Game Hop- A Christmas Story

I hope you all had a WONDERFUL Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, Yule, and anything other religious day that happened in December. I sure as heck enjoyed the spirit of the holiday season and did as little as possible. I needed those two days of relaxing with loved ones. I hope you all were able to also enjoy the days off to the fullest as well. But I realized later that I forgot to post last Friday and this Monday, I apologize!! So to make it up to you all, here is a good one to make up for the forgotten Friday’s post (I apologize)! Enjoy!

Game Hop, a Christmas Story

That’s right; I feel lazy today and only removed one letter from the store’s real name. But lazy is the main theme of this holiday story. I’m not quite sure why special situations seem to follow me everywhere but they do…so in spirit of the season of giving, my gift to you guys this year is this special…special…story……Enjoy!

After I left Love Lips at 5:00 pm on December 24rth, I was feeling anything but the holiday spirit because I had a migraine pressing the inside of my eyeballs. But the holiday’s wait for no man or woman with a throbbing forehead, I had gift cards to get! These last few gift cards meant I was finally finished my holiday shopping. So, I stopped in at B&B Works to get my Mom a gift card for nice smelly lotions and bath soap and got pulled into buying stuff for me and my wife. How can you resist buy three get three free? I mean seriously…But what I didn’t expect were the sneaky loop holes in the ‘deal’ that pertained to the nice cologne I got for my wife. So I spent a good 10 minutes arguing over the ‘deal’ with the cashier before I admitted defeat and let them take my money. So I left the store, confused, head pounding even harder, and sad that I still had 2 other stops before I could go home and take Excedrin to get rid of my migraine.

One of those stops was the world-known game store, Game Hop. I wasn’t looking forward to the crappy parking because it was close to a Wally World. I was lucky to find a front row spot however, even though most of the entire shopping center was full of cars. I rubbed my temples praying that Game Hop wasn’t going to be filled with a ton of people as I walked towards the store. As I entered the store I saw a young woman sitting on the counter, a decent line of customers, and one younger man ringing people up. I internally groaned but trying to remain positive as I walked up to the counter where the young woman sat and before I could speak she said, “I know you!” Her voice was very sllllooowwww, like she was from the South or on drugs. I definitely couldn’t place her, though I noted she had striking blue eyes that really stood out because her skin was a deep caramel color. “I know you from Dundalk!” She said again very slowly but somehow chipper.

The fact she knew exactly where she saw me was kind of creepy because I couldn’t remember her at all. She continued to stare at me expectantly so I said helpfully and a little tersely, “Well I never worked at a Game Hop?” I didn’t mean for it to sound like a question but I was curious how she thought she knew me.

“No, I definitely saw you somewhere in Dundalk…” She said mater-of-factly in her slow voice.

The migraine pushed the insides of my eyeballs again and I said shortly, “I never worked at a Game Hop, I work at a Love Lips in Dundalk.” So unless I helped you buy a dildo, I really have no idea where I know you from, lady…

“Do you go to Bank of America…?” Her big blue eyes got wider like she just had an epiphany.

“Yes…” Ok so maybe that made sense but it had to be only once because I usually can pin-point who is going to the bank for Game Hop in Dundalk, they’re all usually heavy set nerdy men.

“So that’s where I know you from!” It was like someone hit the ‘talk faster’ button because she said it in a normal voice this time and still oober chipper, like we were BBF’s.

So I smiled like I understood her enthusiasm and said, “Do you guys sell gift cards?” A dumb question yes, but who knew if they had any left, it was the holiday’s after all!

“Yeah!” She said brightly and looked at me with her pretty but blank eyes for a second before turning to face the young man ringing up people. “Hey Grove, another $20 gift card!” She said in an un-necessarily loud tone to Grove who stood not even three feet from her. She looked at the line and said, “I think the line starts there” she pointed at another lady waiting in line.

“Thanks” I took my spot beside the lady because the line was in a weird L-shape because no one really knew where to stand. I played with my phone and updated my wife on where I was and we were talking about dinner plans. As I was texting I over-heard something that made the manager in me cringe.

