Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Valentine's Day Vigiante

Valentine’s Day Vigilante



Ahhh…Valentine’s Day. The one week of the year besides Christmas week where Love Lips actually does good business! Both of those weeks I’m nice and busy helping people pick out outfits and buy toys to spice up their sex life for the special holiday. But what does a vigilante have to do with Valentine’s Day you ask? Trust me; this entry will be worth the time to read because it was way to epic not to write about. I also haven’t had many good stories to write about lately this definitely will make up for lost time.

February 14th wasn’t as packed as February 13th was but the last minute shoppers floated in and out like ocean waves. It was nice to have a store full of customers when we had a full wave of customers that started at 10am and continued throughout the day. I was enjoying the fact I actually got to help people and was able to rearrange things on the walls so we didn’t look as empty of product as we were getting. It was turning out to be a good day. Towards the end of my shift things got slower and I was getting antsy to go home myself. My wife had the whole day off to get the house ready for my Valentine’s Day surprise and I was starting to feel like a tiger in a cage with wanting to go home. But thankfully the front door jingled to alert me to an entering customer. “Hi there if I can help you with anything let me know” I looked over at the extremely intimidating biker man that sauntered into the store looking like the mannequin in the window had called him a pansy from the scowl he wore on his face looked.

“Yeah actually you can” His voice sounded as aggressive as his face.

I wasn’t going to let this one man ruin a whole day of productive product movement so I smiled and said, “What are you looking for?”

“I really don’t know” He rolled his eyes and walked over to the toys.

Eyebrow raised I said, “Are you looking for a vibrator, bullet, cock ring, dildo?”

He threw a glare my way and then sauntered up to the glass. “Well you see, I’m trying to find a vibrator for someone”

“Vibrators are all along the wall there” I made a hand motion to show him where they were, there was NO way I was going out from behind the glass with this guy. He screamed ‘untrustworthy’ in his mannerisms and I’d soon find out in other things and it was NOT because he was dressed as a biker dude.

“Are you sure these are vibrators?” He walked back over and eyeballed the vibrators like they insulted him as well.

“Yeah, are you sure she didn’t ask you for a bullet? It’s a common mistake and those are over there” I pointed to the bullets.

“Bullets?” He looked at me with a curious expression but then his face fell back into its severe lines, “What’s the fucking difference?”

If I had fur like a cat it would’ve stood up on ends, there was really no reason to get verbally aggressive with me. “A bullet is made to stimulate the clitoris and a vibrator is mainly used for vaginal stimulation” Yeah, I know they can be used for the clitoris as well but I wasn’t going to get into that with this guy.

He glared again at me and threw his hands up in the air, “Ya know this is for my friend. Not for my old lady, I have no idea what the fuck she wants! I’m just trying to get my friend a vibrator because I was on the phone with her the other day and she was bitchin’and moanin’ about how hers broke before we changed the subject”

Well you never said this was for a ‘friend’ you ass-hat! “Well then I’d stick with the vibrator if that’ what she was talking about”

He grunted and went back to look at the vibrators, “Which one would you pick?”

I HATE when people ask me this, it isn’t like Wal-Mart where I can say ‘Oh yeah this product works nice to get stains out’ this is a very personal product. “Well it depends on what she likes, it’s personal preference”

He gave me a huff and rolled his eyes at me like he could barely stand the sight of me, “Well I know that, but what do you recommend?”

“Do you have any idea what kind of---”

“No! I said; she’s my friend! We don’t talk about that kinda shit! I’ve known her for 20 years but we do NOT talk about sexual stuff!!”

I wish I could’ve growled. “Well then I can’t really help you because if I tell you I like something it doesn’t guarantee another woman is going to like the same toy” I was about done with this joker.

“Well show me the bullets again” He grumbled.

“They’re over there” I pointed again to the area the bullets lived at.

“I don’t see them” He was standing in front of them.

“All the boxes labeled bullets, are bullets”….precious…(insert growl)

He turned around slowly to glare at me again and his face turned a slight shade of red, “Ya know I’m not tryin’ to be a dick about this, but I can’t read well so I have no idea where these damned things are!”

