CPCF- Mumbles the Creeper

CPCF-Mumbles the Creeper

 

I told you I would be back for another Crazy Phone Call Friday, and I kept my promise! So, from the title you can see I had a creeper encounter, though I think that’s a moot point because most of these entries are about one form of a creeper or another. But this guy totally wins the title as a creeper. Thankfully this creeper was just on the phone and not in person. I think if I had seen him in real life and had to have this conversation while looking at him I might have vomited in the trashcan that has a hole at the bottom of it. But now I’m just rambling….So here’s the story, fresh off the press;

I was working on an image in Photoshop to pass the time here at Love Lips when the phone rang. It had been a quiet morning, so as I hit the green ‘Talk’ button I tried to muster as much pep into my voice as I could, and failed horribly, “Love Lips, how can I help you?” I said in neutral voice.

The man on the other end was whisper-talking like he was either out of breath or trying not to be heard, “Yes, hello, do you have _______?”

I blinked, not having ANY clue what he just said, I don’t even know how to translate what I heard here on the computer for you because it was that inaudible. So, to bullshit my way through this creepy voice phone call, I said, “No we don’t carry that”

“You don’t have ________?” He repeated, again in an inaudible voice when he said the item in question.

“No” I said flatly, I was still deciding if this was the one guy that likes to call and ask prices of things for 15 minutes just to waste my time.

“Well then do you have ___________?” Again, his voice was clear enough, in his creepy whisper, until he said the name of what he was looking for.

Now I was getting frustrated so I said, “No we don’t have that either”, hoping he’d say ‘Oh ok’ and that would be the end of our creepy conversation. Of course I wouldn’t have that kind of luck the time I wished for it.

“Do you even know what I’m talking about?” He said in his raspy creepy whisper voice.

“Um not really, but I would think if I carried it I would’ve known what you were referring to”

“Ok…do you carry the Jesse Jane male masturbator?” His voice of course got more breathless as he said this.

“No we sadly don’t carry that one” I said, we get asked that often but they’re just too expensive.

“Do you carry the ________ porn star masturbator?” He said in another overly breathless voice.

“No we do not, we don’t carry any porn star masturbators we only have standard looking vagina masturbators.” I felt my patience wearing thin as my voice got very flat and matter-of-fact.

“Alright, where are you located?” Creepy asked. I REALLY didn’t want to tell him but we’re a business and I had to. So as I tried to pray he never find the location I said where we were located in Dundalk and he said, “Do you have any ________?”

I felt the last nerve I had for this creepy man fizz out with a loud crackle and said in a snappy tone, “Listen, you either need to speak up or speak more clearly cuz I can barely hear you!” I was done playing his little game and hoped if he was jacking off I just killed his buzz.

“Do you have glory holes?” He said more clearly, though sadly still with his creepy whisper voice.

“No we don’t have viewing booths” I said flatly, I could feel the anger staring to rise like a snake in the back of my mind.

“Well, do you still have glory holes?” Creepy insisted.

“If we don’t have viewing booths we’re not going to have glory holes, so no, we don’t” I said, the anger now bleeding into my tone of voice.

“Are you getting a tone with me young lady?” Creepy said in an extra creepy yet somehow annoyed voice.

“As a matter of fact I am, you’re now asking inappropriate questions and are being rather creepy about it. So do you have any other business questions?” I was DONE with this conversation. He mumbled something on the other line that I couldn’t here so I said very clearly, “Excuse me?”

“Shave your pussy” He said in his creepy voice.

I could feel my eye twitch as my voice slid through my teeth, “Excuse me, what did you just say?”

“Shave your pussy…..it’s hairy…..” He said in his super creepy voice, dead pan with no emotion.

“Alrighty, we’re done with this pointless conversation, good bye” I hung up.

Thankfully he did NOT call back and I am praying he DOESN’T come in. If he does, I don’t know what I would do. I feel like he would start licking the window or jerking off in front of me. A little extreme of me to think….but you didn’t hear his voice. I really wish I could’ve found a way to record it because he had a voice from a woman’s worst nightmare, no joke.