 or 3 DVD’s from here the other day and I, like watched them all…and stuff and I wanted to know- Do you buy DVD’s back?"

You couldn’t have called with this question? "No, I’m sorry, we do not buy back DVD’s" I looked away from him and down at the floor because this could either go smoothly or end up in a fight and I wanted my body language to say ‘I’m really not interested in this conversation so go away’ an what better way than to ignore him?

"What if I, like returned them?" He shifted his weight, trying to keep my eye contact.

I looked up at him and said with a sardonic smile, "You can’t return DVD’s here" I wasn’t going to go into the fact we DO return DVD’s IF they’re DAMAGED. I actually once had a guy yell and cuss at me that he was going to go outside and smash the DVD’s so he could get his money back…that was a fun day (insert sarcasm)

His body language got a tad aggressive and his voice dripped with arrogance, "Well what am I supposed to do with them?"

"Not sure" I said with as much ‘I don’t give a shit, not my problem’ tone as I could. But then my customer service side kicked in, "Love Craft’s don’t buy DVD’s so try another porn store, there are many on Rt. 40" Maybe even try the ‘Movie’ stores that say ‘We Buy and Trade DVD’s’…precious…

He kind of just stared at me after that and I stared at him. I kind of felt like we were too wild cats deciding if fighting to the death was worth it when he finally took a few steps back. "Alright, thanks" He said in a gruff, non-happy voice and left the store.

So, this wild cat lives another day to verbally bitch smack down the next bone-headed customer that thinks just because I’m a women in a plexi-glass fish bowl I must not bite. Bitch please. I bite, just ask my wife.

Padded Inserts

Padded Inserts

It was a fine Wednesday afternoon and I was finishing putting stock out after a slow morning of hardly any customer traffic when a woman walked into the store. I wasn’t facing her when I said, “Good afternoon, if I can help you with anything let me know”

“Yeah actually you can” She said in a slightly nasally voice.

I turned to face her and was visually attacked by the hideous make-up she had adorned herself with. She wasn’t an unattractive woman, quite the opposite but she had decided blush was not meant to be rubbed in. But what was the worst part about this poor idea of make-up design was her lips. She had on dark pink lip liner that did NOT outline her real lip lines and the lipstick she chose was a very light pink so it clashed horribly. She also thought that foundation and eye shadow were meant to be caked on…all of these things, for those of you who don’t know about make-up, are a serious make-up no-no…She kinda looked like an accidental clown. Despite the many flaws in her make-up choices I smiled and said, “What are ya lookin’ for?”

“Do you have those little pad inserts for your bra to make it look like your boobs are bigger?” She said as she looked around the lingerie section helplessly.

“Sorry, we do not” I continued to move product around so things looked presentable.

“Awww” She whined like a child, which made the burning desire to rub her blush in so she didn’t look like a moron harder to resist. “Really?? I can’t believe this! I’ve looked everywhere!” She pouted at me now, “Do you know where I can find them??”

“Sorry hon, I’m not sure……” I’ll never understand the padded bra or inserts…isn’t that like false advertising? Hmm…

“Damn!” She said in her pouty voice. I headed back to my cage because I was almost sure she was leaving and I still had more things to put out. But instead she said to my retreating back, “I haven’t been in here for such a long time. This is all new!” When I glared back at her she was leaning in to look at the plexi-glass cage like it had exotic animals behind it. “Did you guys get robbed or something…or is it really that dangerous?” She said in an awed tone.

I’m REALLY tired of this question…as you all may be aware of, so I said in a flat voice, “Yes, we got robbed twice…”

“O-Oh…” She looked around like someone was going to pop out and rob her right there. I rolled my eyes when my back was turned and gathered more stuff to put out on the floor she said, “Do you guys have porn DVD’s?”

“Yup…over this way” I pointed to the large selection of DVD’s. There was a slight pause in our conversation as she walked quickly through the section than asked me, “Do you have any guy on girl DVD’s?”

Seriously? “Yeah…everything that’s not Bi-Sexual, Gay, or Lesbian is Guy on Girl…” ……precious……

“Oh” She said slowly then said quickly, “Where are those movies?”

