How Much?

How Much?

Ahhh Friday! How I love you for many reasons. One, you’re the end of my work week at Love Lips and bringer of the weekend of fun times and lazy days! Two, you are also the bringer of another Crazy Phone Call Friday!!! Huzzah! I’m so glad to have yet another crazy story to tell!

It was Valentine’s Day week, and the entire week we were doing good business so there wasn’t too much down time but when there was it was d-e-a-d. So when the phone rang I answered it gratefully, “Hello Love Lips, can I help you?”

“Yeah, how much are your dildo’s?” A young man asked on the other line.

“They start out at $15.95 and go up from there” I said, this seemed liked a simple question with an easy answer.

“How about your vibrators?” He continued his string of questions.

“They also start, I believe, at $15.95 and up”

“Why are they so expensive???” He snapped at me.

Instant annoyance flared so I said in a sassy tone back to him, “Cuz they vibrate?” Jack-ass!

There was a short pause before he said in a, what I guessed was his sexy voice, “What are you wearing?”

Ignoring the obvious immature wackadoo I was speaking to I said firmly, “Do you have any other business questions for me?” Your ‘sexy voice’ sounds like a poorly done flamboyant gay man voice btw…

“Yeah, what are you wearing?” He said again.

“That’s none of your business” I said in an evil tone.

“Oh but I’m so horny for you, baby” He said in a crooning tone that ended with a snicker.

Great, we have another annoying phone person… “…And you need to get a life” I hung up the phone no longer willing to deal with his annoying game. But as I placed the phone back in the charger I thought of how gay he sounded, so wouldn’t that disqualify me from him wanting me? Hmmm…I did however have a bad feeling I was going to be hearing from our closet gay friend again because that was an obvious prank. Oh well, it just means he’ll end up back on the blog where we all laugh at his stupidity, right?

Who Are You?

Who Are You?

I have a theory… Crazy stuff happens when I have the computer in my lap and I am working on another story for the blog. That always seems to be the moment in time where a real winner walks in and makes my day hit that oh so special WTF-O-Meter. Like today! Let me elaborate……

It was a steady day today and I was, as I said before, writing another separate story for this blog when the Love Lips door jingled. I folded up the lap top and said, “Hi, how are you?"

A short man in a blue wind breaker, puffy eyes, in his late 40’s with a drunken look said with a wide eyed stare in my general direction, “Who am I?!”

I will admit I was a little shocked at his reaction and what he thought I said, so I said slower and louder so he could hear me from behind the glass, “…I said; How are you?” I tried to smile but his obvious drunken state kind of made it waver.

He looked at me with an ‘I don’t know about you’ face and then said, “Oh…” He fixed me with another sketchy face and continued, “What’s this? Bullet proof glass?” Tap-tap-tap on my glass his dirty fingers raped.

“Yes” I said flatly. I wonder how long I’ll have to tell this story. It happened such a long time ago now.

He wandered up and down the cage looking at how far it went and then said in my general direction. “Did you all get robbed or something?”

“Yeah…” Why do people always ask that? We put in plexi-glass because it looks good? Come on! OF COURSE we got robbed!!!

“Do you know who did it?” He said suspiciously.

If we did, they wouldn’t have robbed us now would they? “Nope” At this point I was looking for something to write all this down with so I could add this to a Short and Not So Sweet entry for later, little did I know this was going to be much longer and more epic.

“Did it happen more than once?” He kept prying.

I was losing my patience, “There were two guys, that’s all I know”

“Well was they Caucasian or a negro?” He said in a sinister tone.

Are we in 1950?  “I have no idea I wasn’t here” I realized he was standing right in front of me and would’ve been breathing down my neck if there wasn’t plexi-glass. Sometimes I really like the cage where it is…like today…

“Oh…you wasn’t here…” He glared at me for not looking at him and then stalked out of the store with a scowl on his face.