Could have fooled me with the not trying to be a dick part, precious…So thus began a game of ‘In front of you….No, no more to your left…Up…Up one more…No, too far…To your right…Too far! Go back…there!’

Both of us now frustrated with one another, he whipped around and said, “Listen I said I wasn’t tryin’ to be a dick! I can’t read!”

“Well I’m not trying to be a bitch but we have this cage up for a reason, I can’t come out of it to point stuff out to you, I’m sorry” A white lie never hurt anyone, especially when he looked like he wanted to smack me before we got bitchy with each other.

Dawning understanding hit him and he said with a shadowed face, “You guys get robbed here?”

“Yes, twice” I said flatly with my own signature Chilean glare.

He looked disgruntled, “Tell me which bullet to pick” He pointed to two bullets to choose from. I of course made the choice of the White Knight Bullet because it’s a great bullet (personally speaking) and more expensive.

He took the bullet off the rack and came over to pay, “Ya know that’s bullshit that you guy got robbed, I hate fuckers who rob from the little guys. Were you ok?” He fixed me with a neutral stare.

I was a little stunned at his change in tone and the neutral stare, “No, I wasn’t here”

“Good, good. Don’t worry, while I’m here I’ll protect ya” He tried to smile but it was more like Disney’s Beauty and the Beast when the candelabra tells the Beast to smile…awkward and terrifying.

“Well thank you” What else was I supposed to say?

He grunted, “I’m sorry again if you thought I was being a dick”

Wow….now I kinda feel bad… “I’m sorry too; I just can’t leave the cage”

“Oh I wouldn’t want you to if you guys got robbed! Ya know I’m kinda like a super hero down at the bar I’m always at. No one gets robbed there anymore cuz everyone knows I’ll fuck you up if you try robbin’ someone. Everyone knows I carry guns and knives on me at all times”

Now I was REEEAAALLLYYY glad I never left the cage…I nodded and kept ringing him up and testing the product to make sure it vibrated correctly.

“You know, if you’re gonna rob someone, rob the government! They’re shittin’ on the little guy so don’t go robbin’ the little guy who can barely make ends meet. Ya know?” I smiled awkwardly myself but he didn’t notice as he paid for the bullet, “Seriously though if I was gonna rob someone, I’d rob a bank or a big government building because they’re the ones with all the money. All they do is take and take from everyone else. Take it back from them not your peers. Ya know? I may not have finished school but that just makes sense, ya know?”

“Yeah I can see how that makes sense” What was I supposed to say other than ‘sure!!! You are absolutely right! Please don’t decide to not like me and shoot me’ *smile*

“Well I’m sorry for ranting and preachin’ to ya for so long, have a good night” He did another Beast-like smile and left the store.

Let’s just say I was REALLY glad when I got to go home after all that. I hope you all had a GREAT Valentine’s Day! <3

Friday, February 24, 2012

How Much?

How Much?



Ahhh Friday! How I love you for many reasons. One, you’re the end of my work week at Love Lips and bringer of the weekend of fun times and lazy days! Two, you are also the bringer of another Crazy Phone Call Friday!!! Huzzah! I’m so glad to have yet another crazy story to tell!

It was Valentine’s Day week, and the entire week we were doing good business so there wasn’t too much down time but when there was it was d-e-a-d. So when the phone rang I answered it gratefully, “Hello Love Lips, can I help you?”

“Yeah, how much are your dildo’s?” A young man asked on the other line.

“They start out at $15.95 and go up from there” I said, this seemed liked a simple question with an easy answer.

“How about your vibrators?” He continued his string of questions.

“They also start, I believe, at $15.95 and up”

“Why are they so expensive???” He snapped at me.

Instant annoyance flared so I said in a sassy tone back to him, “Cuz they vibrate?” Jack-ass!

There was a short pause before he said in a, what I guessed was his sexy voice, “What are you wearing?”

Ignoring the obvious immature wackadoo I was speaking to I said firmly, “Do you have any other business questions for me?” Your ‘sexy voice’ sounds like a poorly done flamboyant gay man voice btw…

“Yeah, what are you wearing?” He said again.