Grove said, “Is the pizza back there up for grabs?”

Blue eyes said, in another un-necessary loud tone, “Ewww don’t eat that! That pizza’s been back there for, like, two days…” She laughed a tinkling laugh and the manager in me wanted to send her pretty little ass back to wherever said pizza was a clean it up and probably clean the entire back room because if two day old pizza was just sitting out, God knows what else was back there.

“I guess I’ll have to call my Mom to bring me something” As I looked up from my phone I saw he was just standing there talking while ignoring the lady in front of me. I bristled, this was ridiculous. Eventually the woman snapped and asked for her gift card. He did it with a heavy sigh and she left, gift card in hand. Finally it was my turn…he rang through the gift card, “How much did you say it was for?”

“20” I said and then looked down at my phone, my wife had just texted me. As I texted her back he groaned and mumbled because the gift card wasn’t ringing up so he swiped it 4 times before it went through.

“Do you have a membership card?” He said.

“No…” I said as I texted fast.

“Its 20 dollars” He said in a bored voice.

I put my $20 cash on the middle of the counter and finished my text. The register binged and he just stood there. I was in the middle of a text when he sighed loudly and when I looked up he was just staring at my $20’s that was in reaching distance if he leaned a fraction of an inch towards it. I stared at him and he stared at the money like he was expecting me to call him King and hand the money to him on a silver platter. I pushed the money barely an inch closer to him and then continued to read my wife’s new text. He grumbled and picked it up and handed me my gift card.

“Have a nice night” he said flatly and popped his gum looking at me like he’d rather have his nails done in hot pink.

“Yeah……I’ll try after coming here” I said under my breath. I left the store with a bigger migraine than I came in with. As I got into my car I vowed if I ever continue to say in management I would NEVER hire anyone who has worked at Game Hop EVER. That was the worst customer service I’ve had in a long time and I pity their poor manager and according to my gamer friends, most of them are like that or worse. Epic Fail.

Don't Tap on the Glass!!! Part 2

Don’t Tap on the Glass!!!

This is one of my new favorite short story forums I’ve created thus far. It’s frustrating when someone taps on the glass and ask stupid and obvious questions but that frustration usually turns into a wonderful funny story…so I guess I can’t complain too much, right?

#1- The Shocked and Disbelieving…and Heart Broken?

It was a cold winter night (not sure where winter went but we did have a few winter days!), coming to the closing of my long 8 hour shift. The Love Lips jingle alerted me to someone coming into the store. A heavier set woman entered and smiled shyly at me from behind her scarf. “It’s cold out there”

“Yeah it is definitely getting colder” What else are you supposed to say?

She looked at me with a confused expression. I was slightly worried I had something on my face and then a look of something suddenly hitting her bloomed on her face. “Did you guys get robbed?” She stopped moving towards the toy section and stopped right in front of me, expectant and slightly scared.

“Yeah…We were robbed twice in a week before Thanksgiving” Why lie? She didn’t look like she’d take my usual ‘yup’ response.

“Oh my God” She said in a choked voice. I wasn’t looking at her but hearing the soft sob in her voice I looked up quickly and saw she literally had tears in her eyes. “Was everyone alright??” She asked, her voice still full of emotion.

Flabbergasted at the real tears in her eyes I said quickly to assure her, “Yes, everyone who was working was OK, no one was hurt”

“Oh thank goodness” She said breathlessly and she blinked quickly to stop the tears and then moved into the store to continue her shopping.

All I could think was…Don’t cry for us Argentina?

#2- The Demented and…No, Scratch that…Just Plain Dumb-

It was mid-afternoon and I was really getting into the book I was reading when the Love Lips jingle sounded. I begrudgingly set my book aside only to see that 3 young adults came bumbling inside giggling and snorting like they could barely handle being in a store that was sex oriented. Mildly annoyed I said, “Can I see your ID’s guys?”

“Man…I don’t have my ID” the girl of the group said in a whiney voice.