I was relieved my new creeper left the store and when I sat down I opened another window in Microsoft Word to add this new story. I was working on an abbreviated version so I could come back to it later. But I didn’t get far when the Love Lips jingle sounded again. To my bewilderment Mr. 20 Question’s was striding up to my window again and fixed me with a serious look.

“Who owns this place?” He demanded.

“We’re owned by a corporation” I said flatly.

“A corporation…” He said slowly like he was forcing his brain to process this information. “So you’s don’t own this place?”

“No sir, I do not” I blinked at him.

“Well you know if you guys would’ve paid me $100 I would’ve fucking killed those two bastards for you”

Blink-blink. Was I suddenly in the Twilight Zone? “Um…Well I doubt they’re coming back” Not to mention we have the cage up. Not to mention even if I did own the store privately I would definitely NOT pay you to creep my customers out…

“Well no shit they ain’t comin’ back!” He looked at me like I was a moron for saying that then said passionately, “You guys shoulda paid me, not them coppers.” He got a wild eyed crazy look and leaned as close as he could to the glass without hitting his forehead and said, “…cuz you know they’re fuckin’ thieves themselves…they are…” His drunken eyes got wider and he nodded like he had just shared vital information with me.

All I did was smile an awkward smile because I had no idea what to say or do and then without another word he left as quickly as he came, booze in hand from the liquor store next to us. God, what a day……

So how was your day?? *Smile-Blink-Smile*

I-695 and Other Tales?

I-695 and Other Tales?

I was talking to my wife the other day saying how boring Love Lips has been and that I’ve officially started to run out of good blog topics. We started to think about anything else crazy that we have witnessed worthy of a blog update. My brilliant wife reminded me of two very, VERY, special stories and I believe it is something that you all will enjoy.

I-695

This happened a year ago but it is totally worth writing about. My wife and I were driving towards Essex on I-695 on our way home from somewhere the other end of the beltway. It was rush hour and we were making pointless conversation, talking about anything because the traffic was moving at snail pace. We were coming around the bend near Towson when the traffic started to pick up. I was ranting about something when I noticed two cars diagonal from us roll their windows down. One of the cars was playing horrible rap music and I said, “Really? I don’t want to listen to that…” I was turning up my CD of rock music when my wife continued to move forward, traffic was breaking yet again and everyone was driving 40 miles an hour. “Sweet! We’re finally moving!” I say sarcastically.

“Do you want to take the back roads?” She said as she eyeballed taking the Loch Raven exit.

“Nah…It’ll get better around the bend” I said as I sat back in my chair and then I gasped and pointed. “Oh-My-God…are you SERIOUS?!”

“What??” My wife said in a concerned voice and then followed my finger.

The two cars diagonal from us were doing something very special. The passenger in one of the cars literally was hanging 90% of his body out the car window as the driver of the car moved dangerously close to the car with the dangling man. I was hardly able to believe what I was seeing; the car pulled INCHES from the other car as they drove 30 miles an hour down I-695. The man hanging out of the one car wobbled and tried to keep his balance as he reached into the other car’s driver side window. I covered my mouth to suppress a giggle as I saw him give the driver money and then receive a baggy of drugs. The cars were weaving back and forth, almost touching as they the traffic picked up speed. They had to be doing 50 miles an hour as the man dangling from the window ungracefully and slowly pulled himself back into the car. I looked around at the other cars wondering if anyone else found this completely INSANE. That man had been dangling from the car, holding onto the window frame with his knees. My wife and I were laughing because we had no idea what to think. That literally was the most insane thing I think I’ve ever seen on the highway besides watching an old lady knitting as she drove. What is this world coming to? I mean you seriously couldn’t be like any other normal drug dealer and do this in a parking lot full of a lot of people?

….and Other Tales?