I think the caked on make-up was eating into her brain… “Everything is under a genre, so look in Action, Kinky, Young, Classic…All the labels above the DVD’s say what the section and genre is”

“Gen…re…?” She looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language.

“Yes, a genre…” When I saw she still wasn’t getting it I said as nicely as I could, “…as in everything in that section is the same kind of plot”

“Oh! Oh!” I swear I could see the light bulb go ‘bing!’ as it turned on in her brain.

Yeah…good job precious you get a gold star! I headed back to the cage and as I opened the door she said, “I’m trying to spice up my bedroom life with getting a porn movie, do you recommend anything?”

“I don’t watch porn, but the backs of the DVD’s tell you a little about what’s in them” My wife and I have never had the need for porn stimulation in our bedroom so besides the ‘tobacco’ section that’s really the only other section I don’t know much about personally.

“Oh……” She huffed and after a while didn’t find anything ‘spicy’ enough and left the store.

The moral of this story? BLEND DAMNIT!!! When wearing blush you BLEND it in so you are showing just a HINT of color NOT clown colored cheeks! Also, foundation should BLEND so you DO NOT see the line of where you stopped applying it and it should also MATCH your natural skin color cuz the dual color thing is NOT OK……Also, eye shadows are only ok to wear heavily if you’re wearing the correct outfit for it…do not wear soccer Mom clothes and eyes that scream “I’m so tragic and emo I can’t stand it!” Another thing, DO NOT wear just lip liner and no lip stick because you look like a fool. Now…If you have questions about how to apply or wear make-up right PLEASE ask someone before walking out into public looking like a hot mess. (End rant)

Valentine's Day Vigiante

Valentine’s Day Vigilante

Ahhh…Valentine’s Day. The one week of the year besides Christmas week where Love Lips actually does good business! Both of those weeks I’m nice and busy helping people pick out outfits and buy toys to spice up their sex life for the special holiday. But what does a vigilante have to do with Valentine’s Day you ask? Trust me; this entry will be worth the time to read because it was way to epic not to write about. I also haven’t had many good stories to write about lately this definitely will make up for lost time.

February 14^th wasn’t as packed as February 13^th was but the last minute shoppers floated in and out like ocean waves. It was nice to have a store full of customers when we had a full wave of customers that started at 10am and continued throughout the day. I was enjoying the fact I actually got to help people and was able to rearrange things on the walls so we didn’t look as empty of product as we were getting. It was turning out to be a good day. Towards the end of my shift things got slower and I was getting antsy to go home myself. My wife had the whole day off to get the house ready for my Valentine’s Day surprise and I was starting to feel like a tiger in a cage with wanting to go home. But thankfully the front door jingled to alert me to an entering customer. “Hi there if I can help you with anything let me know” I looked over at the extremely intimidating biker man that sauntered into the store looking like the mannequin in the window had called him a pansy from the scowl he wore on his face looked.

“Yeah actually you can” His voice sounded as aggressive as his face.

I wasn’t going to let this one man ruin a whole day of productive product movement so I smiled and said, “What are you looking for?”

“I really don’t know” He rolled his eyes and walked over to the toys.

Eyebrow raised I said, “Are you looking for a vibrator, bullet, cock ring, dildo?”

He threw a glare my way and then sauntered up to the glass. “Well you see, I’m trying to find a vibrator for someone”

“Vibrators are all along the wall there” I made a hand motion to show him where they were, there was NO way I was going out from behind the glass with this guy. He screamed ‘untrustworthy’ in his mannerisms and I’d soon find out in other things and it was NOT because he was dressed as a biker dude.

“Are you sure these are vibrators?” He walked back over and eyeballed the vibrators like they insulted him as well.

“Yeah, are you sure she didn’t ask you for a bullet? It’s a common mistake and those are over there” I pointed to the bullets.

“Bullets?” He looked at me with a curious expression but then his face fell back into its severe lines, “What’s the fucking difference?”

If I had fur like a cat it would’ve stood up on ends, there was really no reason to get verbally aggressive with me. “A bullet is made to stimulate the clitoris and a vibrator is mainly used for vaginal stimulation” Yeah, I know they can be used for the clitoris as well but I wasn’t going to get into that with this guy.

