Game Hop- A Christmas Story

I hope you all had a WONDERFUL Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, Yule, and anything other religious day that happened in December. I sure as heck enjoyed the spirit of the holiday season and did as little as possible. I needed those two days of relaxing with loved ones. I hope you all were able to also enjoy the days off to the fullest as well. But I realized later that I forgot to post last Friday and this Monday, I apologize!! So to make it up to you all, here is a good one to make up for the forgotten Friday’s post (I apologize)! Enjoy!

Game Hop, a Christmas Story

That’s right; I feel lazy today and only removed one letter from the store’s real name. But lazy is the main theme of this holiday story. I’m not quite sure why special situations seem to follow me everywhere but they do…so in spirit of the season of giving, my gift to you guys this year is this special…special…story……Enjoy!

After I left Love Lips at 5:00 pm on December 24rth, I was feeling anything but the holiday spirit because I had a migraine pressing the inside of my eyeballs. But the holiday’s wait for no man or woman with a throbbing forehead, I had gift cards to get! These last few gift cards meant I was finally finished my holiday shopping. So, I stopped in at B&B Works to get my Mom a gift card for nice smelly lotions and bath soap and got pulled into buying stuff for me and my wife. How can you resist buy three get three free? I mean seriously…But what I didn’t expect were the sneaky loop holes in the ‘deal’ that pertained to the nice cologne I got for my wife. So I spent a good 10 minutes arguing over the ‘deal’ with the cashier before I admitted defeat and let them take my money. So I left the store, confused, head pounding even harder, and sad that I still had 2 other stops before I could go home and take Excedrin to get rid of my migraine.

One of those stops was the world-known game store, Game Hop. I wasn’t looking forward to the crappy parking because it was close to a Wally World. I was lucky to find a front row spot however, even though most of the entire shopping center was full of cars. I rubbed my temples praying that Game Hop wasn’t going to be filled with a ton of people as I walked towards the store. As I entered the store I saw a young woman sitting on the counter, a decent line of customers, and one younger man ringing people up. I internally groaned but trying to remain positive as I walked up to the counter where the young woman sat and before I could speak she said, “I know you!” Her voice was very sllllooowwww, like she was from the South or on drugs. I definitely couldn’t place her, though I noted she had striking blue eyes that really stood out because her skin was a deep caramel color. “I know you from Dundalk!” She said again very slowly but somehow chipper.

The fact she knew exactly where she saw me was kind of creepy because I couldn’t remember her at all. She continued to stare at me expectantly so I said helpfully and a little tersely, “Well I never worked at a Game Hop?” I didn’t mean for it to sound like a question but I was curious how she thought she knew me.

“No, I definitely saw you somewhere in Dundalk…” She said mater-of-factly in her slow voice.

The migraine pushed the insides of my eyeballs again and I said shortly, “I never worked at a Game Hop, I work at a Love Lips in Dundalk.” So unless I helped you buy a dildo, I really have no idea where I know you from, lady…

“Do you go to Bank of America…?” Her big blue eyes got wider like she just had an epiphany.

“Yes…” Ok so maybe that made sense but it had to be only once because I usually can pin-point who is going to the bank for Game Hop in Dundalk, they’re all usually heavy set nerdy men.

“So that’s where I know you from!” It was like someone hit the ‘talk faster’ button because she said it in a normal voice this time and still oober chipper, like we were BBF’s.

So I smiled like I understood her enthusiasm and said, “Do you guys sell gift cards?” A dumb question yes, but who knew if they had any left, it was the holiday’s after all!

“Yeah!” She said brightly and looked at me with her pretty but blank eyes for a second before turning to face the young man ringing up people. “Hey Grove, another $20 gift card!” She said in an un-necessarily loud tone to Grove who stood not even three feet from her. She looked at the line and said, “I think the line starts there” she pointed at another lady waiting in line.

“Thanks” I took my spot beside the lady because the line was in a weird L-shape because no one really knew where to stand. I played with my phone and updated my wife on where I was and we were talking about dinner plans. As I was texting I over-heard something that made the manager in me cringe.

Grove said, “Is the pizza back there up for grabs?”

Blue eyes said, in another un-necessary loud tone, “Ewww don’t eat that! That pizza’s been back there for, like, two days…” She laughed a tinkling laugh and the manager in me wanted to send her pretty little ass back to wherever said pizza was a clean it up and probably clean the entire back room because if two day old pizza was just sitting out, God knows what else was back there.

“I guess I’ll have to call my Mom to bring me something” As I looked up from my phone I saw he was just standing there talking while ignoring the lady in front of me. I bristled, this was ridiculous. Eventually the woman snapped and asked for her gift card. He did it with a heavy sigh and she left, gift card in hand. Finally it was my turn…he rang through the gift card, “How much did you say it was for?”

“20” I said and then looked down at my phone, my wife had just texted me. As I texted her back he groaned and mumbled because the gift card wasn’t ringing up so he swiped it 4 times before it went through.

“Do you have a membership card?” He said.

“No…” I said as I texted fast.

“Its 20 dollars” He said in a bored voice.

I put my $20 cash on the middle of the counter and finished my text. The register binged and he just stood there. I was in the middle of a text when he sighed loudly and when I looked up he was just staring at my $20’s that was in reaching distance if he leaned a fraction of an inch towards it. I stared at him and he stared at the money like he was expecting me to call him King and hand the money to him on a silver platter. I pushed the money barely an inch closer to him and then continued to read my wife’s new text. He grumbled and picked it up and handed me my gift card.

“Have a nice night” he said flatly and popped his gum looking at me like he’d rather have his nails done in hot pink.

“Yeah……I’ll try after coming here” I said under my breath. I left the store with a bigger migraine than I came in with. As I got into my car I vowed if I ever continue to say in management I would NEVER hire anyone who has worked at Game Hop EVER. That was the worst customer service I’ve had in a long time and I pity their poor manager and according to my gamer friends, most of them are like that or worse. Epic Fail.

Don't Tap on the Glass!!! Part 2

Don’t Tap on the Glass!!!

This is one of my new favorite short story forums I’ve created thus far. It’s frustrating when someone taps on the glass and ask stupid and obvious questions but that frustration usually turns into a wonderful funny story…so I guess I can’t complain too much, right?

#1- The Shocked and Disbelieving…and Heart Broken?