The other, who were boys, showed me their ID’s and sadly proved they were of age to be in the store. I looked at the girl and said, “Without your ID I can’t let you in the store” I was bracing myself for a verbal fight when she groaned and cussed under her breath as she stomped out of the store. Thankful I didn’t have to threaten the police (that’s happened in the past) I turned my attention to the remaining boys, “If I can help you with any--”

“Were you guys, like robbed or something?” He tapped the glass with a wide-eyed look at me.

“Yes, we were” I said coolly.

“Seriously?!” He said in his best high-skater boy voice.

“Yeah…” I said, my patience for them was growing thin. The other boy with him was guffawing to himself.

“What’d they steal? Sex Toys?” He grinned like he’d said a bad word to a teacher and his friend crowed with annoying teenage laughter.

I raised an eyebrow and though, this ladies and gentlemen is why weed is bad for you… “No, they stole cash”……because that’s what real robbers do……precious…I’m sad to say I answered him in a very condescending tone but I really wasn’t in a mood to play with delinquent kids.

His guffawing friend elbowed him, “Duh, man why would they want toys and not cash?” then continued to laugh, because that was his role in this duo, I guess.

“Well….I’d steal the toys, their more fun” He said to cover his wounded ego from his laughing friend. He stole an approving glance from me to see if I found it funny so I smiled a thin smile. They went straight to the ‘tobacco’ section and laughed and talked amongst themselves.

Sadly they bought nothing but at least it was blog worthy of a story, right?

"Blemished"

“Blemished”

This is a truly special story that I sadly cannot take credit for hearing about it first-hand. I am posting this after hearing about it way past when it happened. As I’ve stated before Love Lips is corporate owned and the higher-ups in this cooperation have many duties. Apparently the woman who hired me, named Chrissie, married to Concord at the Rossville Love Lips, who works at our warehouse also checks any returns that are sent back to the warehouse.

Now before you get your panties in a twist the only things returned to the warehouse are broken DVD’s and toys that failed when being tested before someone takes a toy home. Yes, for those of you who are snickering, we have to ‘test’ toys before they leave, but they are NOT tested the way your perverted mind is thinking (trust me that could be a whole story in itself). When we test toys at Love Lips the employee simply puts batteries in the toy and turn it on to see if it; 1) turns on at all AND 2) does what it’s supposed to. Nothing would kill your wallet and mood more than buying a $20+ dollar toy only to find it didn’t work at home AND you couldn’t return it. So for everyone’s happiness we test them before you walk out the door. Make sense? Good. Back to the story!

So a mass E-mail was sent out about Returns. Apparently all the stores were sending back toys that actually worked. Now being on the other end, I personally have tested a toy that didn’t work so I tossed it in our return bin only to find later that day that it starts vibrating for no reason. So I can see her frustration at this. I read over the E-mail and called the warehouse to ask about the Jungle Jigglers (the #1 most sent back but also properly functioning toy that is mistaken for being broken). For those of you who don’t know what a Jungle Jiggler is, it’s one of those wonderful toys with a rotating shaft in the shape of a penis with a bunny/butterfly/wabbit/dolphin clitoris stimulator at the bottom of the shaft, so it hits all the right spots. It is one of our cheaper double functioning toys and tends to not rotate as wide as some of the others. So I wanted to ask Cheryl if she could describe how wide the rotation was suppose to be because I’ve found the purple wabbit tends to hardly rotate compared to the pink rabbit. She also had said that the beads aren’t supposed to rotate only the shaft is. But my understanding was the beads help the shaft to rotate. So regardless, I called the warehouse hoping to speak to Cheryl. It was 3pm so there was a 50/50 chance she may have already left for the day.

“Love Lips Warehouse, can I help you?” It was the financial manager and HR lady, Shelley who answered.

“Hi Shelley, its Sireana, is Chrissie there?”

“Sorry hon, she already left for the day can I help you with anything?” She said helpfully.

“I was going to ask her about the return E-mail.” I went into my question about the rotation and bead question thinking she may be able to help me.

