Turned ‘Lesbian’
There are many levels of crazy that I deal with at Love Lips. Very rarely
does one hit my WTF-o-meter so hard I think the entire thing may break. But
occasionally one person hits it hard enough that the conversation makes me feel
so uncomfortable I just dunno what to do. So, with all that being said let me
tell you what happened cuz I can’t be the only one who has heard this
nauseating tale.
It was a quiet-ish Thursday and I was on the computer adding
bits and pieces to my fiction novel, when I heard shuffling. This Thursday was
a spring-like day and I had the door open to let in the nice weather so every
little noise I hear I would check the door for customers. The door doesn’t
jingle if it’s being held open so I have to keep my eyes peeled for potential
customers. So, I look up and see a very elderly person shuffling into the store.
Now I’m still not sure to this day if this person was male or female. It was
really hard to tell because this person was wearing a short bobbed wig, she/he
had a big pot belly and tiny boobs, big hands, none of which can help me
identify which sex the person really was. (Disclaimer: I have NO problem with
transgendered people. I actually know a couple and they are like anyone else so
please don’t think I am judging) But for the story’s sake I’ll call this person
a woman because that’ll just be easier. “Hi, how are you today?” I said as I
stood up.
“Oh hi there” She said in a signature old lady voice.
“If I can help you find anything, let me know ok?” I smiled.
“Well, is this your number?” She shuffled closer and then
leaned into the turn style and showed me a hand written piece of paper that had
our location’s number and the name and location of our store.
“Yes, ma’am that is our number”
“Oh good, I was out driving today so I figured I’d stop by
verses calling you.”
“Well thank you” I smiled again.
“It’s so nice out! I’m not goin’ home until I have to”
I smiled, “I know! It’s great out today, I wish it would
stay this way” I laughed a little, why? I dunno. Maybe cuz I knew this was
going to get awkward deep down inside.
She leaned down so she almost had her face in the turn
style, like it was a microphone or something and said, “I usually go down to
the one of 40, near that Joppa town. They have a Love Lips down that-a-ways and
I always go there.”
I continued to smile, what was I supposed to say? Oh and at
this point I realized something else that was wrong with her appearance, she
had something on her nose. I thought it was possibly a booger but with further
staring I realized it was white nose hair curled and sticking out of her nose.
Quite disturbing!
“They all have the same kinda stuff like you do, movies,
toys, clothes, and those…peep booths”
Now this is when I started to question if this was a man in
drag cuz the policy is we do not let women back in the booths. But I hear
certain stores don’t care however. Whatever, I let it go and said, “We actually
no longer have the peep booths”
“O-oh!” She looked at the purple door that used to have
booths, “You all ever gonna get’em back?”
“No ma’am. They didn’t make any money” Sad but true.
“Oh…well I like to go to the peep booths in Joppa. I like to
get $5 worth of those gold coins they sell and go into those tiny little
booths. I usually pop in a coin and then get my dildo out of my purse and just
stick it in!”
Right now, my mind is screaming OHHH MY GOD NOOOO!!!! I don’t wanna think of how a bigger old lady
fit into the booths let alone that old lady shoving ANYTHING in her private
region!!!! AHH!!!!! But because
someone loves me in Heaven the phone rang. “Excuse me real quick, ma’am” I
answered the phone singing praise to the Lord in my head. Thankfully it was my
wife was on the other line and we held a short conversation and agreed we were
both having a ‘special day’ and when I got off the phone with my wife I spotted
the old woman looking at all the toys we had. I kept an eye on her just in case
Granny decided her fingers had glue and items belonged in her medium sized hot
pink purse.
When she realized I was watching she pointed to a Basix slim
7” dildo and said excitedly, ‘This is the one I always carry! It’s my favorite”
“It’s a good brand…” This was gonna get awkward fast, I
could feel it.
“I love it; it’s just the right size for me. I have tons and
tons of dildo’s but this one feels the best inside. Cuz I’m really tight down there.”
Oh God,
Oh God, Oh God make it stop!!! My ears are bleeding!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!
“I’m a lesbian ya know” She said matter-of-factly, like I
had asked the question.
“Oh…” Kay we’re slowly
leaving the TMI conversation and onto a topic I…I can respect a little more.
Baby steps….baby steps into neutral conversation…
“Yeah I’ve been with her for 7 years now” She said with an
old lady smile.
“Well congratulations” 7
years is good! Yay for no more talk about your vagina!!
“I was married for 30 years before that. I had 4…” she held
up 4 wrinkly fingers, “…kids with him too. My husband died in 2007”
Wait
what? “I’m sorry for your loss”
“Yeah you think after 4 kids I wouldn’t be so tight down
there but I am!” She said with a big smile.
WE’VE
GONE BACK INTO THE DANGER ZONE!!! MAY DAY!!! MAY DAY!!! SOS!!! SOMETHING!! OH
GOD!!!! STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR VAGINA FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!!!!
“Yeah I dunno why I didn’t date any men after he died…” She
kinda stared off into space and then said, “She actually works at the hospital.
I’m actually not quite sure why I like women now. I mean I was married for 30
years. I wasn’t like this before” She nodded at me with a wide-eyed look.
God she
changes topics fast…My head was spinning from crawling up the walls
in disgust (in my head) and standing there just smiling on the outside the
whole time as she talked. But I was really thinking; Dontcha jut hate when that gayness just slips its evil little toe in?
Just one day BAM! You’re a lesbian! Christian women beware!
“Well I better be goin’ cuz she’ll be wonderin’ where I am.
She gets real jealous! God is she ever jealous!” Her eyes got wide, “I mean if
I even look at a man or woman she says ‘ I saw you lookin’!’” She shook her
head and looked down, “Well that’s really the only bad thing about her.
Otherwise she makes me the happiest person in the world. Ya know?”
Yes I
can relate to that…Now my mind took a temporary trip to my happy
place where my wife was holding me after this terrible old lady vagina conversation.
“I dunno how to explain it- she just makes me so happy and I
guess there really is no way to describe it is there?”
Huh? Oh
yeah! I’m still supposed to be talking to you, “That’s good she makes
you happy” I smiled.
“Yeah…” She muttered something I couldn’t hear and started
for the door.
“Have a good day!” I said to her retreating back.
“You too hon” She said and waved as she left the store.
Moral of the story? When you’re old and wrinkly DO NOT talk
about your vagina, no matter how tight it is for being 80-90 years old. Also,
invest in a nose hair trimmer. White nose hair is just as unattractive as black
nose hair……