He glared again at me and threw his hands up in the air, “Ya know this is for my friend. Not for my old lady, I have no idea what the fuck she wants! I’m just trying to get my friend a vibrator because I was on the phone with her the other day and she was bitchin’and moanin’ about how hers broke before we changed the subject”

Well you never said this was for a ‘friend’ you ass-hat! “Well then I’d stick with the vibrator if that’ what she was talking about”

He grunted and went back to look at the vibrators, “Which one would you pick?”

I HATE when people ask me this, it isn’t like Wal-Mart where I can say ‘Oh yeah this product works nice to get stains out’ this is a very personal product. “Well it depends on what she likes, it’s personal preference”

He gave me a huff and rolled his eyes at me like he could barely stand the sight of me, “Well I know that, but what do you recommend?”

“Do you have any idea what kind of---”

“No! I said; she’s my friend! We don’t talk about that kinda shit! I’ve known her for 20 years but we do NOT talk about sexual stuff!!”

I wish I could’ve growled. “Well then I can’t really help you because if I tell you I like something it doesn’t guarantee another woman is going to like the same toy” I was about done with this joker.

“Well show me the bullets again” He grumbled.

“They’re over there” I pointed again to the area the bullets lived at.

“I don’t see them” He was standing in front of them.

“All the boxes labeled bullets, are bullets”….precious…(insert growl)

He turned around slowly to glare at me again and his face turned a slight shade of red, “Ya know I’m not tryin’ to be a dick about this, but I can’t read well so I have no idea where these damned things are!”

Could have fooled me with the not trying to be a dick part, precious…So thus began a game of ‘In front of you….No, no more to your left…Up…Up one more…No, too far…To your right…Too far! Go back…there!’

Both of us now frustrated with one another, he whipped around and said, “Listen I said I wasn’t tryin’ to be a dick! I can’t read!”

“Well I’m not trying to be a bitch but we have this cage up for a reason, I can’t come out of it to point stuff out to you, I’m sorry” A white lie never hurt anyone, especially when he looked like he wanted to smack me before we got bitchy with each other.

Dawning understanding hit him and he said with a shadowed face, “You guys get robbed here?”

“Yes, twice” I said flatly with my own signature Chilean glare.

He looked disgruntled, “Tell me which bullet to pick” He pointed to two bullets to choose from. I of course made the choice of the White Knight Bullet because it’s a great bullet (personally speaking) and more expensive.

He took the bullet off the rack and came over to pay, “Ya know that’s bullshit that you guy got robbed, I hate fuckers who rob from the little guys. Were you ok?” He fixed me with a neutral stare.

I was a little stunned at his change in tone and the neutral stare, “No, I wasn’t here”

“Good, good. Don’t worry, while I’m here I’ll protect ya” He tried to smile but it was more like Disney’s Beauty and the Beast when the candelabra tells the Beast to smile…awkward and terrifying.

“Well thank you” What else was I supposed to say?

He grunted, “I’m sorry again if you thought I was being a dick”

Wow….now I kinda feel bad… “I’m sorry too; I just can’t leave the cage”

“Oh I wouldn’t want you to if you guys got robbed! Ya know I’m kinda like a super hero down at the bar I’m always at. No one gets robbed there anymore cuz everyone knows I’ll fuck you up if you try robbin’ someone. Everyone knows I carry guns and knives on me at all times”

Now I was REEEAAALLLYYY glad I never left the cage…I nodded and kept ringing him up and testing the product to make sure it vibrated correctly.

“You know, if you’re gonna rob someone, rob the government! They’re shittin’ on the little guy so don’t go robbin’ the little guy who can barely make ends meet. Ya know?” I smiled awkwardly myself but he didn’t notice as he paid for the bullet, “Seriously though if I was gonna rob someone, I’d rob a bank or a big government building because they’re the ones with all the money. All they do is take and take from everyone else. Take it back from them not your peers. Ya know? I may not have finished school but that just makes sense, ya know?”

“Yeah I can see how that makes sense” What was I supposed to say other than ‘sure!!! You are absolutely right! Please don’t decide to not like me and shoot me’ *smile*

“Well I’m sorry for ranting and preachin’ to ya for so long, have a good night” He did another Beast-like smile and left the store.

Let’s just say I was REALLY glad when I got to go home after all that. I hope you all had a GREAT Valentine’s Day! <3