“Um…I actually have no idea, I really don’t know how half of that stuff works!” She said honestly. If this had been an anime I would’ve fallen on the floor. How could you not know anything about the toys and work for a toy company??  Well, I guess she does only do things that involve numbers…“Chrissie is the only one who handles the return items and actually knows what half this shit does cuz she works in the Rossville store 3 times a week” She said matter-of-factly.

“Oh, I didn’t know she was working over there” I said conversationally. Shelley was a good woman and means well; she just was unable to help me this time around.

“Yeah, so you may just want to take all of them off the floor and test them all and see if that can answer your question…because she really does have to open and test every single stores returned items”

“Wow, yeah I can see that being frustrating” According to Shelley in a previous conversation we had she told me that Love Lips owns over 13 stores, not all of them are Love Lips, some are named other things.

“I’m just glad I’m not the one checking the returns that’s all I can say” She said with a hint of humor behind her words.

“What do you mean?” Curiosity is my middle name.

“Well what helped spur this E-mail is that apparently at one of the other locations she got a toy that was marked as ‘blemished’” she started laughing and had to settle herself before she continued, “when you think of blemished you think a black spot or a hair on it or something, right?”

“Yeah” Now I’m REALLY curious as to where this story is going.

“Well she opened up this butt plug that was returned for being ‘blemished’ only to find that it had pieces of poop allll over it!” She burst out laughing.

“Oh my God!!” I couldn’t help but laugh because what else can you do?? It was HORRIBLE thought!!!

“Apparently someone had taken this butt plug off the shelf, shoved it up their ass, decided they didn’t like it and put it back in the box. A customer brought the closed box to the employee working and said it looked used and so he marked it saying it had a ‘blemish’!!” Laughter ensued.

Still laughing myself, I said, “There’s a BIG difference between poop stains and a dark spot”

She laughed louder, “Oh I know!! It’s an on-going joke around here at the warehouse; no one is allowed to say that word now!!”

“I’d hate that word too! I don’t know if I honestly can hear or say that word now without thinking about this now”

She continued to laugh with me and I’m pretty sure we were both almost crying, “So next time you see her make sure you say the word ‘blemish’!”I couldn’t do that to Chrissie but holy geez… “You all don’t know what happens behind the scenes at the warehouse, this isn’t the worst story that’s for sure, just one of the funniest”

“Oh wow…Thanks for the good story Shelley!” My sides hurt from laughing and I sat back down.

“You’re welcome! Have a good night Sireana”

“You too Shelley” We hung up still giggling. But seriously, will YOU ever think of this word again without thinking of poop stains? I sure as hell won’t.

CPCF-Piercings

CPCF- Piercings

HORRAY for another Crazy Phone Call Friday!!! This actually happened on a Friday after I had already lined up Part IV of the Short and Not so Sweet Stories. So I figured I’d save this one for December because it was priceless…

It was coming to the end of a long evening at Love Lips and I was very much ready to go home. My fiancée had stopped by to pick up the computer on her way home so I was reading a novel from the library when the phone rang. I marked my place as I reached over to get the phone. On the second ring I hit the ‘Talk’ button, “Love Lips, how can help you?”

“Hey Sireana, its Concord” A man said on the other line.

“Hey Concord, what’s up?” Concord worked over at our sister store in Middle River, closer to where I lived.

“Hey, I got a lady over here looking for piercings, I think I remember the last time I worked over there you guys had some.”

“Yeah we have assorted jewelry, what kind was she looking for?” I said, I am always looking to get rid of some of this body jewelry they gave us, it wasn’t a big seller.

“Hey ma’am what kind of body jewelry were you lookin’ for?” Concord asked her and I heard a woman’s muffled voice but couldn’t make out what was being said.

When Concord didn’t reiterate what the woman said and was very quiet I decided to list the types of jewelry we did have, “We have tongue, belly button, and eyebrow rings in metal and plastic” I said to him and I listened to him list off what I said to the woman over the phone.

There was another short pause as she said something to him and the next time he spoke his voice sounded a little strained, “Do you have any piercings lower than the face?”