It was a cold winter night (not sure where winter went but we did have a few winter days!), coming to the closing of my long 8 hour shift. The Love Lips jingle alerted me to someone coming into the store. A heavier set woman entered and smiled shyly at me from behind her scarf. “It’s cold out there”

“Yeah it is definitely getting colder” What else are you supposed to say?

She looked at me with a confused expression. I was slightly worried I had something on my face and then a look of something suddenly hitting her bloomed on her face. “Did you guys get robbed?” She stopped moving towards the toy section and stopped right in front of me, expectant and slightly scared.

“Yeah…We were robbed twice in a week before Thanksgiving” Why lie? She didn’t look like she’d take my usual ‘yup’ response.

“Oh my God” She said in a choked voice. I wasn’t looking at her but hearing the soft sob in her voice I looked up quickly and saw she literally had tears in her eyes. “Was everyone alright??” She asked, her voice still full of emotion.

Flabbergasted at the real tears in her eyes I said quickly to assure her, “Yes, everyone who was working was OK, no one was hurt”

“Oh thank goodness” She said breathlessly and she blinked quickly to stop the tears and then moved into the store to continue her shopping.

All I could think was…Don’t cry for us Argentina?

#2- The Demented and…No, Scratch that…Just Plain Dumb-

It was mid-afternoon and I was really getting into the book I was reading when the Love Lips jingle sounded. I begrudgingly set my book aside only to see that 3 young adults came bumbling inside giggling and snorting like they could barely handle being in a store that was sex oriented. Mildly annoyed I said, “Can I see your ID’s guys?”

“Man…I don’t have my ID” the girl of the group said in a whiney voice.

The other, who were boys, showed me their ID’s and sadly proved they were of age to be in the store. I looked at the girl and said, “Without your ID I can’t let you in the store” I was bracing myself for a verbal fight when she groaned and cussed under her breath as she stomped out of the store. Thankful I didn’t have to threaten the police (that’s happened in the past) I turned my attention to the remaining boys, “If I can help you with any--”

“Were you guys, like robbed or something?” He tapped the glass with a wide-eyed look at me.

“Yes, we were” I said coolly.

“Seriously?!” He said in his best high-skater boy voice.

“Yeah…” I said, my patience for them was growing thin. The other boy with him was guffawing to himself.

“What’d they steal? Sex Toys?” He grinned like he’d said a bad word to a teacher and his friend crowed with annoying teenage laughter.

I raised an eyebrow and though, this ladies and gentlemen is why weed is bad for you… “No, they stole cash”……because that’s what real robbers do……precious…I’m sad to say I answered him in a very condescending tone but I really wasn’t in a mood to play with delinquent kids.

His guffawing friend elbowed him, “Duh, man why would they want toys and not cash?” then continued to laugh, because that was his role in this duo, I guess.

“Well….I’d steal the toys, their more fun” He said to cover his wounded ego from his laughing friend. He stole an approving glance from me to see if I found it funny so I smiled a thin smile. They went straight to the ‘tobacco’ section and laughed and talked amongst themselves.

Sadly they bought nothing but at least it was blog worthy of a story, right?

"Blemished"

“Blemished”

This is a truly special story that I sadly cannot take credit for hearing about it first-hand. I am posting this after hearing about it way past when it happened. As I’ve stated before Love Lips is corporate owned and the higher-ups in this cooperation have many duties. Apparently the woman who hired me, named Chrissie, married to Concord at the Rossville Love Lips, who works at our warehouse also checks any returns that are sent back to the warehouse.

Now before you get your panties in a twist the only things returned to the warehouse are broken DVD’s and toys that failed when being tested before someone takes a toy home. Yes, for those of you who are snickering, we have to ‘test’ toys before they leave, but they are NOT tested the way your perverted mind is thinking (trust me that could be a whole story in itself). When we test toys at Love Lips the employee simply puts batteries in the toy and turn it on to see if it; 1) turns on at all AND 2) does what it’s supposed to. Nothing would kill your wallet and mood more than buying a $20+ dollar toy only to find it didn’t work at home AND you couldn’t return it. So for everyone’s happiness we test them before you walk out the door. Make sense? Good. Back to the story!

So a mass E-mail was sent out about Returns. Apparently all the stores were sending back toys that actually worked. Now being on the other end, I personally have tested a toy that didn’t work so I tossed it in our return bin only to find later that day that it starts vibrating for no reason. So I can see her frustration at this. I read over the E-mail and called the warehouse to ask about the Jungle Jigglers (the #1 most sent back but also properly functioning toy that is mistaken for being broken). For those of you who don’t know what a Jungle Jiggler is, it’s one of those wonderful toys with a rotating shaft in the shape of a penis with a bunny/butterfly/wabbit/dolphin clitoris stimulator at the bottom of the shaft, so it hits all the right spots. It is one of our cheaper double functioning toys and tends to not rotate as wide as some of the others. So I wanted to ask Cheryl if she could describe how wide the rotation was suppose to be because I’ve found the purple wabbit tends to hardly rotate compared to the pink rabbit. She also had said that the beads aren’t supposed to rotate only the shaft is. But my understanding was the beads help the shaft to rotate. So regardless, I called the warehouse hoping to speak to Cheryl. It was 3pm so there was a 50/50 chance she may have already left for the day.

“Love Lips Warehouse, can I help you?” It was the financial manager and HR lady, Shelley who answered.

“Hi Shelley, its Sireana, is Chrissie there?”

“Sorry hon, she already left for the day can I help you with anything?” She said helpfully.

“I was going to ask her about the return E-mail.” I went into my question about the rotation and bead question thinking she may be able to help me.

“Um…I actually have no idea, I really don’t know how half of that stuff works!” She said honestly. If this had been an anime I would’ve fallen on the floor. How could you not know anything about the toys and work for a toy company??  Well, I guess she does only do things that involve numbers…“Chrissie is the only one who handles the return items and actually knows what half this shit does cuz she works in the Rossville store 3 times a week” She said matter-of-factly.

“Oh, I didn’t know she was working over there” I said conversationally. Shelley was a good woman and means well; she just was unable to help me this time around.

“Yeah, so you may just want to take all of them off the floor and test them all and see if that can answer your question…because she really does have to open and test every single stores returned items”

“Wow, yeah I can see that being frustrating” According to Shelley in a previous conversation we had she told me that Love Lips owns over 13 stores, not all of them are Love Lips, some are named other things.

