Monday, June 11, 2012


Do Not Tap on the Glass!!!



Well lookie here, it’s another Do Not Tap on the Glass entry! It has made another appearance on this fine Blog! You might not remember this section of my blog but I started it shortly after the plexi-glass ‘cage’ aka the ‘fish bowl’ was erected *no pun intended* here at the fine establishment of Love Lips. For those of you who are wondering what it the purpose of this entry it’s quite simple; thanks to the dumber population I have a whole new section to create and write about what it’s like being that person behind one of these fine claustrophobic mechanisms. Tada! Alright then, without further ado here we go……



#1- Things That Make You Go ‘Wow, Really?’-Oh Dundalk you never fail to prove how dumb you make your people……

It was a Wednesday afternoon when I was putting stock away, my arms so full of product I was keeping it all contained with holding things with my chin. Why was I acting like I was in the circus? We have no shelf space so it’s all a balancing act, really. Anyway! The Love Lips jingle sounded a customer and I moved carefully to look at the door and the new person, “Hi, how are you?”

“Wow this is new” She ogled the plexi-glass cage and I grunted as I quickly put product on already full pegs so I could have a free hand to get new pegs for the product. “When did you guys put this up?”

“Sometime at the end of last year” I said flatly.

“Wow…” She tapped on the glass and thinking she needed something I turned to face her, hands finally free and she looked up at the signs Bethany posted that clearly say, “Please Do NOT Tap on Glass”. She threw her hands up in the air and whipped around to face me and said, Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I didn’t see the sign there! I’m sorry!”

It’s either no one apologizes or this happens, I can’t win!



#2- My Favorite Color is Clear!!! FYI; The Glass We Have IS Clear…

It was a slow day when a biker looking chick waltzed into Love Lips and said in a smoker voice, “Hey hon!”

“Hi, if you need any help let me know, ok?” I like when customers are casual, not too weird or too crazy, it always makes for a good day.

“Yeah you got any ‘tobacco’ products?” She used her fingers to make the quotations for the word ‘tobacco’ cuz let’s face it no one really uses any ‘tobacco’ product for tobacco. Well I’m sure some people do but you know what I mean!

The ironic part? She was standing right in front of it. “Yeah it’s in the glass case in front of you” Sadly there really was no other way to say it without sounding like a bitch, I felt bad…until…

“Oh! Duh!” She knocked her head with the palm of her hand to indicate she had a sense of humor and then promptly leaned over and SMASHED her head into the plexi-glass so hard the entire cage swayed a little.

“Oh my—Are you ok??” Let me tell you something, it was pretty damned hard not to laugh.

“Yeah…I should’ve remembered there was glass there”

Yeah…honest mistake, it is clear and all……



#3- I Saw the Sign…and It Didn’t Open Up My Eyes…

Ahhh, Ace of Base, the questionable 90’s band that produced, and really was only famous for its one catchy song called “I saw the sign”. I knew one day this song would work its way into my blog, I mean how could it not?

While I was silent for a good length of time I grew rapidly angrier each time a customer asked if we had been robbed because the glass was put up. Besides the obvious fact of; it was once not here and then was….and its main purpose is to protect the person behind it. It also was NOT designed to be aesthetically pleasing to the eye….so what else would it have been built for? My first thought would be that the store was robbed, but that’s just me. Apparently the imagination only stretches so far for the inbreed stock of Dundalk’s finest human beings, so  for almost half a year I would have to nod and explain that we were in fact robbed twice, no one was hurt, the robbers were not caught by the police, and that this all happened last year. So in a fit of rage after the 456434405235689865 person asked me if we were robbed, I hung a sign by the register for people to read as they waited for me to check their purchases out. The sign reads; YES, the glass cage you see in front of you IS new. It was put up sometime in late November last year. YES, we were robbed; this was not added because it looks charming. NO, no one was hurt. Thanks for your concern. ~Management.

