Do You Have Batteries and Pacifiers? Post- Irene Story

Do You Have Batteries and Pacifiers?-A Post Irene Story

Pre-Hurricane Irene was a fun and eventful day. From the moment I opened it was person after person with only a few intervals of down time. I guess sex toys and porn were also on everyone’s hurricane check list. LOL I mean what else are you going to do when your power goes out? But the reason I write this entry is because of Batteries and everything else that came after it. Everyone is panicking and everyone is looking for batteries and other assorted goods. Every time I look at Face Book I see another person commenting on how many things local stores are sold out of. Besides selling a bunch of sex toys and porn we only have had 3 people stop in looking for certain batteries. It’s amazing how many people forget that a store that sells things that run specifically on batteries….has batteries! But the first two ladies that came in were looking for D batteries and our tiny store doesn’t sell anything that takes that size battery. But the second lady to come in inquiring about batteries hit the jack pot with us.

“Excuse me do you have C Batteries?”

“Yes we do” I counted out supplies, “We have 6 of them”

“Great! My sister asked me to find batteries but EVERYONE is out of batteries and as I was driving by I thought ‘Hmm, I wonder if the Adult Store has batteries’!” She giggled.

“Yeah, so far there’s only be one other group of people looking for batteries but I’m sure by the end of the night we’ll be sold out”

“Oh I don’t doubt it! Give me one second to find out how many my sister needs”

I gave her a moment to call her sister as I took down a pack of C Batteries.

“Can you take 4 down for me, just in case someone else comes in!” She looked at the door waiting for a rush of people and then getting through to who she needed on the phone she started to direct the person on the other line for her sister, after a pause she said, “You’ll never guess where I am!”

I let her joke about being in the sex store and pretended to be interested in the computer for a second until I heard her say “Oh, ok! Bye” I looked back to her for the verdict, “She wants me to get 3. My sister was so shocked I thought of this and was SO surprised I came in because I’m a bit of a prude.” She chuckled as she paid. “I’ve never been into one of these stores before in my life!”

“Well there’s always a time for trying something different” I said with a smile.

“You know, I may just take a quick look around, I mean I know I’m a prude and all by why not? I’m here right?”

“Yup, why not?” I said helpfully.

She started to walk gingerly into the toy section and bee lined for the bachelorette section. “Oh my God that is too funny!” She pointed to the boobie slippers. “Oh I know someone who would love those, do you carry these all year ‘round?”

“Yes ma’am, unless they’re back ordered”

“Great, I’ll definitely be coming back for those sometime.” She continued to look at things and stopped in front of the dildos and her voice got kind of tiny and a little less excited. “You know, I’ve never been in one of these stores so I’m not sure what a lot of this is for…”

I always feel bad for the people who are scared of the sex toys..I mean what’s to be scared of? “Well if you have questions about anything I’d be happy to explain it for you”

“Yeah I guess you would. HA! Ok….Thanks” She stopped and looked up at the giant 10” long and 2.5” around dildo and said quickly, “Nope, not gonna ask, I do NOT want to know!” She sped up with looking around and quickly moved into the DVD section and then started to walk a little more slowly as she took in all the images. I left her alone to look in peace and then eventually she came back to the counter. “Wow…those DVD’s are kind of expensive”

“Yeah…they’re just like most DVD’s in price”

“Well thanks for the batteries! Stay safe!”

“You too hon”

*~*~* 15 minutes later*~*~*

“I’m back! My other sister said she needed C Batteries too!” She laughed.

“Welcome back! How many do ya need?” I smiled.

“Just two this time”

As I was ringing her up a very pretty African American woman walked through the door and stopped near the other lady. She laughed very loud and made me and the battery lady jump.

“A dick pacifier! That’s GREAT!”

We both laughed half heartedly but she didn’t act like she minded we weren’t as amused as she was. As I finished with the battery lady’s purchase the new woman said, “You know my sister just had a baby, would it be wrong for me to buy this as a joke? You think she’d get the joke?”

“Sure, if you tell her off hand it’s a joke” I guess?

“What do you think?” She turned to The Battery Lady.

Battery Lady’s eyes looked like they wanted to explode out of her head, “Don’t ask me I don’t have any children!”

“Aw but you know you got those nieces and nephews and you know they suck you dry”

Battery Lady calmed down a little, “True, they know I spoil them”

I let them talk about how if you don’t have kids you tend to spoil the family member’s kids as if they were your own. Then battery lady took her leave and left me alone with the very giggly and loud lady.

“So, do you have anything to help a man keep his erection? My honey is 65 and he has some problems”

She had to only be in her 30’s…Not that there is anything wrong about dating an older man but she looked like she needed someone who could keep up with her. “Well we have Stiff Nights and cock rings.”

“What does Stiff Nights do?” I explained they helped with men lasting longer and it would stay in his system so if they decided to have sex later it was easier to get it back up and the erection would last longer as well. “Hmm…See I don’t think he’d take it willingly. He’s funny, you think after 65 years of life you’d want to try adventurous things, ya know?”

Sure I guess? My girlfriend’s only a year older than me…so that really doesn’t count.

“Can you put it in a drink?”

“I sadly have no idea….”

She made a face and kept looking around; she picked up a Screaming O Ring and asked me what it was. After explaining to her what it was she pouted, “I really wish he’d be adventurous! I mean most men think we need toys cuz they don’t do a good job and I don’t want him to think that….But its true!” She made another face.