“I’m just glad I’m not the one checking the returns that’s all I can say” She said with a hint of humor behind her words.

“What do you mean?” Curiosity is my middle name.

“Well what helped spur this E-mail is that apparently at one of the other locations she got a toy that was marked as ‘blemished’” she started laughing and had to settle herself before she continued, “when you think of blemished you think a black spot or a hair on it or something, right?”

“Yeah” Now I’m REALLY curious as to where this story is going.

“Well she opened up this butt plug that was returned for being ‘blemished’ only to find that it had pieces of poop allll over it!” She burst out laughing.

“Oh my God!!” I couldn’t help but laugh because what else can you do?? It was HORRIBLE thought!!!

“Apparently someone had taken this butt plug off the shelf, shoved it up their ass, decided they didn’t like it and put it back in the box. A customer brought the closed box to the employee working and said it looked used and so he marked it saying it had a ‘blemish’!!” Laughter ensued.

Still laughing myself, I said, “There’s a BIG difference between poop stains and a dark spot”

She laughed louder, “Oh I know!! It’s an on-going joke around here at the warehouse; no one is allowed to say that word now!!”

“I’d hate that word too! I don’t know if I honestly can hear or say that word now without thinking about this now”

She continued to laugh with me and I’m pretty sure we were both almost crying, “So next time you see her make sure you say the word ‘blemish’!”I couldn’t do that to Chrissie but holy geez… “You all don’t know what happens behind the scenes at the warehouse, this isn’t the worst story that’s for sure, just one of the funniest”

“Oh wow…Thanks for the good story Shelley!” My sides hurt from laughing and I sat back down.

“You’re welcome! Have a good night Sireana”

“You too Shelley” We hung up still giggling. But seriously, will YOU ever think of this word again without thinking of poop stains? I sure as hell won’t.

CPCF-Piercings

CPCF- Piercings

HORRAY for another Crazy Phone Call Friday!!! This actually happened on a Friday after I had already lined up Part IV of the Short and Not so Sweet Stories. So I figured I’d save this one for December because it was priceless…

It was coming to the end of a long evening at Love Lips and I was very much ready to go home. My fiancée had stopped by to pick up the computer on her way home so I was reading a novel from the library when the phone rang. I marked my place as I reached over to get the phone. On the second ring I hit the ‘Talk’ button, “Love Lips, how can help you?”

“Hey Sireana, its Concord” A man said on the other line.

“Hey Concord, what’s up?” Concord worked over at our sister store in Middle River, closer to where I lived.

“Hey, I got a lady over here looking for piercings, I think I remember the last time I worked over there you guys had some.”

“Yeah we have assorted jewelry, what kind was she looking for?” I said, I am always looking to get rid of some of this body jewelry they gave us, it wasn’t a big seller.

“Hey ma’am what kind of body jewelry were you lookin’ for?” Concord asked her and I heard a woman’s muffled voice but couldn’t make out what was being said.

When Concord didn’t reiterate what the woman said and was very quiet I decided to list the types of jewelry we did have, “We have tongue, belly button, and eyebrow rings in metal and plastic” I said to him and I listened to him list off what I said to the woman over the phone.

There was another short pause as she said something to him and the next time he spoke his voice sounded a little strained, “Do you have any piercings lower than the face?”

“Like belly button rings?” ‘Lower than the face could range from nipple rings, belly button rings, and clitoris rings. Yes I said clitoris rings. Why people get their clitoris pierced is beyond me, it sounds excruciatingly painful. I also think it would be easily removed, not in a nice way, because the skin there is so sensitive and thin. But whatever floats your boat, right?

“Like piercings for ‘down there’…” His voice got tiny and awkward.

We both work at porn stores, why couldn’t he just say it? So I said, “Like as in for the clitoris?”

“Yes…” His voice got more awkward.

Strange, Concord is always very out-spoken and I didn’t realize despite him working there for God knows how long he had issues with saying something that is pictured all over the store. “She can come look but I have no idea what gauge and style that is.”

“O-Ok…well expect two ladies to stop by to look”

“Alright! Thanks Concord”

“Yeah…bye” He said quickly and hung up the phone.

I guess it’s just me who’s alright with saying clitoris, vagina, penis, and other assorted words I have gotten strange looks for saying. I sometimes think people forget what kind of industry this is, those words happen!

Do Not Tap on the Glass!!

Do Not Tap on the Glass!!

If I had a quarter for every time someone taps on the new plexi-glass fish bowl the Love Lips employees now reside behind I’d be pushing a millionaire. I am thinking that I need to update you all of the priceless questions I’ve heard and responses I’ve made for your viewing pleasure. I don’t think anyone can fully understand the aggravation that happens with the new fixture and I shouldn’t keep it all to myself. So here are a few good ones for you, and I’m sure I’ll be updating this list as the year passes by.

#1- The Shocked and Disbelieving

A man, who looked like he was one of the happiest people you could ever have the pleasure running into, walked in our store and with a smile that would put Johnny Depp’s smile to shame. Mr. Smiley tapped lightly on the plexi-glass and said to me in a joking voice, “What’s all this for? You all get robbed or something?” He smiled another big dimpled smile.

Already thoroughly annoyed with being asked this question I said somewhat cynically, “Yeah actually, we got robbed twice in a row” I smiled a thin smile.

If I could’ve taken a picture I would have, Mr. Sunshine’s face totally deflated on itself and he looked shocked, angry, sad, and annoyed all rolled into a questionable look of pure emotion, “Are you serious?!”

“Yup…” Nope, we just really liked how it looked?

He parted his lips and let out an exasperated sigh, “Unbelievable…I’m glad you’re all ok” He almost looked like he didn’t want to believe what I just told him.

#2- The Demented and Slow-This has happened so often it may show up more than once with these installments.

Enter the image of an overly large hilly-billy man to a young African-American thug, I’ve been asked this mainly by men to varying degrees. They always tap three times usually loudly or softly enough that it feels like nails on a chalk board, “This is new”

“Yup…” No shit Sherlock!  I didn’t notice that I went from NOT being behind a plexi-glass cage to having one! It was like magic! Just add water!!! (Enter more cynical sarcasm here)

“Why’d you put this up?” Followed by a few more taps and moving un-necessarily close to the glass looking down at me.