Since we’re on the topic of drugs let’s add another to the mix, shall we? This one is equally as special, I promise! So, this happened about 3 years ago when I first met my wife at a New Age store in White Marsh. We were thinking about dating and spent half the night sitting in my car talking about things, getting to know one another. It was probably 2am and our conversation was slowly winding down due to sleepiness and we were talking about possibly going on a real date instead of sitting in each other’s car when across the parking lot two supped up cars screech into a Food Dog parking lot. Curious we both look over and the two cars roll their windows down.

“I hope we’re not going to get shot” Horrible scenario’s flashed in my over imaginative brain.

“Nah, it’s probably a drug deal” she said to me.

“How do you know?”

“I live in Reisterstown, I’ve seen plenty” She said half teasing me for my naivety, and half totally serious.

So we watch as two smoking hot girls get out of both cars and the volume of the music in one of the cars goes up to the point we can hear it from over where we are, which is a good distance away. The girls start to dance up against the cars and with each other, screaming and laughing as they danced to the music. Now you would think that two lesbians would be like, “Oh look! Hot chicks!! Let’s watch……” Nope we were watching the super dark windows slide down and a drug exchange being made. The girls danced and talked super loud for a good 10-15 minutes before they hoped into their car and both sped away in opposite directions. Thinking that they had made a good enough distraction as the drug exchange was made. Too bad it just drew attention to that fact…

So the moral of this blog entry kids, is if you’re going to do a drug exchange…… DON’T BE SO STUPIDLY OBVIOUS YOU MORONS!!!! Just because the purple hippo stopped staring at you after your high crashed doesn’t mean humans can’t see you get more drugs to stop the hippo from eating your toes later. This message brought to you by: The person who sees your epic fail attempt to be smooth and un-obvious at getting/dealing drugs.

CPCF- Call This Number

CPCF- Call This Number

LOOK!!! A Crazy Phone Call Friday!!! I promised you guys I’d post one on Friday and here it is!!! I am probably overly excited about this but I miss writing for this series of my blog. So please excuse the dorkiness. But I hope you enjoy the entry nevertheless. So here…we…go!

It was Monday afternoon, it had been dead ALL day and I was slowly going insane regardless of reading a fantastic book on my Nook Simple Touch, the day was THAT slow. So when the phone rang I was grateful to be doing something other than reading. “Love Lips, how can I help you?”

“Well hello there” A man chuckled in an overly friendly tone.

“Um…hi…?” I said slowly, I had a feeling this wasn’t going to be a good conversation.

“How’s business? Have ya been busy?” He said with a smile in his voice.

“Yes we have” I lied, the bad feeling increased about where this conversation was headed.

“Well now the question is; is that a good thing for you?” He joked teasingly and chuckled again.

I felt my eyebrow twitch, this wasn’t our ‘how much are your cock rings’ guy but he was becoming equally as annoying so I said in a even yet firm tone, “Is there something I can help you with?”

He chuckled like my firm voice was amusing to him; it really made me wish I could punch him in the face, “I have a deal for you” He said in a silky tone.

“Excuse me?” I said in an irritated tone. I know I’ve written about this guy before but I never found out what this deal was, so I figured I’d keep going.

He chuckled again, “I said I have a deal for ya, do you have a boyfriend?”

“I don’t believe that’s any of your business” I said, my tolerance waning.

His chuckle turned into laughter, “Well do you?”

“What do you want?” I said pointedly.

“I want to offer you a deal…” He said in a sleazy voice.

“Tell me what you’re talking about or I’m hanging up” I was only keeping this conversation going for the blog’s sake.

His voice faulted for a second, “Well, like I’ve been saying I want to offer you a deal, now what I’m going to do is give you a phone number…I want you and your boyfriend to call it in 2 hours”

Seriously? This is insane! I wonder how many people actually call! “No thanks” I said flatly.

“But you haven’t---” He stammered.

“I don’t need to hear anymore of this ‘deal’. Get a life and never call this number back” I hung up the phone and placed it back in the charger.

