California Bullet
I was digging deep into my Face Book the other day when I stumbled upon this gem of a day from way back in 2010. I remember this was shortly after we had the viewing booths put into our store and it was still slow business wise for us. I was amusing myself with a book when the Love Lips jingle sounded and I looked up to see a younger guy come in, “Can I see your ID?”
“Yeah…” He said in a dazed tone. Great, my day jut started and I’m already dealing with a high as a kite guy. I checked his ID and he was 21. “If I can help you find anything, let me know, alright?”
“Sure” He said in a tongue-tied voice. I watched him closely because he looked like he may have sticky fingers. He kinda slid down the counter and then stopped hypnotized at the Power Bullet’s on the counter. “What are these?”
“They’re power bullets, they are for women to use on the clit” It still amazes me how many people don’t know what a “clit” is.
“Why does it say ‘tester’?” He said as he examined the Tester bullet so close he was going cross-eyed.
“It’s so people can see how fast it goes, but it’s only for people to hold, not to actually use sexually in the store” I only added this fact because his stoned eyes got wide as he looked like it was going to bite his nose. But it got so much worse. He started to SNIFF the bullet. I blinked and looked down, not knowing if I should laugh or cry. I busied myself with straightening things on the counter and every time I looked up to see what he was doing he was rolling the vibrating bullet in his hand, he played with the button that controlled the speed and kept sniffing it periodically.
“I think I’m going to get one for my girlfriend…” He said and handed me an un-opened one.
I tested to make sure it functioned properly but couldn’t get rid of the image in my head of him sniffing the bullet. I was glad to be rid of the bullet sniffer when the Love Lips jingle signaled another customer. I smiled at the older woman who had walked into the store, she looked to be in her 50’s and had the crazy-cat lady kinda look, wrapped under many layers of clothes. It was still cold out and she was a petite woman so I didn’t really think too much of it. “Good afternoon” I said.
“Good COLD afternoon” She said cheerfully.
“Yeah it is pretty cold out” I said.
“I’m from California and this is like Antarctic type weather. I’m literally wearing 3 shirts, one sweatshirt, and 4 jackets!”
Wow…that serious, huh? Of course she had to show me each layer. I just nodded and smiled and we talked more about the weather for a little bit.
“You guys sure are small” She said looking around judgmentally.
Ugh, seriously? “We’re one of the older sores so we’re a tad smaller, yes”
“The one I’m used to in California is three times this size” She said as she discovered the Tester Power Bullet and pushed the speeds. “Wow this sucker is powerful!”
“Yes it is- they’re great and discreet” I said helpfully.
“Do you have a back room so I can test it out?”
Everything came to a screeching halt, “I’m sorry??” I wanted to make sure I heard her right.
“A back room, so I can test to make sure I like it”
Flabbergasted I said, “No ma’am…We don’t have a room for that because that tester is only meant to be held in your hand, not actually used…”
“Oh…” She set it down and gave me a dirty look, “Well that store in California had a back room”
“I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of such of a thing” I said half apologetically and half indignantly. That is beyond unsanitary!!
She dropped her snooty attitude and replaced it with her crazy cat lady like attitude and said, “Yeah it was great, they had multiple rooms in the back and testers for most of their toys and you could take them in those rooms and whack off to make sure you really like it”
In theory that’d be ideal but realistically….EWWW!!!! You have no idea who might’ve used it last and… diseases! O-M-G!!! I thought I was going to be sick but I held it together and said, “Wow, that’s really different” Lame, yes…but what the hell do you say after something like that?! I mean those toys better be bleached before reusing or something! I CAN’T imagine using a tester I know someone else has used before. EW EW EW EW EW!!! I sadly don’t remember anymore of our conversation except that part because it was so disgusting.
But that wasn’t the last insane customer I would face that day. Oh no, I wasn’t meant to be lucky that day. The Love Lips jingled and in walked a man in his late 20’s and his girlfriend who looked a little younger than him.
“If I can help you two with anything let me know”
“Alright, thank you” They said. They looked around for a good half hour, talking together about what porn movie they wanted. Eventually they came up to the counter and I found the DVD and put it in its box.
I told the guy the total and as he paid he looked like he was practically bouncing in anticipation and said to me with a grin, “You got a boyfriend?”
“Nope” I said as I swiped his credit card after checking his ID.
“Well don’t you wish you had a guy that would tell you that you could pick out whatever porn you wanted because he was buyin’?” He said proudly like he was going to win Best Boyfriend of the Year Award.
I raised an eyebrow and smiled, “Sure...” I felt bad for the girlfriend because she looked embarrassed. All I could think was, he’s all yours hunnie…I don’t need porn OR a man to have mind blowing sex. Have fun!
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