“We got robbed twice” Why sugar coat it?

“Seriously?” Now imagine varying stages of incredulity, blank, and un-sure looks from befuddled men.

“Yes” Nope, I like lying that two of my employees were held at knife point!!

“Oh…” Then they always continue walking into the store…that or ask me again if I’m serious about us being robbed.

#3- The Claustrophobic Question.

The CORRECT way to ask if being behind a plexi-glass cage is Claustrophobic; A very nice older woman walks into Love Lips asking me questions about bullets, I come out from behind the cage and help her pick one out that she might like. It was a very good sale transaction and she was very friendly. As I’m ringing her up she leans in close to the turn-style and says, “Aren’t you Claustrophobic back there?”

“You get used to it after a while, honestly.” I stamp her receipt as ‘Tested OK’.

“I couldn’t handle being back there, I’d go stir-crazy. Does it at least make you feel safe?”

“Yeah, it kinda does and we definitely haven’t had any issues since it’s been put up” It was true; no one had been questionable since it’s gone up. I pushed the turn-style around so her purchase showed up on the other side.

“Well take care of yourself” She took her bag and left the store.

The INCORRECT way to ask if being behind a plexi-glass cage is Claustrophobic; A very robust man waddled into Love Lips and tapped on the glass saying, “You guys get robbed?”

“Yes” I said in a tired voice. I was still sitting in my chair and debating if I really wanted to stand up just yet.

“Oh wow I LOVE your tattoos!” He pressed himself up against the plexi-glass and almost smeared his greasy nose on the glass to look down at me, his one hand slowly petting the glass.

Yes, this was beyond creepy but I also was thanking my fishbowl from keeping him on one side, AWAY from me…God only knows if he would’ve leaned over the counter to pet ME if it wasn’t up.

“My wife just got a cherry blossom tattoo…branches that go over her chest…” He pet both sides of his chest showing that the branches would spread across both of her breasts if she was here all the while staring at my tattoos.

“Cool…” I stood up then and pretended to be busy answering an E-mail from the warehouse as he went into the store to look around.

He sadly didn’t buy anything but came back to where I was and said, “Don’t you get Claustrophobic back there?”

“Nope” And today I could’ve kissed my damned fishbowl from protecting me from people like you!

I hope you enjoyed Don’t Tap on the Glass!! I will hopefully have other good stories for you later this month so keep checking back!!!

Best Whipped Very Much?

Good Evening my Fellow Followers!! I apologize for the lack of stories on this blog for quite some time. I sadly ran out of things to write about. I hate that we go through these waves of crazies to write about and then they just stop coming in. Therefore making it hard to write about anything fun. =(  So instead of trying to write a 4 stories a week I’m going to cut it back some. So for those of you who are still checking back for good stories I’m going to start posting things on Monday’s, Wednesday’s, and Fridays. So please keep your eye on the blog!!! So, without further ado here is Monday’s installment to my crazy adventures at Love Lips, enjoy!!

Best Whipped Very Much?

That’s right; our Best Whipped friend came back and still as neurotic as ever. I was actually surprised to see her come back because most of the people I’ve written about on this blog usually don’t come back. Though the ones that do come back usually don’t let me down and always give me something else to write about a second time around! I’m actually kinda glad she came back because after I wrote about her in Best Whipped too Much? She came in one more time and looked depressed and worse for the wear. So despite the fact that she’s still doing whip-it’s she was back to being a bubbly good natured girl again. I’m getting ahead of my story however, so let me back track and start you at the beginning!

It was a busy night for Love Lips and my shift was slowly coming to a close when the Love Lips jingle sounded yet another customer in the store. I was marking my page in the book I was reading when I looked up to see the overly-sunny smile full of braces on the Best Whip Girl. I smiled at her as I stood up and said, “Hey hon, how are ya?”

“Good, good! You having a good day?” She said brightly.

“Yeah” I smiled at her and then said, “What can I gettcha?” I already had a feeling I knew what she wanted but how many was the question.

“My usual, the 50 count Best Whips, please!” She said with another brace-filled smile. As I went to retrieve the box she said, “I’ve actually cut down on how many I use! I mean I’m sure you remember how many boxes I bought last time!” She laughed at her own inside joke. I smiled at her as I walked back to ring them up and she kept talking, “I mean I haven’t been in here for quite some time, I think the last time I was in here you were the one working…No…there was another young lady here and I actually came in with my Mom. I feel bad buying these when I’ve driven here in my Mom’s new car. I’m sure you remember the old loud car I had; she just got a new one. Yeah, the last time I was here I was with my Mom and she was freaking out because she came to buy a vibrator for herself and I made her buy me best whip’s while we were here. She was SO weirded out and kept saying, ‘I can’t believe I’m buying this while you’re here!’ like OMG, like I didn’t know she had one” She laughed loudly.

All I could do was blink at her rapid-fire conversation and smile and laugh a little, hoping she didn’t catch that I kinda had no idea what she just said to me. I told her the price and as she put the money in the turn-stop and then she looked at me with an intense stare, “Did you all get robbed? Is that why you are behind glass now?”

This was not a new question, it really is kind of an annoying question because it’s OBVIOUS that we are behind glass BECAUSE we got robbed but I didn’t get annoyed with her asking the question because she really means well. “Yeah, we got robbed twice in a row”

“Oh-My-God! Girl! You gotta be safe! Were you here when it happened?” Her eyes were as big as saucers.

“Thankfully no I wasn’t here and we’re also very lucky the two people that were here were un-harmed” Very thankful btw!

“Well good! OMG I remember I once worked at this little pizza place in White Marsh and there was this guy who tried to rob me. It was scary as shit. I was outside smoking and this yo-thug-guy who came up to me and told me to give him my money, I was a young kid then and just told him to fuck off. He grabbed me by the throat and dragged me behind the dumpster. I started screaming and kicking and another co-worker came out and scared him off and I never saw that fucker again. But damn girl, you gotta be safe!”

I was speechless. That was a very intimate story and I know why she needed an ‘escape’, though I’m sure that’s not the only reason. She looks like she has a lot of reasons why she kills brain-cells with whip it’s. But my heart did go out to her; I don’t think I would’ve recovered from being attacked like that…so kudos to her. “I’m glad you were safe, and don’t worry I’ll be alright.”

