"Blemished"

“Blemished”

This is a truly special story that I sadly cannot take credit for hearing about it first-hand. I am posting this after hearing about it way past when it happened. As I’ve stated before Love Lips is corporate owned and the higher-ups in this cooperation have many duties. Apparently the woman who hired me, named Chrissie, married to Concord at the Rossville Love Lips, who works at our warehouse also checks any returns that are sent back to the warehouse.

Now before you get your panties in a twist the only things returned to the warehouse are broken DVD’s and toys that failed when being tested before someone takes a toy home. Yes, for those of you who are snickering, we have to ‘test’ toys before they leave, but they are NOT tested the way your perverted mind is thinking (trust me that could be a whole story in itself). When we test toys at Love Lips the employee simply puts batteries in the toy and turn it on to see if it; 1) turns on at all AND 2) does what it’s supposed to. Nothing would kill your wallet and mood more than buying a $20+ dollar toy only to find it didn’t work at home AND you couldn’t return it. So for everyone’s happiness we test them before you walk out the door. Make sense? Good. Back to the story!

So a mass E-mail was sent out about Returns. Apparently all the stores were sending back toys that actually worked. Now being on the other end, I personally have tested a toy that didn’t work so I tossed it in our return bin only to find later that day that it starts vibrating for no reason. So I can see her frustration at this. I read over the E-mail and called the warehouse to ask about the Jungle Jigglers (the #1 most sent back but also properly functioning toy that is mistaken for being broken). For those of you who don’t know what a Jungle Jiggler is, it’s one of those wonderful toys with a rotating shaft in the shape of a penis with a bunny/butterfly/wabbit/dolphin clitoris stimulator at the bottom of the shaft, so it hits all the right spots. It is one of our cheaper double functioning toys and tends to not rotate as wide as some of the others. So I wanted to ask Cheryl if she could describe how wide the rotation was suppose to be because I’ve found the purple wabbit tends to hardly rotate compared to the pink rabbit. She also had said that the beads aren’t supposed to rotate only the shaft is. But my understanding was the beads help the shaft to rotate. So regardless, I called the warehouse hoping to speak to Cheryl. It was 3pm so there was a 50/50 chance she may have already left for the day.

“Love Lips Warehouse, can I help you?” It was the financial manager and HR lady, Shelley who answered.

“Hi Shelley, its Sireana, is Chrissie there?”

“Sorry hon, she already left for the day can I help you with anything?” She said helpfully.

“I was going to ask her about the return E-mail.” I went into my question about the rotation and bead question thinking she may be able to help me.

“Um…I actually have no idea, I really don’t know how half of that stuff works!” She said honestly. If this had been an anime I would’ve fallen on the floor. How could you not know anything about the toys and work for a toy company??  Well, I guess she does only do things that involve numbers…“Chrissie is the only one who handles the return items and actually knows what half this shit does cuz she works in the Rossville store 3 times a week” She said matter-of-factly.

“Oh, I didn’t know she was working over there” I said conversationally. Shelley was a good woman and means well; she just was unable to help me this time around.

“Yeah, so you may just want to take all of them off the floor and test them all and see if that can answer your question…because she really does have to open and test every single stores returned items”

“Wow, yeah I can see that being frustrating” According to Shelley in a previous conversation we had she told me that Love Lips owns over 13 stores, not all of them are Love Lips, some are named other things.

“I’m just glad I’m not the one checking the returns that’s all I can say” She said with a hint of humor behind her words.

“What do you mean?” Curiosity is my middle name.

“Well what helped spur this E-mail is that apparently at one of the other locations she got a toy that was marked as ‘blemished’” she started laughing and had to settle herself before she continued, “when you think of blemished you think a black spot or a hair on it or something, right?”

“Yeah” Now I’m REALLY curious as to where this story is going.

“Well she opened up this butt plug that was returned for being ‘blemished’ only to find that it had pieces of poop allll over it!” She burst out laughing.

“Oh my God!!” I couldn’t help but laugh because what else can you do?? It was HORRIBLE thought!!!

“Apparently someone had taken this butt plug off the shelf, shoved it up their ass, decided they didn’t like it and put it back in the box. A customer brought the closed box to the employee working and said it looked used and so he marked it saying it had a ‘blemish’!!” Laughter ensued.

Still laughing myself, I said, “There’s a BIG difference between poop stains and a dark spot”

She laughed louder, “Oh I know!! It’s an on-going joke around here at the warehouse; no one is allowed to say that word now!!”

“I’d hate that word too! I don’t know if I honestly can hear or say that word now without thinking about this now”

She continued to laugh with me and I’m pretty sure we were both almost crying, “So next time you see her make sure you say the word ‘blemish’!”I couldn’t do that to Chrissie but holy geez… “You all don’t know what happens behind the scenes at the warehouse, this isn’t the worst story that’s for sure, just one of the funniest”

“Oh wow…Thanks for the good story Shelley!” My sides hurt from laughing and I sat back down.

“You’re welcome! Have a good night Sireana”

“You too Shelley” We hung up still giggling. But seriously, will YOU ever think of this word again without thinking of poop stains? I sure as hell won’t.