Short and Not so Sweet Stories: Part VI- Buying DVD's

Short and Not so Sweet Stories: Part VI

Buying DVD’s

Ahhh Porn, it makes the world go ‘round and it keeps men’s attention for the 2 seconds it takes them to jerk off. I personally have never found porn stimulating enough to buy one that cost me more than $4. Yes, I’ve bought porn. Just once, to see what it was all about and was sadly disappointed with what I got. Sure, some may say buy porn that’s priced higher cuz you get better quality porn. This isn’t hand lotion or kitchen supplies, higher priced porn doesn’t guarantee anything better than a $4 porn. Trust me; I’ve also watched porn back-to-back at varying price ranges at Love Lips once. Why? Cuz I got chewed out once by a customer that I should know SOMETHING about porn because when I first started I had NEVER watched any porn in my life. So I watched porn and it didn’t do anything for me. I mainly just laughed at how ridiculous it all was. Why we're on the topic of porn, I would offically like to say to the male species, lesbian porn is all BULLSHIT. I’ma lesbian and I can vouch that 99% of what happens in lesbian porn does NOT happen in a REAL lesbian’s bedroom. Sorry to be a kill joy but don’t be so naive. Anyway, the point to this short rant is to set the stage for the short story that I’m about to tell you. Enjoy!

It was a good Monday morning and I had a decent flow of customers that kept me either really busy or really not busy. I was sitting in the fish bowl playing a game on my Nook when the Love Lips jingle sounded. I had just hit ‘pause’ on my game when a well groomed, overly powerful cologne smelling (yes I could smell it even from behind the glass), and greased back hair of a Latino man walked up to where I was behind the counter. I realize how cliché that description sounds but I’m 100% serious. "Can I help you?" I could tell by how he carried himself this wasn’t going to be a good conversation.

"Yeah, I bought 2 or 3 DVD’s from here the other day and I, like watched them all…and stuff and I wanted to know- Do you buy DVD’s back?"

You couldn’t have called with this question? "No, I’m sorry, we do not buy back DVD’s" I looked away from him and down at the floor because this could either go smoothly or end up in a fight and I wanted my body language to say ‘I’m really not interested in this conversation so go away’ an what better way than to ignore him?

"What if I, like returned them?" He shifted his weight, trying to keep my eye contact.

I looked up at him and said with a sardonic smile, "You can’t return DVD’s here" I wasn’t going to go into the fact we DO return DVD’s IF they’re DAMAGED. I actually once had a guy yell and cuss at me that he was going to go outside and smash the DVD’s so he could get his money back…that was a fun day (insert sarcasm)

His body language got a tad aggressive and his voice dripped with arrogance, "Well what am I supposed to do with them?"

"Not sure" I said with as much ‘I don’t give a shit, not my problem’ tone as I could. But then my customer service side kicked in, "Love Craft’s don’t buy DVD’s so try another porn store, there are many on Rt. 40" Maybe even try the ‘Movie’ stores that say ‘We Buy and Trade DVD’s’…precious…

He kind of just stared at me after that and I stared at him. I kind of felt like we were too wild cats deciding if fighting to the death was worth it when he finally took a few steps back. "Alright, thanks" He said in a gruff, non-happy voice and left the store.

So, this wild cat lives another day to verbally bitch smack down the next bone-headed customer that thinks just because I’m a women in a plexi-glass fish bowl I must not bite. Bitch please. I bite, just ask my wife.

Padded Inserts

Padded Inserts

It was a fine Wednesday afternoon and I was finishing putting stock out after a slow morning of hardly any customer traffic when a woman walked into the store. I wasn’t facing her when I said, “Good afternoon, if I can help you with anything let me know”

“Yeah actually you can” She said in a slightly nasally voice.

I turned to face her and was visually attacked by the hideous make-up she had adorned herself with. She wasn’t an unattractive woman, quite the opposite but she had decided blush was not meant to be rubbed in. But what was the worst part about this poor idea of make-up design was her lips. She had on dark pink lip liner that did NOT outline her real lip lines and the lipstick she chose was a very light pink so it clashed horribly. She also thought that foundation and eye shadow were meant to be caked on…all of these things, for those of you who don’t know about make-up, are a serious make-up no-no…She kinda looked like an accidental clown. Despite the many flaws in her make-up choices I smiled and said, “What are ya lookin’ for?”

“Do you have those little pad inserts for your bra to make it look like your boobs are bigger?” She said as she looked around the lingerie section helplessly.

“Sorry, we do not” I continued to move product around so things looked presentable.

“Awww” She whined like a child, which made the burning desire to rub her blush in so she didn’t look like a moron harder to resist. “Really?? I can’t believe this! I’ve looked everywhere!” She pouted at me now, “Do you know where I can find them??”

“Sorry hon, I’m not sure……” I’ll never understand the padded bra or inserts…isn’t that like false advertising? Hmm…

“Damn!” She said in her pouty voice. I headed back to my cage because I was almost sure she was leaving and I still had more things to put out. But instead she said to my retreating back, “I haven’t been in here for such a long time. This is all new!” When I glared back at her she was leaning in to look at the plexi-glass cage like it had exotic animals behind it. “Did you guys get robbed or something…or is it really that dangerous?” She said in an awed tone.

I’m REALLY tired of this question…as you all may be aware of, so I said in a flat voice, “Yes, we got robbed twice…”

“O-Oh…” She looked around like someone was going to pop out and rob her right there. I rolled my eyes when my back was turned and gathered more stuff to put out on the floor she said, “Do you guys have porn DVD’s?”

“Yup…over this way” I pointed to the large selection of DVD’s. There was a slight pause in our conversation as she walked quickly through the section than asked me, “Do you have any guy on girl DVD’s?”

Seriously? “Yeah…everything that’s not Bi-Sexual, Gay, or Lesbian is Guy on Girl…” ……precious……

“Oh” She said slowly then said quickly, “Where are those movies?”

I think the caked on make-up was eating into her brain… “Everything is under a genre, so look in Action, Kinky, Young, Classic…All the labels above the DVD’s say what the section and genre is”

“Gen…re…?” She looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language.

“Yes, a genre…” When I saw she still wasn’t getting it I said as nicely as I could, “…as in everything in that section is the same kind of plot”

“Oh! Oh!” I swear I could see the light bulb go ‘bing!’ as it turned on in her brain.

Yeah…good job precious you get a gold star! I headed back to the cage and as I opened the door she said, “I’m trying to spice up my bedroom life with getting a porn movie, do you recommend anything?”

“I don’t watch porn, but the backs of the DVD’s tell you a little about what’s in them” My wife and I have never had the need for porn stimulation in our bedroom so besides the ‘tobacco’ section that’s really the only other section I don’t know much about personally.

“Oh……” She huffed and after a while didn’t find anything ‘spicy’ enough and left the store.

The moral of this story? BLEND DAMNIT!!! When wearing blush you BLEND it in so you are showing just a HINT of color NOT clown colored cheeks! Also, foundation should BLEND so you DO NOT see the line of where you stopped applying it and it should also MATCH your natural skin color cuz the dual color thing is NOT OK……Also, eye shadows are only ok to wear heavily if you’re wearing the correct outfit for it…do not wear soccer Mom clothes and eyes that scream “I’m so tragic and emo I can’t stand it!” Another thing, DO NOT wear just lip liner and no lip stick because you look like a fool. Now…If you have questions about how to apply or wear make-up right PLEASE ask someone before walking out into public looking like a hot mess. (End rant)