“Like belly button rings?” ‘Lower than the face could range from nipple rings, belly button rings, and clitoris rings. Yes I said clitoris rings. Why people get their clitoris pierced is beyond me, it sounds excruciatingly painful. I also think it would be easily removed, not in a nice way, because the skin there is so sensitive and thin. But whatever floats your boat, right?

“Like piercings for ‘down there’…” His voice got tiny and awkward.

We both work at porn stores, why couldn’t he just say it? So I said, “Like as in for the clitoris?”

“Yes…” His voice got more awkward.

Strange, Concord is always very out-spoken and I didn’t realize despite him working there for God knows how long he had issues with saying something that is pictured all over the store. “She can come look but I have no idea what gauge and style that is.”

“O-Ok…well expect two ladies to stop by to look”

“Alright! Thanks Concord”

“Yeah…bye” He said quickly and hung up the phone.

I guess it’s just me who’s alright with saying clitoris, vagina, penis, and other assorted words I have gotten strange looks for saying. I sometimes think people forget what kind of industry this is, those words happen!

Do Not Tap on the Glass!!

Do Not Tap on the Glass!!

If I had a quarter for every time someone taps on the new plexi-glass fish bowl the Love Lips employees now reside behind I’d be pushing a millionaire. I am thinking that I need to update you all of the priceless questions I’ve heard and responses I’ve made for your viewing pleasure. I don’t think anyone can fully understand the aggravation that happens with the new fixture and I shouldn’t keep it all to myself. So here are a few good ones for you, and I’m sure I’ll be updating this list as the year passes by.

#1- The Shocked and Disbelieving

A man, who looked like he was one of the happiest people you could ever have the pleasure running into, walked in our store and with a smile that would put Johnny Depp’s smile to shame. Mr. Smiley tapped lightly on the plexi-glass and said to me in a joking voice, “What’s all this for? You all get robbed or something?” He smiled another big dimpled smile.

Already thoroughly annoyed with being asked this question I said somewhat cynically, “Yeah actually, we got robbed twice in a row” I smiled a thin smile.

If I could’ve taken a picture I would have, Mr. Sunshine’s face totally deflated on itself and he looked shocked, angry, sad, and annoyed all rolled into a questionable look of pure emotion, “Are you serious?!”

“Yup…” Nope, we just really liked how it looked?

He parted his lips and let out an exasperated sigh, “Unbelievable…I’m glad you’re all ok” He almost looked like he didn’t want to believe what I just told him.

#2- The Demented and Slow-This has happened so often it may show up more than once with these installments.

Enter the image of an overly large hilly-billy man to a young African-American thug, I’ve been asked this mainly by men to varying degrees. They always tap three times usually loudly or softly enough that it feels like nails on a chalk board, “This is new”

“Yup…” No shit Sherlock!  I didn’t notice that I went from NOT being behind a plexi-glass cage to having one! It was like magic! Just add water!!! (Enter more cynical sarcasm here)

“Why’d you put this up?” Followed by a few more taps and moving un-necessarily close to the glass looking down at me.

“We got robbed twice” Why sugar coat it?

“Seriously?” Now imagine varying stages of incredulity, blank, and un-sure looks from befuddled men.

“Yes” Nope, I like lying that two of my employees were held at knife point!!

“Oh…” Then they always continue walking into the store…that or ask me again if I’m serious about us being robbed.

#3- The Claustrophobic Question.

The CORRECT way to ask if being behind a plexi-glass cage is Claustrophobic; A very nice older woman walks into Love Lips asking me questions about bullets, I come out from behind the cage and help her pick one out that she might like. It was a very good sale transaction and she was very friendly. As I’m ringing her up she leans in close to the turn-style and says, “Aren’t you Claustrophobic back there?”

“You get used to it after a while, honestly.” I stamp her receipt as ‘Tested OK’.

“I couldn’t handle being back there, I’d go stir-crazy. Does it at least make you feel safe?”

“Yeah, it kinda does and we definitely haven’t had any issues since it’s been put up” It was true; no one had been questionable since it’s gone up. I pushed the turn-style around so her purchase showed up on the other side.

“Well take care of yourself” She took her bag and left the store.

