Voices
This
is literally the first story I have written for 2013, I felt almost hesitant to
post because I feel bad about my lack of stories of the past few months. I can’t
apologize enough to the people who have enjoyed this blog and still follow it
and check back periodically to look for updates; if you are one of those
people…you all are awesome! To be completely honest, I was feeling extremely
burnt out over this job. I write about Love Lips as if it was my personal store
but in reality it’s not actually mine. I’m just a store manager blogging about
my awkward and hysterical encounters. At one point, writing about these stories
kept this job fun and made me look forward into going in each day. I don’t
remember when I stopped posting. I wanna say it was last Fall in 2012 but
again, I am sorry for stopping without warning. What happened? Nothing amused
me anymore; the people of Dundalk had officially tapped out all the funny I
could find in situations, and instead of finding the humor in a situation it
just made me blood-boiling angry. What provoked me to write today? A voice, a
horse faced woman (worse than Sarah Jessica Parker), and something else I can’t
place. I don’t know what about this woman that has sparked another entry but I
am personally not complaining and I hope you enjoy this update of my amazingly
awkward job at Love Lips, the porn store.
Love
Lips had just opened for the day and I had finished my breakfast. I was staring
outside at the bright sunny day after what was supposed to have been the worst
snow storm since 2009 when I saw a big red SUV drive up. I was taken out of my
nonsensical thoughts and focused on the big bug glasses the woman in the car
wore. I thought that she was headed to the nail salon because they have customers
from 9 am until close and most of them wear those huge bug-looking sunglasses.
So I turned back to the inside of my fish bowl and fished out my lap top to
start watching a movie. The Love Lips door jingled and I stood up with the
computer in my hands. I was in the process of tucking it under the counter as I
said, “Hi, let me know if I can help you with anything today”. I barely glanced
at her because she was just a typical higher end Dundalk woman, dressed in a
pink hoodie and pink sweat pants, bug sun glasses, and bottle blonde. But the
words out of her mouth made me literally pause and I’m pretty sure I had a
dumbfounded expression when she said, “I’m good, thanks” Simple words, yes? No.
Have you ever met someone and the first instinct you have is to ask them if
that’s they’re real voice or are they exaggerating a younger tone of voice? I
had one of those moments today and it spurred me into writing about it. She had
one of those voices that sounded like she was in a porn video where she was
pretending to be a 13 year old school girl. To most men this might be sexy; to
a woman it was like nails on a chalk board. If by some unfortunate coincidence
it was her real voice I think I might have gone bat sh*t insane if I was the
one dating her. It was extremely obnoxious! I put my glasses on and took a
better look at her. I actually wondered if I had accidently let a minor into my
store. Upon further inspection she was in her 20-30’s and as she took her bug
sunglasses off I saw she was unfortunately horse-like. All of her facial
features were elongated and she had bigger front teeth. I was surprised by her
voice and now her face. I fiddled with the calendar and played ‘Let’s look at
the important E-mail from the warehouse’ as she browsed. I was trying not to be
rude and stare at her and find other odd things wrong with her. She couldn’t
help she looked worse than Sarah Jessica Parker (who is pretty btw but her face
is very long).
I
was looking through old saved E-mails when she came up to the far end of my
plexi-glass cage and said in her annoying 13 year old baby voice, “Um…I have a
silly question”
I
twitched from the words that came out of her mouth but said with a smile, “What
kind of question?”
“Do
you have porn videos that are for, like, couples that are just, like, boy
girl?” She said.
Maybe
I’m ignorant but from what I could tell from the box of the videos we carry
it’s mostly all boy-girl unless specified as having lesbian, bi, gay, trans in
it. “We unfortunately just have regular porn, nothing with a story line or
parody and unless it says otherwise mostly everything we have is boy-girl porn”
“How
would it, like, specify that it was otherwise?” She blinked at me with her head
slightly cocked. I hate making stereotypes but she had a blank blonde joke
worthy stare.
“We
have signs to specify the categories.” She just continued to stare wide eyed
and vacant at me so I added, “So if it says Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, or She
Male--”
She
started to laugh and swatted at my direction, “Ohmigod, like, ok I gotcha!” She
then turned to look through the DVD’s we carried.
If
I could have, I would’ve face-palmed myself because I felt like I was being
filmed in a movie spoof about ditzy blondes. I am NOT making any of this up
either, all this happened the way I am typing it. I barely believe it happened
this way because it’s all so cliché.
She
continued to look through the porn and eventually picked a movie out. After
that she picked up two other items in the toy section of the store and came to
the register. It took her a second to realize where the turn style hole was and
she gingerly placed the items she got into it and then said matter-of-fact as
she placed the DVD down, “And this is for…..” She trailed off as if she
realized she shouldn’t tell me what it was really for. It’s a porn DVD, it’s
kind of self-explanatory. I didn’t say this however and I rang her up and that
was the end of our encounter. She said goodbye before she left and the little
hairs on my arm stood up because her voice would officially haunt me for the
rest of today.
There
are 2 morals of this story, folks. 1) If you’re blonde naturally or a bottle
blonde…..You DO NOT have to act like the stereotype ditzy blonde, no one likes
that….and if someone tells you they do, they’re really just making fun of you.
2) Save the baby voice for the bedroom of the lover who appreciates it. When in
public use your big girl voice and sound like an adult. When you’re late 20’s +
it’s creepy and not ok. If your voice naturally sounds like a 6 year old choir
boy…..well then….I’m sorry….your voice is repugnant.