“Good, good. You be safe baby girl. See you next time!” She waved with another bright smile and left the store.

I wonder what deep stories I’ll find out about her next time I see her.

Mastering the Silent Creeper

Mastering the Silent Creeper

Yup, you read that right. There are not many people are worthy of mastering such a technique. The only worthy people tend to be psychopath killers in horror movies, my fiancée, and best friend. True Story, I promise. This story however did not happen at Love Lips, it happened at my neighborhood Woowoo (a gas station and also deli…don’t hurt yourself thinking too hard about what it’s really called, just go with it) but like My Starschmucks Adventure it was good enough to be added to my blog nevertheless.

It was the beginning of the month of November when this happened, right after work. I had a request from my fiancée to stop at Woowoo to get a soft pretzel for her and because it was on my way home and she was already at home. I really didn’t want to stop anywhere, I just wanted to go home but she doesn’t usually ask for much so I decided I should be nice and get her one. It was already dark out and it felt like it was closer to 9pm rather than 6pm. It was relatively busy at Woowoo considering the time but I thankfully found a parking spot on the side of the building with ease. I went into the fine establishment of Woowoo only to find they were clean out of soft pretzels. I walked around the normal areas they stack them and checked in the deli section where the hot dogs were. I texted my fiancée I was coming home empty handed and while I pouted at the sad face she sent back to me I headed towards my car. I was typing back to her with my phone in both hands and my keys tucked under my arm against my breast when I saw that I couldn’t get into my car. There was a little Hyundai next to me that had both the driver and passenger side doors open, inches from touching my car and a younger girl in her 20’s bent over collecting trash from her back seat. I sent my text and then waited patiently for her to finish cleaning because she looked like she was about done. I watched her stand up and move a few things around before she went to shut the passenger side door. She realized I was standing there and jumped at seeing me. I smiled. I don’t know why I didn’t say anything but I was expecting her to say “Oh I’m sorry, here let me shut the doors so you can get into your car” because it was obvious I was trying to get in my car. Apparently I was wrong. Instead she just stood there staring at me like I was going to breathe fire. Feeling super awkward I smiled more and pointed to my car as if to say, “I need to get in my car?” Nope…she kept staring at me her mouth slightly open…After what felt like 4 hours she said slowly, “You…scared me…” I was having fun watch her be nervous, why? I don’t know! All I did know is I was envisioning my best friend doing this because she has done this exact thing to me a thousand times and it never gets less awkward even though I’ve known her for 4 years. After a few more painfully silent moments she finally closed her doors and watched my hand that was holding my phone and keys to my right breast like I was gonna pull out a knife and shank her right there. Instead, I silently got into my car and as I pulled away. As I drove away I saw her walking away typing fast on her phone. All I could think was how proud the Master’s of the Silent Creeper Society aka my fiancée and best friend would praise my development in this fine art. I also laughed because that poor girl was probably posting on FB that I was the creepiest person she’s ever met. Ever.

Epic.

Win.

Family Business

Family Business

This title sounds a little sketchy coming from a Porn Store Blog, it sounds like a dirty story about incest but never fear, it is NOT about that! For those of you who are disappointed by the last sentence, you obviously have the wrong blog…Anyway! This is the epic story that has been in the works of being written for a couple of days now and I apologize for keeping it a mystery for so long. I know I keep saying how epic this story is and today you’ll finally get to read WHY it’s so epic.

It was the early morning before Thanksgiving Day and the shopping center my little store resides in was quite empty. The night before it was hellish trying to get anywhere because of family rolling into Dundalk for the next day or rolling out to visit family outside of Dundalk. But I regardless I wasn’t expecting much customer flow because who thinks about having sex the day before Thanksgiving? I had just open 10 minutes before the Love Lips jingle sounded my first customer of the day. In walked a man probably in his early 40’s with a fresh hair cut and a family approved navy blue sweater and jeans. He must’ve been on his way to visit family because the hair cut had just happened this day; there was a patch of pale skin in the outline of his previous hair do, it was quite unfortunate looking. “Good morning! If I can help—“

“Is this up because you guys got robbed?” He tapped the plexi-glass 3 times and looked at me seriously…very seriously.

Annoyed from the tapping (it’s happening more often and is sooo uncalled for) I said a little curtly, “Yup…”

He looked at me and shook his head, “It’s a damn same…a damn shame. I read in the Dundalk Eagle about it, you guys were robbed back to back weren’t you?”

“Yup…” Also being asked that like I didn’t know was equally annoying as the tapping.

He kept shaking his head and then looked to the side of me like he was afraid of making eye contact, “I don’t know who the bastard was but if I did I would totally tell”

I raised an eyebrow, I knew this was about to get good and he did not disappoint me.

“You know I’ve been in jail for doing shit like that. It wasn’t worth a day I spent in that hell hole. But you know…if I knew who the bastard was I would totally go to the cops. I don’t care if they call that a snitch, squealer, or whatever but I’ll tell you, I’d tell the pigs in a heartbeat. I’d walk straight into the police office and tell them pigs exactly who the bastard was.” He looked at me for a second and then away and said, “it was a white guy with a hood wasn’t it?”

“That’s what the people who got robbed said” I said with a suppressed smile.

He looked at me with an incredulous face and shook his head, “Man that’s f-ed up…a white guy doin’ shit like that…man I can’t believe this shit!” He said in a ‘what’s this world coming to’ voice. Then after a small pause he looked at me with a wild stare, “You weren’t here were ya?”

“Nope, I wouldn’t have come back if I was. Though we’re thankful the two people who were here didn’t get hurt.”

He hung his head in shame and shook his head then looked to the side of me and said, “I told my girlfriend about the robberies, I mean it happened so close to my house! MY house! This is a good neighborhood. First you guys then another small place up the street get robbed. This is a good area; I used to live in a bad bad area before I moved here. I OWN that house, I don’t rent it…I BOUGHT it because this is a family community. I told my girl, I told her that if I knew who this mother f—I mean, excuse my language—If I knew who this m-fer was I’d tell them coppers everything, what he looked like down to that m-fers name! She looked at me like ‘whhaatt?’ cuz she knows I’ve been in jail. But you know, I want this place to stay safe. I mean I consider ya’ll a family business. You’ve been here for what…”

“9 years” I interjected in his long schpeal.