“That’s none of your business” I said in an evil tone.

“Oh but I’m so horny for you, baby” He said in a crooning tone that ended with a snicker.

Great, we have another annoying phone person… “…And you need to get a life” I hung up the phone no longer willing to deal with his annoying game. But as I placed the phone back in the charger I thought of how gay he sounded, so wouldn’t that disqualify me from him wanting me? Hmmm…I did however have a bad feeling I was going to be hearing from our closet gay friend again because that was an obvious prank. Oh well, it just means he’ll end up back on the blog where we all laugh at his stupidity, right?

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Who Are You?

Who Are You?



I have a theory… Crazy stuff happens when I have the computer in my lap and I am working on another story for the blog. That always seems to be the moment in time where a real winner walks in and makes my day hit that oh so special WTF-O-Meter. Like today! Let me elaborate……

It was a steady day today and I was, as I said before, writing another separate story for this blog when the Love Lips door jingled. I folded up the lap top and said, “Hi, how are you?"

A short man in a blue wind breaker, puffy eyes, in his late 40’s with a drunken look said with a wide eyed stare in my general direction, “Who am I?!”

I will admit I was a little shocked at his reaction and what he thought I said, so I said slower and louder so he could hear me from behind the glass, “…I said; How are you?” I tried to smile but his obvious drunken state kind of made it waver.

He looked at me with an ‘I don’t know about you’ face and then said, “Oh…” He fixed me with another sketchy face and continued, “What’s this? Bullet proof glass?” Tap-tap-tap on my glass his dirty fingers raped.

“Yes” I said flatly. I wonder how long I’ll have to tell this story. It happened such a long time ago now.

He wandered up and down the cage looking at how far it went and then said in my general direction. “Did you all get robbed or something?”

“Yeah…” Why do people always ask that? We put in plexi-glass because it looks good? Come on! OF COURSE we got robbed!!!

“Do you know who did it?” He said suspiciously.

If we did, they wouldn’t have robbed us now would they? “Nope” At this point I was looking for something to write all this down with so I could add this to a Short and Not So Sweet entry for later, little did I know this was going to be much longer and more epic.

“Did it happen more than once?” He kept prying.

I was losing my patience, “There were two guys, that’s all I know”

“Well was they Caucasian or a negro?” He said in a sinister tone.

Are we in 1950?  “I have no idea I wasn’t here” I realized he was standing right in front of me and would’ve been breathing down my neck if there wasn’t plexi-glass. Sometimes I really like the cage where it is…like today…

“Oh…you wasn’t here…” He glared at me for not looking at him and then stalked out of the store with a scowl on his face.

I was relieved my new creeper left the store and when I sat down I opened another window in Microsoft Word to add this new story. I was working on an abbreviated version so I could come back to it later. But I didn’t get far when the Love Lips jingle sounded again. To my bewilderment Mr. 20 Question’s was striding up to my window again and fixed me with a serious look.

“Who owns this place?” He demanded.

“We’re owned by a corporation” I said flatly.

“A corporation…” He said slowly like he was forcing his brain to process this information. “So you’s don’t own this place?”

“No sir, I do not” I blinked at him.

“Well you know if you guys would’ve paid me $100 I would’ve fucking killed those two bastards for you”

Blink-blink. Was I suddenly in the Twilight Zone? “Um…Well I doubt they’re coming back” Not to mention we have the cage up. Not to mention even if I did own the store privately I would definitely NOT pay you to creep my customers out…

“Well no shit they ain’t comin’ back!” He looked at me like I was a moron for saying that then said passionately, “You guys shoulda paid me, not them coppers.” He got a wild eyed crazy look and leaned as close as he could to the glass without hitting his forehead and said, “…cuz you know they’re fuckin’ thieves themselves…they are…” His drunken eyes got wider and he nodded like he had just shared vital information with me.

All I did was smile an awkward smile because I had no idea what to say or do and then without another word he left as quickly as he came, booze in hand from the liquor store next to us. God, what a day……
So how was your day?? *Smile-Blink-Smile*

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I-695 and Other Tales?