Now some of you may think that the sign is a little harsh because it is human nature to ask questions and some people really don’t understand the purpose of the glass cage so why word it like that? Imagine if you will, that  literally, every single person who walked through the front door asked you about the glass cage…AND every single day you worked it was the same questions and reactions. It would get kind of obnoxious and no longer funny, right? Well, I got to a point where I wanted to scream obscenities and tell them they were ass-hats because why else would we have glass if it wasn’t a dangerous area?! So, I thought the sign was safer. Anywho, I promise there is a story behind this so without further ado here we go;

 I was thinking to myself that I needed to update the blog soon and the perfect couple walked through the Love Lips door just the other day. A very pasty pale man who looked like he was in his 30’s with acne that was almost classic nerd movie style came into my fine establishment arm in arm with a very curvy but good looking African American woman. I thought it was an odd pair only because he looked like he was missing his coke bottle glasses and suspenders while she was normal looking. So I chalked it up to he must be a great person and looks didn’t matter to her. As they looked around she kept pulling her yoga pants tighter around her butt so you could see her butt crack in the pants. I had to blink the crack out of my eyes a few times because she would walk around with her hand above her butt holding the fabric to accent the crack. She was an attractive woman but why she thought making the yoga pants show her crack was a good idea is still beyond me. But after a good 15 minutes they came to the register with a few things in hand. As we made polite conversation she looked at the sign on the glass and pointed it out to her boyfriend. He was giving me a hard time about asking for his ID to make sure the card name matched when she said to me after looking at the sign one more time, “You guys were robbed?” She had a very innocent and blank stare on her pretty face.

I was already feeling frustrated at his annoyance at being carded I looked up at her and smiled what I was sure a painful looking smile and said, “Yes…we were”

“Hunnie I don’t think the sign would be up if they weren’t robbed” He said gently.

“Well I had to check, cuz you never know if it’s true or not” she said matter-of-factly.

I kept the best forced smile I could on my face, “We were robbed twice”

“O-Ohhh…” She said in wonder as her boyfriend took his merchandise from the turn style.

“Have a great day guys” I said as they turned to leave. I heard her make the comment on it being weird that we were robbed and I still can’t figure out why someone would assume the sign was fake? Am I missing something? Oh well….It IS Dundalk after all….

Friday, June 1, 2012

CPCF- 'How Much' Comes Back


CPCF-‘How Much’ Comes Back



I told ya he’d end up back on the blog, didn’t I? Well for those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, last week on Crazy Phone Call Friday, I posted an entry called How Much? and I lamented at the end that he’d probably earn another spot in this blog because his phone call was a prank to amuse his immature need to annoy the working class. I was right! He’s called back 4 times since but only one conversation deserved another entry. I think he’s finally caught on that I don’t have time to play games with him so I haven’t heard from him in a while. But for your enjoyment here is the conversation I had with him recently that should give you a good laugh, maybe even an eye roll or two. Happy Friday Everyone!

It was a slow day and it was the middle of my shift when the phone rang and I put my Nook down and answered the phone, glad to be doing something other than sitting. “Love Lips, how can I help you?”

“Hi, how muh are your dildo’s?” A younger man asked over the phone.

I thought briefly that this sounded like the jackass that called me a week ago but I wasn’t going to jump to the offensive just in case it was someone who actually wasn’t just calling to annoy me. “They start out at $15.95 and go up from there”

“What’s the biggest dildo you have?” He asked excitedly.

Ok…maybe this was the same jackass…So my voice became flat and bored, “10 inches long”

“That’s your biggest dildo??” He asked like it was an extremely important question he was asking.

“Yes.” What is the point of this conversation ass-hat?

“I want the BIGGEST dildo you have because I want to shove it up my ass” He said matter-of-factly.

“That sounds fantastic; do you have any other questions?” I said in a clean even tone, he really was plucking my nerves.

“Nope! Thanks!” He hung up.

Well at least that proved my theory from last time, he’s a closet gay. There are so many other toys in the store he could’ve made a joke about but chose the anal way. Hmm I guess my Gaydar isn’t that broken after all.