“9 years! You’re practically family, baby! Family! No one messes with family…’specially not nice establishments like your own…” He kept shaking his head.

At this moment with me trying to fight back a giant smile one of the weird homeless men shuffled into the store, he was wearing multiple hoodies and my new ‘friend’ looked at him and said loudly, “You’re not the hooded M-fer who robbed this place are you?!”

I am ashamed to say I almost laughed out loud and the frightened look on the homeless guys face, it was priceless! He shook his head violently and mumbled, “Nu-uh…” and he all but ran from the store.

“Where ya goin?! If you didn’t do it why ya runnin’?!” He took a step towards the door.

I said quickly so there wasn’t any un-necessary 911 calls, “He’s a regular homeless drunk we have around here.” I wasn’t going to admit that particular homeless guy did creep me out cuz he’d sometimes just walk into the store, stand at the door and stare out at the parking lot…then leave without a word but he never stole anything or made a scene so I didn’t want my new ‘friend’ to possibly harass him later.

“So he’s cool?” He said then looked down, “I mean I’m a regular around here and I will admit, I’ve had a little to drink this morning”

Ya think? That explains a lot however… “Yeah, he doesn’t cause trouble.”

He nodded like he understood, “Well, I guess I should gets ta goin’ You stay safe now baby girl and you let me know if you ever need anything. I also promise to keep my ear to the ground and if I find that mother…m-fer I’ll turn him in, ok baby? I-I’m also pray for you, you know cuz we gotta stick together and God is that glue, ya know. Ima pray for your safety and know that I’ll be thinkin’ of you guys and pray for you all to stay safe, ok?”

I smiled as friendly as I could and tried hard not to laugh, “Thank you very much, you have a great Thanksgiving tomorrow”

“You too baby girl” He nodded and touched the glass for a second and left the store.

As soon as he left I cracked up laughing. I couldn’t believe what just happened and wished I had the computer because it was epic! Don’t you agree?

Short and Not so Sweet Stories Part IV: You Know too Much

I hope you all had a fun family filled Thanksgiving and are still recovering from too much turkey. I’m sorry I didn’t post anything last night but I worked at Love Lips until 6pm. Why were we opened so long on Thanksgiving? I’ll never know because in 9 hours I made a grand total of $53.80! I almost couldn’t handle the work! Whew! But seriously…I’ll never understand why my corporation thinks we’d get customers on a family geared holiday is beyond me. I mean who’s going to be thinking about sex with your spouse when you’re forced to share your food with relatives you are forced to see twice a year due to a national holiday. We all know those relatives really don’t like you equally as much as you don’t like them. Sex just isn’t gonna be your first thought on days like Thanksgiving and Christmas let alone driving to a Porn Store! But just in case you didn’t care your relatives might be sleeping in the next room Love Lips was open! I just didn’t see you…Anyway! By the time I got home I was done for the night of basically sitting and doing nothing for 9 hours I figured you could pardon my absence from this wonderful blog for one more night. However! It’s Friday and the show must go on! Sadly it wasn’t a Crazy Phone Call kinda week but I do have a Short Story for your reading pleasure tonight. I also promise next week I have a great story about a particularly funny encounter with a man I have never seen before confessing how our fine rubber establishment is considered part of the family businesses in “safe” Dundalk. Oh it was epic and I will not keep this story from you any longer and post it next Monday! But for now, enjoy your Turkey weekend and don’t go into too much of a Turkey coma! Be safe and I’ll see you on Monday <3

Short and Not so Sweet Stories: Part IV

You Know too Much

Oh the slow days of the week sure know how to drag so slow I feel like I’m sliding into a time warp…and not the fun kind like in Rocky Horror. Today was one of those days and I was running out of books to read. I was contemplating possibly looking into getting the Nook E-Reader when the Love Lips jingle brought me back to the present; I stood up in my plexi-glass fish bowl and smiled at the two women who walked in. One was a smaller well-kept looking older woman with bottle blonde hair who had the look of Botox around her pulled cheeks but she was dressed for the outside world. However her companion looked like she just rolled out of bed and wore a ratty old sweat shirt and terrible looking jeans, I couldn’t tell if they were an item or just friends but the un-kempt looking one had the classic neon sign above her that spelled the word “lesbian” but who am I to judge a couple? She could be straight; there are plenty of manly women in Dundalk that were straight. So I set my first thoughts aside and said, “If I can help you find anything please let me know”

“Alright, we’re just lookin’ hon” Botox said with a tight smile.

I left them alone to look around. Sadly the fish bowl doesn’t allow a lot of hushed conversation to travel through but I watched them carefully because sticky fingers is a contagious disease around holiday’s and I didn’t want anything walking out of the store without it being paid for. I saw that Botox was whispering harshly to her companion and all I heard out of their quiet conversation was “just ask her”. I pretended I was really interested in something behind the counter when Botox walked up to the plexi-glass and said with a friendly smile, “This is gonna sound like a stupid question, though I’m sure you get those all the time”

“There are no stupid questions because I have definitely heard just about everything” I said, it was true, I’ve had heard just about everything, hardly anything surprises me anymore.

“I looked but I might have over looked them, do you have any of the double sided dildo’s that vibrate?” She held her hands up showing me she meant one of the 12” to 16” double sided dildo’s meant for vaginal and anal at the same time or for two women using it at the same time. She didn’t actually have one in her hand but the length she was showing me with her hands I could tell she meant.

“Yes we do, we only have one purple one above all the other ones you were looking at” I walked to the general direction of the double sided dildos in my tank. I pointed up to the top where the “U Send Me” double sided vibrating dildo was.

“Where?” She tried to follow my finger and touched everything but what I was pointing at.

“Up…keep going…over to your right…your other right…” It was like trying to direct a Chinese person in English. “It’s called U Send Me and it’s at the very top in a green box” It really wasn’t hard to miss but she kept looking very lost. I wasn’t comfortable leaving my fish bowl unless absolutely necessary because it only locks from the inside and anyone can walk into it if I have it open.

Thankfully her companion pointed to where it was and she took it down. “This is made for two people to use?”

“Yes, for double penetration for yourself or for two women” I put my hands in my pockets as she looked over the toy very carefully then turned and hung it back up.

She was looking at the other non-vibrating dildos and then walked near my tank and narrowed her eyes at me and said, “You really know your toys” She looked scandalized, “I wonder about you…” She waved her finger at me like I was a misbehaving child.

