Labor Day Grandma
Ahh… Labor Day, one of the few days of a year government workers get a day off work and retail workers work hard to sell things on sale for this special day. Love Lips was one of the few stories open on the lonely little orange strip in Dundalk though sadly we didn’t have a sale going on. The nail salon next to us was even closed. I didn’t realize until later that besides the carpet store (who had sales going on) the liquor store was actually open. Though despite Dundalk’s finest needing to booze themselves at 9 in the morning and afternoon our strip was very quiet and Love Lips was having a very lousy money day. Thankfully I only worked until 2pm verses my usual shift that ended at 5pm and it was 1:40pm when I heard yelling outside of my store. Curious, I looked out the giant windows and saw a very elderly Dundalk woman hobble over to my doors. She came through them and I was worried she might have mistaken my store for a convenience store because she was in her night gown and slippers. “Can I help you Ma’am?” I was also worried that she was a little senile.
“Hi there, I was looking for something for my grand-daughter” She was shuffling around in the men’s lingerie section.
“Ok, I just wanted to let you know that underwear is for men”
“Yup, I’m looking for something for my grand-daughter” She said with a toothless smile, well almost toothless, she was missing most of her front teeth.
Um okie dokie…I left her to look but I kept a close eye on her just in case. I was starting to worry she had wandered off on her own without her chaperone when I heard a yell outside. Startled I looked towards the door and saw a very wigger (very white person trying to look like a black thug person) looking woman walk through my doors, she was wearing a baby blue jersey and tight jeans, a bandana around her head and tattoos around her neck and arms. “Grandma what are you doin’ in here?!” She said in an exasperated tone.
“I’m looking for a Birthday present for you” She said happily as she perused the items on the counter.
“Grandma my Birthday was last month” Blue said flatly.
“Yup…and I gotta get you somethin’ for your Birthday!” She said with a mostly toothless smile.
Oh my…I knew this was about to get very interesting. Just as I thought that just the two of them would be enough for some serious comic relief the door jingled again and a butcher looking woman walked through the door in the same wigger attire only her jersey and bandana were purple. She also had neck tattoos (including one that said MOM) and her arm and hand tattoos were in red ink, which was interesting.
“I thought I saw you two come in here” the butch looking woman said in a surprisingly deep voice.
“I dunno what she’s doin’ in here!” Blue said.
“I’m lookin’! That’s what I’m doin’” The grandma in question said in an equally exasperated tone.
“Grandma you have no business bein’ in here” The Blue said with a roll of her eyes at me.
“Aw come on, she’s just lookin’, sis” Purple said.
“Ya see those are muh grand-daughters there” Grandma said proudly to me.
I smiled at the three of them, really at a loss for words.
“Come on Grandma let’s go” Blue said.
“I’m still lookin’!” She said with a huff.
“Look it here Grandma we can get her one of these” Purple picked up a sports water bottle in the shape of a penis.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a winky, Grandma” Purple laughed.
“Child, you’re dumb! Oh my…they have suckers shaped like…” She cackled before she could say ‘penises’.
“Aww look Grandma a straw too!” Purple picked it up and put it in front of her Grandma’s face.
Blue huffed, “Listen, this poor lady doesn’t need to see this, besides our Grandma doesn’t need to be lookin’ at any of this stuff”
Me, a poor lady? This is entertainment!
Purple smirked, “It’s not like she’s gonna buy anything, let her have her fun”
“Come on let’s go” Blue tried to move towards the door again.
“Oohh!!! I like THAT!” The three of us looked over to Grandma who was looking at the dildo section like she had just seen the face of God.
Purple laughed, “We really do need to get you somethin’ don’t we cuz you’re pretty horny for an old lady”
It was SOOOO hard not to laugh at this whole thing.
“Oh-my-GOD! Let’s GO!” Blue said loudly as she walked out the door.
“It’s ok Grandma I’ll stay in here with you” Purple smiled at me with a ‘what are ya going to do’ kind of shrug. All I could do was smile. Grandma made her way around the DVD’s with a few “Ooohh’s! and Oh my’s” and then eventually made her way back to the lingerie section. Purple waited for her to look and then Blue stormed back into the store, “Are you done yet?”
“I’m still lookin’!” She said and then faced me, “You see I enjoy embarrassing these girls”
“You’re not embarrassing us” both of them said at once.
Grandma smiled toothlessly at me again and then with giant eyes she pointed up at a half mannequin of a man’s lower half that was displaying a posing strap (typical man’s lingerie- it’s like a thong with a pouch in front to hold the goods) that was stuffed to look like it was real. “I LIKE THAT!!” She looked like she wanted to climb the counter and feel it up.
Purple laughed, “Grandma, that’s fake, it’s just a display…”
“But I like it!” She said dreamily.
Blue said a little more softly, “Come on, let’s go”
They all turned to leave and then Grandma stopped and lifted up a novelty mans undies that looked like a face and a long empty nose (the idea is an erect penis lakes it lift up) she grabbed at it and lifted the “nose” part, “Oohh I like this too!!”
Blue looked like she wanted to drag them both out of the store and Purple kept on laughing, “Come on Grandma, let’s go home”
“I’ma be back, don’t you worry! I’ll come when I’m not with these two girls” She waved at me as her two grand-daughter’s hustled her out of the store, “Have a wonderful day, young lady!” She gave me one more toothless smile before the three of them bickered amongst themselves all the way to the car.
“Have a great day, guys!” I said in the calmest voice I could, but once they left I cracked up and wished I was able to take video’s because that was just beyond priceless!
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