Valentine’s Day Vigilante
Ahhh…Valentine’s Day. The one week of the year besides Christmas week where Love Lips actually does good business! Both of those weeks I’m nice and busy helping people pick out outfits and buy toys to spice up their sex life for the special holiday. But what does a vigilante have to do with Valentine’s Day you ask? Trust me; this entry will be worth the time to read because it was way to epic not to write about. I also haven’t had many good stories to write about lately this definitely will make up for lost time.
February 14th wasn’t as packed as February 13th was but the last minute shoppers floated in and out like ocean waves. It was nice to have a store full of customers when we had a full wave of customers that started at 10am and continued throughout the day. I was enjoying the fact I actually got to help people and was able to rearrange things on the walls so we didn’t look as empty of product as we were getting. It was turning out to be a good day. Towards the end of my shift things got slower and I was getting antsy to go home myself. My wife had the whole day off to get the house ready for my Valentine’s Day surprise and I was starting to feel like a tiger in a cage with wanting to go home. But thankfully the front door jingled to alert me to an entering customer. “Hi there if I can help you with anything let me know” I looked over at the extremely intimidating biker man that sauntered into the store looking like the mannequin in the window had called him a pansy from the scowl he wore on his face looked.
“Yeah actually you can” His voice sounded as aggressive as his face.
I wasn’t going to let this one man ruin a whole day of productive product movement so I smiled and said, “What are you looking for?”
“I really don’t know” He rolled his eyes and walked over to the toys.
Eyebrow raised I said, “Are you looking for a vibrator, bullet, cock ring, dildo?”
He threw a glare my way and then sauntered up to the glass. “Well you see, I’m trying to find a vibrator for someone”
“Vibrators are all along the wall there” I made a hand motion to show him where they were, there was NO way I was going out from behind the glass with this guy. He screamed ‘untrustworthy’ in his mannerisms and I’d soon find out in other things and it was NOT because he was dressed as a biker dude.
“Are you sure these are vibrators?” He walked back over and eyeballed the vibrators like they insulted him as well.
“Yeah, are you sure she didn’t ask you for a bullet? It’s a common mistake and those are over there” I pointed to the bullets.
“Bullets?” He looked at me with a curious expression but then his face fell back into its severe lines, “What’s the fucking difference?”
If I had fur like a cat it would’ve stood up on ends, there was really no reason to get verbally aggressive with me. “A bullet is made to stimulate the clitoris and a vibrator is mainly used for vaginal stimulation” Yeah, I know they can be used for the clitoris as well but I wasn’t going to get into that with this guy.
He glared again at me and threw his hands up in the air, “Ya know this is for my friend. Not for my old lady, I have no idea what the fuck she wants! I’m just trying to get my friend a vibrator because I was on the phone with her the other day and she was bitchin’and moanin’ about how hers broke before we changed the subject”
Well you never said this was for a ‘friend’ you ass-hat! “Well then I’d stick with the vibrator if that’ what she was talking about”
He grunted and went back to look at the vibrators, “Which one would you pick?”
I HATE when people ask me this, it isn’t like Wal-Mart where I can say ‘Oh yeah this product works nice to get stains out’ this is a very personal product. “Well it depends on what she likes, it’s personal preference”
He gave me a huff and rolled his eyes at me like he could barely stand the sight of me, “Well I know that, but what do you recommend?”
“Do you have any idea what kind of---”
“No! I said; she’s my friend! We don’t talk about that kinda shit! I’ve known her for 20 years but we do NOT talk about sexual stuff!!”
I wish I could’ve growled. “Well then I can’t really help you because if I tell you I like something it doesn’t guarantee another woman is going to like the same toy” I was about done with this joker.
“Well show me the bullets again” He grumbled.
“They’re over there” I pointed again to the area the bullets lived at.
“I don’t see them” He was standing in front of them.
“All the boxes labeled bullets, are bullets”….precious…(insert growl)
He turned around slowly to glare at me again and his face turned a slight shade of red, “Ya know I’m not tryin’ to be a dick about this, but I can’t read well so I have no idea where these damned things are!”
Could have fooled me with the not trying to be a dick part, precious…So thus began a game of ‘In front of you….No, no more to your left…Up…Up one more…No, too far…To your right…Too far! Go back…there!’
Both of us now frustrated with one another, he whipped around and said, “Listen I said I wasn’t tryin’ to be a dick! I can’t read!”
“Well I’m not trying to be a bitch but we have this cage up for a reason, I can’t come out of it to point stuff out to you, I’m sorry” A white lie never hurt anyone, especially when he looked like he wanted to smack me before we got bitchy with each other.
Dawning understanding hit him and he said with a shadowed face, “You guys get robbed here?”
“Yes, twice” I said flatly with my own signature Chilean glare.
He looked disgruntled, “Tell me which bullet to pick” He pointed to two bullets to choose from. I of course made the choice of the White Knight Bullet because it’s a great bullet (personally speaking) and more expensive.
He took the bullet off the rack and came over to pay, “Ya know that’s bullshit that you guy got robbed, I hate fuckers who rob from the little guys. Were you ok?” He fixed me with a neutral stare.
I was a little stunned at his change in tone and the neutral stare, “No, I wasn’t here”
“Good, good. Don’t worry, while I’m here I’ll protect ya” He tried to smile but it was more like Disney’s Beauty and the Beast when the candelabra tells the Beast to smile…awkward and terrifying.
“Well thank you” What else was I supposed to say?
He grunted, “I’m sorry again if you thought I was being a dick”
Wow….now I kinda feel bad… “I’m sorry too; I just can’t leave the cage”
“Oh I wouldn’t want you to if you guys got robbed! Ya know I’m kinda like a super hero down at the bar I’m always at. No one gets robbed there anymore cuz everyone knows I’ll fuck you up if you try robbin’ someone. Everyone knows I carry guns and knives on me at all times”
Now I was REEEAAALLLYYY glad I never left the cage…I nodded and kept ringing him up and testing the product to make sure it vibrated correctly.
“You know, if you’re gonna rob someone, rob the government! They’re shittin’ on the little guy so don’t go robbin’ the little guy who can barely make ends meet. Ya know?” I smiled awkwardly myself but he didn’t notice as he paid for the bullet, “Seriously though if I was gonna rob someone, I’d rob a bank or a big government building because they’re the ones with all the money. All they do is take and take from everyone else. Take it back from them not your peers. Ya know? I may not have finished school but that just makes sense, ya know?”
“Yeah I can see how that makes sense” What was I supposed to say other than ‘sure!!! You are absolutely right! Please don’t decide to not like me and shoot me’ *smile*
“Well I’m sorry for ranting and preachin’ to ya for so long, have a good night” He did another Beast-like smile and left the store.
Let’s just say I was REALLY glad when I got to go home after all that. I hope you all had a GREAT Valentine’s Day! <3
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