Friday, September 21, 2012

CPCF- Mumbles the Creeper


CPCF-Mumbles the Creeper

 

I told you I would be back for another Crazy Phone Call Friday, and I kept my promise! So, from the title you can see I had a creeper encounter, though I think that’s a moot point because most of these entries are about one form of a creeper or another. But this guy totally wins the title as a creeper. Thankfully this creeper was just on the phone and not in person. I think if I had seen him in real life and had to have this conversation while looking at him I might have vomited in the trashcan that has a hole at the bottom of it. But now I’m just rambling….So here’s the story, fresh off the press;

I was working on an image in Photoshop to pass the time here at Love Lips when the phone rang. It had been a quiet morning, so as I hit the green ‘Talk’ button I tried to muster as much pep into my voice as I could, and failed horribly, “Love Lips, how can I help you?” I said in neutral voice.

The man on the other end was whisper-talking like he was either out of breath or trying not to be heard, “Yes, hello, do you have _______?”

I blinked, not having ANY clue what he just said, I don’t even know how to translate what I heard here on the computer for you because it was that inaudible. So, to bullshit my way through this creepy voice phone call, I said, “No we don’t carry that”

“You don’t have ________?” He repeated, again in an inaudible voice when he said the item in question.

“No” I said flatly, I was still deciding if this was the one guy that likes to call and ask prices of things for 15 minutes just to waste my time.

“Well then do you have ___________?” Again, his voice was clear enough, in his creepy whisper, until he said the name of what he was looking for.

Now I was getting frustrated so I said, “No we don’t have that either”, hoping he’d say ‘Oh ok’ and that would be the end of our creepy conversation. Of course I wouldn’t have that kind of luck the time I wished for it.

“Do you even know what I’m talking about?” He said in his raspy creepy whisper voice.

“Um not really, but I would think if I carried it I would’ve known what you were referring to”

“Ok…do you carry the Jesse Jane male masturbator?” His voice of course got more breathless as he said this.

“No we sadly don’t carry that one” I said, we get asked that often but they’re just too expensive.

“Do you carry the ________ porn star masturbator?” He said in another overly breathless voice.

“No we do not, we don’t carry any porn star masturbators we only have standard looking vagina masturbators.” I felt my patience wearing thin as my voice got very flat and matter-of-fact.

“Alright, where are you located?” Creepy asked. I REALLY didn’t want to tell him but we’re a business and I had to. So as I tried to pray he never find the location I said where we were located in Dundalk and he said, “Do you have any ________?”

I felt the last nerve I had for this creepy man fizz out with a loud crackle and said in a snappy tone, “Listen, you either need to speak up or speak more clearly cuz I can barely hear you!” I was done playing his little game and hoped if he was jacking off I just killed his buzz.

“Do you have glory holes?” He said more clearly, though sadly still with his creepy whisper voice.

“No we don’t have viewing booths” I said flatly, I could feel the anger staring to rise like a snake in the back of my mind.

“Well, do you still have glory holes?” Creepy insisted.

“If we don’t have viewing booths we’re not going to have glory holes, so no, we don’t” I said, the anger now bleeding into my tone of voice.

“Are you getting a tone with me young lady?” Creepy said in an extra creepy yet somehow annoyed voice.

“As a matter of fact I am, you’re now asking inappropriate questions and are being rather creepy about it. So do you have any other business questions?” I was DONE with this conversation. He mumbled something on the other line that I couldn’t here so I said very clearly, “Excuse me?”

“Shave your pussy” He said in his creepy voice.

I could feel my eye twitch as my voice slid through my teeth, “Excuse me, what did you just say?”

“Shave your pussy…..it’s hairy…..” He said in his super creepy voice, dead pan with no emotion.

“Alrighty, we’re done with this pointless conversation, good bye” I hung up.

Thankfully he did NOT call back and I am praying he DOESN’T come in. If he does, I don’t know what I would do. I feel like he would start licking the window or jerking off in front of me. A little extreme of me to think….but you didn’t hear his voice. I really wish I could’ve found a way to record it because he had a voice from a woman’s worst nightmare, no joke.

