Numbed by #1

Good Rainey *Rainey* Evening my Stories from a Porn Store Followers!! So, this morning I went through some of my old Face Book entries looking for stories I wish I could have elaborated on. Now I have this wonderful blog spot to do so! Anyway, I stumbled upon a very unfortunate conversation I had that I have to share. Now, as unfortunate as the conversation turned out to be, it was highly entertaining afterwards. I must warn you this story is not for the faint of heart, it is sexual in content and I am not trying to offend or over step my blogging boundries. If you have an issue with sexual matters please read no further. But if you are comfortable with your sexuality and think you can handle it (because it is rather amusing) please read more.... 

Let me set the mood. It was Monday February 28^th in the afternoon when I noticed a gentleman outside maybe in his late 30’s with dirty long hair, hillbilly looking, and kinda dirty looking in general pacing back and forth in front of one of the giant windows of Love Lips. He was on his phone yelling at someone and this being *classy* Dundalk I figured if he wasn’t blocking the doorway too much and didn’t seem to be scaring anyone he was OK with pacing around the giant brick pillar to the right of the store because it was far enough from the doors people could get in and out without problems. These pacing and random yelling phone calls went on for a good hour or so. Then after close to an hour he disappeared for about 10 minutes. I was thankful we only had a few people come in because he was a tad strange (obviously). But that was sadly my first mistake, thinking he had wandered back to whatever hole he crawled out of…..

The door chimes to Love Lips jingled and I looked up to greet the new comer only to see it was the greasy looking hillbilly that had been pacing like a caged tiger for over an hour walk through the door and right up to my counter. He looked around me anxiously like something shiny might pop out from behind me. So to fix this awkward silence I said, “Hi, can I help you?” I smiled a charming smile trying to get his wandering eyes away from the tattoos on my chest and thankfully it worked well. I got a semi-human awkward smile then he moved closer like he wanted to whisper something that only I could hear.

“Hey, I got a question for you….it’s kind of a weird question”

Hmm…A weird question for a sex store? Please! I’ve probably heard it all (I hope), so hoping this would be short and sweet so I decided to quiet the little hamster running over-drive in his brain by answering his request, “It’s ok, I’ve heard a lot in here, what’s your question?” Again I smiled, praying this wasn’t going to be a story that scarred me forever.

“Well I had a bad anal experience with that stuff Anal Ease….”

For those of you who do not know what Anal Ease is….Anal Ease is a numbing agent that is supposed to be applied on the outside of the anus and you are to let it sit for 10-15 minutes for it to kick in to the full effect, that way the recipient on the sexual advance wouldn’t feel as much pain during intercourse because let’s face it things are NOT suppose to go in that end only out. Ok enough bad visuals, back to the story……

“Ok….” I wasn’t quite sure where the question was to this comment so I continued to look at him with a questionable look on my face half hoping he’d elaborate half wishing it would end here.

“So I bought this stuff right. I put some on my girlfriend and was going to just slam it in there like a man should on a woman cuz you know it’s the man’s right to give it to a woman like that” He ws making unnecessary thrusting gestures at this point. I was also still waiting for a question but the agony continued, “Ya know? I was about to go to town BUT my mistake was I took a big handful of that stuff and put it all over my d*ck beforehand.”

Ding ding you won the prize, champ! Problem solved! Eyebrow raised I said gently (cuz we wouldn’t want to pop the masculine go), “Well it is a numbing agent and not a lubricant so that was probably not a good idea.” Not to mention real life isn’t like a porno so anal ease or not “slamming it in” would be a terrible idea and a painful one for anyone receiving it. A few choice words crossed my mind of what I thought of “what a man should do to a woman” but I kept those unsavory comments to myself because everyone in entitled to their own life styles. But as he looked at me kind of triumphantly for whatever reason I could see the hamster in his brain running full force causing smoke that I could see coming out of his ears.

“Well duh!” He said and I assumed he said that so he didn’t sound as idiotic as it actually sounded.

So I said again, hoping now there was a real question at this point because the way it was going I was just the “lucky” person to hear this unfortunate d*ck numbing story. “Was there a question?”

He ignored my question and continued to banter again about more things that happened, “But lemme tell you I couldn’t feel a da*m thing! Not a DA*M thing! I mean I was smackin’ it all around….HARD smacks…Smacks you could hear” Lucky me, he decided it was a good idea to demonstrate what it looked like smacking his peter as he made fake smacking skin on skin sounds. I wanted to scratch my eyes and ear drums out but I kept a stained smile of false humor as he looked at me for approval and then it went on, “I mean a smack that would bring any normal man to his knees but here I was just smackin it around feelin’ nothin’ at all!” I suddenly felt very sorry for his girlfriend and that this image would forever be burned into her brain cuz the idea was definitely now burned in mine.

“So was there a question?” I said in an equally strained voice that I had to clear my throat for before my voice cracked from wanting to just laugh and cry at the same time.

“So do you think Anal Ease would be a good idea to get again?” He said quietly as he leaned closer over the counter now anxious for my answer.

Studiously!? I smiled big and said, “Sure, just this time don’t use it as lube” He and I laughed together for a second before his phone rang.

He picked it up angrily and rolled his eyes at me and said “It’s my Mom again” He walked a few steps away and answered the phone.

I gratefully went back to looking over my phone and texted what just happened to my girlfriend and got to listen to him talk very rudely to his Mother.

“No Ma we’re not! So what?! Keep callin’ I’ll do it just to piss you off!” He hung up angrily and made a “tisk” noise with his teeth and tongue. “Crazy woman. My girlfriend and I aren’t married and she keeps calling hoping to stop us from having sex outside of marriage.”

My eyebrows shot up in disbelief and yet…relief. Really? Mommy was really desperate to keep you from breeding….She should get a medal….

He took my thoughtful raised eyebrow look as a look of sympathy for his situation because his next words were, “Yeah I know! Crazy b*tch!” He started to back towards the door as he ignored the phone call again from who I assumed was his Mother. “I mean if I wanna f**k my woman all night long I’m gonna f**k her good and if I have ta I’ll let her hear. Crazy bible thumper! I’m sure you understand those crazy religious people, huh?” I kind of just stared at him in disbelief and he nodded pretending I had agreed with him then without warning he waved his hand and said his goodbyes and left the store. My mouth slightly agape I watched him scurry away like a loose ferret away from the store. My head was spinning after he left and I realized there never was any question in his over elaborate story and demonstration….He just REALLY needed to share his unfortunate sexual experience with someone he hoped would understand and sympathize that he took a giant handful of a numbing gel and rubbed it on like lube. Oh well, I guess it’s a lesson everyone needs to learn at least once if you don’t believe the box warnings. Oh the joys of working at a Porn Store…..

P.S. As I wrote this story in the morning at Love Lips after my morning routine of making the store look pristine my STARING friend knocked on the window to make sure I saw him. We waved and smiled at one another like a good far away friend should. It’s so heartwarming and creeptastic because as he walked back from the liquor store I guess he forgot to STARE at me properly because I saw him walk back from passing the store to make a deliberate STARE, making sure I saw he was watching…..I can now officially continue with my day *sigh*