Some people really have no life, maybe next time he calls, for everyone entertainment I’ll call the number he gives out and see how crazy the phone conversation really gets LOL

CFCP- Hired Males

CPCF- Hired Males

YAY!!!! It’s another CPCF entry! I was getting very sad with the lack of fun conversations I’ve had on the phone with people lately. Sure we’ve had some special wrong 411 calls but nothing that was blog worthy. Then around Christmas we got a phone call worthy of being written so here it is, the first CPCF that we’ve had in a long time and also the very first CPCF for 2012!!

The phone rang, I begrudgingly put down my book and hit the ‘Talk’ button and said, “Love Lips, how can I help you?”

“Hi, I was wondering if you hired males?” A younger sounding man said on the other line.

“Excuse me?” I sadly was thinking he was talking about prostitutes.

“Are you hiring?” He said with a sardonic voice then continued before I could answer, “I’ve been calling all over Dundalk and no one is hiring. You’re the last store on my list…” He said in a tired voice, “So do you, like, have an application or hire at all?”

Wow…Alright then… “I’m sorry but we’re not hiring right now but I can print you out an application if you come in. We’re a smaller store and don’t hire often because we don’t have a big turnover rate, I’m sorry. But I’d be happy to print you an application” I said in a very sympathetic voice, I was unemployed for 6 months before I finally got a call from Love Lips, so I know how hard it is to find a job. I also know some people take applications to prove to unemployment they’re looking for jobs.

“Oh ok…” He said in a defeated voice but then said in a slightly annoyed tone, “I wasn’t even sure you hired male workers” He said it slowly and clearly like he was trying to make a point.

Instant irritation hit me. Seriously? You’re going to be a jack-ass to me after I apologized when I didn’t have to? Grrr!!!!Ass-hat! So I said in a strong voice to be very clear, “Of course we hire men. If we didn’t that would be discrimination and sexist. We had two men working at one point so I’m not sure where you’re going with this…”

“O-Oh………Ok well thanks!” He hung up in a hurry.

This isn’t the 1800’s where jobs were defined by sex…not to mention most adult stores are usually all men- at least all the ones I’ve ever been in. What an ass-hat. But at least it made for a good story, right?

Men's Section

How was everyone’s New Years?? Can you believe its 2012? I sure as hell can’t!! 2011 flew by, I’m still getting used to writing down 2012 instead of 2011. I hope you all had a GREAT New Years Eve’s and didn’t party too hard. Well, now that it’s the New Year I am looking forward to seeing what happens here at Love Lips. I know I apologize each week for not posting on the days that I assigned myself but lately it we haven’t had many memorable people. So I sadly think I’m going to cut down my writing to 2 times a week. I haven’t quite come up with a good schedule but when I do I will let you all know. So for now please bear with me and keep checking back for updates. I’ll have a schedule figured out by the end of January, I promise! But for now, this Monday I have a good story for your enjoyment. Thank you for your continuing support!! Now, I have a question for you all…If someone said to you do you have a “men’s section” what would you think? Clothes, right? Well apparently I was wrong.

Men’s Section

. I was musing how it was almost 70 degrees in December when the Love Lips door jingled early one bright and sunny morning. A younger gentleman who looked to be in his early-thirties who was surprisingly clean shaven and dressed rather nice came in. I only remember this because in Dundalk no one really dresses like they’re going to be seen by other people. Hygiene is optional and clothes that you wore last week are acceptable here so when you see someone who is dressed normally, you notice. It is sad but very true here in Dundalk, no joke.  So back to the story! I smiled and said, “Good morning, if I can help you with anything let me know”

I usually don’t get ‘yeah I need help’ from men so I went back to doing my morning paper work when he walked over to the front of my fish bowl and leaned in to say, “Yeah…um…do you have a men’s section?”

With my eyebrow raised I said, “Men’s lingerie is right there” I pointed to the left of me where there was a bright neon green sign said “Men’s Lingerie” that no one ever seems to see.