The INCORRECT way to ask if being behind a plexi-glass cage is Claustrophobic; A very robust man waddled into Love Lips and tapped on the glass saying, “You guys get robbed?”

“Yes” I said in a tired voice. I was still sitting in my chair and debating if I really wanted to stand up just yet.

“Oh wow I LOVE your tattoos!” He pressed himself up against the plexi-glass and almost smeared his greasy nose on the glass to look down at me, his one hand slowly petting the glass.

Yes, this was beyond creepy but I also was thanking my fishbowl from keeping him on one side, AWAY from me…God only knows if he would’ve leaned over the counter to pet ME if it wasn’t up.

“My wife just got a cherry blossom tattoo…branches that go over her chest…” He pet both sides of his chest showing that the branches would spread across both of her breasts if she was here all the while staring at my tattoos.

“Cool…” I stood up then and pretended to be busy answering an E-mail from the warehouse as he went into the store to look around.

He sadly didn’t buy anything but came back to where I was and said, “Don’t you get Claustrophobic back there?”

“Nope” And today I could’ve kissed my damned fishbowl from protecting me from people like you!

I hope you enjoyed Don’t Tap on the Glass!! I will hopefully have other good stories for you later this month so keep checking back!!!

Best Whipped Very Much?

Good Evening my Fellow Followers!! I apologize for the lack of stories on this blog for quite some time. I sadly ran out of things to write about. I hate that we go through these waves of crazies to write about and then they just stop coming in. Therefore making it hard to write about anything fun. =(  So instead of trying to write a 4 stories a week I’m going to cut it back some. So for those of you who are still checking back for good stories I’m going to start posting things on Monday’s, Wednesday’s, and Fridays. So please keep your eye on the blog!!! So, without further ado here is Monday’s installment to my crazy adventures at Love Lips, enjoy!!

Best Whipped Very Much?

That’s right; our Best Whipped friend came back and still as neurotic as ever. I was actually surprised to see her come back because most of the people I’ve written about on this blog usually don’t come back. Though the ones that do come back usually don’t let me down and always give me something else to write about a second time around! I’m actually kinda glad she came back because after I wrote about her in Best Whipped too Much? She came in one more time and looked depressed and worse for the wear. So despite the fact that she’s still doing whip-it’s she was back to being a bubbly good natured girl again. I’m getting ahead of my story however, so let me back track and start you at the beginning!

It was a busy night for Love Lips and my shift was slowly coming to a close when the Love Lips jingle sounded yet another customer in the store. I was marking my page in the book I was reading when I looked up to see the overly-sunny smile full of braces on the Best Whip Girl. I smiled at her as I stood up and said, “Hey hon, how are ya?”

“Good, good! You having a good day?” She said brightly.

“Yeah” I smiled at her and then said, “What can I gettcha?” I already had a feeling I knew what she wanted but how many was the question.

“My usual, the 50 count Best Whips, please!” She said with another brace-filled smile. As I went to retrieve the box she said, “I’ve actually cut down on how many I use! I mean I’m sure you remember how many boxes I bought last time!” She laughed at her own inside joke. I smiled at her as I walked back to ring them up and she kept talking, “I mean I haven’t been in here for quite some time, I think the last time I was in here you were the one working…No…there was another young lady here and I actually came in with my Mom. I feel bad buying these when I’ve driven here in my Mom’s new car. I’m sure you remember the old loud car I had; she just got a new one. Yeah, the last time I was here I was with my Mom and she was freaking out because she came to buy a vibrator for herself and I made her buy me best whip’s while we were here. She was SO weirded out and kept saying, ‘I can’t believe I’m buying this while you’re here!’ like OMG, like I didn’t know she had one” She laughed loudly.

All I could do was blink at her rapid-fire conversation and smile and laugh a little, hoping she didn’t catch that I kinda had no idea what she just said to me. I told her the price and as she put the money in the turn-stop and then she looked at me with an intense stare, “Did you all get robbed? Is that why you are behind glass now?”