Friday, September 14, 2012

CPCF-Black Area


CPCF-Black Area

 

Hello my lovely SfaPS Followers! This is super exciting for me, I dunno about you guys but it feels like forever since I’ve written anything new. I was getting scared Love Lips was turning me too cynical to find anything humorous about some of the special encounters I have. But this week has proven to me that it’s not me, there just weren’t any good stories to write about. As I write this now I have to admit I am forming a theory; the crazies seem to come out of the wood work after summer. Why? They no longer can creep outside because it’s just too cold. Granted it’s not too cold yet here in Maryland but it’s almost Fall and I guess the weirdo’s are prepping me for all the crazies that are to come later on in the season.

Since it’s been so slow in the writing department I have been bringing the computer to work to work on the logo for the craft store I own with a few friends on Etsy. Today wasn’t any different; I was working hard to get our logo made in Photoshop. It was a relatively quiet day and as the afternoon rolled around the phone rang. Sighing as I released the mouse I picked up the receiver and hit the ‘talk’ button and said, “Love Lips, how can I help you?”

“Hi there, I was wondering if you had viewing booths?” A man’s voice said over the phone in a very pleasant tone.

This was a frequently asked question as of late and I was sad to say, “No, I’m sorry we don’t have viewing booths anymore.”

“Do you know of any other locations that do?” He said; it was a very common question once they realized we didn’t have them in our store anymore.

 “Our sister store on Rossville Blvd does, lemme give you their number” I read Rossville’s number to him and after a slight pause from his end I expected the conversation to be coming to an end. I was actually getting ready to say ‘have a nice day’ when he said, “Do you know if they have glory holes….?” He said timidly.

“I’m not sure” I said honestly, Rossville had been inspected a few months ago and usually when that happens the “glory holes” get covered up because it’s technically illegal to have sex in the booths because it’s borderline prostitution.

“Well, do you know if it’s a ‘black area’?” He said plainly.

If music was playing it would’ve ripped right here. Did he really just ask if it was a black area? My first thought was that he was racist and I do NOT tolerate such bigotry so I said in a heated tone, “I…um…wow…This is America, so I would assume there might possibly be black people that go to that store but I really don’t know if it’s considered a ‘black area’. I haven’t worked there in over 2 years so I’m not familiar with the cliental.”  Seriously, who did this guy think he was? I’m not black and I find that question offensive!

There was a decent pause on his end before he said, “Oh, ok….well I was just asking because I just recently had my first black man experience and would like to have it again so do you know if there are a lot of black men that go to that location?” His tone of voice was neutral as if I didn’t just kind of yell at him.

I had to bite my tongue. I felt silly for not realizing he meant he was looking for a black man to have sex with, he wasn’t racist. But, after working in Dundalk I had come across my fair share of racist people. On the flip side I was even more annoyed he didn’t listen to anything I just said, as I breathed in to answer him all I could think was; I swear to God, people don’t listen to what I say, I might as well be talking to a wall, But thankfully I tapped my inner bitch down enough to say, “Sir, as I said before; I haven’t worked there in over TWO years so I am NOT familiar with the cliental. You’ll have to call Rossville and ask because I do not know.”

“Do you think they’ll know if black guys go back there a lot?” He asked.

I felt my stress eye twitch kick in, “You will have to call Rossville, ok? I don’t work at that location.”

FINALLY it sunk in that I DIDN’T know if there was a hot black man waiting to screw him in the viewing booth area and he said, “Alright”

Before he could ask me again if I knew anything about the white to black ratio of the viewing booths in Rossville I said, “Have a good day” and hung up.

I feel like today’s story deserves a ‘moral of the story’ line but after writing this my eye is twitching so badly I am just going to say this; if you are asking a question that involves a person of a different color….if you can’t think of a respectful way to ask….DON’T ASK! I completely believe color doesn’t matter, we’re all human beings but that doesn’t mean some of the words that fall out of your mouth can be understood by everyone.