All I could do was blink and said under my breath, “Well I do work at a porn store?” I was thankful she didn’t hear my snide comment but seriously, if I didn’t know anything about toys I’d be worried.

“Thanks hon we were just pricing things today, we’ll be back” She waved happily at me even though she looked like I was hiding national secrets and her companion grunted at my tank and they left.

I mean seriously? It’s a porn store! If I didn’t know anything about the products I was selling I shouldn’t be working here! The only thing I can honestly say I don’t know much about is the ‘tobacco’ products because that is one thing I never have done or have any interest in using. But to each their own and apparently it is bad when you know too much about sex toys when you work at a sex toy store, who woulda thought?

Chronicles of (M): The Final Story

Here it is everyone! The moment you’ve been waiting for!!! This is the very last story from our beloved (M). We wish you well and will miss you (M) Thanks for the last and greatest story!

Chronicles of (M):

The Year Within 4 Rubber Dick Covered Walls.

The Final Story.

I want to remind all readers, all these stories are 100% true.

Going into this job I had no idea what to expect. Never did I expect the things I’ve seen and experienced. I hate to admit but I kind of enjoyed it. I smoked a lot of cigarettes, seen a lot of titties, before you think that’s a good thing there was just as much penis and cum shots all over the place.

Strangely we had quite a few regulars, - "Hal" he was sum sort of construction worker, always came in to buy magazines and they had to have the extra DVD. The magazines were all so old but he came in every few days to spend ten bucks on his porno. So working there for a year that’s a shit load of porn we accumulated a lot of strange regulars like- "Carter" older gentleman who looked like he was gonna touch little boys or would be "old-man-gay" but that wasn't the case. He came in to buy "features" so he called them. Once he came in and he was a smoker so when he showed up I was outside on my break. He pulls up and he gets out and smokes a cig with me. He shows me this spot on his car that had no mark but apparently he was driving and he hit the island in the middle of the road while driving home. He said "hey it could have been a black kid". (I’m sorry but I cracked up laughing, he’s old, I’m sorry. lol) I couldn't help but to laugh at the remark. He was creepy but he was ok. - "Kevin" This guy was pretty cool. He came in to look at the pipes and bongs we sold. He would always tell me about how great that K2 synthetic weed shit is and go on and on and on and on and on. Occasionally he would buy, but his focus was the liquor store next door.

Then we have the homeless guys. There were 2 of them mainly. "Poison the yell" - Steve (not his real name) He would come in and just start screaming and air guitar rocking out. When you looked into Steve’s eyes it was like he was looking through you. He took shots of anything he could get his hands on. He once told me "my life is great, I don’t need anything. I have everything I want. If I'm hungry and I walk everywhere, but when I’m hungry and I look in the trashcan I’ll find something to eat and keep going. If I want drugs they are everywhere here. Anything you want can be found in such a small town. Everyone is on something; it’s all about meeting up at the right time. By the way do you have a cig I can bum hahahaha" I have to admit I was a little envious of not the lifestyle but the feeling of feeling as free as this man does, I smile and of course went on with finding out more of this homeless man. Very interesting guy, my goal at one point was to find out where his life went wrong. Unfortunately Steve doesn’t have a very big attention span, so conversations were very short and hard to put together but it made sense. The other homeless guy was too quiet for comfort. He only asked to borrow cigs from me. Other than that he smelled awful.

Of course you have read my other stories including "Robb", "Holly and Frank", "Margaret", "Poison the yell", "Jeeper", "Franklin", "China shrink couple" , "Brittney and Rosa" . Trust me there was so many more. I got lazy towards the end. If you have read through these stories, a question that should come to mind is definitely how could I keep my composure during this. Not an easy task especially when 2 of those stories they were trying to defy my body one way or another.

I tended to get hit on quite often in this place, and I know that most men would be all about the fantasy bout fucking in a porn shop. I find something disturbing bout sex in that place. I mean all these beautiful women all over the walls with plugs in there asses and the damn poster is signed by the girl. All the stories I have written to you, and many visitations from many of my friends. All this sex and no one mentions STDs, so in my head I feel like STDs were smeared all over the walls and my only defense besides attempting not to catch anything is the cheap hand sanitizer that smells like old cake with bad frosting. I’m sorry but I’m not even thinking about sex due to that thought. Good luck future LC employees, ugh…uck.

The booths were the most horrendous idea ever invented. It was a 95-5 men to women ratio of using these booths. They paid $3.00 I sent these people on their way behind the magic badly put together swinging doors. These 5 booths just wildly smelled like cum. The 1990's videos we had to put in were like watching your grandmother do things you never want to see again. It became a hazard to me when one man "Jeeper" asked to suck me off back there. My comfort in the store was violated, raped and dragged to the hole in which it won’t be found till after the remains have deteriorated. Another man was just having himself a wildly fun time by screaming at the top of his lungs "THANK YOU!!!!! OH MY THANK YOU!!!!!!" My first thought is wow, I just fuckin got here and this is going on. He stayed back there having a good ole time, I even had other customers come in to buy things while this man in the back is huffing and puffing and groaning and moaning. So after about an hour of expressing his love for himself, it gets real quiet. He emerges from the offset swinging doors, and out comes this older white dirty man, very short Danny Devito like with a dirty white shirt very, and suspenders with khaki pants on. He walks towards the front of the store, looks at me and says...."nice day out today ain’t it?" I said with an awkward smirk and quick head shake in the affirmative "yea, it is ain’t it". He leaves the store and I never see him again.

Well it was a hell of a run and I’ll find more things to write about. I guess besides the freaks staring in from the window, all the cheesy unsafe updates. P.O.S Computer system and the robberies including me getting “Robb’ed”. I’ll miss the mutants that came in through one door, then when leaving attempted to walk out the next but ran into it because it doesn’t work, so they find the correct door and continue to leave only now they are embarrassed, because they fear they were just a character in porn shop stories.

I’ll also be on FAKING IT RADIO December 9th, talking more about "Porn Shop Stories" if you want to hear more of my stories!!!

The Chronicles of (M): The Final Chapters

The Chronicles of (M); The Final Chapters

Here it is guys, the final story... I’m not apologizing for anything said, but one year is gonna be cramped into one full true story, all the stories I didn’t write about, and being hard on the company I once gave 2 squirts of piss for. But here is a teaser story for the last and final Chronicles of me.