This was not a new question, it really is kind of an annoying question because it’s OBVIOUS that we are behind glass BECAUSE we got robbed but I didn’t get annoyed with her asking the question because she really means well. “Yeah, we got robbed twice in a row”

“Oh-My-God! Girl! You gotta be safe! Were you here when it happened?” Her eyes were as big as saucers.

“Thankfully no I wasn’t here and we’re also very lucky the two people that were here were un-harmed” Very thankful btw!

“Well good! OMG I remember I once worked at this little pizza place in White Marsh and there was this guy who tried to rob me. It was scary as shit. I was outside smoking and this yo-thug-guy who came up to me and told me to give him my money, I was a young kid then and just told him to fuck off. He grabbed me by the throat and dragged me behind the dumpster. I started screaming and kicking and another co-worker came out and scared him off and I never saw that fucker again. But damn girl, you gotta be safe!”

I was speechless. That was a very intimate story and I know why she needed an ‘escape’, though I’m sure that’s not the only reason. She looks like she has a lot of reasons why she kills brain-cells with whip it’s. But my heart did go out to her; I don’t think I would’ve recovered from being attacked like that…so kudos to her. “I’m glad you were safe, and don’t worry I’ll be alright.”

“Good, good. You be safe baby girl. See you next time!” She waved with another bright smile and left the store.

I wonder what deep stories I’ll find out about her next time I see her.

Mastering the Silent Creeper

Mastering the Silent Creeper

Yup, you read that right. There are not many people are worthy of mastering such a technique. The only worthy people tend to be psychopath killers in horror movies, my fiancée, and best friend. True Story, I promise. This story however did not happen at Love Lips, it happened at my neighborhood Woowoo (a gas station and also deli…don’t hurt yourself thinking too hard about what it’s really called, just go with it) but like My Starschmucks Adventure it was good enough to be added to my blog nevertheless.

It was the beginning of the month of November when this happened, right after work. I had a request from my fiancée to stop at Woowoo to get a soft pretzel for her and because it was on my way home and she was already at home. I really didn’t want to stop anywhere, I just wanted to go home but she doesn’t usually ask for much so I decided I should be nice and get her one. It was already dark out and it felt like it was closer to 9pm rather than 6pm. It was relatively busy at Woowoo considering the time but I thankfully found a parking spot on the side of the building with ease. I went into the fine establishment of Woowoo only to find they were clean out of soft pretzels. I walked around the normal areas they stack them and checked in the deli section where the hot dogs were. I texted my fiancée I was coming home empty handed and while I pouted at the sad face she sent back to me I headed towards my car. I was typing back to her with my phone in both hands and my keys tucked under my arm against my breast when I saw that I couldn’t get into my car. There was a little Hyundai next to me that had both the driver and passenger side doors open, inches from touching my car and a younger girl in her 20’s bent over collecting trash from her back seat. I sent my text and then waited patiently for her to finish cleaning because she looked like she was about done. I watched her stand up and move a few things around before she went to shut the passenger side door. She realized I was standing there and jumped at seeing me. I smiled. I don’t know why I didn’t say anything but I was expecting her to say “Oh I’m sorry, here let me shut the doors so you can get into your car” because it was obvious I was trying to get in my car. Apparently I was wrong. Instead she just stood there staring at me like I was going to breathe fire. Feeling super awkward I smiled more and pointed to my car as if to say, “I need to get in my car?” Nope…she kept staring at me her mouth slightly open…After what felt like 4 hours she said slowly, “You…scared me…” I was having fun watch her be nervous, why? I don’t know! All I did know is I was envisioning my best friend doing this because she has done this exact thing to me a thousand times and it never gets less awkward even though I’ve known her for 4 years. After a few more painfully silent moments she finally closed her doors and watched my hand that was holding my phone and keys to my right breast like I was gonna pull out a knife and shank her right there. Instead, I silently got into my car and as I pulled away. As I drove away I saw her walking away typing fast on her phone. All I could think was how proud the Master’s of the Silent Creeper Society aka my fiancée and best friend would praise my development in this fine art. I also laughed because that poor girl was probably posting on FB that I was the creepiest person she’s ever met. Ever.

Epic.

Win.