He walked over to the section and paused before saying to me again, “Is this all you have for men?”

“In lingerie, yes, everything we have is out on the floor, we don’t have back stock.” I now looked up to see he had moved closer to the front of the fish bowl again and stared longingly towards the toy section. “What exactly are you looking for?”

“A men’s section…” He said kind of wistfully and moodily.

“What do you mean by a ‘men’s section’?” I was really not getting what he meant by that.

“A section that is specifically product for men?” He said with a sheepish voice.

Now getting slightly irritated I said, “Are you talking about toys?”

“Yeah” He said, like he’d never thought of asking such a question.

“What kind are you looking for?” I said in a flat voice, this was getting slightly ridiculous.

“Um…toys for men?” He said like I was thick.

“Like butt plugs? Pocket pussies? Penis Pumps? Cock rings? Penis Extensions?” I mean seriously, If you are looking for something specific TELL ME! I’m not a mind reader!!!

“Butt plugs?” He snorted and looked slightly offended but then sobered up when I mention the rest of the toys, “Yeah, I wanted to look at the pocket pussies”

“They’re down here” I walked down the length of my cage and pointed to the ‘men’s section’ and said “closer to the magazines” I wasn’t sure about getting out of my cage to show him everything because we’re technically not supposed to leave it but I do sometimes if people just really can’t find something.He walked around that section for a while and then perused the DVD’s before he went back to the pocket pussy section and picked one out then brought it to the turn style. The transaction went without words and when I said, “Have a great day” he just ignored me. I will never understand why men get so wigged out being in a sex toy store to the point of not being able to tell the clerk what they’re looking for. It’s like they’re buying tampons…only a sex toy is more fun that a tampon in my opinion…But maybe not for some people? Oh you know what I mean!

Game Hop- A Christmas Story

I hope you all had a WONDERFUL Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, Yule, and anything other religious day that happened in December. I sure as heck enjoyed the spirit of the holiday season and did as little as possible. I needed those two days of relaxing with loved ones. I hope you all were able to also enjoy the days off to the fullest as well. But I realized later that I forgot to post last Friday and this Monday, I apologize!! So to make it up to you all, here is a good one to make up for the forgotten Friday’s post (I apologize)! Enjoy!

Game Hop, a Christmas Story

That’s right; I feel lazy today and only removed one letter from the store’s real name. But lazy is the main theme of this holiday story. I’m not quite sure why special situations seem to follow me everywhere but they do…so in spirit of the season of giving, my gift to you guys this year is this special…special…story……Enjoy!

After I left Love Lips at 5:00 pm on December 24rth, I was feeling anything but the holiday spirit because I had a migraine pressing the inside of my eyeballs. But the holiday’s wait for no man or woman with a throbbing forehead, I had gift cards to get! These last few gift cards meant I was finally finished my holiday shopping. So, I stopped in at B&B Works to get my Mom a gift card for nice smelly lotions and bath soap and got pulled into buying stuff for me and my wife. How can you resist buy three get three free? I mean seriously…But what I didn’t expect were the sneaky loop holes in the ‘deal’ that pertained to the nice cologne I got for my wife. So I spent a good 10 minutes arguing over the ‘deal’ with the cashier before I admitted defeat and let them take my money. So I left the store, confused, head pounding even harder, and sad that I still had 2 other stops before I could go home and take Excedrin to get rid of my migraine.

One of those stops was the world-known game store, Game Hop. I wasn’t looking forward to the crappy parking because it was close to a Wally World. I was lucky to find a front row spot however, even though most of the entire shopping center was full of cars. I rubbed my temples praying that Game Hop wasn’t going to be filled with a ton of people as I walked towards the store. As I entered the store I saw a young woman sitting on the counter, a decent line of customers, and one younger man ringing people up. I internally groaned but trying to remain positive as I walked up to the counter where the young woman sat and before I could speak she said, “I know you!” Her voice was very sllllooowwww, like she was from the South or on drugs. I definitely couldn’t place her, though I noted she had striking blue eyes that really stood out because her skin was a deep caramel color. “I know you from Dundalk!” She said again very slowly but somehow chipper.