~(M)

Doped for Two and Katie

This story is a little different. We have a guest for this story being Bryan, one of my close friends and the two lovely ladies who decided that 10pm (our closing time) just wasn’t quite a good time for us to close. This day Bryan was here with me, when we got the pleasure of meeting "Katie and doped for two". Katie was an active member of Dundalk's finest and her buddy doped for two was a pregnant chick, who seemed to like methadone pills. Again, Dundalk's finest. Katie who had so many dumb questions I kinda forgot some of them, but there were a few that stood out. Question number 1 : "Have you ever seen a vagina big enough to take this in?" She at that point literally holds up the biggest dildo we had.

Unable to say what I was really thinking I replied with a simple, “No”. Bryan replied I’ve seen a "bear" once.

She asked "What?" with a classical Dundalk blank stare.

Bryan replied “Oh nevermind.” Sometimes there really isn’t a point trying to explain even the simplest things to people from Dundalk.

So as Katie walks around the store just picking everything her grimy un-virgin hands can pick up just cuz she can. It’s pushing past 10pm so I tell them both that our cash is down for the night as they did come in a minute before we closed. Katie goes on this huge trip about a penis pencil topper and how she only has cash to pay for it. I mean you woulda thought this penis pencil topper would have saved her life and doped for two from this mean evil world we call reality and drug addiction. As for doped for two I didn’t forget about her, while all this is going on, she was melting into the wall of dildos and masturbation tools that her doped up mind and sperm inside just couldn’t fathom to use. Normally I take it easy on the customer as I understand I’m catching them at an unusual time but this time I was pretty irritated considering I had somewhere to be that night. Katie is bouncing off the walls of dildos, and doped for two is face planting the wall of dildos. They really were two completely different drugs and two completely different types of people. These girls I can tell you right now wanted us, and wanted us to think about them in sexual ways. Possibly would have slept with us for a little bit of money or possibly another bottle of rum. Oh, I completely forgot to mention these girls were smashed, not just pills but they were "dranking it up" as well. I apologize for the late mentioning of this, I did say they were from Dundalk and the ones name is doped for two. Self explanatory. Doped for two btw who is a very quite character in this, is a prego chick who is all fucked up. I can only imagine little Kevin Jr is inside her belly just as high as Daddy sending his prego girlfriend to the liquor store. So after 15 min of walking around and into things, knocking things over and hoping their looks would save them from leaving without a penis pencil topper, which I can tell you did not work. They managed to slime out of the store before 10:30pm, and finally I could close the store. Who woulda thought these girls would have crossed our path and made it to "porn shop stories".

CPCF- Is This...?

CPCF- Is This…?

I’m not sure why 411 gives people Love Lips number to people but it’s quite amusing some people’s reaction.

The phone rang and I walked from outside of the fish bowl inside and hit the ‘Talk’ button and I said, “Hello, this is Love Lips, can I help you?”

“What is this?” the lady said in a thick Dundalk accent.

“Love Lips?”

“I-I’m sorry I really can’t understand you”

“Love-Lips” I said each syllable as clearly as I could.

“Nope….still can’t hear you; this is supposed to be Giant, the super market”

I sighed and said, “Ma’am you have the wrong number, this is L-o-v-e L-i-p-s, the Adult Novelty Store”

“Ooooohhhh!” She said like I had finally decided to speak English after speaking foreign language a few times. I shook my head. “I just called 411 and this is the number they gave me. I wonder why they gave me your number” She said confused and huffy.

“You’d be surprised at how many times we get phone calls from wrong 411 connections. Sorry about that”

“It’s all good, have a nice day” She said.

“You too” I said. I hung up the phone and waited for the call back. Usually we get 2-3 calls from the same person because the 411 people apparently don’t get the message that they are giving their customers the same number over again. But luckily I didn’t have to have another awkward conversation that day. Though let’s be honest, if you could buy your groceries AND dildo’s all at the same place, it would definitely be convenient!

Hash Anyone?

Hash Anyone?

Besides people thinking that the Weed Card Game we have in the glass case is real weed this was an interesting story that happened few months ago in the Summer time that I thought you guys would find equally amusing.

It was a very hot day and I was lucky to have AC in the little shop-o-toys. It was already climbing up to 80 degrees and it was only a little after 10 in the morning. I was looking outside at the bright day wondering how ungodly hot it was going to be when I got home when a young guy walked into the store. He had to be in his 20’s and was wearing a wife-beater tank with long shorts that really could have been considered pants but he looked like a normal looking guy even if he was dressed semi-wigger-ish. I said brightly, “Good morning, if I can help you with anything let me know, ok?”

“Thanks” He said very politely, “I’m just looking at your glass products” He walked over to the case and looked into the window at the ‘water pipes’ and ‘tobacco’ products.

I personally don’t find everyone’s fascination with getting high but it’s something that half the country does to cope with today’s stressful life-style. To each their own, right?

“Is this all you got in tobacco products?”

“Yup”

“Oh, well that’s alright, I stopped smokin’ a while ago, it just got old, ya know?”

I nodded, not really sure what to say because I couldn’t claim to understand because I had never smoked, not even cigarettes.

“It’s so hot out today, you don’t mind if I hang out here for a second do ya?”

“Nope, go ahead” I said casually, I couldn’t blame him for wanting to suck up some cold air before going back out into the heat. We made small talk, I’m sad to report that I don’t remember what we talked about but we talked for a good 10 minutes and eventually we ran out of things to talk about.

“Well, thanks for the air, have a great day, Ms.”

I smiled and said, “Thanks for keeping me company, have a great day”

“You too now” He opened the Love Lips door and then before he walked through it he turned to say, “Before I go, I wanted to ask you one more thing”

“Yes?” I was confused as to what he could possibly have left to ask, maybe our hours? Oh was I sadly wrong.

“Do you need any hash?”

Hash? Studiously? Ugh…So he was making nice talk so he could eventually ask the main question he had, did I want to buy marijuana…I smiled very tightly and said, “No I don’t smoke that…thank you.”

“Oh, alright, have a good day” And with that he swept from the Love Lips building looking as casual as could be. I would’ve never suspected someone like him to be a dealer but then again this is Dundalk, it takes all kinds, right?