I-695 and Other Tales?



I was talking to my wife the other day saying how boring Love Lips has been and that I’ve officially started to run out of good blog topics. We started to think about anything else crazy that we have witnessed worthy of a blog update. My brilliant wife reminded me of two very, VERY, special stories and I believe it is something that you all will enjoy.

I-695



This happened a year ago but it is totally worth writing about. My wife and I were driving towards Essex on I-695 on our way home from somewhere the other end of the beltway. It was rush hour and we were making pointless conversation, talking about anything because the traffic was moving at snail pace. We were coming around the bend near Towson when the traffic started to pick up. I was ranting about something when I noticed two cars diagonal from us roll their windows down. One of the cars was playing horrible rap music and I said, “Really? I don’t want to listen to that…” I was turning up my CD of rock music when my wife continued to move forward, traffic was breaking yet again and everyone was driving 40 miles an hour. “Sweet! We’re finally moving!” I say sarcastically.

“Do you want to take the back roads?” She said as she eyeballed taking the Loch Raven exit.

“Nah…It’ll get better around the bend” I said as I sat back in my chair and then I gasped and pointed. “Oh-My-God…are you SERIOUS?!”

“What??” My wife said in a concerned voice and then followed my finger.

The two cars diagonal from us were doing something very special. The passenger in one of the cars literally was hanging 90% of his body out the car window as the driver of the car moved dangerously close to the car with the dangling man. I was hardly able to believe what I was seeing; the car pulled INCHES from the other car as they drove 30 miles an hour down I-695. The man hanging out of the one car wobbled and tried to keep his balance as he reached into the other car’s driver side window. I covered my mouth to suppress a giggle as I saw him give the driver money and then receive a baggy of drugs. The cars were weaving back and forth, almost touching as they the traffic picked up speed. They had to be doing 50 miles an hour as the man dangling from the window ungracefully and slowly pulled himself back into the car. I looked around at the other cars wondering if anyone else found this completely INSANE. That man had been dangling from the car, holding onto the window frame with his knees. My wife and I were laughing because we had no idea what to think. That literally was the most insane thing I think I’ve ever seen on the highway besides watching an old lady knitting as she drove. What is this world coming to? I mean you seriously couldn’t be like any other normal drug dealer and do this in a parking lot full of a lot of people?



….and Other Tales?



Since we’re on the topic of drugs let’s add another to the mix, shall we? This one is equally as special, I promise! So, this happened about 3 years ago when I first met my wife at a New Age store in White Marsh. We were thinking about dating and spent half the night sitting in my car talking about things, getting to know one another. It was probably 2am and our conversation was slowly winding down due to sleepiness and we were talking about possibly going on a real date instead of sitting in each other’s car when across the parking lot two supped up cars screech into a Food Dog parking lot. Curious we both look over and the two cars roll their windows down.

“I hope we’re not going to get shot” Horrible scenario’s flashed in my over imaginative brain.

“Nah, it’s probably a drug deal” she said to me.

“How do you know?”

“I live in Reisterstown, I’ve seen plenty” She said half teasing me for my naivety, and half totally serious.

So we watch as two smoking hot girls get out of both cars and the volume of the music in one of the cars goes up to the point we can hear it from over where we are, which is a good distance away. The girls start to dance up against the cars and with each other, screaming and laughing as they danced to the music. Now you would think that two lesbians would be like, “Oh look! Hot chicks!! Let’s watch……” Nope we were watching the super dark windows slide down and a drug exchange being made. The girls danced and talked super loud for a good 10-15 minutes before they hoped into their car and both sped away in opposite directions. Thinking that they had made a good enough distraction as the drug exchange was made. Too bad it just drew attention to that fact…


So the moral of this blog entry kids, is if you’re going to do a drug exchange…… DON’T BE SO STUPIDLY OBVIOUS YOU MORONS!!!! Just because the purple hippo stopped staring at you after your high crashed doesn’t mean humans can’t see you get more drugs to stop the hippo from eating your toes later. This message brought to you by: The person who sees your epic fail attempt to be smooth and un-obvious at getting/dealing drugs.