It doesn’t help he’s so old…But… “So how long have you two been together?” I asked, trying to make friendly conversation.

“4 years!” She said wide eyed with a ‘Can you believe it?!’ face then said, “I mean I got this young thing comin’ after me but I said no…” She said with a smirk that said she was still tempted. She continued to look around and saw the finger massage glove. “Oh! What’s that?”

“It’s a glove with 5 small vibrators for each finger tip for massage”

“Wow, lemme see it”

I pulled it out of the case and handed it to her. “It’s kind of expensive because there are small vibrators wired inside”

We talked for a while about how nice that would be for a massage until she figured out it was only one glove for $70. “You massage with TWO hands, that’s messed up!” Then she ranted about how stupid it was that they only sold them one glove each. Then she started to talk about other random things (I kind of lost track of what we talked about because she talked so fast and jumped from one subject to the next) but at some point when I had replied a simple “Yes” she said “Man, I’m sick of talkin’ to you” Which made me think internally, WTF?! But I think she used a bad choice of a word because that didn’t stop her from talking more about how her old 65 year old boyfriend didn’t satisfy her and how she needed to come back to the store with her girlfriend. Now when someone says “girlfriend” I don’t jump to conclusions of “Oh, you’re a lesbian” but she looked at me and said quickly. “My buddy, hey how ya doin, hang out to talk kinda girlfriend!” I nodded at her un-phased by the comment, “You know cuz people say ‘girlfriend’ nowadays and it can mean so many things, I mean wow!”

To make this long story shorter she continued to rattle on about how the term girlfriend has changed and anytime she mentioned her ‘girlfriend’ she had to clarify again that she didn’t like women. She bought the pacifier and I hope that the woman she got it for finds it funny. I’m not sure how I’d feel if someone gave me one of those for my child.

But that’s not the end to the whacky customers of Post-Irene Day. Not too long after Battery Lady and 65 yr old Lover Lady a younger couple came in the store.

“Wow you guys got rid of a lot of stuff” The bulky buff younger guy said.

“Nope, everything just got moved to the wall” I said as I finished ringing up a customer.

The two of them looked at one another and stated laughing. Great, “mature” customers. I don’t mind some people being silly but I could just tell they were going to be a pain in my ass on purpose. I watched them look at things and whisper and then eventually the guy said to his girlfriend “I dunno! Ask the lady!” Then they both came up to the counter.

“Did you guys have questions?”

“Naw, but does that guy still work here?”

“We have two guys, what did he look like?”

“Old gay guy, he used to keep his face real trimmed and clean”

Cuz normal guys are unclean? Ok, maybe most are. “Nope”

“No?!”

“Yup, he doesn’t work here anymore”

“Really? Wow! He used to let me in here when I was too young to be in here” He smirked at me like he was cool.

“Well that’s probably why he no longer works here” Rude I know but his smugness was plucking my nerves and he was being a meat head.

He continued to talk after a slight pause at my words and said, “I remember there used to be these little penis erasers and me and my friend brought them into school and I got suspended. It was his fault I got suspended” He said matter of factly. I really had to bite my tongue from saying ‘No, YOU got yourself expelled for being dumb’

When e saw I wasn’t going to feed into his moment he walked over to his girlfriend who was looking in the case at edible lotions.

“Pick one babe”

“I’m looking” She said in a whiny voice.

“What’s the difference between the Oralicious and the Dickilicous?”

“One is just flavored the other one is stimulating”

“Which one tastes better?” He looked at me with a ‘I know you’ve tried it’ face.

Bristling I said flatly, “I’m not sure I have never personally used it but I know people buy a lot of the Strawberry Swirl and the Peaches and Cream”

He glared at me and I could tell he wanted to fight with me saying I should know because I work here. I don’t know why people think just because I work here means I have to try everything out myself. If you work at Wal-Mart does that mean you have to try everything Wal-Mart sells? No, so why should I? Asshat!

“So this one is stimulating?” He pointed to the Dickilicous again.

“Yes, meaning it tingles” I said.

The girl giggled and he stood up fast saying angrily at her, “What’s that suppose to mean?”

“You just punched me in the jaw when you stood up, stupid!”

Oh my goodness…I really wanted them to leave. “We also have smaller tester ones called Head Job”

“Pick two”

“But I want 4!! One in each flavor!!!” She whined.

They bickered and I kept changing the quantity from 3 to 4 to 3 to 4 and they eventually got 3 and he handed me his credit card. I ask everyone who hands me a card (even people with the fuzzy Bank of America pictured cards) “Can I see your ID?”

“He handed the ID over to me and said in a mocking tone, “It’s fake, you know”

*insert sarcastic tone*And so is your attitude, dude. I handed it back to him without comment and was glad to be rid of them as she whined about not being allowed to have the 4 testers she wanted in the first place.

            Since how this entry is about 7 pages long I will spare you from the rest of the afternoon where I had a guy who tried hard to flirt with me last time ask if I finally got married, I’m engaged but until Maryland legalizes gay marriage that sadly isn’t going to happen any time soon. But I don’t like to tell people I’m a lesbian at work unless they push me to the point of not caring. I am SO tired of the “Oh I can turn you straight, baby” bullshit. Then, while someone was shopping through the DVD’s a kid that had to be no older than 15 came in acting like he owned the place. I had a verbal fight with him and had to scream at him to GET OUT and then he proceeded to plaster himself to the glass door and STARE at me. Today was a draining and overly eventful day. But I love my job!