The fact she knew exactly where she saw me was kind of creepy because I couldn’t remember her at all. She continued to stare at me expectantly so I said helpfully and a little tersely, “Well I never worked at a Game Hop?” I didn’t mean for it to sound like a question but I was curious how she thought she knew me.

“No, I definitely saw you somewhere in Dundalk…” She said mater-of-factly in her slow voice.

The migraine pushed the insides of my eyeballs again and I said shortly, “I never worked at a Game Hop, I work at a Love Lips in Dundalk.” So unless I helped you buy a dildo, I really have no idea where I know you from, lady…

“Do you go to Bank of America…?” Her big blue eyes got wider like she just had an epiphany.

“Yes…” Ok so maybe that made sense but it had to be only once because I usually can pin-point who is going to the bank for Game Hop in Dundalk, they’re all usually heavy set nerdy men.

“So that’s where I know you from!” It was like someone hit the ‘talk faster’ button because she said it in a normal voice this time and still oober chipper, like we were BBF’s.

So I smiled like I understood her enthusiasm and said, “Do you guys sell gift cards?” A dumb question yes, but who knew if they had any left, it was the holiday’s after all!

“Yeah!” She said brightly and looked at me with her pretty but blank eyes for a second before turning to face the young man ringing up people. “Hey Grove, another $20 gift card!” She said in an un-necessarily loud tone to Grove who stood not even three feet from her. She looked at the line and said, “I think the line starts there” she pointed at another lady waiting in line.

“Thanks” I took my spot beside the lady because the line was in a weird L-shape because no one really knew where to stand. I played with my phone and updated my wife on where I was and we were talking about dinner plans. As I was texting I over-heard something that made the manager in me cringe.

Grove said, “Is the pizza back there up for grabs?”

Blue eyes said, in another un-necessary loud tone, “Ewww don’t eat that! That pizza’s been back there for, like, two days…” She laughed a tinkling laugh and the manager in me wanted to send her pretty little ass back to wherever said pizza was a clean it up and probably clean the entire back room because if two day old pizza was just sitting out, God knows what else was back there.

“I guess I’ll have to call my Mom to bring me something” As I looked up from my phone I saw he was just standing there talking while ignoring the lady in front of me. I bristled, this was ridiculous. Eventually the woman snapped and asked for her gift card. He did it with a heavy sigh and she left, gift card in hand. Finally it was my turn…he rang through the gift card, “How much did you say it was for?”

“20” I said and then looked down at my phone, my wife had just texted me. As I texted her back he groaned and mumbled because the gift card wasn’t ringing up so he swiped it 4 times before it went through.

“Do you have a membership card?” He said.

“No…” I said as I texted fast.

“Its 20 dollars” He said in a bored voice.

I put my $20 cash on the middle of the counter and finished my text. The register binged and he just stood there. I was in the middle of a text when he sighed loudly and when I looked up he was just staring at my $20’s that was in reaching distance if he leaned a fraction of an inch towards it. I stared at him and he stared at the money like he was expecting me to call him King and hand the money to him on a silver platter. I pushed the money barely an inch closer to him and then continued to read my wife’s new text. He grumbled and picked it up and handed me my gift card.

“Have a nice night” he said flatly and popped his gum looking at me like he’d rather have his nails done in hot pink.

“Yeah……I’ll try after coming here” I said under my breath. I left the store with a bigger migraine than I came in with. As I got into my car I vowed if I ever continue to say in management I would NEVER hire anyone who has worked at Game Hop EVER. That was the worst customer service I’ve had in a long time and I pity their poor manager and according to my gamer friends, most of them are like that or worse. Epic Fail.